The Decline of Marriage in the United States

[Honey Doll]

I'm happily married with two children. Life has its ups and downs and that ultimately is what makes it interesting and rewarding married or not. I believe in marriage and I am a romantic-- I would like to see everyone have their own "happily ever after".

That being said, I believe from my own personal experience that women today often educate themselves out of the potential of being a housewife. We are told today we can be anything we want to be and have opportunities our grandmothers never dreamed of. I would have liked to have been a stay at home mom. The plain truth of the matter is that I am the primary wage earner and cannot send my husband off to work while I stay home and he simply does not have the inclination to be a stay at home dad.

Honey Doll

 

[Viola]

I think the magic of a proposal can do something to you. I mean, I've only ever heard that once but despite the reason he was saying it (In the middle of me breaking up with him) it was still slightly magical at the same time I was all "WHAT?!"

I've never regretted saying no to him, though. I didn't want to be 18 and married to man with a drugs/alchohol problem and a sexual identity crisis.

It was too much pressure with all his issues (with me being the "good girl" who would "save him") and I bolted. I really don't even know if he meant it.

Viola

 

[mysterygal]

A danger to many marriages is that couples don't really fall in love; they fall in lust. And when that inevitably fades -- there's nothing left.

Another problem I see that goes along with this is that, the 'lust' fades as well. Couples become less and less passionate for each other. In marriage, everything should keep getting better. This however takes work and a bit of creativity, especially with being in a household of little children.

 

[Marc Chevalier]

Privacy, planning, lingerie (etc.), and imagination. Most of all, a positive attitude and a will to have fun.

.

 

[Maj.Nick Danger]

I think the magic of a proposal can do something to you. I mean, I've only ever heard that once but despite the reason he was saying it (In the middle of me breaking up with him) it was still slightly magical at the same time I was all "WHAT?!"

I've never regretted saying no to him, though. I didn't want to be 18 and married to man with a drugs/alchohol problem and a sexual identity crisis.

It was too much pressure with all his issues (with me being the "good girl" who would "save him") and I bolted. I really don't even know if he meant it.

Viola

You definately made the right decision and you dodged a bullet. It's an inevitable disaster to be involved with an alcoholic or drug addict. People with addictions are committed to the substance they are addicted too, and nothing or no one else.

 

[maintcoder]

Another problem I see that goes along with this is that, the 'lust' fades as well. Couples become less and less passionate for each other. In marriage, everything should keep getting better. This however takes work and a bit of creativity, especially with being in a household of little children.

I agree with you Mysterygal, but I have always been of the mindset that it takes 'effort' from both parties to make a relationship successful. That effort should include being creative and considerate - two aspects that I feel make or break relationships. Let's face it 'work' has a negative connotation to it...

 

[Section10]

2 most important things

In a successful marriage the woman must be assured that she is loved and the man must be assured that he is respected. If the wife stops respecting, the man stops loving. If the man stops loving, the wife stops respecting. Without these 2 ingredients, a marriage is on the rocks. With them, a marriage will work. Genuine love usually doesn't die of its own accord, but it can be killed. First and last, a marriage is a deliberate commitment between 2 people. Early on in our relationship my wife and I promised each other that whenever we got into a fight or an argument, we would never use the "divorce" word. We were both in it for the long haul and we've made it work. We are in a very stable relationship and its been a good one. If I could have any woman I wanted, I'd say I already have her.

 

[Marc Chevalier]

In a successful marriage the woman must be assured that she is loved and the man must be assured that he is respected. If the wife stops respecting, the man stops loving. If the man stops loving, the wife stops respecting.

Um ... mustn't the man also be assured that he is loved? And mustn't the woman also be assured that she is respected?


.

 

[Paisley]

That being said, I believe from my own personal experience that women today often educate themselves out of the potential of being a housewife. We are told today we can be anything we want to be and have opportunities our grandmothers never dreamed of. I would have liked to have been a stay at home mom. The plain truth of the matter is that I am the primary wage earner and cannot send my husband off to work while I stay home and he simply does not have the inclination to be a stay at home dad.

Honey Doll

The book Millionaire Women Next Door has a chapter called "Why Not Run the Family Office?" It's about stay-at-home moms who managed the family finances and, along with their husbands, built up quite a net worth.

There is also a chapter called "The High Price of Being Controlled," which examines the darker side of being a housewife: becoming financially and emotionally dependant on your husband. No matter how great a husband is, the wife has to have some self-reliance. What if her husband becomes seriously ill, loses his job, or decides to leave? You need a Plan B.

 

[skwerl-hat]

this is fascinating. society seems to have thrown out so much morally that once made it good. As a single guy this makes me leery of even thinking of persuing marriage or a family and all of that. What new kind of moral outrage is next going to be foisted on us.

does anyone here see a whole sale reversal of morals going back to more traditional in the future?

 

[hepkitten]

any couple (hetero) that live together for a certain length of time are considered common law married anyway.So it doesn't matter if one has the paper i suppose.If the law thinks you are married,then what else is there to say.

JD

Many states no longer recognize common-law marriage. Mine (Oregon) doesn't. Because of this, my boyfriend and I have had wills and other legal documents created that protect us in case of illness or death.

Someone else posted that marriage is a commitment, but living together is not. Given the divorce rate, I'd have to say the commitment level depends entirely on the individuals involved. We're 17 years and counting...longer than most marriages among people our age. It hasn't happened by accident.

