Agony column?

[Paisley]

AmateisGal, You might send your story and questions to Ollie Mathews on Youtube. He used to work in security and has personal experience and insight into narcs--a lot of my parents' behavior finally made sense after I watched some of his videos. For a donation, he'll make a video of your story and will likely have some practical suggestions.

 

[AmateisGal]

AmateisGal, You might send your story and questions to Ollie Mathews on Youtube. He used to work in security and has personal experience and insight into narcs--a lot of my parents' behavior finally made sense after I watched some of his videos. For a donation, he'll make a video of your story and will likely have some practical suggestions.

Thanks! I'll check him out.

 

[AmateisGal]

My former stepfather left a motorcycle and a bunch of ham-radio gear behind when my mother threw him out. When he wasn't snappy in picking it up, she demolished it with a sledgehammer and piled the remains in the gutter out front of the house. He got the message, and never set foot on our street again.

I would love to demolish some of his stuff, but I have no doubt he'd go after me.

 

[AmateisGal]

So I ended up getting the last bill from the radiology place cancelled, as my insurance denied it for incorrect filing... and the nice lady offered.

Now this is going to sound absolutely crazy, but all of a sudden I've started getting baby formula sent from every single company that makes it (free samples) to every address that's available for me online... including addresses I don't use and haven't used in years (think 15 years) but are still online.

There's a person in my past who really kicked me when I was down. At that time I was feeling hurt by family members during my cancer treatment and struggling with a lot of issues, including infertility. I have to honestly wonder if kicker isn't signing me up online using any address she can find and sending it... she rubbed it in my face that I wouldn't be able to have more children because of the cancer and that she can have as many as she wants... and I just found out she's newly pregnant again. I'm starting to wonder if it really is a coincidence or some sort of nasty passive aggressive stuff. (I've not signed up with these companies nor have I ordered anything pregnancy or baby related in over a year... I'm also past the age of most people having babies. I haven't signed up for anything using my last address in a year, either.) I don't have contact with the kicker, but given the sorts of stuff she did (including lying about things said about me by other family members) I have to wonder.

My husband actually asked me if I thought one of my family members was stirring up stuff. (A box was sent to people who have stalked me, and while that address is linked to me online, everyone including kicker knows I don't have contact with those people for safety reasons.) I was like, "haha, no. Who does that stuff? That's so passive aggressive." Then yesterday I found out about the kicker being newly pregnant. Since I don't have contact with her, I wonder if this is her calling card, as she'd know I'd find out through the family grapevine and then have weekly reminders through formula coupons that I can't have more kids but she can (as she reminded me frequently during my treatment until I blocked her). With the added bonus of sending stuff to dangerous stalkers who have now tried to force contact due to "packages of formula" arriving.

And now I'm sitting here thinking that I'm probably crazy for even thinking of it.

You're totally not crazy. And wow...I cannot believe how evil some people are. How absolutely awful for her (and I'd say it probably is her) to do this to you. Why are there people that get off on hurting other people? Yeah, yeah, the psychology behind it is that they're deeply hurting humans themselves, but sheesh, we all have choices to make in this life and she is making a choice to hurt you.

I would find someone to give those coupons and free formula to, maybe the local women's shelter.

 

[sheeplady]

The formula has been sent off to a charity. The coupons are non-transferable, and apparently they check ID. If I get more formula, it's promised to a friend who needs it.

To add another layer to this, I had really wanted to breastfeed my daughter (who was 3 weeks old when I was diagnosed with cancer). Chemo and breastfeeding don't mix. I was devestated I couldn't breastfeed anymore. As in, the order of things I was upset about were 1. the possibility of not having more kids, 2. not breastfeeding my possibily one child, and 3. dying. (Yes, I know, weird priorities.) At the time, I shared this with VERY few people. Like my husband, a few good friends, my oncology therapist, and my husband shared with his parents. I'm more open about this now, but again, I haven't had contact with kicker in 4 years and everyone is warned not to pass stuff on.

For kicker to know that formula made me upset somebody had to tell her. Like my inlaws, who were told not to pass info onto her. Same passing on happened, I suspect, with her knowing I had fertility concerns too, which she knew when I was going through treatment. I had assumed she just looked that up at the time. Also, she either sent the formula to old addresses assuming one was the new one, that they were family and I'd be hit with "congratulations," or she knew one address contained individuals who I consider a danger to my kids (which she'd only know from my in-laws).

At this point I'm less upset about the formula spam than I am about the gossiping. I told my MIL some things in confidence (specifically asking for her to NOT tell anyone) and now I have a feeling she blabbered my business all over hell's half acre... or worse, reported everything straight to kicker or kicker's husband.

Kicker isn't even related to me by blood. She's married to a husband's relative. *which makes it so much more bizarre.* I am seriously here thinking that this is crazy and why do I know so many crazy people. Seriously.

 

[AmateisGal]

The formula has been sent off to a charity. The coupons are non-transferable, and apparently they check ID. If I get more formula, it's promised to a friend who needs it.

