The Era -- Day By Day

[Fading Fast]

(I don't know why the War Department would doubt those markers. Don't they read Dan Dunn? And yeah, 2 pounds of scrap metal seems excessive to see the Phillies. How 'bout this gum wrapper?)
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The markers pointing to factories, etc. story - already an attention grabber - just got much-more interesting.

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Germany released 1000 war prisoners today in an exchange for an equal number of "volunteer French workers" for industrial plants in Germany. Vichy government chief Pierre Laval, meeting the returning French POWs at Compiegne, indicated that "only a few more" such exchanges may be expected, noting that Germany will only accept qualified "speciaist" workers in exchange for prisoners, and then only on the basis of three specialists for one prisoner. Common French laborers, Laval noted, are not wanted. Laval praised Hitler for "showing his regard for France" by permitting the exchange to take place.
..

Here's an idea, shut the ef up, Laval.

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(Just stay out of Red Hook.)
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Dear Lord, how do they say this stuff with a straight face? It was only a few weeks ago that they shut down a high-end one in the East 60s. Yeah, I'm sure that was the last one in the entire city. I assume Valentine would also tell us there were no speakeasies in the city during prohibition.

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(There are a lot of lines to read between in Mr. Evans' column today. "Fiend," when used in a 1942 crime story, usually has a very specific connotation -- a sex criminal who targets children. "Conduct unbecoming a fireman" indeed.)
...

That is a fascinating story - twice convicted of murder and twice sent back to trial on appeal, plus now, the fireman angle and all you note. I'm surprised we haven't seen it popping up, now and then, on the news pages or, at least, on Page Four.

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A 27-year-old Stuyvesant Heights man who pleaded guilty to punching a policeman in the face has been fined $25 and sentenced to do some reading. William Goodrich of 72 Rochester Avenue admitted in Brooklyn Felony Court that he slugged Patrolman Philip Smilowitz at the corner of Rochester Avenue and Pacific Street on the morning of July 30th after the policeman declined his challenge to a fistfight. Goodrich also admitted that, after he was taken to the Atlantic Avenue station, he threw three chairs at the patrolman. After imposing the fine, Magistrate D. Joseph D'Andrea sentenced Goodrich to read "The Adventures of Don Quixote," noting that "fighting a policeman is like fighting a windmill."
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What is it with magistrates and reading assignments lately? It was only a few weeks ago when one of them "sentenced" someone to read a poem. Also, "Don Quixote," really? The logic here is a stretch. Also, if you don't require a book report, you've assigned nothing.

And in the Daily News...

Yeah, but are you sure she's really an Arahapo??
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The parallel jokes to today's behavior by some in the public eye all but write themselves. It's basically the same game, but instead of starlets we have politicians doing it.

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"Quantity business." Does the War Production Board know about this?
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There will always be only one answer to protect the women and, by proxy, the men: legalize and regulate with disease prevention Job One. Also, ten to twenty a night - Jesus. (Poor Senga.)

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"Not so fast, I wanna see him drink the water first!"
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If Mr. Chance was truly this stupid, he would have long ago lost all his money to scammers.

 

[LizzieMaine]

(Mr. Pelley was not only a Nazi, he was a *mystical* Nazi, whose teachings were an early influence on the so-called "Christian Identity" movement which contends that Anglo-Americans are the "true Israel of God," a belief still common in white nationalist/identitarian/neo-Nazi circles today.)

The Royal Air Force dropped a total of 13,000 tons of bombs on Western Europe during June and July in attacks said to be "far more devastating" than the Luftwaffe's worst attacks on Britain. That announcement came from the British Air Ministry today after a "particularly successful" series of raids last night on Mainz in the industrial Rhineland. About 300 planes took part in that attack, with the loss of 16 bombers.

The former manager of the United Press bureau in Manila reports that "outspoken Americans are still held in Manila dungeons," and that "patroitic Filipinos are being executed by the Japanese." Returning home aboard the diplomatic exchange ship Gripsholm, Richard C. Wilson reported that there has also been systematic looting of American shops and homes in Manila, starting the day after the fall of Corregidor, with "seven Japanese steamers" loading the booty, including "electric refrigerators, washing machines, radios, household furnishings, and thousands of tons of rice."

President Roosevelt believes that heavy taxes must continue after the war, in order to pay off the expected national debt of 175 billion dollars. Authoritative sources state that the President has expressed his belief that taxes must remain at wartime levels, and Government expenditures must be "cut to the bone" until the cost of winning the war is recovered. The President is said to have expressed approval of former Treasury Secretary Andrew Mellon's approach to retiring the debt of the First World War under Presidents Harding, Coolidge, and Hoover -- except, the President contends, Mellon acted too quickly in reducing wartime taxes, releasing "a flood of spending power" which the President believes contributed to the 1929 stock market crash.

American airmen and gunners are planning to "freeze the Japanese off the Aleutians," making a series of attacks now intended to make the Japanese position on the islands untenable once winter sets in. Weather in that area is already reported to be bad, and with American forces targeting supply ships and installations, the occupation forces will be unable to withstand the full force of an Arctic winter, which will be well underway by September.

(War makes strange bedfellows.)

Police opened fire on independence demonstrators across India today as riots continued in several major Indian cities. A death toll of around sixty was reported, with both police and demonstrators reported injured by rocks, clubs, bricks, and other missiles. The India Office in London declared that "the situation in India is entirely in hand, and any picture of widespread disorder is entirely distorted."

("Get outta t'em cans," commands Sally, as Leonora flings one flattened tin after another out of the box under the sink, sending Stella the Cat scurrying. "I t'ought t'ey was gonna pick 'em up," wonders Joe. "Or was ya s'posed t'take 'em downa gas station?" "At's tiehs," growls Sally, scrambling under the table to pick up loose cans. "Well, ain'a Boy Scouts comin' t'get 'em?" "At's papeh!" Sally snaps. "But I tell ya one t'ing, if t'ey don't come get 'em today, I'm gonna take 'em down an' give 'em to t' Communiss!")

The head of the Eastern Defense Command reported today that an investigation has found that "no hostile motive" can be demonstrated in connection with ground signs pictured in a release from the First Air Force on Monday, and that an investigation is underway into the circumstances that allowed that release to be issued. Lieutenant General Hugh A. Drum confirmed that the Army is questioning the public relations office at Mitchel Field, under the command of Major Lynn Farnol, to determine why the photographs were issued, and stated that "appropriate action will be taken."

