Raising Children--Retro in a Modern World

[Lincsong]

There is another way for a kid to defend himself...with dignity. No, I've never been a little boy, but I had to deal with plenty of bullys back in grade school. I just let them have their say, and when their words didn't affect me, those bullys let me alone. Thank you, Mom, for teaching me well.

That's a dignified way to approach the situation and I can respect that. But sometimes a little "right back at you" shock saves other, more sensitive children the anguish of having to deal with the bully.

 

[topcat]

Well now we're into the area of how to deal with bullies. Which is arrogance
in a child taken to an extreme and "blossoming".

Before discussing how to handle the bully, where the hell does the bully get
the idea he has the right to run his stinkin' mouth in your face to begin with?
That MUST be taken into consideration before thinking of a solution.
Society is so desensitized to the arrogance of human nature,everybody
just kind of shrugs their shoulders, "oh, well there's always gonna be bullies,
nothing you can do about it, just let them say what they want,blah,blah.."

You must pause and realize BULLYING IS OUTRAGEOUS AND INTOLERABLE.
IT IS INDEFENSABLE. A student is at school to learn, NOT to be bullied.
Why today you would be led to think bullying is a regular part of the
ciricullum.

Where the hell does another human being get off pushing someone else around? Especially someone weaker who can't stand up to them.
THAT MINDSET NEEDS TO BE DESTROYED.

It all depends on the varying circumstances and factors of the bully and
victim involved as to what is the correct solution. For the bully who will
stop at nothing no matter how dignified you carry yourself, you BETTER
BELIEVE THERE'S A TIME FOR A KNUCKLE SANDWICH and I mean WHAM!
Say goodbye to his teeth! That is truly what the bully REALLY deserves
the instant, THE INSTANT HE OPENS HIS MOUTH. No toleration for a
"first" offense, NONE. He should be disciplined once it can be learned he's even THINKING about bullying someone else.

To have an OUNCE of compassion for the mindset of bullying is NUTS.

It is certainly understandable to have compassion for the kid who has been
brainwashed into a bullying mindset by macho ,arrogant parents.
That type needs to be counseled out of it. You hit that type of kid in
retaliation and you're gonna make it harder to unbrainwash him of it.

As you might guess yes ,in school the moment somebody started with me,
Boom! Grade school and High School. NOT that the dignified approach was
never applied , it was , and met with success. But there are certain types
that cannot be left believing they have the right to run their mouths at
you. They don't.

Knocking the arrogant on their behinds is still maintaining humility, you did
not start it, you are going to finish it though.


But 6 YEAR OLDS? That is an age where talking through their
problems with adult supervision can produce great results. Still
young enough to listen , still impressionable,stiil a great chance
to cut out the arrogant roots before they grow.

Gotta do it through ages 3,4,5, and 6. After that it does get
tougher.

 

[VintageJess]

Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to respond and share so far. I really appreciate your insights, and its nice to know that others understand our concerns! I guess parenting is really like anything--you just try to do your best and take one day at a time.

Thanks again from my family to yours!

 

[Novella]

As I don't have any kids I don't have any experienced parenting advice, but I have seen the ways my friends' parents have raised them and how it's affected them. Setting many strict rules may work for some families (very limited hours with friends, watching TV, rules with food), but my friends with the most strict parents became the most rebellious after they left home. That's not to say all rules are bad, it really all seems to be about moderation.

Also, public school isn't a bad place, it's what you make of it. I went to a public school, the most run down and poorly performing one in town, yet I managed to get a lot out of it. Just had to put in a good word for public school because it tends to get dogged a lot.

 

[Lincsong]

You only have one chance to make a first impression.

I can pass on a bit that my mother always stressed with me. Her three most important points were environment, environment, environment. This means that you know where your kids are, who they are with and what they are doing. Who they hang out with can make a real difference in their lives.
I remember my mother forbiding me to hang out with a friend of mine at that time. She said he was no good and that even if I didn't do a single thing wrong you are there when something went wrong and therefore guilty by association.

James, I can relate to that. As a teenager I befriended a fellow and one day during lunch I drove him home to retrieve a book that he forgot. His mother looked out the window and saw me sitting in the car and told him; "Manuel, who's that boy that brought you home? He looks like a nice, clean cut boy. You should be associating with boys like him. He looks like he'd be a good influence on you. Next time you ask him in so I can meet him." So the next time I met his mother and his father. Alfred and Teresa were the nicest people to me. Even if I dropped by and Manuel wasn't there they always invited me in to talk for a while. His Dad would say; "if you have time to talk to Manuel you have time to talk to us". Even 18 years later Teresa told me; "Lincsong, you have never changed. You're still the same neatly dressed, well mannered guy with the shiny car." So you only have one chance to make a good first impression.:eusa_clap

 

[Nora Charles]

Also, public school isn't a bad place, it's what you make of it. I went to a public school, the most run down and poorly performing one in town, yet I managed to get a lot out of it. Just had to put in a good word for public school because it tends to get dogged a lot.

