Overdressed for a funeral

[Jefferson Smith]

I heard this on NPR today, and I thought of this thread:

Arlington Visitors Should Dress for Hallowed Ground
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=11291636

 

[Edward]

But I'm Irish and I come from a rather different culture to my friends on the UK mainland.

Ain't that the truth. My beloved paternal grandmother died in the Summer of 05, and she was the first of the family in my living memory to spend time at home before the day of the funeral. Otherwise, everything was very traditional. Unlike when I was living with my parents and still gonig to hte village church and suit and tie were de rigeur of a Sunday morning, here in England Sunday mornings are quite casual and I generally go with the flow there (though i might put on a nice suit for communion Sunday when I'm stewarding). I'd never dream of turning up for a funeral not in a suit and having made a real effort, though. For me (and maybe it is a cultural thing, being Irish and funereal stuff being such a core cultural thing) it's be like showing up at a wedding in jeans and a t shirt.

Does make me wonder, though.... I guess so many people nowadays work jobs where a suit is never needed, of the few who do go to a church or equivalent, they probably don't generally dress up.... most folks nowadays probably never go anywhere other than weddings and funeral where they need to dress smart. If funerals go the casual way, how much longer will it be before folsk are gonig to sweddings in their jeans and a t?

 

[Edward]

I think weddings are the chance to push the suit to its limits and have fun.

I don't think a flashy suit will ever be thought of as trying out do the groom- as long as the groom wears a tux.

Over this side of the Atlantic, morning suits are still the more common approach (some of them classic, some of them a bit garish, but still) for the wedding party, with the guests in regular lounge suits... gonig all out with a sharp suit in that sort of context would be fine, I think, as it's never gonig to be as formal as the formal daywear that the wedding party is in.

Actually, on the subject of wedding clothes, I used to know a guy who got married according to what he told me was a Danish tradition (he was Danish on his mother's side) - wedding party in white tie, guests in black tie. The photos did look superb.

 

[Edward]

I've always thought that red would be better for weddings than white. It's more romantic.

If memory serves, Confederate brides in the US Civil War era often wore red as a political statement of support for the CSA.... I would be surprised though if anyone too offence to a red wedding dress on that ground in the way they might to a Confederate flag being waved around.

 

[Big Man]

I'm trying to figure out how to crash a funeral.

This brings back a memory I haven't had in a long time. There used to be an odd fellow in my hometown that had a habit of attending EVERY funeral visitation. It made no difference that he didn't know the deceased or any of the family.

He was a man of very simple means, who dressed in overalls, a white shirt and black tie, and wore a black suit coat, and had an old black fedora-style hat. He always came through the receiving line and shook hands with the family.

 

[Edward]

I've also noticed that the amount of flowers at funerals have dropped off markedly. You used to go to a funeral and there would be a wall of flowers around the coffin. Now there's just a couple dislays. There were so many flowers at funerals in the past the funeral homes used to have flower cars, El Camino styled cars to carry all the flowers behind the hearst. I haven't see that in a long time.

I have seen this increasingly at the funerals I've been to in Ireland in my lifetime. In my experience, it comes down to the fact that so many folks nowadays request 'family flowers only', usually with a charity specified for donations in lieu of flowers. It makes sense to me - allows people to be able to make their tribute in a way where the money can go on to a charity and do some good without a lot of money being spent on expensive flowers that won't last long. For my grandmother's funeral, we had some family flowers (shockingly, a very simple, but beautiful tribute was about GBP90!), with donations to several cancer charities who had provided overnight and inhome nursing care so that she was able to die at home as she wanted, and not in a hospital.

Back on the subject of appropriate dress, I have been reminded of one experience.... a neighbour who also worked with my dad for years, his wife died about 15 years ago. At the funeral two untidy, dirty looking guys in rough jeans and t-shirts showed up and raised a few eyebrows. It turned out that he had trained them both as telecoms engineers, and they were on duty locally, had heard about the funeral, and had been able to talk their spuerviser into giving them a couple of hours off to go to the funeral. Funny how your attitude can change when you take a minute to find out where folks are coming from!

On the subject of my own funeral, I'd love it if people went for a dress to impress approach, to the nines - anything from a sharp suit to white to tie corset and suspenders (and that's just the boys..... ha, many of my dearest friends are to be found in my Rocky Horror family, all of them mean at least as much to me as the blood family)... I want it to be a big party and let people enjoy it. I'd like to think somebody would be a little bit upset I'll not be around anymore, but hey.... it's not as if wailing and crying will bring me back. I've not yet decided what I'll wear myself.... I'm also tempted to take my Telecaster into the furnace with me, she's a special girl, but it seems such a waste of a great instrument when I could leave it to someone.

 

[Undertow]

Tell me if I'm wrong but my understanding was that you were not to wear a pinstripe suit to a funeral (although I think just about any nice suit is fine, nowadays). Gray, blue or black, or otherwise dark business dress was the order. Plain black shoes, modest, subdued accessories like cufflinks and belt/suspenders, and hats were acceptable.