A 50 year old Coney Island carpenter, hysterical in the belief that he had killed a motorcyclist in a collision with his automobile, took his own life in remorse. Solomon Stein raced from the scene of the accident near the corner of K Street and Coney Island Avenue to the basement of his home about 100 yards away, and shot himself in the head with a 32-caliber revolver. The motorcyclist was taken to Kings County Hospital with minor cuts, and is under observation for possible internal injuries. Relatives of Mr. Stein stated that he tended to be "high strung and excitable," but was a good driver.

The Eagle Editorialist demands that something must be done about the subway dimout problem -- it's gotten so the cars are "getting darker and darker and the people riding them are getting madder and madder." "Doing the impossible has always been an American tradition. The present subway lighting problem is no more insoluble than any that have come before it!"

(Mr. Lichty does not enjoy bridge parties.)

(Old Man French?? Can't be. Where's his wattles?)

Boy manager Lou Boudreau has signed a three year contract extension that will keep him on the job with the Cleveland Indians thru the 1944 season. The 25 year old shortstop has been with the Tribe since 1939, but took over as manager from Roger Peckinpaugh under a two year contract at the start of this season. Indians owner Alva Bradley, whose club seems to have regained the stability it lost during the tumultuous reign of former manager Oscar Vitt, did not comment on Boudreau's salary under the extended contract. The youthful player-manager is reported to be receiving about $25,000 a year under his current pact.

In Bayonne, New Jersey a bulldozer working near the Lehigh Valley Railroad tracks hit an unexpected gusher of high-grade refined gasoline yesterday. The fuel, under pumping pressure, spewed nearly fifty feet in the air as bystanders rushed to collect it in pails, cans, barrels, hats, and any other convenient container. It was soon realized that the gasoline was coming from a severed pipe that carried it across the Morris Canal between nearby plants of the Tidewater Oil Company, and the gusher halted when the pumps were shut off. About 200 barrels of gasoline were lost in the incident.

("Ya ma..." begins Joe. "What?" snaps Sally. "Nut'n.")

(How dumb does a spy have to be to wrap plants in an incriminating newspaper? You're being set up, Dan!)

(I was wondering when we'd get around to this!)

(The old Dan never would have said "rat-face!" He'd have said "YOU'RE REACHING FOR MY GUN! I'LL HAVE TO STOP YOU!" And then he'd've had ended up tied to a chair.)

(They're not spies -- they're MOVIE STARS!)

 

[LizzieMaine]

And in the Daily News...

"That's absolutely false about the nude part."

"Well, is it my fault you can only buy beer now in quarts?"

"You just let him drown?" "Well, the paddle wasn't long enough, and anyway, I was going in the other direction."

"You have? Well, good, suppose I just take the day off."

Terry says "boy, Pat would mop the floor with this dope."

"Nah, just some guy with 'The Watchtower.'"

"Besides, doesn't he know there's a lighter fluid shortage?" "Oh, don't worry about that, Ma -- he brought home a hat full of gasoline!"

"Well, what about Tops?" "Ha ha, you're funny."

My grandmother would have reacted exactly like this.

Newspaper distribution is dominated in 1942 by organized crime. So thank heaven we got most of them.

 

[Fading Fast]

...

(War makes strange bedfellows.)
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"The enemy of my enemy ..." and all that. Stalin, as well as many American leaders, knew which current "allies" were going to be enemies after the war.

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The head of the Eastern Defense Command reported today that an investigation has found that "no hostile motive" can be demonstrated in connection with ground signs pictured in a release from the First Air Force on Monday, and that an investigation is underway into the circumstances that allowed that release to be issued. Lieutenant General Hugh A. Drum confirmed that the Army is questioning the public relations office at Mitchel Field, under the command of Major Lynn Farnol, to determine why the photographs were issued, and stated that "appropriate action will be taken."
...

Well now, this is confidence inspiring, isn't it?

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Boy manager Lou Boudreau has signed a three year contract extension that will keep him on the job with the Cleveland Indians thru the 1944 season. The 25 year old shortstop has been with the Tribe since 1939, but took over as manager from Roger Peckinpaugh under a two year contract at the start of this season. Indians owner Alva Bradley, whose club seems to have regained the stability it lost during the tumultuous reign of former manager Oscar Vitt, did not comment on Boudreau's salary under the extended contract. The youthful player-manager is reported to be receiving about $25,000 a year under his current pact.
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That is impressive for a twenty-five-year old.

...

("Ya ma..." begins Joe. "What?" snaps Sally. "Nut'n.")
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Had they been in Magistrate De'Andrea's courtroom, he'd have made them read "The Duel" by Conrad.

And in the Daily News...

"That's absolutely false about the nude part."
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"Fair enough, Mrs. Mitchell, you didn't answer the door in the nude, but how 'bout later when you got out of bed, jumped out of the window and ran to your brother-in-law's house, were you nude then?"

"How is this relevant?"

"Would the Judge please instruct the witness to answer the question?"

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"You have? Well, good, suppose I just take the day off."
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I know I'm not a detective and all that, but if you want to intercept him, how 'bout following him until he's well out of sight of Tiger Lilly? Since he's going into town by himself, how hard could that be?

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Terry says "boy, Pat would mop the floor with this dope."
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"Since I am a young woman of good character...don't look at me like that, Terry, you weren't complaining when I was initiating you into manhood. Both you and April will thank me later."

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"Well, what about Tops?" "Ha ha, you're funny."
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Okay, so she has an itch for the big dumb ones, we kinda knew that, at least she's smart enough not to marry one.

 

[ChiTownScion]

"You just let him drown?"

Sure hope so. Colonel Annie ought to play that for at least an Army Commendation Medal.

 

[LizzieMaine]

(There's Always A Brooklyn Angle! Keep 'em flying, Meyer Levin! Meanwhile, Sally slaps the paper down on the table and frowns a monumental frown. "I TOL' YA! 'At LAN'LAWD! No sand inna pails! No stirrup pumps! No lantrins!! What if we get bombed? Huh? We should put outta fieh wit' what, a baby bot'l?? 'Ats it, we gotta move t' Flatbush!" "What?" gawps Joe. "Wit'allem shootouts????")

A shakeup of the War Department's various public relations organizations was ordered today by Secretary of War Henry L. Stimson, with this week's "marker hoax" cited as evidence that the present arrangement has led to "large subdivisions of the War Department" getting "exaggerated conceptions of their public relations functions," and that the increasing number of public relations officers dealing with the public is creating confusion. The Secretary also stated that he has personally expressed to Major General Hugh A. Drum, commanding officer of the Eastern Defense Command that his investigation into the circumstances under which the First Air Force public relations office distributed the debunked "air marker" photos to the press must be "thorough." The Secretary promised "drastic action" will be taken if it is proven that the marker incident was the result of what the newspapers are already declaring a hoax.

