Is it 2008 or 1958?? - Retro marriage, 21st century-style

[Foofoogal]

It is just not my money to spend.

lol lol lol

Wow, unless you eat bonbons and sit on the couch all day I am sure it is yours to spend.

It is all up to each to find the choices that fit for them but this statement alone shows how far we are from the 1958 ideas or ideals however you look at it.

I could say I have increased my honeys allowance over the 33 years we are married but that would be just mean. Kidding people. Really we make decisions together but we see it as our money. He tends to wait for the big ticket items where I get more little things.
When we got first got married (since I came from a large family and my mother did pretty much ask my father what she could spend) I remember meekly asking my honey if I could have some extra money to buy no kidding some new dish towels. He was like what? Why would you ask me that? Of course. So he has pretty much set the tone.
I don't take much advantage of this freedom as I am like a frugal mama bear protecting her young and desire to leave as much as we are able for our children and grandchildren. He gets mad at me really because I want buy for myself more but spend it only on my business. [huh]

 

[mackenzie]

Well, I agree with you to a point. My work in the house are surely worth as much as his work outside the house, but to me it feels strange to ask for more than my neseceties ( how do you spell that?) If I want to buy a pair of shoes (that I don't need because I got millions) I can't say I think it is right to use his money for it. But if I got my own money I can do it. and if I would like to go on a trip and he doesn't want to go, I can do it and he can stay in the house and be a bore. Does this make any sense? and for the record, when I needed a car, he got me one and he paid for italian lesson and so on...

 

[Foofoogal]

Does he feel this way? Have you ever asked him?
Love is taking care of each other. It is not a data sheet of record keeping.
I have helped bring in what I can when I am able. Love and cherish.
I cherish him, I listen to him, I love him, I bake him cakes, I took care of our children, I had his children, I pray for him, I encourage him, I clean, I cook, I look ahead and see how I can make our lives better.
I don't blast him with dumb stuff the moment he walks in the door. (biggest mistake people make of any sex)
It really is like carving out a place of refuge and having a sense of survival in a world that sometimes needs survival in.
Marriage is not a competition. It is a team effort.

In return he adores me and me him.

 

[Joie DeVive]

Does he feel this way? Have you ever asked him?
Love is taking care of each other. It is not a data sheet of record keeping....

Marriage is not a competition. It is a team effort....

Amen!

I think not discussing money and roles is one of the biggest mistakes that couples make. And what you work out depends on how each of you view your role in the relationship and money. I agree with Foofoogal, you should have this discussion with your fella, and ASAP.

In my marriage, we are both working together towards common goals. We each get a small allowance weekly which is our own to do with as we please. Beyond that, we have to agree on larger purchases. We walk every evening after dinner and this not only aids digestion, but gives us a chance to discuss anything we need to. We keep in touch with each other about upcoming expenses, financial goals and whatnot.

The big thing is though, that we don't play tit for tat with money. When we first got married my fella had hardly a penny to his name, and not long after the wedding the car we shared (his) went kaput. I used some of my savings from before marriage to buy a used car, which we agreed upon of course. I don't think of it or refer to it as my car (except on very rare occasion when my MIL is being particularly peevish about my not working- and then to her, not my husband). My husband is really the one who drives it, but it is our car.
Similarly, I still have some savings from before our marriage. Once I get my ducks in a row, my intention is to start investing it to create a retirement nest-egg or future college fund for our kids. It isn't just mine, it's ours.
For the first years of our marriage I did work, and we saved all my income. In this way, the money I earned paid the down payment on the house, and my husband now pays the mortgage. But it's our house.

In the same way, since I keep the house and cook the meals and such, I am contributing to the household, and I can spend money. The money isn't just his, it's ours. And like Foofoogal's, my husband will fuss because he knows I don't fully feel comfortable spending on myself (never have, and it's an unrelated phenomenon). I occasionally hear the phrase: "If you won't buy it, I will!!"lol

There's an organization that figures out every year what a stay-at-home-Mom's work is worth monetarily in the workforce. I think that last year they set the figure at something like $213,000!!! Now, even if you are not a mom yet, your efforts are probably worth a substantial sum. Please don't feel like they aren't. I'm not saying that you should run out and spend several thousand Euros, but I would encourage you to share your worries with your husband. I doubt he's an ogre, and I bet you can work out something that you will both feel comfortable with.

 

[mackenzie]

Well, we are not married yet, I believe that in a marriage you are in it togheter but since we "only" live togheter it makes me think about it in a different way. And the day we have kids, I'm going shoe shopping- Guilt free!

 

[Joie DeVive]

Well, that does make things a little different. But if you are going to get married, I'd make sure to settle this stuff first. It'll make a world of difference!