As a public school teacher, I thank you! Most of the "bullies" I have experienced are that way because they are seeking attention and even negative attention is attention...they just need a little guidance. Unfortunately, it is also my experience that some parents struggle in that area.
In my opinion it all comes down to respect. Respect for adults as well as the children. If this is achieved, both turn out fine

 

[AtomicBlonde]

I dont have any children myself, however, I'm only 23 and I think I've turned out quite well due to the way I was raised. All throughout my childhood my sister and I were always complimented on how well behaved we were. In our teen years, neither one of us went out partying and drinking a lot, and even in college we're both pretty well behaved, I think.

I think a lot of it had to do with my parents being very firm with discipline, the fact that my sister and I were never left in daycare all day, I was homeschooled, and my sister was put in a private Christian school. (mom tried homeschooling her, but my sister is a social butterfly and needed to be around more people than my intoverted self)
My parents just very firmly guided me in the direction I should be going... and they NEVER cared about keeping up with the Jones' or what other parents were doing. I was always taught to say yes sir and no sir and yes ma'am and no ma'am.... and please and thank you... even to my parents. If my father called for me I wasnt allowed to reply with "yeah?" or "huh?" It was always "sir?" I'll certainly be calling on my parents for advice on child rearing when I have my own!

Anyway, I just think you just have to firmly guide your children... too many parents I think are hell bent on being their kids best friend and not on being a parent.

-the other Jess in Fredericksburg

 

[Hannigan Reilly]

My wife and I are expecting our first child in november and I have had a lot of time to consider how to raise a respectful, respectable child in this society we have now. Of course the first things are the sirs and ma'ams, please and thank you's. I believe church and faith are critical, and the less TV the better. I also have been perusing the many wonderful used/rare bookshops to find childrens books that reflect the values we feel are important. These are easy to find because they were all published prior to 1965. So I intend to have lots of the adventurous boy or courageous mannered girl stories around for reading to the little one from day one. Reading to the is as important as what is read, I think, and there is a literal treasure trove of childrens and young adult literature out there that reflect the American values of courage, decency, respect, and sacrifice that were prevalent before and during the Golden Era. I am building a library for my child of these books, and look forward to sharing them with little him or her.

My brothers and sisters and I grew up on Bob Hope and Jerry Lewis movies, the Little Rascals, Abbot and costello and Laurel and Hardy, and classic movies, because my parents abhorred the comedy, movies and television of the early 1980's. From these shows, I gained a great appreciation for the better side of American culture that has largely disappeared.

I also recommend Theodore Roosevelt's "The American Boy" mini-essay. A quick google search will bring it up. Good advice for what to expect from a growing boy.

I also largely agree with Doctor Laura on most of her points.

 

[Etienne]

HReilly, the children you have will be blessed to have you and your wife as parents. What a sound foundation you are providing! And I commend you on the thought and discernment you are already employing. It is no small challenge to raise kids and chances are good that you will not get a lot of approval from others in your efforts to do it "your way". But persevere anyway, the stakes are high and the rewards are great; I know, because we raised ours that way and they are now 30 and 27 and are wonderful people!

 

[jamespowers]

My wife and I are expecting our first child in november and I have had a lot of time to consider how to raise a respectful, respectable child in this society we have now. Of course the first things are the sirs and ma'ams, please and thank you's. I believe church and faith are critical, and the less TV the better. I also have been perusing the many wonderful used/rare bookshops to find childrens books that reflect the values we feel are important. These are easy to find because they were all published prior to 1965. So I intend to have lots of the adventurous boy or courageous mannered girl stories around for reading to the little one from day one. Reading to the is as important as what is read, I think, and there is a literal treasure trove of childrens and young adult literature out there that reflect the American values of courage, decency, respect, and sacrifice that were prevalent before and during the Golden Era. I am building a library for my child of these books, and look forward to sharing them with little him or her.

You are about two months behind me. Fortunately for me, my mother saved most of my books I had when I was a youngster. I also have a few that I have collected myself. Perhaps it might be a good idea to get a few more.
I know what you mean about thinking it through though. I came to the same conclusions you have.

Regards,

J

 

[crazylegsmurphy]

It's 2 am, and I am tired as a dog, so if this makes no sense then I'm sorry!

I really agree with raising kids with morals, manners, and all of that stuff, but I personally don't think it has to be some crazy overboard way of doing things.