Wedding should follow the guidelines presented on the invitation. If the invitation does not specify, you should not make an assumption but rather, call the bride/groom/family and ask what would be appropriate. If they do not specify, or if you are otherwise too embarrased to call, you can base your dress on the formality of the invitation, i.e. fancy lettering vs. bbq stains, etc.

If you weren't invited to the wedding, per se, but are going as an escort with a friend, you should play safe and wear a dark blue or black business appropriate suit with bright cufflinks and polished shoes. Hats are, of course, acceptable. I'm sure pinstripes would be acceptable too.

I have a book on this sort of thing, I'll have to hunt around and find it.

 

[Undertow]

I'd want people to come dressed well. They could all stand around, grab an arm or leg, or whatever they can get a hold of, and throw me to a pack of hungry wolves. Burn my belongings, wreck my car and sell off any estate leftover.

And that's just my wedding!

I dare say how I feel about my own funeral.

 

[Viola]

If they do not specify, or if you are otherwise too embarrased to call, you can base your dress on the formality of the invitation, i.e. fancy lettering vs. bbq stains, etc.

I just got an excellent mental image of "Uncle Jed and Jethro have him treed, come quick!" lol

-Viola

 

[Orgetorix]

Tell me if I'm wrong but my understanding was that you were not to wear a pinstripe suit to a funeral (although I think just about any nice suit is fine, nowadays). Gray, blue or black, or otherwise dark business dress was the order. Plain black shoes, modest, subdued accessories like cufflinks and belt/suspenders, and hats were acceptable.

Pinstripes are the quintessential business suiting, so no, they wouldn't be the most appropriate thing to wear to a funeral. Still, if your only dark suit has pinstripes, it's better than any of the alternatives.

 

[koopkooper]

I think you should wear what you felt you should wear initially.
I don't believe in dressing down or inappropriatly just because society does.
When I went to my Grandfathers funeral a while back I wore a black shirt, black tie, black suit and a black hat. Some bum who thought he was funny said to me "you look like your going to a funeral" Ha Ha Suffice to say I was pretty angry and replied "Yes I am you inconsiderate ##$@@# perhaps you should think before you open ya big trap and consider the obvious"

Doubt he will do that again, he seemed somewhat shocked.

 

[Jovan]

I get that, or that I look like I'm going to a wedding whenever I put the suit on. I'm wondering if I should even keep doing it.

 

[jamespowers]

I think you should wear what you felt you should wear initially.
I don't believe in dressing down or inappropriatly just because society does.
When I went to my Grandfathers funeral a while back I wore a black shirt, black tie, black suit and a black hat. Some bum who thought he was funny said to me "you look like your going to a funeral" Ha Ha Suffice to say I was pretty angry and replied "Yes I am you inconsiderate ##$@@# perhaps you should think before you open ya big trap and consider the obvious"

Doubt he will do that again, he seemed somewhat shocked.

Excellent response. Let them know that their comments aren't needed nor appreciated. :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap

Regards,

J

 

[Lincsong]

Why don't some people just keep their mouths shut? He probably goes to a funeral dressed like bowling night.

 

[Edward]

Pinstripes are the quintessential business suiting, so no, they wouldn't be the most appropriate thing to wear to a funeral. Still, if your only dark suit has pinstripes, it's better than any of the alternatives.

I don't know about the old etiquette rules, but I think it would depend on how pronounced the strieps are, too - an older style, subtle stripe I think is fine, but something like what you see the city boys wearing here in London with a very, very obvious white stripe (like you'd see on a zoot) would I think be a touch "loud" for the occasion.

 

[Katie Brookes]

there is a great story in my family about my great-grandma accidentally wearing two hats to a funeral... she forgot she already had one on.


most of the funerals i have been to lately, most people didn't even wear black. some people wore jeans. such is modern formality; nonexistent. i think it looks good, and respectful when people do dress up for one...
just as long as they don't dress up, or act, like this: http://youtube.com/watch?v=xDm4z3dcduc

katie

 

[Lincsong]

Looks like we found something worst than throwing wax paper wrapped sandwiches at the social hall.

 

[Undertow]

Not to unearth an old topic (mind the pun), here is some information from A Gentleman Gets Dressed Up by John Bridges and Bryan Curtis. Of course, take this for what you will.

"When dressing for a funeral...a gentleman dresses in the most somber attire he has at hand. Ideally, he wears a dark suit (either black, navy, or dark gray-striped or unstriped), a simple, clean, freshly laundered shirt, a quiet tie, dark socks and black, freshly polished shoes."

 

[Roger]

Sure beats jeans, t-shirt and rubber sandals.

 

[Lincsong]

This Madeiran friend of mine, we'll call him Manny to protect the guilty, told me this story.

When his grandfather died his grandmother was crying in full force over the casket, whaling in sorrow. Her mother came up and said; "hey Mary, don't cry so much. Better him than you".