And the day we have kids, I'm going shoe shopping- Guilt free!

lol I think you could probably wait until the next day, unless of course you mean internet shopping!! lol

 

[Cricket]

Many of my friends roll their eyes when I say this: But I would love to sit at home, bake warm pies, sew clothes and do all the other things discussed in these posts.
I have found that my friends who do stay at home are much happier.
I work full time and I love my job. But I would love to "retire" already.
That's it....I quit

 

[mackenzie]

lol I think you could probably wait until the next day, unless of course you mean internet shopping!! lol

lol lol lol lol

 

[Starius]

Here is another article of similar subject:

Time Warp Wives: Meet the women who really do live in the past
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1042702/Time-Warp-Wives-Meet-women-really-live-past.html

 

[Foofoogal]

That man must break his neck trying to get home to the red headed woman and I totally want the rug with the bluebirds the 3rd. wife is standing on. lol

 

[desi_de_lu_lu]

All three of these women say one basic thing...the fact that they wanted to leave the hectic pace of the modern age. I totally agree with them and I too can't wait to erradicate every nuance of the modern age from my home... easier said than done. lol

 

[TheDutchess]

I think I wouldn't mind living a slower pace of lifestyle though i might go a little wacko without my computer. Um...fftopic: but Did anyone else notice that they seem to not interact with people who don't share their ideals? One even sounded down right defensive. [huh] If they're happy, hey more power to them but I would be lonely and sort of bored interacting with ONLY people exactly like me. Little to stepford wife for my taste but hopefully I can find a happy median somewhere in there. Maybe there is a happy median somewhere in there. Oh and P.S. I just ADORE the car the 40's lady has.

 

[Paisley]

Here is another article of similar subject:

Time Warp Wives: Meet the women who really do live in the past
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1042702/Time-Warp-Wives-Meet-women-really-live-past.html

There was a thread on this article in the Golden Era section. It turned out that the ladies were very much misrepresented in the article.

 

[Paisley]

If you enter a marriage where you come in with much more net worth than your spouse, you might want to be careful about comingling assets. If things don't work out, you might end up leaving poorer than you when you went in.

As for a homemaker/SAHM being worth $213,000...if someone placed an ad for a housekeeper with child care duties, and offered that kind of money, people would be lining up around the block to apply.

 

[Lola Getz]

Starius, thanks for the article!

That man must break his neck trying to get home to the red headed woman

lol Seriously! She's quite the glamourpuss! I am jealous of her green evening gown and 50's home. It's very fab.

 

[Widebrim]

1. I love that the "expert" in this situation..the author of the the book, is a MAN! Of course, of course, oh of course!
2. I am a stay at home mother/wife...and I am married to the house! My one income has meant ONE CAR! I stayed home initially because we couldn't afford child care. Then when my second was born it was best for me to stay home, then when he was diagnosed with Autism I didn't have a choice. I had to stay home to care for him and facilitate all of his appointments.
3. I am in school now, full time working on my BA in Social Sciences with a Teaching Concentration. I am going to start taking Acting classes again so I can go back to work. This staying home IS NOT FOR EVERYONE! My husband now has a job that fully supports us and then some but that doesn't mean it is easier. My house isn't cleaner because there are always at least 3 of us milling about, the meals aren't fancier because everyone is always hungry and I am not happier because I am getting to stay home. There seems to be this romantic view of staying home. To appreciate your home you must leave it, you must look forward to it at the end of the day or weekend. Staying home isn't always a luxury and I find it sad that it is portrayed as such. Now, this is just my personal experience. Staying home doesn't negate the efforts that came before us, those women fought for CHOICE, theirs and ours. My own choice happens to be that I feel empowered when I contribute to my home. I feel empowered when I appreciate what I have. I feel empowered when I feel fulfilled.

A good riposte to balance things out.

 

[Widebrim]

Starius, thanks for the article!


lol Seriously! She's quite the glamourpuss! I am jealous of her green evening gown and 50's home. It's very fab.

Yeah, she's quite a dish (as Ed Norton would say)!

 

[Joie DeVive]

As for a homemaker/SAHM being worth $213,000...if someone placed an ad for a housekeeper with child care duties, and offered that kind of money, people would be lining up around the block to apply.

I thought it was kind of high too. My memory could be way off, I can't even remember which organization puts out this estimate, but I know I see it on the news every year or so.

I think they arrive at the figure by dividing up the number of hours the typical Mom spends on cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, driving the kids around etc, and then multiplying the hours by the salary of a private chef, a house cleaner, a private shopper, a chauffeur, a laundress, a preschool teacher/daycare worker etc. I think it gets so high because Stay-at-home Mom's "work more hours" than people in a job. (Yes, I know most people come home from work and then have to do all this stuff too..) On top of that, some of the jobs they are pretty exotic and high paying, like personal chef. And I would guess that since many Mom's take care of their children all day, and also do the other chores, that there are overlapping time periods and thus those calculating may be figuring double or even triple pay for some time periods.

It may not be entirely accurate, but it does give an ego boost to those of us doing these jobs, and it does draw attention to the undervaluation of this type of work in our society today.

 

[Paisley]

It is work, and it is valuable. At my house, a lot of the stuff, like frequent cleaning, weeding, fine cooking, just doesn't always get done since I work all day.

I don't know how many SAHMs have a life insurance policy, but they all should. Hiring a nanny and engaging a cleaning service wouldn't cost six figures, but it would be a chunk of change.

 

[ShoreRoadLady]

As for a homemaker/SAHM being worth $213,000...if someone placed an ad for a housekeeper with child care duties, and offered that kind of money, people would be lining up around the block to apply.

$213,000 is probably a bit high. But not as high as you might think; there are housekeepers out there who are very well paid for doing a typical wife's chores - meals, grocery shopping, housework, ferrying kids to and from school, etc.