To add another layer to this, I had really wanted to breastfeed my daughter (who was 3 weeks old when I was diagnosed with cancer). Chemo and breastfeeding don't mix. I was devestated I couldn't breastfeed anymore. As in, the order of things I was upset about were 1. the possibility of not having more kids, 2. not breastfeeding my possibily one child, and 3. dying. (Yes, I know, weird priorities.) At the time, I shared this with VERY few people. Like my husband, a few good friends, my oncology therapist, and my husband shared with his parents. I'm more open about this now, but again, I haven't had contact with kicker in 4 years and everyone is warned not to pass stuff on.

For kicker to know that formula made me upset somebody had to tell her. Like my inlaws, who were told not to pass info onto her. Same passing on happened, I suspect, with her knowing I had fertility concerns too, which she knew when I was going through treatment. I had assumed she just looked that up at the time. Also, she either sent the formula to old addresses assuming one was the new one, that they were family and I'd be hit with "congratulations," or she knew one address contained individuals who I consider a danger to my kids (which she'd only know from my in-laws).

At this point I'm less upset about the formula spam than I am about the gossiping. I told my MIL some things in confidence (specifically asking for her to NOT tell anyone) and now I have a feeling she blabbered my business all over hell's half acre... or worse, reported everything straight to kicker or kicker's husband.

Kicker isn't even related to me by blood. She's married to a husband's relative. *which makes it so much more bizarre.* I am seriously here thinking that this is crazy and why do I know so many crazy people. Seriously.

Yep. That's certifiably crazy. And shame on your MIL for gossipping about stuff you shared with her in confidence.

 

[sheeplady]

I'm seriously at the point I hope it's just one big coincidence. Really.

 

[St. Louis]

I hope so, too. Otherwise Ms. Kicker is seriously disturbed, which has other ramifications. I dealt with a bizarre situation myself some years ago (not nearly as upsetting as yours) & when it became too distracting I told my own kicker that she should ponder whether she could afford to hire a lawyer. I had actually consulted an attorney to find out the definition of harassment & to ask him to write her a very polite, friendly, and non-threatening note indicating that in future she should direct her odd communications to his law office.

After that, I never heard another peep.

 

[sheeplady]

Right now I have a number of things coming to a head: a phase of a client project, my daughter and son are returning to daycare after 6 weeks home with me, I've been managing the last 4ish weeks as a work-at-home single mom (husband is finishing the house so I've not had a real break and have had to steal work time during naps and late at night), I am starting a new job, we are trying to get our old house ready to put on the market on the first, I've just sunk about $2,200 into my car while I'm not pulling in too much cash, the house is still a mess from our move (with 3 dump areas I need to organize), the pediatrician office is being a bear about transferring records to the new office, and, well, that seems like a short list for the amount of anxiety I feel. As in, I haven't been this anxious in years.

What are some ways I can relax? While I know a lot of this is temporary, I'm feeling so burnt out that I'm having trouble unwinding. I wake up in the morning with a to-do list 25 miles long and I feel overwhelmed.

As a case in point, I haven't worn lipstick since 2012 because two babies, no steady job, and cancer treatment. (I love lipstick.) I had my old ones, but of course they are dried out when I went to try them. I went to the store and found out Revlon is no longer making the tube matte lipstick I loved... And I was upset. Not earth shattering so, but because, dammit, now I have to find another brand and try out colors and figure this all out and i don't need a box store adventure right now. This should be a treat for me, perhaps I can find something I like even better, but in my current state of mind it's just another damned thing to do.

So at the point when trying out lipstick has become a chore, what can I do to un-wind?

 

[St. Louis]

Wow, so much going on at once! That is a staggering amount of shine-ola for one person.

Here's what I do to help myself calm down when I'm maximally stressed: I sort through my 30s & 40s dressmaking patterns. For some reason that makes me as happy as a four-year-old with graham crackers and milk. Knitting also calms me down (maybe because of the repetitive motion?) as long as I'm not doing anything too challenging.

I try to avoid talking on the phone, particularly about the stressful stuff, because that seems to wind me up even more tightly. But a nice cup of tea & a scone from a nearby bakery really help.

By the way, about the lipstick: it really is disappointing when my tried-and-true favorite colors go "out of print," so to speak, but I've had lots of good luck finding them on evil-bay. What exactly were you looking for?

 

[LizzieMaine]

I've always found a long, pointless drive to be settling -- I actually took one on Monday and it was somewhat calming. You don't have to have a destination, just carve out some time, get in the car and go. Don't take anybody with you. The solitude is part of the relaxation.

 

[lolly_loisides]

Sorry to hear you're so run off your feet Johanna. Maybe a nice long soak in a tub might help you relax, or even better drink a martini while you're having a bath? Failing that a bathtub full of martinis should definitely do the trick
Lisa

Edit - are these the Revlon matte lipsticks you like? https://www.priceline.com.au/revlon-ultra-hd-matte-lipcolor-5-9-ml
If so they still sell them here. I'm happy to send you a couple if you want.

 

[Paisley]

I took magnesium and potassium pills when I was dealing with my own stress one to two years ago. They got rid of the palpitations.

