Mother-in-Law's Scathing E-mail Goes Viral

[Puzzicato]

Is it acceptable to then turn that email into a viral joke? Something tells me that family's troubles are just beginning.

I can totally understand sending the email to 2 or 3 of my friends. And then they send it to 5 or 6 of theirs. No one in the family set out to turn it into a viral joke.

 

[Mojito]

And now the groom's biological mother has weighed in to say that she finds her future daughter in law charming, has never seen her be rude, and states she'd be welcome any time in her house.

I like this woman...she sounds pleasant, and only refused to comment when asked about Carolyn. Of course, goodness knows what family history there is there and interior hostilities.

 

[LizzieMaine]

I can totally understand sending the email to 2 or 3 of my friends. And then they send it to 5 or 6 of theirs. No one in the family set out to turn it into a viral joke.

I don't think it shows the best judgement on her part, especially since as you say, friends send things to friends and there's really no such thing as "keep this to yourself" anymore. Better she should have realized that from the start, because like it or not, if she marries this guy she's going to have to face this woman on a regular basis. If she thought the relationship was frosty before it's going to be positively Antarctic now, and that's not going to be particularly pleasant for anyone in the family.

 

[Mojito]

But the same lack of judgement surely also applies to the step MiL...she chose to send a scathing personal communication to her future DiL, one in which she tells her she thinks it is "unfortunate" her stepson has fallen in love with the girl and suggests she must be patting herself on the back for making such a "catch", implying she's a gold digger. If there's no such thing as "keep this to yourself" anymore, then perhaps such a conversation would have been better face to face rather than sending this email as she did to both the girl's personal and work address, several times?

On that score, I certainly couldn't guarantee confidentiality. I can see why, being (understandably) upset at the tenor of the whole thing, sending it on to some friends. After all, the MiL chose the impersonal means of communication via email (heh - perhaps a handwritten note would have been better?).

If she had these issues, a little sit down chat rather than a venemously toned email might have succeeded in conveying her position better.

 

[LizzieMaine]

Someone should have taken the high road. Nobody did. Or as we used to learn in grammar school, two wrongs don't make a right.

 

[Mojito]

This is true...it's a rather sad spectacle. The only restraint so far has been in neither party commenting publically, although others have weighed in. Apparently the wedding is still going ahead at this stage, so one can only wish them all the best.

The full story, if it were to come out, would possibly shed quite a different light on matters...as it is, we've just got a single isolated email and subsequent comments from the bride's father and his biological mother. That's really far from enough to get a grasp on the situation...for us, it's a news story. For these people, it's their lives. Is this woman a strident, judgemental, venemous person, or is she actually a lovely individual who had a lapse of judgement that came of frustration? Is this bride-to-be a lazy, boorishly mannered attention seeker, or is that just how she's been seen through jaundiced eyes? How could we possibly judge from the little information we have? It's too easy to read our own experiences into it...if you've had in-laws from hell, you can identify with Heidi. If you've encountered self-centered, entitled visitors, it could be understandable why you'd side with Carolyn. You can't judge the truth from a single email that was never meant to go public.

 

[sheeplady]

But isn't it the mother-in-law's responsibility to be welcoming to her future daughter-in-law? Even if you marry in yourself, if you've been there longer, it's still your responsibility to be welcoming to new family members. You make them feel like part of the family and generally make sure that they are well taken care of.

I still say if this young woman's behavior was simply off-putting, then the MIL should have handled it through her son. Once they are married, ok, handle it through the bride.

I wouldn't want any child of mine to read something nasty like that from me, especially about their mate. She had to at least assume that the bride to be was going to show it to her future husband. Can you imagine the shame she put her son through- even if it was private?

 

[LizzieMaine]

Well, again, I think the young gal would have been better served, once the email was received, to simply take it up with mother-in-law privately. In doing so she could have claimed a legitimate moral high ground -- and maybe even reached some sort of rapprochement. By sending it on to her friends for yuks and lolz, all she did was make things that much worse -- and there's absolutely zero chance that there's ever going to be any kind of a harmonious relationship between these two.

When someone sets a fire, you can choose to throw water or gasoline on it -- but if you choose the latter, expect to get burned.

 

[David V]

At some point, grown-ups should have become involved.