I personally think my parents did an awesome job. They taught me how to be well mannerd, and respectful of others. They allowed me to make my own choices such as giving me a bunch of information and letting me choose my own religion based on what I had learned. They encouraged me to get involved with computers and such, which has lead me to be a web developer for a greater part of the last 10 years.

The taught me to respect my peers and my elders but encouraged me to never feel like I was below them. They taught me that I could still be decent to people while still respecting thier customs and ways of thinking. I was allowed to choose my interests, which was sports at times, science at others, and art as well.

I am now 28 years old and have a pretty cool life. I am currently back in school after working as an artist, make-up artist, web designer, owning two of my own businesses, and a high school student teacher.

I think I am turning out pretty well, and I think the secret is to not freak out over ever little thing. I have pretty much seen every movie made since the 70's and I watched a lot of TV. I played a lot of sports, and I spend many, many night reading national Geographic, Science books, and religious texts from most of the worlds major religions.

I have never even tried alcohol, or drugs, and I have never been in trouble with the law.....

blah blah blah....anyway....my point is that while I understand as a parent you want your kids to grow up with your values and your ideals, I think you have to realize that just because you made them, doesn't mean you should dictate who they are.

Give your kids some freedom to be who they want. Always be there for support when they fall, but be mindful of thier own thoughts and ideas. Let them experiance as many things as they can, and allow them the freedom to see what too much of one thing can do. Teach them to be respectful to everyone regardless of race, religion, gender, sexual preference, and all that.

I am rambling so I'll end my rant with this. I feel raising kids is like playing with clay blindfolded. If you grip it too tight you don't notice how much is slipping through your fingers, but if you hold it in your hand with care and gently work it, you actually take the time to make something good.

I'm sleepy.

 

[LizzieMaine]

As far as teaching kids good, sound, honest human values are concerned, I think the wisest man of the 20th Century might have been Mister Rogers. I grew up on his program, and rarely a day that goes by where I don't think of some lesson I learned from him about kindness, friendship, or unconditional love.

"There's only one person in the whole world like you -- and I like you just the way you are."

If there's a single message worth communicating to children, especially in a world that all too often demands they turn themselves into something they may not want to be for the sake of popularity, I think that would have to be it.

 

[shamus]

Are there really parents out there that are teaching their children NOT to have morals, good character etc?

 

[jamespowers]

Are there really parents out there that are teaching their children NOT to have morals, good character etc?

Tune into MTV and see.

Regards to all,

J

 

[shamus]

Tune into MTV and see.

Regards to all,

J

I don't have time to watch MTV.

Do they really try to teach that to kids? What show is on MTV does it show that?

 

[jamespowers]

I don't have time to watch MTV.

Do they really try to teach that to kids? What show is on MTV does it show that?

Pick a show any day.
MTV used to be about playing videos now its about reality TV and all kinds of other trash. And yes, I remember the first day they started. Buggles anyone?

Regards to all,

J

 

[Hannigan Reilly]

Are there really parents out there that are teaching their children NOT to have morals, good character etc?

By default, when no morals are taught, bad morals are being approved of. Pop culture for young people seems to be reaching as low as possible, encouraging a very primitive and mindless narcissism. While this has always been present, kids with these social attitudes used to be the minority. I do not think this is the case any longer. Parents who do not keep an eye on pop culture's influence on their kids tacitly approve of its message.

And as hokey as it may sound, I have to agree that Mr. Rogers, for young kids, is certainly a good show, in that it teaches and reinforces positive attitudes and behavior.

 

[Etienne]

Very well said.

 

[Doc.Freddy]

Im scared for my future kids

Its my beliefe that it was better to raise your child in the pat when American ideals godfering. Im scared for my future kids, kids these days have no manners or respecte for elders. They also take every thing for granted and they think the wolrd ows them something. When infact its does not. Kids these days have no morals, they drink to the point of intoxication, they have lose morals and they dont care. Ive seen the results of thir actions at the end when they end up in the hospital with an unknown rash. raising kids in the past im guessing was much better. Life was much more simple kids played out side, and you didnt have TV, Internet or rap to influence their minds. Yes teens have always rebeled but they had a line that they didnt cross. The modern generations have crossed and ran past the line a long time ago. it takes a viliage to raise a child.

 

[raiderrescuer]

raising children...

My personal opinion is it's all about the parents...
5 years ago while at my parent’s house I overheard the neighbor yelling from his back patio to his son to come in.
When the son didn't show up (it's a very small yard,) here comes dad yelling some more.
His Five Year Old calls him an a**hole in front of God & everybody and when dad caught up to him dad didn't chew him out for what the kid had called him just that the kid hadn’t listen whenever dad had said to come in.

I understand now, that the child is with his mom and has made great improvements.