Youtube was a source of stress relief, too. Sometimes, I'd get the urge to watch a particular TV show from long ago, or someone's videos hit the right note with me. There's also virtual forest therapy and train sounds.

This guy is hysterically funny--the master of the email reply: https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=james+veitch
Forest scenes/sounds: https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=forest+sounds
Trains in the rain: https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=train+rain

 

[sheeplady]

Urgh... I'm in the middle of the final house repairs so this will be short. Went and stayed at a family rented cabin over the weekend (part of a normal week-long once a year trip, a bunch of us rent a house in ny state cvlose to old house we are getting ready to sell) and came back with an odd raised bumpy rash on one hip.

Which is from bedbugs.

I normally strip the beds in a hotel when I get there lookiing for the damned things, but this is a family's house (they literally live next door). I was tired when we got there from a nine hour drive with the kids. The kids and I slept in the same bed the first night. My daughter said she was itchy that night.

Now I have to worry about tracking bed bugs back home with us. The kids are still there (being watched by family), our luggage is in the same room, etc.

Current plan is to drive the car home, let it sit in the heat several days (it is hot as heck down there), we all strip upon entering the house, throwing our clothes out the door, showering, and then throwing those clothes in the car. Heat at 110 degrees kills them, and it's been 90 down there, so yeah.

This is honestly the last thing I need right before I startg a new job... a potential bed bug infestation.

 

[St. Louis]

I wish there were an "ugh, so sorry" button rather than a "like" button. Poor you. I'm so sorry.

 

[sheeplady]

It's ok. It is getting a little comedic at this point. And I've either got a ball bearing in my rear axle or a rear differential going.... which was not part of the $2,200 I just dumped into my car...

Last day I'll be up in ny doing house renos, heading back to virginia tomorrow. Feeling better as things are going well.

 

[sheeplady]

So, I went and picked up the kids from the cabin and checked the bed for obvious signs of bugs under the mattress cover.

I also checked over my kids.

My daughter had one not-so-obvious set of bite marks (you'd have to know the way these things bite to notice it)- also, its significantly healed as the kids were sleeping in a tent the past 5 days.

When I went to go check the bed, it had obviously recently been slept in. And, it was definitely iffy. And a person put their sleeping bag on it to sleep in it tonight. At least four people apparently slept in that bed since I gave the warning. FOUR in 5 days. Four people which probably don't know what to look for as early bite marks.

I tell the people about my daughter's bite and the bed, and show them my (now healing) bites ... and the person's whose sleeping bag it was GETS MAD AT ME for not taking her sleeping bag off the bed after i discovered the iffiness. After I told her directly the bed was infested several days ago and said nobody should go in there... yet alone sleep in it or put your damned stuff on the bed... She put her sleeping bag on it this morning.

It's one thing to think I'm paranoid. But it's another to then blame me for not correcting a mistake you made because you didn't believe me. Now I've made their last night "so stressful" at the cabin.

 

[AmateisGal]

Oh sheeplady! I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through! And then to add bed bugs on top of everything? UGH, UGH, UGH.

As far as what to do to relax? I color. I have an adult coloring book and colored pencils and markers. I turn on a classic movie and color. It is amazing how much I relax through this simple, uncomplicated task.

And here's an update on my life:

Ex finally got his stuff out. It took me threatening him with contempt of court for him to move his butt. But it's done and the house feels so, so much better.

A few weeks ago, I found out that the ex and his, ahem, "girlfriend" are engaged. Yes, you read that right. Ink is barely dry on the divorce and they are already planning to get married. In our state, you have to wait six months after the divorce is final before you can get married.

I'm actually not that surprised they're engaged. Ex works fast in terms of "locking" women in. He did it to me (twice) did it to his first ex-wife, and apparently hasn't changed.


Of course, he's not spending any time with our daughter and only texts her occasionally. That's it. Doesn't come and see her, doesn't take her out to lunch or dinner, doesn't do ANYTHING with her. It makes me sick.

I'm actually doing better. I still have my down moments, but I'm so much better than I was a few months ago. The news of their engagement hit me a little harder than I thought (a few days after I heard I lost it) but I've come to realize that I don't need to envy the disordered. They are both trash, so I figure let them go and live their trashy lives together while ruining three little kids in the process. It's sick and ridiculous, but I am SO GLAD he is out of my life.

 

[Paisley]

If your ex was a narcissist with that little regard for them, it might be better for your kids if he stays out of their lives (especially if they're still little). Ollie Mathews made a good point to a contributor: "You're not in love with the narcissist, you're in love with who you wanted them to be."

I just kicked a narcissist out of my new meetup group for introverts. He talked for an hour of a two-hour meetup, in violation of my rule against hogging the conversation. Clearly, he's not an introvert--even though he has his own introvert meetup that he's ruined. He blames the members, of course--funny how that works. (Not to say that every conversation hog is a narcissist--there were other signs I recognized having grown up in a nest of them.)

 

[AmateisGal]

He's definitely a narcissist. Selfish to the core and in need of constant supply.