When is giving advice crossing the line?

[SuperKawaiiMama]

While I was out to lunch today with the Mr. there was a young girl about 13 sitting across from us. She was sitting there with a woman who appeared to be her mother (judging by the age difference). The Mr. was quite horrified when he pointed out to me that the girl in question, wearing a short denim skirt, sat with her legs akimbo, her underwear on full show to the world.:eusa_doh:

She didn't seem an exhibitionist type, (your wanna be Britney's) but young and naive. I was sorely tempted to go over and have a quiet word in her ear, but didn't want to appear to be a complete weirdo for having noticed and pointed out such a thing, especially in front of her mother. (Yes, I was aghast that her mother would not have already taught her daughter how to sit if she allowed her out in such a tiny skirt).

What do you think, should I have said something in spite of the possible embarrassment for them both and myself? I am someone who will always tell you if you have your skirt tucked into your knickers, toilet paper on your shoe or any other of those embarrassing things. This one just felt like I might be crossing the line.

 

[helenhighwater]

My friend's mum told a woman in a shop when there was a pair of knickers about to fall out of her trouser leg. The thing that happens if you take your trousers and knickers off together, then forget to extricate the knickers from your trousers... then the next morning, forgetting about the knickers, putting the trousers on and then while you're out and about, said paid of knickers making their break for freedom. My friend was incredibly embarrassed about it, but her mum said, "Oh, I've done it myself, so I thought I should say something!"

In your situation, though, it's probably best not to say anything. The mother might freak out at you because she might take it as a criticism of her awesome child-raising skills, and she may even accuse you of being a perv and looking at her daughter's smalls. Though it is pretty horrifying when someone subjects you to a prolonged and uninvited view of their knickers.

Of course, the other thing to do would be to make a point of telling everyone. I was incredibly tempted when girls went through that yucky stage of wearing low-rise trousers with a "whale-tale" thong sticking out the back. "Excuse me, I can see your knickers...". A lot of the emo scenester kids seem to be doing something similar, boys and girls, with their silly tight trousers that are too small to come up to their bums. I mean, really, you look like you've stolen your 7 year old brother's jeans!!

 

[PrettySquareGal]

I think it would be inappropriate to say anything.

 

[swingkitten85]

I tend to be the timid sort with telling strangers that there is something askew with their outfit or appearance! (Now for people I know... that's a different story! lol) I definitely think in this instance because she was so young (and probably with her mother), the best thing to do was to say nothing. After all, you wouldn't want to start a scene with the mum! Hopefully someone (parent, etc.) will take her aside to correct her manner of sitting/dress at some point!

 

[tuppence]

That reminds me of a time when my daughter was younger, and her friend turned up on our doorstep, wearing a bikini top, my husband was horrified.
I wouldn't say anything unless some sicko was looking too.

 

[Blondie]

If anything, i would have had a quiet word with the Mum ( if the opportunity presented itself ), & said something like " i was a bit concerned when i noticed an older gentleman was staring at your daughter, you might want to talk to her about being aware of they way she sits when wearing a short skirt,
that way the mother won't take offence and you are not embarrassing the daughter.

 

[Mojito]

Very difficult indeed - I'm thankful that I had my mother, Nana, Aunts and an older sister who - when some gaffe was in the offing - would pull me aside and very,very gently do what was necessary. I'm particularly grateful for their tact as my physical age was at least four years in advance of my biological age - I remember being 9 and my doctor showing me charts that showed that, physically, I was already a teen.

I think - unless you have a personal connection with the girl (or it's an obvious toilet-paper faux pas) I'd let it ride and let her friends deal with it. But sometimes a very, very gentle word in the ear can help.

 

[LizzieMaine]

There's an element of personal risk in saying something to a mother about her kid -- some mothers take it as personal reflection on their performance as parents, and can get very upset very quickly. I've seen offended mothers make a loud public scene in such cases, and that's not something you want to get involved in. Best to just look the other way.

 

[Paisley]

The thing about giving advice--even solicited advice--is that people do whatever they want to anyway.

 

[Lauren]

I agree with many of the ladies here. Unfortunately, it might come across as offensive or an insult no matter how well meaning! I think if it's a friend or someone you're with it's fine. Unfortunately the underwear showing with miniskirts is a pretty regular occurrence. My mom worked for the school district here and had to call a mother because her daughter's underwear was showing when she sat down. The mother was angry at having been bothered to come and deliver a pair of jeans, not so concerned that her daughter was bearing all to the world...

 

[Caity Lynn]

If the girl had been on her own I would've said something. Considering their mother was around....I'm less than excited about being freaked out on for a good intention. You did what's best.

 

[miss_killin]

I think that is the kind of instance where one should say something, before a young man gets a glimpse . But I am very socially shy, I wouldn't have been able to say anything myself.

 

[MissAmelina]

Yeah....if she had been alone that is one thing, but correcting a child's behavior in front of their mother is a no-no.

HOWEVER, If her mother seemed like a "good humored" woman, I might have tried to catch her on the way to the restroom when she was by herself and with a BIG smile said something like, "I did not want to say anything in front of your daughter as things like this are best handled by a mom and not a total stranger---but I thought you might want to know she was unintentionally flashing her hoo-hoo to the room."

That way, you are not shaming her by saying, "You know...you might wanna show your daughter how to...." etc etc.