American fighter planes carried out a highly successful attack Tuesday on Japanese-occupied Yochow, in northern Hunan province, and returned to their base without loss, it was revealed today in a communique from the office of Lt. Gen. Joseph V. Stilwell. The planes dropped full loads of high explosives and incendiary bombs, all of which landed in the town.

("What??" says Pvt. Solomon J. Pincus, as his British lady friend turns, red-faced, on her heel and departs. "All I said was, 'toots, you oughta come t'Brooklyn some day an' see t' Bums!'")

It's now Private Clark Gable of the U. S. Army Air Corps. The film star was sworn in as a buck private today by Col. Malcolm P. Andruss of the Los Angeles recruiting office, in a ceremony conducted in secret to avoid the attention of movie fans. Pvt. Gable departed immediately for the Air Corps Officer Training School in Miami.

(Mr. Woolley is determined to avoid typecasting. And I don't know about the rest of yez, but I'm off to the Albee.)

Attorney General John Bennett, disregarding President Roosevelt's endorsement of Senator James Mead in the race for the Democratic gubernatorial nomination, today praised the President as "a man of destiny," whose genius will assure victory for the United Nations. Addressing the opening session of the State American Legion Convention in Syracuse, Mr. Bennett made no direct reference to politics or the gubernatorial race, but did criticize "radicals" who have questioned his pre-Pearl Harbor views. "Criticism and derision did not deter us from our purpose," Mr. Bennett declared, "nor did it deter those great national leaders who also foresaw the dangers and sought to provide protection."

(Some of you people aren't getting the message!)

("Hey, whatta ya cuttin' out?" queries Sally. "Nut'n," chuckles Joe.)

Police in Bushwick and Bedford-Stuyvesant are on the trail of an apparent pyromaniac, who set four fires in cellars in those sections. Police say each fire was started by the tossing of a match into piles of rubbish between the hours of 1 and 3:15 AM, in apartment houses spread over a four square block radius. In each case the fires were extinguished so quickly that most tenants in the buildings were unaware of the fires until after the fire department had arrived.

Nearly 4500 gasoline ration books were stolen by burglars in two recent robberies in Washington DC, and the Office of Price Administration has released to all law enforcement agencies and gasoline retailers a list of the serial numbers of the stolen books. All persons are reminded that possession of "hot" ration books is a Federal crime, punishable by five years imprisonment and a $10,000 fine.

Umpire-slugger Frank Germano was back in court today, to be found guilty of disorderly conduct as a result of an incident aboard a BMT subway train early on the morning of August 1st. The 22-year-old Germano, of 128 33rd Street, and
Anthony Petragola of 469 36th Street, were charged by Patrolman Boris Pekerow of the Transit Police with attempting to pick the pocket of a sleeping man while the train was stopped at the 95th Street station in the Fort Hamilton district. Germano came to public notice in September of 1940, when he tackled and rained punches on umpire George Magerkurth after a game at Ebbets Field during which a vital call had gone against the Dodgers. Although Magerkurth decided not to press charges in that incident, Germano, then aged 20, was remanded to the New York State Vocational School, from which he had been released on parole, to complete his sentence. Germano and Petragola will be sentenced for their current conviction on Friday.

(Hold that head up higher, Mickey, you got nothing to be ashamed of. Casey, on the other hand...)

(Ripped From The Headlines...)

(That's what you get for taking plastic surgery recommendations from Mama DeStross.)

(Someone has never actually seen ju-jitsu.)

("Give me another hour or so and I'll be ready to eat again. Meanwhile, keep scratching my neck, right therrrrrrrrrrrre....)

 

[LizzieMaine]

And in the Daily News...

Oh, and you're gonna have to lose the moustache.

"Whattaya mean I can't buy a hot dog? What's a tea kettle woith?"

Little does Tiger realize that Mr. Chance is a shrewd and shifty car thief.

Plucky little Annie, America's sweetheart.

"Wait, a penguin's a bird, right? FLY FOR HELP, CLARICE!" "Seeza maboiks!" "Hey, why's she pointing at the water and flapping her flippers like that? What's that supposed to mean?" "Ahh, she's screwy. Boy, I sure am hungry. Wish we had some eggs."

"Easy for you to say, Ma -- it ain't your candy!"

Hey kids! Comics!

"What, you wanna be a nurse too?"

The Doctor Came C. O. D.

"Oh, and look -- he threw in a bundle of ration books. Huh, consecutive serial numbers, how about that!"

 

[Fading Fast]

(There's Always A Brooklyn Angle! Keep 'em flying, Meyer Levin! Meanwhile, Sally slaps the paper down on the table and frowns a monumental frown. "I TOL' YA! 'At LAN'LAWD! No sand inna pails! No stirrup pumps! No lantrins!! What if we get bombed? Huh? We should put outta fieh wit' what, a baby bot'l?? 'Ats it, we gotta move t' Flatbush!" "What?" gawps Joe. "Wit'allem shootouts????")
...

Joe tucked that shooting, when it happened, in his hip pocket just for a conversation like this.

...

(Mr. Woolley is determined to avoid typecasting. And I don't know about the rest of yez, but I'm off to the Albee.)
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I'd be right there with you at the Albee: Cooper followed by classic Fred and Ginger, it doesn't get much better than that.

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(Some of you people aren't getting the message!)
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We were still living with even more-severe wartime phone restrictions in my house growing up in the 1970s. There was simply no emergency big enough that would ever allow me to call long distance. My dad took all the decisioning angst off the table.

...

(That's what you get for taking plastic surgery recommendations from Mama DeStross.)
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There are only two options with plastic surgery, pay up for the good doctor or don't do it. Plastic surgery is not the time to be looking for "value pricing."

And in the Daily News...

Oh, and you're gonna have to lose the moustache.
...

Nah, the two-carat ring buys him a free pass on the mustache.

Plucky little Annie, America's sweetheart.
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That's chilling. She's got some ice water running through those veins. She's not at all wrong, but still, that's cold.

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Hey kids! Comics!
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Snipe has figured out what she wants out of life and doesn't give a hoot what others think. Good for her.

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The Doctor Came C. O. D.
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"I know a bank we could tunnel into."

 

[LizzieMaine]

(Now get busy, those dishes won't wash themselves.)

