What do they want? What did they want in the Golden era?

[sheeplady]

It is a cultural thing, obviously. I think we're fairly monogamous, it's just that people traditionally do not see the need to involve anyone else in their private business. You also need to remember that Sweden is probably the most secular country in the world. Me, I am not at all against marriage, but my ex had issues with it (the ceremony and legal framework, not a monogamous relationship) and flat out refused. It's not at all uncommon here so I respected that. If it matters, I can add that my outlook is extremely monogamous. However, I don't pass judgement on people who have a different view.

I think anyone who has a successful relationship can only be congratulated and yes, it takes hard work. However, it's also about being fortunate in meeting someone you can make it work with. I think many people who have seen a bad, harmful or abusive relationship up close, directly or indirectly, can vouch for the fact that one person cannot make it work on their own, no matter how much they are willing to make it about Us or even You, rather than Me. I also think you need to understand that the emotional resilience is limited in most humans and that people may have painful experiences that you don't know about, and may not even be able to imagine.

Love is a wonderful thing and comes in many shapes and shades. We should try to give it where we can -- to partners, children, parents, siblings, friends, people in need... I think love in any shape can make a life worthwhile, actually. And it's not about getting, it's about giving. It's not about being loved, but loving. That outlook, when shared by both parties in a relationship, I think is vital in making it successful.

I like the ability to "opt out" of a common law marriage. In the U.S., we don't have anything similar, so if you live in a common law state, you're just married. I think people have a ton of reasons why they might "settle down" with someone but not want to marry, and I really agree with that point you make. But I've also known a few people who had long-term (I'm talking 20 or 30 year live-in relationships) who ended up on the short end of the stick if they didn't live in a common law state if their partner/ spouse got sick, died, or someone else happened and they lacked that piece of paper- even to the point they could not make medical decisions for their partner and they were instead made by an estranged relative. That's not even getting into who inherits what if your name is not on the deed to the place the couple lived. A lot of these couples saw themselves as husband and wife, and would have liked to benefit from being common law, but didn't want to get married for whatever reason.

One of the things that complicates things in the U.S. is that marriage is considered the status quo- and one of the ways you access benefits. For instance, health insurance will typically provide benefits to your spouse only if legally married- the same with defined benefit retirement plans. Also, governmental programs like social security (which provides a monthly sum to people roughly age 65 and over) use marriage as a criteria for benefits- you can collect your own or half the amount of your spouses, whichever is greater. I've known more than one person who was legally married to another, but there was absolutely no love or romance involved, it was simply a cost/benefit scenario or a financial proposition.

I also like what you say about love.

 

[SHOWSOMECLASS]

Many or all of us, are damged in one way or another.
If couples would take it slow and think and talk above the waistline, they may really learn about what is below the surface.
Problem for most is, they really don't start to talk until the problems start.
Then couples say, "I had no idea you felt this way or you are telling me this now"?!!
I know a person at work who was dating a divorced person w/ custody of three pre-teen kids. They said they would never marry someone w/ three preteens.
Long story short.
Why were they dating each other?
Because, topics as important and obvious as raising step-kids was never discussed.
Perhaps one, or both didn't want to deal w/ the results of reality by talking about what was most important.
Each one was living their own personal fantasy.

 

[John in Covina]

With all of the sex talk I'd just like to remind everyone that some time after sex you're actually going to have to talk with the ohter person about real things and that's pretty darn important for a relationship.

New lovers go at it like they're trying to break something but in the end I think a couple that is married finds that their happiest and proudest moments together are not centered on the bedroom.

 

[Touchofevil]

With all of the sex talk I'd just like to remind everyone that some time after sex you're actually going to have to talk with the ohter person about real things and that's pretty darn important for a relationship.

New lovers go at it like they're trying to break something but in the end I think a couple that is married finds that their happiest and proudest moments together are not centered on the bedroom.

The mental connection is where it is at! It is where the true thrill of a relationship exists. It heightens the physical much moreso than rutting like two wild animals. It is what keeps the relationship interesting five years, ten years down the line. Without the mental connection it is really nothing more than as one FLer might say, "meh."