 

[C-dot]

I like this woman...she sounds pleasant, and only refused to comment when asked about Carolyn.

Thank goodness there is a real lady involved!

 

[sheeplady]

and there's absolutely zero chance that there's ever going to be any kind of a harmonious relationship between these two.

This relationship was ruined the first time this woman sent the email, yet alone sent it to her three times on the same day.

Where I come from, you don't criticize someone's parents, and you especially don't point out class differences and compare yourself. If my in-laws pulled that kind of classist stuff on my family, I'm pretty sure that no relationship we have would ever be civil.

Maybe, however, the DIL and MIL are a match made in heaven and love this kind of thing and are actively and purposefully antagonizing each other. They'll be going at it for the rest of their lives- loving every minute of it.

 

[LizzieMaine]

Still, if you're going to be tying yourself to this family, you'd be better served to at least have it on the record that you tried to make it work. I'm not defending the mother-in-law -- but I think the girl herself had a real chance to prove who was truly of superior character, in a way that would have made a lasting impression -- if not on the MIL, then on the rest of the family and especially on her future husband. But she blew that chance the moment she pressed the "forward" button -- and now there's no making amends on either side.

Sometimes it's not about what makes you feel good in the short term. Sometimes it's about thinking beyond the moment.

 

[sheeplady]

I'd tend to agree. I think a brilliant response would be something lightly apologetic, including a nice paragraph about working on behaviors and maybe her and her future mother-in-law could get together and work on the DILs manners together. The best thing the DIL could say is that she would appreciate spending more time with the MIL and learning from her about appropriate behavior. Plan a weekend together or to go out to dinner once a week.

It would look like the DIL was trying to fix things, and if the MIL sent back a nasty response, the DIL would have every right at that point to be beyond angry. As in "you're not invited to the wedding anymore" angry.

It would also serve the purpose if the MIL just wanted to irritate and get rid of the DIL, to further irritate the MIL. Kill her with kindness sort of thing.

 

[scooter]

If Mrs. Bourne was the lady she thinks she is, she would never have sent the email.

I'm with Film Noir, and I just thank the Lord I'm not related to this woman. I fear everyone around her has suffered her wrath at some point.

 

[scooter]

And I posit this, perhaps she never intended forwarding the email for "yucks". Perhaps DIL was genuinely distressed and puzzled as to how to respond, seeking advice from those she trusted; and she inadvertently gave someone childish an opportunity to display sophomoric tendencies. Or then again, maybe she put this rude wench on display for all the world to ridicule. I kinda like the DIL, in either case. As far hopes of getting on with MIL, there was NEVER any chance of that happening to start with. MIL gets on with few, if any, methinks!!

 

[V.C. Brunswick]

Alan Withers, Heidi's father, described Mr Bourne as a jovial chap but said of Mrs B that she was "stuck on herself" and kept prattling on about her five horses and how she was a part of the Queen's set. :rofl:

 

[LizzieMaine]

One of the barrage of articles that has come out about this incident says that Heidi asked her father what to do. He told her to do exactly what she should have done -- ignore it. Instead she decided to pass it along to "a group of friends," and then the snowball rolled. She should have listened to the old man. (She might also want to reexamine her choice of friends.)

 

[Pompidou]

I don't think she should've taken her father's advice. The MIL deserves all the world's scorn and ridicule that can be mustered. If DIL ignored the email, the evil MIL would've sensed weakness and continued to be atrocious forever. Now she won't so much as make a peep without the world saying, "You are one horrible woman!" and if that's not justice, I don't know what is.

 

[Tomasso]

I've always had good luck with my in-laws; wish I could say the same of their daughters.............

 

[Chas]

I think it's pretty crass to say that sort of stuff in an email. If I had that sort of stuff to say to someone, I'd say it in person. With witnesses. It's also the apex of crassness to pass on this email to friends/coworkers. Both the future Mother in law and the younger woman are pieces of work.

One of the great things about getting married is that you can choose to belong to a particular family. It's not like when you're born - you can't choose; they choose you. So one should look long and hard at his/her family, and ask yourself "would I voluntarily join this club?" If the answer is no, then cut your losses and move on. Even if the prospective spouse appears to be "a catch". Invariably, the apple comes to rest fairly close to the tree.