Well, it's over.

[Hondo]

Go for it! Feel free to vent all you want, it happens, mine was different, no children involved but a life time (15 yrs together) enjoy able but sad,
but mine was done in by alcohol (hers not mine)
Probably waited too long but love does crazy things.
I wish you and the children well, maybe just forgive and let her go,
She might feel some remorse but then maybe not.
You still got them kids, your health, be thankful
work on it not being so stressful.
Take care

 

[PADDY]

Try to be strong Richard...

...and use the Lounge just as an escape from the reality of things at your end, okay?

This will be like a bereavement for you my friend and I dare say you have all the emotions God gives us running through you right now.

I wish I could offer words that could ease the pain, but sadly I cannot. But just 'know' that you have a place to come to to sound off and get things down in writing, which can be of help.

Just so sorry you are going through this very traumatic and agonising time, I really am.

Your friend, Paddy.

 

[JerseyJones]

Hey LockTown,

I echo my fellow members when I say, we are ALL here for you. You can PM, email or call me at the Camptown line, just to talk whenever. I know its my business line, but I consider the folks here and at COW my business. My friends are my business.

Everyone deals with pain in their own way. Thanks to places like this where good people congregate, you need not suffer alone.

Get a good lawyer. Fight for your boys. But don't ever let it decend into hatefulness against their mom. I've watched that as a lawyer and a friend and it never helps. You can control only what is in your power to control, so you can be sure that they see their dad being their dad. Not some angry man who suddenly hates their mom.

I will pray for you and your family. Remember, call me if you want to.

Ken

My wife and I have been (what I thought to be) happily married for more than ten years. The past six months have seen us separated with me sleeping on the sofa and still working, scheduling kids, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc... all the while hoping that I can keep that little spark of romance alive. Last night she told me I was a poison and that she couldn't look at me anymore. She apparently hasn't felt any love toward me in over a year. This crushed me utterly and completely. For I still love her with all my heart. But now we started dividing assets and I have to find a new place to live ... away from my boys (12, 11, 7). They mean everything to me. They also realize that this divorce means a whole lot more work for them, as they will now be expected to do all the chores I used to do. The older two already told her they hate her for this and want to live with me. This only caused her to fly into a rage at me with threats to take everything and not even leave me a share of the custody of the kids.

I feel I've given up. I'm too old to start over. Love hurts too much to try again. I hate living here in the desert and want badly to move back to Oregon. But I also don't know what I'll ever do without seeing my kids on a daily basis. I can't handle much more of this pain, but know that there's a long way to go before I can forget and forgive.

Sorry for the rant. I'm not really looking for any responses or advice. I just needed a little bit of verbal catharsis.

Richard

 

[eightbore]

Do not be aggressive, hateful, sneaky or vindictive.....that's why you are paying a good lawyer.

 

[HoosierDaddy]

Big Man honestly laid it on the line. Sadly,sometimes through extreme emotions and tremendous heartache...it may be finally and unfortunately realized that "best friends" may not really be plural. Otherwise..it does take two. Many suffer through with hope and then become bitter because it just wasn't mutual. Look at the other side. She may be miserable with her decisions. With those changes of mind comes responsibility. Guilt can cause one to be excessively harsh and help feed a determination to proceed. It is always good to be civil as possible...and compassionate. However..it is also wise to calmly and quietly listen to the "what if" in the back of your mind. Considering what would be best for mainly you and your children if the worse may come... is not giving up.....but only protecting what is also dear.
Trying to deal with someone heartfelt and rationally who might not be rational right now....would cause misery for the best of us.
Just try to think carefully that you must find strength....and that you are needed.
Sorry for this bit of advice..but some of us have been right close to where you are now...and do care.

 

[Josephine]

... The doctors think its malignant but need these tests to confirm that. Thats all she needs on top of this mess ... cancer. That's another reason I will be the one moving out.

