Well, it's over.

[nyx]

Now for a mood swing! As the mother of my children, I never want to see her hurt in any way and will help her and support her as much as my emotional state will allow. I can't see myself ever hating her (even after months of her lying to me and the kids). And maybe someday I'll find someone who I can love as much, if not more. Perhaps I won't mess things up a second time.

Well that right there proves that you're the better man. I wish my ex-husband had one smidgen of the feeling for me that you have for your wife. I definitely get no compassion or support, even though he is the one that left me. But I can tell you one thing: if your gut says she's seeing this guy, even if she says she's not--go with the gut. I wish I would have listened to mine. My ex STILL refuses to admit that he's with someone else, even though all signs point to it, and heck, we're divorced so it doesn't even matter anymore. Some people just can't face the truth that they've done something bad. They deny it to others so they can convince themselves. But you'll come out of it ok, because you are the better man--better than your wife, and this other guy too.

BTW--I am in love with your dog.

 

[Paisley]

She doesn't quite want me to move out just yet. There's apparently still things to be done. A few repairs on her truck, landscaping, fixing the computer and the woodstove chimney, etc. I discovered evidence the other day that she is in love with someone else and has been for several months. He loves her too. She's been taking our sons out on "family dates" with him and trying to get them to really like him a lot. They don't. My 11 yr old wants to kill him. All the while, she denies dating anyone or trying to replace me at all. Although she wanted me to move out as soon as possible, her mind was changed this week by the fact that this idiot boyfriend of hers (the love letter he wrote had more misspellings and grammatical errors than my dog could ever make) ... anyway, this idiot boyfriend was just jailed in Lassen County on multiple charges of rape and kidnapping. Yay. He swears he didn't do any of these things, but was told to do the time or he'll lose custody of his daughters. So he's not fighting it. Like I said ... idiot.

Get a lawyer. Immediately, if not sooner. This man should NOT be left alone with your kids. The second thing to do is fix her truck so she can pack it up and leave.

You might be thinking logically, and your kids might be thinking logically, but your wife isn't. A logical person knows better than to break up a family because they've fallen in love with a criminal.

 

[Big Man]

... fix her truck so she can pack it up and leave ...

Fix her truck, hell. Let her maggot boy friend buy her a truck and tell her hit the road. :rage:

 

[panamag8or]

Fix her truck, hell. Let her maggot boy friend buy her a truck and tell her hit the road. :rage:

I don't think the county pokie has trucks for sale in their canteen.lol

 

[Rooster]

Fix her truck, hell. Let her maggot boy friend buy her a truck and tell her hit the road. :rage:

My thoughts exactly! Ain't no woman worth that much trouble.....

 

[Paisley]

I was just thinking of expediency. This boyfriend probably doesn't have the money to fill up the gas tank. And I don't think you can legally order a spouse out of the marital home. Richard will probably have to buy his wife's share of the house.

I sometimes work on divorce cases. The more acrimonious the parties are, the more time and money they spend. They can drag on for years. If you're willing to give a little, I think you can come out better.

 

[Ben]

Mr. Dog,

I am hesitant to weigh in on this, but I hope that hearing similar things in different ways will help you.

First, your boys need you. This cannot be stressed enough. Boys especially need a father. Mine was only around intermitently. Even though people would tell me I missed out on a lot by not having him around, I didn't believe it and thought I was fine. As I got older, I realized what that lack meant.

To build on that point, how you handle this situation now will teach your boys a lot about what it means to be a man. You need to dig deep on this one, but think of it this way -- if your boys grew up and found themselves in a similar situation, how would you want them to handle it? How do you want them to handle their relationship and lives? What you do now will teach them a lot about how to handle conflicts, how to stick up for themselves, and how to decide what is right and worth fighting for.

Finally, you are not the leser man because of her intrest in someone else. There is a subtext of social Darwinism in our popular culture and psychology that is feeding on this. Her faulty vision and judgment make her unable to choose a better man. That's not your fault.

Be strong, hug your boys a lot, and teach them well.

 

[carter]

I'm right there with ya, Mason. There's anger, depression, desperation, and guilt. Lots of guilt. Lots of "what ifs". And under all of it is the fact that I still love her.

She doesn't quite want me to move out just yet. There's apparently still things to be done. A few repairs on her truck, landscaping, fixing the computer and the woodstove chimney, etc. I discovered evidence the other day that she is in love with someone else and has been for several months. He loves her too. She's been taking our sons out on "family dates" with him and trying to get them to really like him a lot. They don't. My 11 yr old wants to kill him. All the while, she denies dating anyone or trying to replace me at all. Although she wanted me to move out as soon as possible, her mind was changed this week by the fact that this idiot boyfriend of hers (the love letter he wrote had more misspellings and grammatical errors than my dog could ever make) ... anyway, this idiot boyfriend was just jailed in Lassen County on multiple charges of rape and kidnapping. Yay. He swears he didn't do any of these things, but was told to do the time or he'll lose custody of his daughters. So he's not fighting it. Like I said ... idiot.

