The Evidence of Old Lovers - Keep or Destroy?

[Edward]

To each their own, but I've never understood cutting a piece out of the fabric of your life as if it never existed. [huh]

It's not so much a Stalinist purging, but rather for me it's living out the maxim "forget the experience, remember the lesson."

Each to their own, though, as you rightly say.

ETA: For what it's worth, I wouldn't much care one way or the other whether someone I was involved with kept that sort of stuff for themselves (providing obviously it wasn't unhealthy or obsessive, but I'm sure there would be other, better indicators of that sort of mindset). I just don 't care to keep stuff for myself once the relationship that gave them any value is dead and gone.

 

[Miss Crisplock]

You sweet talker, you

 

[scotrace]

What about letters, photos, gifts, from former spouses?

I've saved some pictures and vhs video from wedding 1 - but the main reason/excuse is that there are many relatives in them who have since passed away. And chopping up pictures to remove someone seem icky.

 

[Caledonia]

Hmm, let's see. Gifts etc should be returned, a la Debretts. Photos, letters etc... Exterminate, exterminate (hard to get the tone of voice across, but if in doubt check out the Daleks in Dr Who). But a photo of you Scotty my lad....

 

[Barbigirl]

I'm a keeper

I have a storage tote of sentimental times and love letter and photos from high school.

I have another storage tote with numerous framed photos over the last decade, cards, letters, notes that I cannot bear to part with but don't care to look at often. Framed photos are the hardest, can you really just throw a photo away?

I keep everything, something pains be to throw anything of sentiment away even if the relationship is over. There are still happy memories tied to the items.

 

[HungaryTom]

Hide them

Keep them and hide them for God's sake!

 

[Barbigirl]

Keep them and hide them for God's sake!

Of course, I have to agree with that. No point in making the current "the one" in your life unhappy.

 

[MaryDeluxe]

Hmmm lets see....
I've kept some....
I've burned some...
I've turned some into paintings and then had a show at a gallery! My show was called liars, cheaters, and losers! Oh and I invited all the exs too! Perhaps I was a little scorned? lol lol Good times!

I guess it really depends on how it ends. Doesn't it??[huh]

 

[Caledonia]

Ah! A woman scorned. Nothing in the universe more creative.

 

[MaryDeluxe]

Ah! A woman scorned. Nothing in the universe more creative.

I tell ya...some of my most creative times are right after the ending of a relationship! Lets just say I was very busy and creative in my 20's! lol

 

[TessTrueheart]

I've turned some into paintings and then had a show at a gallery! My show was called liars, cheaters, and losers!

Oh good, now I know what to do with mine.lol lol lol

 

[RIOT]

I would burn them all! There is no need to be reminded of the past, especially if it wasn't meant to be.

 

[Foofoogal]

http://www.maidensmemoirs.com/

this is a dealer I know. Your stuff could be the antiques of yesterday. especially with internet who writes letters anymore?
I have some stuff from my old boyfriend who I would still love to just find out how life treated him. I found out my honey now sort of told him to get lost when I wasn't looking. Took me 10 years to find that out. lol

I take lots of movies and pictures. If I destroyed everything everyone wanted because an ex spouse or lover was in these I would have nothing left.
Unless it caused total grief in someone I see no reason.
So that said, if you don't want it again. Send it to me. One day it may be worth lots of moola.

 

[Cascadian]

At the risk of sounding like a prig on my very sixth post, I would think that if the lady asked you to destroy them, the thing to do would be to destroy them -- at least if you're sure she meant it seriously.

Particularly since, as you say, you've remained friends with her over the years. It's not like she's gone from your life forever.

 

[LizzieMaine]

After my divorce, I think I went thru every approach mentioned here so far -- some stuff I smashed to bits, some stuff I hauled to the dump, some stuff I just tossed in a box in the garage and forgot about, and some stuff I actually packed away in a trunk in my mother's attic. But I wasn't very thorough, and even now, five years later and my ex long since remarried, I still come across bits and pieces I didn't realize I had.

What I do with those depends on how I feel at the moment -- right now I've got a 1928-dated men's suit in a box out in the garage, left over from some long-ago community theatre production we were in together, and I am torn on what to do with it. Part of me wants to just leave it where it is, and
part of me wants to flog it here on the Lounge and make a few bucks off it. I dunno. But I don't feel a lot of emotion about it, one way or another, and I think that's a sign I'm over the worst of it.