Mobs burned four railway stations as disorders spread across southern India today. A fifth station was threatened by angry crowds of demonstrators at the town of Nauslipatan, but the rioters were dispersed by police charging into the mob with batons, and soldiers were placed to patrol the rail line. In an outbreak at Guntur, two persons were killed and six injured when police opened fire on pro-independence rioters who were pelting them with stones. At Karaikudi, a mob stormed the jail in an attempt to release a man who had been arrested in demonstrations, but police fired on the crowd, killing one and wounding six. It was also reported that telegraph and telephone wires have been cut at some points across the sector. Authorities were said to believe that demonstrations are "lessening" across India, although the latest tabulations from Dehli indicated that 40 persons have been killed and 55 injured over the past two days/

Japan claimed today that it has sunk 25 Allied warships, including nine American cruisers, so far in the battle for the Solomon Islands, and to have shot down 58 American planes. Japanese reports further claimed that Japan's losses have been two cruisers slightly damaged, and 21 planes -- all of which power-dived into targets in suicide attacks.

Workers and executives at the Sperry Gyroscope Company will be feted Sunday for excellence in war production, in exercises Sunday at Madison Square Garden. Rear Admiral Clark H. Woodward, Retired, the former commandant of the Brooklyn Navy Yard, will present the Army-Navy "E" pennant to Sperry president R. E. Gillmor, with pins to be presented to Louis Malkovsky, vice president for manufacturing, and to an employee representative.

("Aw, I dowanna go t' t'is t'ing," moans Joe. "I stan' on my feet awl night long woikin'nem machines, an' now t'ey wan' I should go awlaway upta Madison Squeah Gawden, an' do EXEHCISES! I ask ya!" "Nah," replies Sally, "it ain'nat kin'a exehcises. On'y t'ing gets exehcised izza jawrbones'a t'em 'zeckatives an'nem people. Y'otta go, whattaya got ta lose? Maybe t'ey give ya a pin a'sump'n." "I guess," sighs Joe. "Ratteh go t't bawlgame t'ough. At leas' I won' fawl asleep. Hey, ya t'ink t'beeh stan's gonna be op'n?")

("A former concert singer" = sings 'Come Come I Love You Only' every year at the NYCFWC Ball at the Hotel Lexington.)

In Detroit, the 43-year-old playboy heir to the Dodge Brothers automobile fortune died last night from a cerebral hemorrhage moments after he was arrested by police for attempting to break into a woman's bedroom. John Duval Dodge once possessed a $1,700,000 inheritance but died in a public hospital after police arrested him outside the residence of 32-year-old Mignon Fontaine, after a neighbor reported sighting a man attempting to force open Miss Fontaine's bedroom window. Before collapsing, Dodge told police that he and his wife, Mrs. Dora Kline MacDonald Dodge, had quarreled after she found him drinking with Mrs. Fontaine during a party at the house where Mrs. Fontaine was a roomer. Mrs. Dodge left after a scuffle, and Mrs. Fontaine fled to her bedroom.

(Can't watch "Bambi." Just can't. And the best thing about "The Magnificent Ambersons" is getting to see Dolores Costello, John Barrymore's most prominent ex -- sorry, Elaine -- proving that she does not, in fact, despite what Vitaphone did to her in 1928, lisp.)

Reader D. S. Voorhees writes in to say he is in full agreement with all the complaints about ballplaying in the street, and hopes that something can be done about it. "I had over nine years of it in my street," he grumbles, "and neither the police nor the Board of Health did anything about it, and my poor sick wife had to endure that noise two or three hours every day."

(I've warned you before, Lichty -- stay out of my back yard!)

Motorists in the eastern gasoline rationing region are warned that they will not be permitted to purchase gasoline after August 30th -- even with a valid ration book -- if they do not display an OPA-issued sticker showing their ration category on the windshield of their vehicle. As of that date, dealers will be forbidden by law to dispense gasoline to any motorist not displaying the required sticker.

Umpire-buster Frank Germano will serve thirty days in the city jail for "placing his hand near the pocket" of a sleeping passenger aboard a BMT train early on the morning of August 1st. The 22-year-old Germano and 26-year old Anthony Petragola were found guilty of disorderly conduct this week in Brooklyn Felony Court. Petragola drew a sentence of sixty days at Riker's Island for "acting as a lookout" in the incident.

(That looks nothing like Pee Wee. And why do all these guys have Andy Gump chins? And before MacPhail runs off and joins the Army, he at least ought to donate the Kaiser's ash tray to the scrap metal drive.)

(America's Biggest Small Town.)

("This would be a lot easier if I had some help. A smart teenager, maybe. And a wily little houseboy. And maybe a seven-foot-tall bruiser with his tongue cut out. I suppose it's too much to ask for a deadly Eurasian woman with an army of followers. Hell, I'd even settle for a fat Cockney sailor with a big red beard.")

(Better hurry, you don't want all that food at the reception to go to waste.)

("Clumb?" Pinson is clearly a "Pick and Pat" fan.)

(Guess who's not going to get much sleep tonight.)

 

[LizzieMaine]

And in the Daily News...

The word "failson" will not be coined for another 70 years, but it certainly applies to Mr. John Duval Dodge.

"PS -- You Jerk!"

Growing up around Punjab and the Asp, a kid learns to keep her trap shut.

"Double or Nothing" is a radio quiz show. Not -- uh -- something else.

"Now all you men -- TENNNNNN HUT!!"

Some undercover man.

"S--s--seeza m-m-maboiks???"

Everything moves quicker in wartime.

Mamie doesn't wear pointy-toe shoes, so it's a little worrying what's actually happening here.

"Um...I spilled a gallon of syrup in the cellar, but don't worry, I think I cleaned it up.."

 

[Fading Fast]

...

Japan claimed today that it has sunk 25 Allied warships, including nine American cruisers, so far in the battle for the Solomon Islands, and to have shot down 58 American planes. Japanese reports further claimed that Japan's losses have been two cruisers slightly damaged, and 21 planes -- all of which power-dived into targets in suicide attacks.
...

Apparently, the US media hadn't yet started calling them kamikaze attacks, but whatever they are called, they struck fear into the hearts of sailors.

...

Workers and executives at the Sperry Gyroscope Company will be feted Sunday for excellence in war production, in exercises Sunday at Madison Square Garden. Rear Admiral Clark H. Woodward, Retired, the former commandant of the Brooklyn Navy Yard, will present the Army-Navy "E" pennant to Sperry president R. E. Gillmor, with pins to be presented to Louis Malkovsky, vice president for manufacturing, and to an employee representative.