Do you have to move out? Can you stay in another bedroom or the like and be there for her and the kids as she goes through this? Or would that be too hurtful for you? I'm just worried that with you gone she would lean on the kids too much for support. I always hated it when people told the oldest son "you're the man of the house now". They're kids, they in all likelihood won't be able to handle cancer on top of a divorce without you there with them.

 

[Paisley]

Richard, I've never been married, so take this suggestion for whatever you think it's worth.

You say you've been running the household and sleeping on the couch and your wife doesn't appreciate you. I don't think it's right for her to ask you to leave, but if you do get your own place, she might finally realize what an asset you've been. And if she sees you refreshed, exercised, and looking like a million bucks, she might see you more as an attractive man and less as the hired help. We've had long threads at the FL about women liking jerks, or at least not liking "nice" guys (read: doormats).

Yes, I know turning this around is a long shot. Even if you do all this, you should still get a lawyer.

 

[Dixon Cannon]

Oh yeh!.....

I've been there; after twelve years together, divorce, bankruptcy, depression - you know, the usual stuff!

I was fortunate as there were no children involved and it was a relatively easy split. I has been twelve years since then and I haven't seen or heard from her since.

Now there is a new love in my life, a wonderful home, travel and I can barely remember the hurt and pain from a decade ago. Trust me - it will get better and years from now it will seem like another of life's interesting experiences that you worked through, found strength and grew.

Next thing you know, you'll be giving sage advise to someone in exactly the same position and your experience, perception and calm words will help them find their way through.

Obla di, Obla da!

-dixon cannon

 

[SamMarlowPI]

like others, i got your back Dog...been in the middle of one myself...just don't give up...for what its worth, and hopefully appropriate, "what doesn't do ya' in makes ya' stronger"...

 

[Jovan]

like others, i got your back Dog...

Had I not noticed "Dog" in his screen name now, I would have mistaken you for a hip hop artist.

 

[SamMarlowPI]

Had I not noticed "Dog" in his screen name now, I would have mistaken you for a hip hop artist.

lol...well since we're all friends here in the Lounge, it would be out of place to take offense at that, but do you happen to have something against hip hop artists? not to be fftopic: but hip hop is actually confused nowadays with rap, which includes sagging pants, gold teeth, drive-by shootings and abusing women...actual hip hop is in reference to the 80's and early 90's when artists sang about life and social issues...sorry for the fftopic: but i just wanted to clarify for the future

 

[Jovan]

I have nothing against them at all... I was just commenting on the use of "dog" to mean friend, brother, etc. that they seem to use. Rap isn't always about that. The worst examples can be, however. At the same time, I've heard rap that talks about that, but it's clearly meant to be taken non-seriously and is pretty humourous. *shrug*

 

[SamMarlowPI]

I have nothing against them at all... I was just commenting on the use of "dog" to mean friend, brother, etc. that they seem to use. Rap isn't always about that. The worst examples can be, however. At the same time, I've heard rap that talks about that, but it's clearly meant to be taken non-seriously and is pretty humourous. *shrug*

very much so, i was generalizing a bit...no hard feelings

 

[Andykev]

Put your entire being into salvation of your marriage for the sake of the boys

Well hang in there. I don't know you, nor her. I don't know if you have a family support group, a Church Minister, or a local - trusted - counselor. If you have done counseling?

Most of the time, in my experience, these things "didn't happen overnight". There has been some indications, no?

I am not Dr. Phil, and I'm not Dr. Laura...I can only offer my sincere wish that you both find yourselves. And the boys. Do you have that in common? A total love for your children. You gave them life, brought them into the world. They are probably more hurt in this than you or the Mrs.

Like said above...do all you can. TALK. TALK. Make Concessions. ASK WHY in a non threatening manner. DO NOT BLAME. Find common ground. Seek HELP.

Good Luck, God Bless.

 

[Masonjar]

Same thing happened to me 15 years ago. I was absolutely devastated, but as time went on it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. You will probably find the same thing as time goes on.

As someone who's "in this neighborhood," so to speak, it's hard to think of this all in terms of "best thing that ever happened" to me because right now, the negative feelings are so overwhelming.. guilt, pain, loss, failure, guilt, sadness, did I say guilt?