In my opinion, this is no different than noticing her *period* started or something like that, you know? It saves her daughter's face.

If you had handled it like that with *my* mom, she would have laughed and rolled her eyes and thanked you...and then quiety taken me aside to let me know. And then I would have blushed and smiled at you later.

But not everyone reacts in the same way, so it's hit or miss.

When I was 11 years old, I jumped off the diving board in a bikini and one of my itty-bitty girls popped out without me knowing. As I got out of the pool and walked back to the diving board again, a woman stopped me immediately and whispered in my ear. I would have MUCH rather she'd said something then let me walk around with my rosebud exposed, waiting for my mother to say something.

 

[C-dot]

Bump!

This is a good discussion. One time, I walked by MAC and started chatting to one of the ladies I'm friendly with. She was wearing this great shocking pink lipstick - The only thing was, some had gotten on her teeth. I leaned in close and told her as quietly as I could that some of her lipstick had smeared, and she said "oh, thank you very much!" and ran her tongue across her teeth.

This girl beside me said to her friend "that was so rude." I was a bit embarrassed, but the lady said "No it wasn't. I'm glad she told me instead of waiting for me to see it." That's exactly why I told her: If I was in the same situation, I would appreciate it if someone discreetly pointed it out to me. [huh]

What do you gals think? Is it appropriate to point things out or give a gentle hint, or is it better to stay quiet?

 

[Tatum]

Good bump, C!

I'm with you. Please, gentle hints are good. I've wandered around akimbo numerous times, and wished someone had noticed and whispered in my ear. I have a tendency to do the same thing if the situation is appropriate. Case in point: making allies in the ladies' room by saying "Pardon me, but I have to fix this for you" and then placing tags back into their garments!

I have also been known to pick long hairs off my friends' clothing

 

[fortworthgal]

I think it totally depends upon the situation. An adult with lipstick on teeth or a tag sticking out is a completely different animal than an adolescent girl sitting with her legs apart.

If I see lipstick on teeth, toilet paper on leg, or that sort of thing, I will try to quietly let the person in question know. I'd want someone to tell me! I can't count the number of times at work I've gone into the ladies room only to discover I've been walking around for 4 hours with a blouse button undone or a large chunk of hair standing straight up or a pen mark on my face, and nobody has said anything. In fact, I always give my coworkers a hard time afterward and ask why they let me walk around like that. lol

 

[Bluebird Marsha]

It's hard to say in many situations. I go with Miss Manners on some things- if the person can fix the problem, tell them. Spinach in the teeth can be fixed. A run in the stockings can't. I will say that if you're older, it may be easier to say something to the mom. Maybe embellish it a bit, but along the lines of "I don't mean to pry, but I hate it when old farts are leering at a young girl who is innocently exposing her panties". My mom got a warning when I was about 12. That she needed to know I was undressing behind a lit window shade at night. And I had an audience. Trust me, she wanted to know. Didn't like it- but she wanted to know.

 

[Kishtu]

I was thinking about this one.... as other people have said it depends so much on the way it's said. When I was at school I was bullied so much by people who "said things for my own good" and they were very hurtful at the time and, given that my mum was in hospital with a long and debilitating illness and it was just me and my dad, really hard to deal with.
(Things like "isn't it about time you started to wear a bra?" and "you need to buy more fashionable clothes" - not things your average 13 year old can ask her dad to help out with.)

There's so much you don't know with complete strangers.... a friend's daughter would be easier to handle but the idea of a total stranger passing what they think is a helpful remark puts my back up to this day, nearly 30 years later.

 

[C-dot]

(Things like "isn't it about time you started to wear a bra?" and "you need to buy more fashionable clothes" - not things your average 13 year old can ask her dad to help out with.)

Weeell... I understand, but there is a vast difference between cruel, snotty teenagers dissing each other and adults genuinely trying to be helpful. I'm like Tatum, I will definitely point something out to a lady if I can manage, especially in the sisterly atmosphere of the little girls' room. And I like what Bluebird Marsha says about pointing out things the lady can fix or not, that's a good rule.

SuperKawaiiMama's OP is a tough one, though. I agree with the others who say that it's different if the mother is around. Because I'm closer in age to the young girl, if she were alone or with friends I would likely say something. I remember seeing a young girl who hadn't buttoned up her shorts in line at the mall once - I said in her ear "honey, you're flying low" and she smiled at me while pulling her top down to cover. If her mother was there, there's always the chance she would take it the wrong way (and besides, shouldn't she have pointed it out first?)

 

[Kishtu]

Weeell... I understand, but there is a vast difference between cruel, snotty teenagers dissing each other and adults genuinely trying to be helpful. I'm like Tatum, I will definitely point something out to a lady if I can manage, especially in the sisterly atmosphere of the little girls' room. And I like what Bluebird Marsha says about pointing out things the lady can fix or not, that's a good rule.

Of course, and you're right, there is a big difference... but it doesn't always feel that way if you're on the receiving end, and that I think is the bit that's difficult to judge if you're a complete stranger. If you're feeling a bit fragile it can feel like a personal criticism. Not all the people who tried to make me smarten up were snotty teenagers. Some of them were the teachers, and they thought they were doing me a favour....

Many, many moons ago I used to date a young man with Aspergers Syndrome and he used to make it his personal business to point out any defects in people's attire like bra straps showing etc. It was not always taken in the helpful spirit it was intended!