But then again, he has the love of my wife. He's still a better man than me. He'll be a better husband and father, I'm sure. I figure I'll be lonely and utterly guilty for screwing this up for the rest of my miserable life.

Now for a mood swing! As the mother of my children, I never want to see her hurt in any way and will help her and support her as much as my emotional state will allow. I can't see myself ever hating her (even after months of her lying to me and the kids). And maybe someday I'll find someone who I can love as much, if not more. Perhaps I won't mess things up a second time.

That's the one thing I've figured out so far. There's always hope.

Richard

Richard, Not being in your shoes or near your situation, I can tell you that you have written something that may mean you can seek custody of your boys and quite possibly win.

If your spouse was in fact taking your sons with her on "family dates" with this man and if he is in fact convicted of kidnapping and rape, you have grounds for seeking custody strictly based on child protection issues.

I encourage you to put the welfare of the boys first.
Your wife can take care of herself. Those boys can't.
Courts strongly take the welfare of the children into consideration. Prove to them that you are the better parent.

I won primary custodial care of my kids and you may be able to as well.

 

[Vintage Betty]

Far be it for me to judge at a time like this. However, if I may offer a few suggestions?

She doesn't quite want me to move out just yet. There's apparently still things to be done. A few repairs on her truck, landscaping, fixing the computer and the woodstove chimney, etc.

After consulting with your lawyer, please get advice on whether these things are: required or not required for the upcoming months? Is the computer necessary for your livelihood or your kids schoolwork? Or it is her computer that she needs for socializing? Is the chimney necessary to fix for winter? Or to improve the future home value? Things for the day to day life for the family should be considered first and foremost.

Keep track of every single thing you do for the family in the way of repairs from here forward:

• Time
• Date
• Length of time
• Money spent

This could be in your favor in the future, when it shows how you extended goodwill to the family and support of your children.

I discovered evidence the other day that she is in love with someone else and has been for several months. <snipped>

Although she wanted me to move out as soon as possible, her mind was changed this week by the fact that this idiot boyfriend of hers (the love letter he wrote) ... <snip>

You need to start collecting and documenting all the evidence you found of this relationship. This can be done in an excel spreadsheet. Keep one copy of everything at home, and another off-site. Hard copies AND soft copies. Back up her mailbox if you must, and bring the backups to a safe deposit box or your lawyers. The spreadsheet needs to contain:

• Date
• Time (if known)
• Action taken by your wife

I'm sure your lawyer can advise you better than I, but you will need this documented proof for the future. Think of it as insurance. You might not need this data, but it certainly helps if needed. If she has already lied once, she will do so again. And you can't be caught in her lies, with the children at stake.

anyway, this idiot boyfriend was just jailed in Lassen County on multiple charges of rape and kidnapping. Yay. He swears he didn't do any of these things, but was told to do the time or he'll lose custody of his daughters. So he's not fighting it. Like I said ... idiot.

Actually, this is more than an idiot. It screams to me that your children could be in danger. I would ask your lawyer about child protective services for your children or you can simply call the toll free number in the front of your phone book. Does he have the legal right to visit with children because they are in the company of an adult? Do you have the right to bar this man and his visits with your children? I am not talking jealousy or anger here, I am talking safety.

But then again, he has the love of my wife. He's still a better man than me. He'll be a better husband and father, I'm sure. I figure I'll be lonely and utterly guilty for screwing this up for the rest of my miserable life.

Let's review his track record here for a moment eh?

• Visits a married woman behind her husband's back
• Visits with the children of the married woman behind the husband's back
• Has prior charges and is just out of jail.

Take some time and think these things over. And you are special, which is why your children are reaching out to YOU. Just because this happened, doesn't make you guilty.

Now for a mood swing! As the mother of my children, I never want to see her hurt in any way and will help her and support her as much as my emotional state will allow. I can't see myself ever hating her (even after months of her lying to me and the kids). And maybe someday I'll find someone who I can love as much, if not more. Perhaps I won't mess things up a second time.

I support you in this decision. However, there is a huge difference between supporting the mother of your children so that everyone can move on with their lives, and being taken as a total easy pushover to make her life easier. (Hey honey, fix these things so life is easier for me and than move out of our home and leave everything you know behind ok? And don't forget to shut the door behind you). Harsh yes, but that's what I read.

People care about you here on the board. Obviously, you are someone who matters greatly already, or we would not be reaching out to YOU and trying to help YOU.

What does your minister, lawyer, friends and family say?

Vintage Betty

 

[Big Man]

Far be it for me to judge at a time like this. However, if I may offer a few suggestions? ...

Vintage Betty

Excellent advise. Please take Vintage Betty's suggestions seriously. Speaking from experience (learned the hard way), I guarantee your wife is collecting/keeping the same kind of information on you ! For someone who is determined to separate from you, information can - and will be - skewed, twisted, and "selectively presented" to make YOU look bad. It is only prudent to protect yourself from this.

Like I said earlier in this thread, in all things be descent and respectful (it is something hard to do, but in the long run it will pay off). HOWEVER, DO NOT LET HER TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU, and do not provide her with ammunition to use against you.

And, most importantly, know that you have friends here that care about you and your family.