Maybe someday, a different perspective will come, but for now, its very difficult to look to a somehow "brighter" future... even though, for the "other" person, that "brighter" future is ALL that they want.

-Mason

 

[LocktownDog]

I'm right there with ya, Mason. There's anger, depression, desperation, and guilt. Lots of guilt. Lots of "what ifs". And under all of it is the fact that I still love her.

She doesn't quite want me to move out just yet. There's apparently still things to be done. A few repairs on her truck, landscaping, fixing the computer and the woodstove chimney, etc. I discovered evidence the other day that she is in love with someone else and has been for several months. He loves her too. She's been taking our sons out on "family dates" with him and trying to get them to really like him a lot. They don't. My 11 yr old wants to kill him. All the while, she denies dating anyone or trying to replace me at all. Although she wanted me to move out as soon as possible, her mind was changed this week by the fact that this idiot boyfriend of hers (the love letter he wrote had more misspellings and grammatical errors than my dog could ever make) ... anyway, this idiot boyfriend was just jailed in Lassen County on multiple charges of rape and kidnapping. Yay. He swears he didn't do any of these things, but was told to do the time or he'll lose custody of his daughters. So he's not fighting it. Like I said ... idiot.

But then again, he has the love of my wife. He's still a better man than me. He'll be a better husband and father, I'm sure. I figure I'll be lonely and utterly guilty for screwing this up for the rest of my miserable life.

Now for a mood swing! As the mother of my children, I never want to see her hurt in any way and will help her and support her as much as my emotional state will allow. I can't see myself ever hating her (even after months of her lying to me and the kids). And maybe someday I'll find someone who I can love as much, if not more. Perhaps I won't mess things up a second time.

That's the one thing I've figured out so far. There's always hope.

Richard

 

[panamag8or]

Perhaps I won't mess things up a second time.

Richard

Whoa, whoa.... It doesn't sound like you messed anything up. She has made all the questionable choices so far. Don't beat yourself up over choices she made.

 

[BeBopBaby]

Locktowndog, please take this all with a grain of salt. It's hard for me to know exactly what the situation is or what you are going through, but I hope you will at least consider what I'm typing.

It sounds to me like she is abusing your good nature. I get the impression that she thinks you're good enough to do her work/hard labor, but not good enough for anything else. You're too good of a person to be abused in this fashion.

And remember - there is probably nothing you could have done to avoid this, so please try not to put yourself through the wringer so much. (I know it's easier said than done.) Sometimes bad things happen to good people. It's an unavoidable fact of life. It sounds like this situation came about not as much from what you have done, but from what your wife has done. Please do not blame yourself for the actions of others which you cannot control. This is a difficult enough time to get through without added hardship, don't make it worse for yourself.

I hope that doesn't sound too callous, but you should look after yourself and your children first and foremost.

 

[LocktownDog]

Whoa, whoa.... It doesn't sound like you messed anything up. She has made all the questionable choices so far. Don't beat yourself up over choices she made.

There you go using logic. But like I said, there are a lot of "what ifs". Something I did must have started the ball rolling. Now, I'm not saying she's not a victim of her own free will and was just making choices that didn't agree with our relationship. But I can't use logic ... yet. I'm getting there, however. Funny thing is ... my science geek 12 yr old (entirely logical and over analyzes everything) has been warning me for months that this was happening and trying to reaffirm that I'm the best dad ever.

I love that genius. And Tilly too ... very supportive dog. lol

Richard

 

[RIOT]

LocktownDog – not that I want to pry in to your personal life but why do you put yourself down like that? As I see it, you had done nothing wrong.

How could this idiot be a better man, father, husband than you? He is going to jail with rape & kidnapping charges! 2 crimes in my book that lowers he's life existance to dirt. I would personally beat the living out of this guy or anyone else just for commiting something like this, but that's just me. For that there is no way this POS even comes close to what you are. You deserve so much better. Good luck!

my 2 cents