("Aw, I dowanna go t' t'is t'ing," moans Joe. "I stan' on my feet awl night long woikin'nem machines, an' now t'ey wan' I should go awlaway upta Madison Squeah Gawden, an' do EXEHCISES! I ask ya!" "Nah," replies Sally, "it ain'nat kin'a exehcises. On'y t'ing gets exehcised izza jawrbones'a t'em 'zeckatives an'nem people. Y'otta go, whattaya got ta lose? Maybe t'ey give ya a pin a'sump'n." "I guess," sighs Joe. "Ratteh go t't bawlgame t'ough. At leas' I won' fawl asleep. Hey, ya t'ink t'beeh stan's gonna be op'n?")
...

I'm with Joe, company rah-rah events are boring and embarrassing. A ballgame is a much better idea.

...

In Detroit, the 43-year-old playboy heir to the Dodge Brothers automobile fortune died last night from a cerebral hemorrhage moments after he was arrested by police for attempting to break into a woman's bedroom. John Duval Dodge once possessed a $1,700,000 inheritance but died in a public hospital after police arrested him outside the residence of 32-year-old Mignon Fontaine, after a neighbor reported sighting a man attempting to force open Miss Fontaine's bedroom window. Before collapsing, Dodge told police that he and his wife, Mrs. Dora Kline MacDonald Dodge, had quarreled after she found him drinking with Mrs. Fontaine during a party at the house where Mrs. Fontaine was a roomer. Mrs. Dodge left after a scuffle, and Mrs. Fontaine fled to her bedroom.
...

Whatever Detroit's equivalent to "Page Four" is, it should be quite busy today.

...

Umpire-buster Frank Germano will serve thirty days in the city jail for "placing his hand near the pocket" of a sleeping passenger aboard a BMT train early on the morning of August 1st. The 22-year-old Germano and 26-year old Anthony Petragola were found guilty of disorderly conduct this week in Brooklyn Felony Court. Petragola drew a sentence of sixty days at Riker's Island for "acting as a lookout" in the incident.
,,,

It seems unfair to get a longer sentence as just the lookout.

...

("This would be a lot easier if I had some help. A smart teenager, maybe. And a wily little houseboy. And maybe a seven-foot-tall bruiser with his tongue cut out. I suppose it's too much to ask for a deadly Eurasian woman with an army of followers. Hell, I'd even settle for a fat Cockney sailor with a big red beard.")
...

"Sorry, we called around, but the only name that's quietly looking for a new gig is a not-too-bright, fat, bumbling sidekick detective who smokes smelly cigars and wears loud, ill-fitted suits. And he's only available because he seems to be on the outs with the new writer."

And in the Daily News...

The word "failson" will not be coined for another 70 years, but it certainly applies to Mr. John Duval Dodge.
...

I couldn't get my math to match Page Four's, but the story about the drug-store bookie could not be more 1942 zeitgeist.

Dodge is just another example of how being born to money can often be a curse. I know, you'd still like to try - I would too - but objectively, it really does mess up a lot of kids.

...

Growing up around Punjab and the Asp, a kid learns to keep her trap shut.
...

I'm skeptical of the modern view that practically every time a kid simply sees, not even experiences, a traumatic event, he/she needs professional counseling, but if ever a kid needs some, Annie does.

...

Some undercover man.
...

That is an incredibly amateurish mistake for Tracy to make.

But let's focus for a moment on the bad boss 1942 style moment of "Get out on that mower and shut up." I worked for a guy like that in the 1980s, but since the 1990s and the rise of HR, bosses have to play nicer on the surface. Yet they can still be the same jerks underneath. You can't policy away human nature.

...

"S--s--seeza m-m-maboiks???"
...

Clarissa's no fool, our usually "Seeza Maboiks!" squawkin' penguin has gotten awfully quiet these past few days.

 

[ChiTownScion]

He "fell during police questioning." That always arouses suspicion, especially when this poor fool ends up dying as result of said "fall."

I looked up the backstory. It seems that he was taken into custody after he allegedly assaulted a cop who responded to the scene. Since part of the story includes the allegation of an assault on a cop, I'm even more suspicious. There are good reasons why we video record police interrogations now-- and why we should video record all of them.

Dodging the Law

It’s not often that you come across a photograph of a policeman looking amused while escorting a prisoner, so the expression on the face of the burly cop caught my eye. The prisoner — the guy in th…

capturedandexposed.com

 

[LizzieMaine]

(There seems to be a sudden epidemic of infant celiac disease. Maybe somebody should look into that. After they find the bananas, of course.)

Police and the fire department are stepping up their search for a pyromaniac in the Bedford-Stuyvesant/Bushwick area after a second wave of fires claimed the life of a 65-year-old woman. Maude Lanning was killed in a fire at a rooming house at 517 Monroe Street early this morning, one of a series of four fires set in the section early today, following four previous and similar fires on Thursday. Burnt matches were found at the edges of three of the fires this morning, all of which were set in piles of rubbish in basements, but the fourth, fatal fire at Monroe Street appears to have begun in a second-floor hallway of the three-story brick building.

Salvage work aboard the former French luxury liner Normandie is reported to be proceeding faster than anticipated, according to the supervisor of salvage activities. Commander W. A. Sullivan stated today that the superstructure and all interior furnishings of the liner, damaged by fire last year, have been stripped out, and all that remains of the interior of the original ship are the steel decks and supporting stanchions. The vessel, renamed the Lafayette, still presents a grotesque appearance, lying on its side in the mud, and the next phase of the work on the ship will see the installation of new bulkheads that will strengthen it sufficiently to pull it back upright. It is reported that "quite a bit" of usable steel and rubber have been salvaged from the ship to be sent away for reclamation. Usable furnishings and equipment have been turned over to the Navy for reissue.

("Blithe Spirit?" "LIfe With Father?" Wouldn't the boys rather see "Star and Garter?")

All employees of the six plants of the Sperry Gyroscope Company are expected to attend tomorrow's ceremonies at Madison Square Garden celebrating the company's receiving of the Army-Navy "E" pennant for excellence in war production. All employees will receive "E" pins in recognition of their work, with families and friends of workers also to be in attendance.

("Izzis tie awright to weah t't'is t'ing tomorra?" queries Joe. "Solly give it to me when he wen'inna Awrmy. He says it's han' painted." "'At ain' paint," eyerolls Sally. "'At's gravy." "We gotta bring Leonora," says Joe. "I wan'neh t'see me gettin' a pin. Me, right up t'eah wit' ol' man Gillmowr!" "Bum!" interjects Leonora. "Maybe we otta leave her witcha ma," sighs Joe.)