This is a great discussion...and I have to say, I've never visited a forum before where a topic like this wouldn't have long since fallen into namecalling and flamethrowing. Kudos to all.

 

[LizzieMaine]

Um ... mustn't the man also be assured that he is loved? And mustn't the woman also be assured that she is respected?


.

Precisely what I was gonna say. As far as I'm concerned, in a relationship love and respect had better flow both ways.

 

[Lincsong]

When I was managing a car rental office I had to pick a customer up at her home. The name on the door was different than the customer's name. So I stopped at the stoop and double checked the address. A man about 78 came out and said; "you're at the right house, she's waiting for you. We're not married, we've just been living in sin for 22 years". lol (The lady was 81)lol

 

[Section10]

Precisely what I was gonna say. As far as I'm concerned, in a relationship love and respect had better flow both ways.

In a committed relationship they do flow both ways. These two ingredients don't exist at the exclusion of all the others, but they are foundational to all the others. if a man truly loves his wife, he will also respect her and if a woman truly respects her husband, she will love him as well.
Now, a woman can love a man she doesn't respect and a man can respect a woman he doesn't love, but that is not the formula for a successful marriage. With love and respect aimed in their proper directions, the chances of a good marriage are much greater.

 

[Nashoba]

For all intensive purposes I am a housewife. I run a modest business from my home and I handle ALL of our finances for the simple reason that I have to. I have a wonderful husband who is an excellent provider but I happen to agree with a plan b. My husband recently brought this up, since he's about to deploy again he wants to take out a secondary life-insurance policy in addition to the SGLI that the marine corps provides. To him, that's his plan B, he wants me taken care of. But for me, I also have a college degree and good job skills should the worst happen. I have a background that I could go back to work and provide for myself if I needed to. When we first got married there were a good many reasons why I didn't go back to work, but one of them was because I respected that he wanted to provide for me. It may be a bit old fashioned but he really didn't want me to have to work and he wanted me to be able to be home when we have children. Many would disagree with that but our friendship and relationship is based on our firm mutual love and respect for each other's views and I took that into consideration when I made my decision. And it was my decision. If I woke up tomorrow and told him I wanted to work he wouldn't stop me.
I have to say that I personally disagree with living together without being married. That is my own personal view based on my religious beliefs, but that is for me. I am responsible for my own decisions. But I know many people who live together without being married and they are perfectly happy and I respect that. I think it comes down to what you feel is best for you. I may not think that it's right but I respect other's right to use their own agency.
I just think it is a shame that there is a decline in marraige, because it can be a wonderful and rewarding venture. I think part of the reason for the high divorce rate is that people do not always take the time to build their relationships on firm strong foundations of friendship, love and respect. When one of these three elements breaks down, it almost always spells disater

 

[Hondo]

I congratulate all of you who have been married a while, they say unmarried couples out number married couples. I always wished I’d find the right girl and live happily ever after, but it wasn’t to be, lots of issues get in the way in today’s world, be it death, drugs, alcohol or lust, extramarital sex.
Relationships is a every day working thing to stay together. My last live-in girlfriend lasted 12 years, but because of alcohol (her) and probably not giving enough support to her, I let her go. It still pains me today.
You got to work hand in hand, every day to stay together, those of you in long marriages know that, lifes little lessons, stay strong.

 

[mysterygal]

I agree with you Mysterygal, but I have always been of the mindset that it takes 'effort' from both parties to make a relationship successful. That effort should include being creative and considerate - two aspects that I feel make or break relationships. Let's face it 'work' has a negative connotation to it...

Agree. the notion of 50-50 doesn't work since that mindset can bring about the problem of who's doing more, both people need to give 100%. But here's what I've also seen, one person may start getting upset because the other isn't doing something to meet their needs and after awhile, start getting angry at bitter about it. Usually, the other person really has no idea this is going on and thinks everythings all fine and dandy. If you see something that needs to change or you want a little more pizzaz in your marriage, YOU need to take the initiative. Don't start thinking you mate is a mind reader. If you want something...do it..more likely than not, your partner will be very appreciative and will start making the same effort.

 

[mysterygal]

Um ... mustn't the man also be assured that he is loved? And mustn't the woman also be assured that she is respected?


.

Good point!!!:eusa_clap Also, if you do read any books on women and men and how to communicate love (which I highly recommend), something to keep in mind is that sometimes women (like myself) are more emotionaly set up like a man and the same goes for men.

 

[maintcoder]

Agree. the notion of 50-50 doesn't work since that mindset can bring about the problem of who's doing more, both people need to give 100%. But here's what I've also seen, one person may start getting upset because the other isn't doing something to meet their needs and after awhile, start getting angry at bitter about it. Usually, the other person really has no idea this is going on and thinks everythings all fine and dandy. If you see something that needs to change or you want a little more pizzaz in your marriage, YOU need to take the initiative. Don't start thinking you mate is a mind reader. If you want something...do it..more likely than not, your partner will be very appreciative and will start making the same effort.

Very true. If both people have a strong desire to see to the other's needs first, then selfishness should never be a problem. I believe that selfishness (and its cousin, control) drive many marriages into divorce.

 

[Marc Chevalier]

See O. Henry's short story, "The Gift of the Magi", for reference and enlightenment.

.