 

[LocktownDog]

Thanks to all. But she's really not taking advantage of me at all ... at least not the fixer-upper stuff and such. I do that because I care about her and the boys. That's all. If we never had children, I would still do everything I could for her until I knew she was happy and safe. As for her "boyfriend" (my god it hurts to say that), he hasn't been convicted. He's awaiting trial. I personally think the charges are actually trumped up by his ex-wife (who is the alleged victim). A friend of mine knows her and thinks she's a psychotic maniac. Chances are he's innocent ... and I have mixed feelings about that. If he's innocent, then I feel terribly sorry for him. If he's guilty, than I want to be the one who pulls the switch on the S.O.B.

She's made it abundantly clear that our marriage is over. I can live with that. I'm just so tired and numb from all the tension. We are still friendly. In fact, she says that I'm still the only friend she can trust with her life. I would hope that her lies about the guy were to save my feelings rather than to pull one over on me. She's still the mother of my children, and she would rather die than to see her boys even shed a tear. I've had faith in her for over 11 years and won't give that up now, even if we are with other people (in my case, in the far far future ... jeez, I haven't been on a non-married date since I was 27!).

If I thought the kids were ever in any danger, I would fight like nobody's business. Everything is being documented. And the kids are being incredibly supportive of both their mother and I.

I'll be okay. The kids will be okay. She will be okay. Its my job to take care of us all, whether we all live under the same roof or not.

Richard
PS:: You people are the best. Thanks for all the support and advice. Each word is read and cherished. :eusa_clap

 

[LocktownDog]

BTW--I am in love with your dog.

That would be Ms. Tilly Mook (after Tillamook Oregon). She will be coming with me when I move. She's my little shedding neurotic sweetheart.

Gee, Antonn will get depressed you love the dog but not him.

Richard

 

[Lincsong]

Get custody of the boys.

 

[HamletJSD]

Locktown

Young guy, married only 4+ years, so no experiential advice for you, but I can say this:

Most of us probably don't know you from Adam ... but we can tell from your posts that you're honest, intelligent, and have a heartfelt love for your family. In other words, you seem like the kind of Man the world needs more of.

Guys like you come out ahead and stronger through adversity.
Keep your head up.

 

[Paisley]

Thanks to all. But she's really not taking advantage of me at all ... at least not the fixer-upper stuff and such. I do that because I care about her and the boys. That's all. If we never had children, I would still do everything I could for her until I knew she was happy and safe. As for her "boyfriend" (my god it hurts to say that), he hasn't been convicted. He's awaiting trial. I personally think the charges are actually trumped up by his ex-wife (who is the alleged victim). A friend of mine knows her and thinks she's a psychotic maniac. Chances are he's innocent ... and I have mixed feelings about that. If he's innocent, then I feel terribly sorry for him. If he's guilty, than I want to be the one who pulls the switch on the S.O.B.

She's made it abundantly clear that our marriage is over. I can live with that. I'm just so tired and numb from all the tension. We are still friendly. In fact, she says that I'm still the only friend she can trust with her life. I would hope that her lies about the guy were to save my feelings rather than to pull one over on me. She's still the mother of my children, and she would rather die than to see her boys even shed a tear. I've had faith in her for over 11 years and won't give that up now, even if we are with other people (in my case, in the far far future ... jeez, I haven't been on a non-married date since I was 27!).

If I thought the kids were ever in any danger, I would fight like nobody's business. Everything is being documented. And the kids are being incredibly supportive of both their mother and I.

I'll be okay. The kids will be okay. She will be okay. Its my job to take care of us all, whether we all live under the same roof or not.

Richard
PS:: You people are the best. Thanks for all the support and advice. Each word is read and cherished. :eusa_clap

Even if his wife is disturbed, it doesn't mean she wasn't assaulted. "Innocent until proven guilty" is a legal concept, not a way to run a family. Child abuse frequently happens at the hands of the mother's boyfriend, and an accused rapist with a psychotic wife is, to my mind, a prime candidate for committing child abuse. From what you've written, I think it might be a good idea for you to stay in the house so your wife can't move her boyfriend in.

 

[Mike in Seattle]

Echoing the others - if you don't already, get an attorney and lay everything out and see what the attorney suggests. Myself, if this guy is saying he's not going to fight the rape & so forth charges, and is going to sit in jail just so it doesn't affect his custody of his children, that sounds pretty odd. If you don't fight the charge, then you're automatically guilty, and then his current or soon-to-be ex-wife would have grounds for keeping him away from their children. It just sounds odd.

And when this guy is found guilty and/or dumps your wife, and she comes rushing back...IMHO, I'd give that a lot of thought. Who's to say she's not going to do it again, or that she's using you as a temporary replacement? It's sort of like she's pinning a second-place ribbon on you, and if first place is out of the picture, you're first choice...for the time being. She needs someone to be a computer repairman, household handyman, etc., and there you are saying "Pick me! Pick me!"

Everyone (yourself & the kids at least) should probably look into some sort of counseling. I'm sure there's a lot of pent-up anger (or not so pent-up) that needs to be worked through, the kids especially.