(The "Lambert Cure" involved treatment of the patient with various drugs, including belladonna -- which induced fearful hallucinations, among other side effects. Even Dr. Lambert himself eventually disavowed the treatment.)

The Eagle Editorialist insists that something must be done to resolve the present "tin can chaos," especially since, with Malaya now in the hands of Japan, there won't be any more tin.

(Why not go all the way with this, and put Gladys Goodding and her organ on the back of a truck.)

(Well, he's not wrong.)

(Tsk, Mr. Camilli is putting on a bit of weight. And it would appear that Laughing Larry is heading for some kind of breakdown. Obviously the "Lambert Cure" didn't work.)

Film star James Cagney will compete against against a professional harness-racing driver and a Virginia clubwoman in a bond-selling run at Roosevelt Raceway in Westbury, L. I. this afternoon. Cagney, who is an experienced sulkyman, will drive Wachtung, owned by Joseph Scalera of Dill Stables, against Samorand, owned and driven by Mrs. L. M. "Nellie" Applegate of St. Stephens, Virginia, and professional driver Warren Holmes and his horse Canterbury.

(They'd like you better if you smiled more.)

(WELL NOW! Sparky Watts made it out of that submarine after all!)

("The Owl Trick" -- cabbie slang for the nighthawk run.)

(Hope you like sauerbraten.)

 

[LizzieMaine]

And in the Daily News...

Well what's wrong with just plain "Jinx?" And strange panties in the washing is getting off easy. Louie should get chased around by an angry dancing matador.

"Suddenly threw himself backward." Hm.

"Abooooooooout FACE! Oh, I've been WAITING for this!"

"Yes, I really AM Tracy. Here, let me show you my coat lab...uh oh."

"It's AXEL!! He always throws kids off ships!"

Awwwwwwww.

Despite whatever personal tragedy, the inviolable code of the stage is and will always be "the show must go on." Seeza maboiks!

You know, you really didn't *have to* tell him.

A good boss always puts the workers first.

 

[Fading Fast]

(There seems to be a sudden epidemic of infant celiac disease. Maybe somebody should look into that. After they find the bananas, of course.)
...

Maybe the Marines used one of those new secret submarine aircraft carries in their invasion of the Solomons. Rumor has it, a girl was seen and then not seen handing over plans for a secret weapon to the Commander of the Marines in Washington.

...


("Blithe Spirit?" "LIfe With Father?" Wouldn't the boys rather see "Star and Garter?")
...

Nah, that would only get the boys all hot and bothered to, then, sadly discover, as Commissioner Valentine has sworn, there are no cat houses in the city for the boys to, um, uh, well, work off all that energy. The best option is the ballgame at Ebbets Field. Heck, we know the umpires are safe from personal attack for the next thirty days.

...

(WELL NOW! Sparky Watts made it out of that submarine after all!)
...

Well, Sparky's gonna have to learn the phrase, "I'll keep the meter running," if he wants to make it in his new profession.

And in the Daily News...

Well what's wrong with just plain "Jinx?" And strange panties in the washing is getting off easy. Louie should get chased around by an angry dancing matador.
...

When you're mixing your mistress' panties in with your wife's laundry you are no longer trying hard to keep your affair a secret. And ew!

Kudos to our Jinx for trying to do a "Cher" long before Cher.

"Name?"
"Jinx"
"Full name?"
"Jinx"
[Sigh]"First name?"
"Jinx"
"Last name?"
"Jinx"
[Sigh] "Your name is 'Jinx Jinx'?"
"No, just 'Jinx.'"
"Your name is 'Just Jinx'?"
"No, it's 'Jinx,' just, 'Jinx'."
"So, 'Just' is your middle name?"
Wash, rinse, repeat.

It's funnier when Abbott and Costello do it.

...

Despite whatever personal tragedy, the inviolable code of the stage is and will always be "the show must go on." Seeza maboiks!
...

"I say it's spinach, and I say to hell with it." - E. B. White

 

[Farace]

("The Owl Trick" -- cabbie slang for the nighthawk run.)

At the trolley museum where I volunteer, there is one car that ran the night hours in New Haven, making the rounds between the restaurants, bars, and clubs, and it was known as The Owl. It was modified to have a concrete floor so it could be easily hosed out at the end of its shift.

 

[LizzieMaine]

(I'll be glad when this is convention is over, but I will say that if Mead wins, Mr. Schroth will have a coronary. It's never been difficult to see which side of the race the Eagle stands on. Meanwhile, the gun was "found on the piano?" But Gambalo says he doesn't even own a gun? And now nobody can find the gun? Um. Yeah. And finally, with all the phonies we've seen parading around in Navy uniforms, yeah, maybe licensing their retail sale might be a good idea.)

The Allies are expected to convert Tulagi to a "strongly protected jumping-off place" for major attacks on Japan, it was reported tonight in Australian dispatches which indicated that American Marines have completed their conquest of that vital island in the Solomons. Inferring that the Marines now control Tulagi's big harbor, and its airdrome, the Sydney Evening Star reported that while ferocious fighting continues on the surrounding islands, Tulagi itself is now a "center of Allied activity."

President Roosevelt may soon use his wartime executive powers to stabilize wages and prices in order to combat inflation. Such action would forestall long Congressional debate over such measures, and close advisors of the President believe that he would take as his model the recent rulings by the War Labor Board concerning wage demands in the Little Steel industry. In that case, the WLB ruled as inflationary any wage increases that brought salaries to levels higher than those paid in January of 1941, based on government figures indicating that the cost of living has increased by fifteen percent since that date. White House Press Secretary Stephen Early stressed that their can be no final action until the President completes his study of various anti-inflation proposals, and was noncommittal on suggestions that the President may recommend the formation of a new government agency to determine the broad policy that would govern the drive to combat inflation.

The Germans are reported to be rushing aerial reinforcements to the western desert tonight to meet the threat of US Army Air Force pilots who are believed to have shot down a Nazi Messerschmitt in their first battle over the Egyptian front. Major Claremont Wheeler of San Jose, California, was reported to be the first American flier to fire on a Messerschmitt fighter, but 2nd Lt. Jack Wilson of Benton, Washington was reported to be the first pilot to actually engage a Messerschmitt in a dogfight, and it was further reported that the German plane was so badly damaged it had to be considered a probable loss.