I will say though, the smashing-stuff-up thing can be very cathartic. When my mother's second husband walked out on her, she took a sledgehammer to his motorcycle -- and found it a very refreshing, restorative experience.

 

[alexandra]

I have a pair of boxers tossed in the back of my dresser from an old boyfriend and his name was Joe. I also have underwear by the brand of Joe Boxer.

Once, I was with a different ex-boyfriend who was totally jealous of Joe and said "I'm wearing my Joe Boxers today" completely forgetting he knew about my stash of boxers and he got in this huge fight with me about "How could you wear those out with me rarararar!!"

I had no idea (until I figured out what happened 2 days later) why wearing a pair of Joe Boxer underwear was such a problem! haha

 

[The Shirt]

I keep them. They are stashed away where my partner would not likely find them. I never really had a horrible, kick and scream sort of break up. And there have been too many to count. Even the few that broke my heart in pieces, I still think fondly of them. I'd miss the reminders of how my heart felt. I think the experience has made me a fuller, wiser person even more capable of love. I look back at some letters and journals and I laugh for hours. I devour reading it perhaps once a year. I wish them all well but truth be told there is not one I would go back to.

If someone asked me to destroy them - I think I'd tell them I will stash them off the premises but that's about the extent of it. They bring me joy and remind me of being young and crazy.

 

[warbird]

After my divorce, I think I went thru every approach mentioned here so far -- some stuff I smashed to bits, some stuff I hauled to the dump, some stuff I just tossed in a box in the garage and forgot about, and some stuff I actually packed away in a trunk in my mother's attic. But I wasn't very thorough, and even now, five years later and my ex long since remarried, I still come across bits and pieces I didn't realize I had.

What I do with those depends on how I feel at the moment -- right now I've got a 1928-dated men's suit in a box out in the garage, left over from some long-ago community theatre production we were in together, and I am torn on what to do with it. Part of me wants to just leave it where it is, and
part of me wants to flog it here on the Lounge and make a few bucks off it. I dunno. But I don't feel a lot of emotion about it, one way or another, and I think that's a sign I'm over the worst of it.

I will say though, the smashing-stuff-up thing can be very cathartic. When my mother's second husband walked out on her, she took a sledgehammer to his motorcycle -- and found it a very refreshing, restorative experience.

Oh Lizzie, not the motorcycle. lol

 

[Samsa]

For the most part I get rid of everything. I have kept a few pictures from one relationship, but that was the exception.

Edit: Actually, I lied. I do keep gifts, for the most part.

 

[PhilS]

You don't say whether you are married

In speaking with a now-happily-married former girlfriend from a long time ago (we've remained friends through the years), she said she was in the process of burning old diaries and asked if I still had the letters she wrote me at the time we were in a romantic relationship.

"Of course. And all the notes passed in study halls."

"You're kidding!!?? Well, get rid of them! I don't want anyone to read that private stuff, no matter how long ago."

I tend to see every part of my life as a critical part of who I am today, good or bad. I don't see any need to erase any of my past from future knowledge. There's nothing to hide or to be ashamed of. Besides, I still have and use gifts I got from high school girlfriends... I'm a little smushy that way.

But I can see my friend's point.

What's best? Erase evidence of old lovers? Or keep it all tucked away somewhere? If you knew your partner had a stash of letters or momentos of a previous relationship, would you peek? Would it upset you? Would you be unhappy if you found that one of your former dreamies had kept the notes (naughty bits and all) you sent?

And what if everyone observed the "burn it" rule? Some of the most appreciated items shared on the Fedora Lounge are the surprise discoveries of old love letters from a great-grandparent. If they had been destroyed, wouldn't we miss an fascinating piece of the puzzle of our ancestor's lives?

And whether you want to stay married. My wife is not the jealous sort, but I would not want to have to explain why I hung on to old love letters, especially when the author asked me to toss them.

I tend to agree that gallantry demands that your old girlfriend should have the final say as to the letters she wrote. You can keep your own stuff, such as diaries, and gifts are fair game, but IMHO any pleasure from old love letters with persons who I broke up with are too likely to lead to misunderstanding and hurt feelings.

Maybe I'd make an exception if the lover was dead -- but probably only if we were together when she died.