Dodger President Larry MacPhail has asked Mayor LaGuardia to step in and solve a quarrel over the scheduling of a Dodger-Giant doubleheader at Ebbets Field on August 23rd in direct competition against a twinbill at Yankee Stadium between the Yankees and the Washington Senators, the latter doubleheader to be played for the benefit of Army-Navy Relief. The Yankees have asked the Dodgers and Giants to reschedule their games in view of the patriotic purpose of the Bronx twinbill, but Dodger and Giant management have resisted that suggestion. Both MacPhail and Giants president Horace Stoneham have indicated that they would go along with any ruling made by the Mayor in the case, and the Mayor has indicated that he will talk to Yankees general manager Ed Barrow tomorrow to determine if the Yanks will also accept his decision as an arbitrator in the case.

A Federal Savings and Loan Association for Negro residents of the Bedford-Stuyvesant section has been proposed as the first step toward the rehabilitation of that "somewhat run-down neighborhood." Municipal Court Justice Nathan Sweedler offered the idea yesterday with the support of civic, church, and political leaders from the section, noting that with such financial backing available, residents would be stimulated to buy their own homes, to make repairs on homes already owned, and to begin stable business enterprises. Among the civic leaders endorsing the plan are City Council President Newbold Morris and Brooklyn Eagle publisher Frank D. Schroth.

("HEY!" blurts Joe. "It's SOLLY!! Lookit, Sal -- t'is guy drinkin' tea wit' t' captain! Ain'nat SOLLY?? He's gonna be in a SHOW!" "Aw," replies Sally, "what kinda act can he do? Hey now, he ain' gonna do t'at t'ing he done yeah befoeh las' innat Crown Pickle Woiks Follies mess, is he?" "Whattaya mean mess?" retorts Joe. "At' was t'bes' impoissonation o' Gypsy Rose Lee anybody eveh seen!" "It was OK," eyerolls Sally. "But he took t' stripteasin' too fah.")

Reader Hattie F. Sudlow writes in to demand that something be done to make it easier to get birth certificates, especially for people like herself, born more than thirty years ago, before it was compulsory for births to be registered. "My own experience was most unpleasant," declares Miss Sudlow. "Many papers were demanded, involving time and expense, and then I was told I didn't need them."

(Oh, that Compact Muscular Frame!)

Two unsung heroes at Ebbets Field are Joe Corrigan and Leon McCormack -- who toil not on the field but inside the big scoreboard on the right field wall. Corrigan handles the posting of the balls, strikes, and outs, exposing the numbers by pulling a series of sashweights suspended from ropes while peeping out at the game thru a wooden slit, and he is proud of the fact that he can usually call the balls and strikes even before the umpire does. McCormack, meanwhile, is busy posting the scores of all out-of-town National League games, receiving updates by a two-way loudspeaker connected to the press box. It can be brutally hot inside the scoreboard, and the two men work games during the summer dog days while stripped to the waist. But during the football season, you'll often find them bundled up like Eskimos. The most unforgettable incident inside the board happened a while back when an opposing hitter lofted a hard fly ball that went directly thru Corrigan's peephole, leaving right fielder Dixie Walker to gaze in puzzlement at what to do. Corrigan admits he could have grabbed the ball and shoved it back out the slit, letting Dixie field it as though it had bounced off the board, but he didn't -- and the hit went for a home run. It didn't matter, he laughs -- the Dodgers won anyway. Corrigan adds that he enjoys heckling opposing players from inside the board -- especially Enos Slaughter of the Cardinals. Once he yelled out his slot at Slaughter, telling him that the Cardinals pitching was punk, and the outfielder "got mad" when he couldn't tell where the voice was coming from.

Old Timer Morris B. Stonehouse writes in to remember that he was in the audience during the famous Brooklyn Theatre fire of December 6, 1876, watching Kate Claxton performing in "The Two Orphans." "George Green and I had seats in the orchestra when the fire broke out in the wings and the curtain fell to the stage floor in flames. A stampede took place in the gallery and as we were trying to get out to the doorway, the gallery fell. I managed to get out a window, and my friend George was ready to follow me until he went back to get his overcoat. I never saw him again. As I jumped to the ground a policeman hit me in the head with his club for climbing out the window, and I was taken to the station house on Tilbury Street. I spent a week in bed as a result of the blow. The falling of the gallery blocked the entrance, and that is why so many burned to death."

("Mad Dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.")

Gloria Swanson, screen comedienne of the upturned nose and the distinctive flair for clothes, will star at the Flatbush Theatre next week in George Kelly's comedy "Reflected Glory." Seven years ago, you will recall, Miss Swanson walked away from a screen career which at its peak paid her $35,000 a week, and became a dealer in plasticware. But last year, she made a triumphant return to films opposite Adolphe Menjou in "Father Takes A Wife." Now, she is making her first stab at the legitimate stage in the touring production of "Reflected Glory," in a role made famous on Broadway by Tallulah Bankhead, and has drawn record-breaking attendance wherever she has played. She is also, she admits, working harder than she ever has in her life to put the play over.

(Please welcome our special guest star today, Mr. Eric Blore.)

(Better check in regular with your surgeon, Dolfy. You know what happens if you don't!)

(This is what happens when Amen isn't around.)

(And we see the famous Bushmiller surrealism at work.)

(Ice cream's bloating on a hot day anyway. And never mind all this plot recapitualtion -- where'd Irwin go?)

(And the worst of it is, you should see Pete DePaolo's insurance premiums.)

 

[LizzieMaine]

And in the Daily News...

I'd forgotten all about this Bartram-Compton case, and am surprised it's still going on. He is, you may recall, the fellow whose hobby is taking portraits of himself dressed up in wedding gowns.

"Has to do the best she can with 14 and 15 year old local talent." Oh my.

Point of order: Tracy is a city cop. What jurisdiction does he even have here? Never mind the carbon monoxide, it's Internal Affairs you gotta worry about!

Immigration authorities? Never heard of 'em!

And let that be a lesson to everyone: NEVER LEAVE A GUN IN EASY REACH OF A CHIMP.

HAH! Those short-throw movie projectors are great!

Panel Two: Taffy is Burma's kid sister CONFIRMED.

Seriously, kid, you shouldn't be taking romantic advice from any of the boys around this town.

"That's it, I'm seeing a lawyer in the morning."

Yeah yeah, but get a load of Harry Gumbert pitching for the Cardinals. The nose is unmistakable.

 

[Fading Fast]

...

Dodger President Larry MacPhail has asked Mayor LaGuardia to step in and solve a quarrel over the scheduling of a Dodger-Giant doubleheader at Ebbets Field on August 23rd in direct competition against a twinbill at Yankee Stadium between the Yankees and the Washington Senators, the latter doubleheader to be played for the benefit of Army-Navy Relief. The Yankees have asked the Dodgers and Giants to reschedule their games in view of the patriotic purpose of the Bronx twinbill, but Dodger and Giant management have resisted that suggestion. Both MacPhail and Giants president Horace Stoneham have indicated that they would go along with any ruling made by the Mayor in the case, and the Mayor has indicated that he will talk to Yankees general manager Ed Barrow tomorrow to determine if the Yanks will also accept his decision as an arbitrator in the case.
...

Really, you need to tie up the Mayor's times with this nonsense? As written, MacPhail's being a jerk, move your games.

...

(Ice cream's bloating on a hot day anyway. And never mind all this plot recapitualtion -- where'd Irwin go?)
...

You remember, Irwin's trying to set up an interview at "Mary Worth," since he hates the new writer at "Dan Dunn." He's called in sick the past few days to work on his resume.

And in the Daily News...

I'd forgotten all about this Bartram-Compton case, and am surprised it's still going on. He is, you may recall, the fellow whose hobby is taking portraits of himself dressed up in wedding gowns.
...

Nothing in the rest of the story aligns with the wedding-gown fetish. Some people defy profiling.

...

Point of order: Tracy is a city cop. What jurisdiction does he even have here? Never mind the carbon monoxide, it's Internal Affairs you gotta worry about!
...

"It's bad enough that I have to go through life with this stupid name, so at least get your grubby hand off my dumb frizzy hair."

...

Immigration authorities? Never heard of 'em!
....

"Bo would have jumped in, paddled out and rescue the boy himself. I guess that's why he has his own strip."

"Shut up, I had just shampooed and blowed dried my fur."

 

[LizzieMaine]

(Ahhhhh Babs. They're not gonna put up with that stuff in the Heights, you know. Maybe she can get a job working in MacPhail's office.)

British light naval forces supported by shore batteries destroyed at least one and probably two German outpost boats and badly damaged two others in a night battle in the fog-shrouded straits of Dover, the Admiralty announced today. During the battle residents along the English channel coast heard deep rumbles indicating that German long-range artillery batteries between Calais and Boulogne had gone into action, firing a barrage of about 20 shells over a 10 minute period.

A 36-year-old policeman shot himself to death early today outside his home at 9720 Kings Highway. Patrolman Abraham Goldstien of the 4th Ave. Precinct, a twelve-year veteran of the force, was dressed in civilian clothes when he shot himself in the head with his service revolver. Beside the body was left a note reading "to my Undertaker -- for God's sake, please bury me Wednesday at 10 AM. I am drinking to have plenty of nerve." Goldstien, who was married and had two sons and a daughter, had a good record with the Police Department, and his wife told investigators he had no reason to kill himself. On January 30th of this year, the couple's five-year-old son shot himself in the arm while playing with his father's gun.

("Say bud," grins Joe, holding out his lapel to a hangdog-faced stranger as the BMT train rattles into the Montague Street Tunnel. "How 'bout t'is pin? See t'at? At's a 'E' pin right t'eah!" "He can't see nut'n innis light, Joe," sighs Sally, as she has been doing ever since the train rolled out of 49th Street. "At's swell, bub," growls the stranger. "Wyncha siddown an' sleep it off." "Nah," chuckles Joe. "Y'ain' gettin' ME! I know all about'tat pickpocket stuff!")

A bronze plaque in memory of Sara Delano Roosevelt, mother of the President was removed from a 37-foot flagpole in the park bearing her name, by order of Parks Commissioner Robert Moses, who declared that the plaque had not received the required approval from the Municipal Art Commission. Police patrolmen pried the plaque off its base just minutes before the dedication ceremonies for the monument were to begin. Chairman Harry H. Schlacht of the Roosevelt Memorial Park dedicatory committee attempted to "abash the policemen" from completing their task by flourishing a letter from the President congratulating the city on the new park. As police carried the plaque away, rain began, washing out the rest of the ceremonies.

(Somewhere in Brooklyn, a soothsayer gazes into his crystal ball and sees a disturbing vision. He sees the offices of the Brooklyn Eagle locked and empty. He sees Loeser's and Namm's strung with GOING OUT OF BUSINESS banners. He sees wreckers reducing Ebbets Field to rubble. And he sees the Raymond Street Jail still standing. The soothsayer switches off his crystal ball, takes a sip of beer, and wonders if he should find another racket.)

("All right, but only if I get to sit on your lap.")

A Brownsville man thanked police today for arresting his wife and eleven other women during a raid on a poker game at the home of Mrs. Sadie Lapidus at 17 Tapscott Street.
Mrs. Barney Liebowitz was among the dozen lady gamblers taken in the raid, and Mr. Liebowitz congratulated the police on their work. "I'm glad to hear about it," he declared. "I've told her time after time to cut it out. I'm a night worker and I just got home. I wondered where the hell she was. I'm going back to bed and wait till she gets home and tries to explain this one! Oh boy!" Mrs. Liebowitz and ten other women were given suspended sentences by Magistrate Abner Surpless in Brooklyn Weekend Court, while Mrs. Lapidus was paroled in the custody of her husband Meyer pending an appearance next Monday in East New York Court on charges of maintaining a gambling house.

In Westfield, New Jersey, a 21-year-old man killed a four-foot-long alligator he encountered lying on the bank of Lake MIndowaskin. The creature slipped into the water as Raymond Miller approached, but Miller threw two stones at the reptile, hitting it on the head and killing it. Miller told police he plans to have the carcass stuffed as a souvenir.

("I don't know anything about it!" insists Captain Leland Stanford MacPhail, USAR Retired. "Uh, sir," interrupts Mr. John McDonald. "The tailor is here to measure you for your uniform..." "Shut up John, I'm talking to the Eagle." "Yes sir. I'll have him wait outside.")

(With all these guys going in the service, why not offer him a contract?)

(Of course he's a lousy painter. He doesn't even look at the canvas.)

(Is one? Well, be sure to check his face first.)

("Deer Mary Worth Writer: I want to remine you again that I am abul and willin to work, efectiv immidiately. I think I wud be a good worker in your comic, because I would make Bill Biff look like he is smart. We could be a team like Abbit and Costella. Let me har from you soon. Gallopin gold Fish, Detectif Irwin Higgs.")

(Starring role, name in the title, all the meals he can eat. It pays to have a good agent.)