inlaws(screams)

[dani]

so my inlaws will be here tonight for a week. they are thinking about moving here from texas, so they are coming down here to look for a place to live, i have known they were coming, but assumed they were staying in a hotel, until my husband decided to tell just yesterday that they are staying at our house. i love my father in law he is so sweet, and was the one who gave me away at our wedding, my mother in law on the other hand is crazy. she means well, but is seriously just insane. she is a neat freak to the point where it is like a sickness. i am really laid back when it comes to cleaning so she hates that. she alway is the first to tell me when i am doing something wrong in bringing up my daughter. when i was preg, i had group B strep, nothing big, it's a form of sterp on your cervix, it can make the baby sick during delivery, she didn't know what it was, and assumed it was hepatitis, and told everyone we knew that i had hepatitius. yeah. my husband has lost some weight, so she says it is b/c of my cooking, either i am not cooking good enough, or i am just not feeding him. and i think she is just a little jealous that the family likes me. she thought they were going to hate me because at the time i had a lot of piercings, and stuff. well it turned out they loved me. my father in laws mother didn't like my mother in law for a while, and liked me the first time she met me, and gave me a recipe, that she has never gave anyone, and it made my mother in law mad. sorry this is so long i guess i'm just venting. anyone else have stories about their inlaws, or who ever else they want to share?

 

[Amy Jeanne]

Haha!! My in'laws just left 2 weeks ago after staying at our place for SIX WEEKS!!!



I love them, really I do, and they bought us our groceries, did all of our laundry, did the cooking and cleaning while we were at work so I am greatful for all of that. But six weeks is just too much!!!!!! A few little things that irked me were my mum-in-law being overly-motherly. I dunno -- I just don't like that (maybe because my mom was never like that.) How she dropped everything for her son (my husband.) It made me feel a bit inferior because I *don't* drop everything and baby my husband!!! I work the same hours as he does so I demand we do everything equally and take turns. My hubby told me he doesn't like it when his mother gets overly-motherly, but I still have this little complex.

 

[Blondie]

Oh don't get me started ........
I am just delighted it's a 6 hour drive between my M.I.L and us,
Put it this way, this coming Christmas i will be leaving town while she is here,
i need a couch to sleep on for 6 nights, any offers ?

 

[Paisley]

Dani, maybe you can go to a hotel.

Maybe it's not very friendly, but I think I'd be using the phrase, "I'm sorry, but I don't discuss that" quite a bit.

 

[Dr Doran]

Sorry, I cannot resist. I know this terrain. This is a tough time. In my case, my mother in law is wonderful, my father in law a raging freak. An alcoholic religious fanatic with graduate degrees in
1.) business,
2.) theology, and
3.) psychology

-- so as a result he is an
1) overly aggressive
2.) holier-than-thou
3.) manipulator

who thinks he understands you and tries to pull the absolute lamest, most embarassingly outmoded reverse psychology on you to manipulate you. They live in Poland so I don't have to see them much. But their English is excellent so I cannot use the "cannot communicate" excuse.

My first advice is, don't drink around them, unless they are in a great mood and it is only 1 drink. Drinking can make people feel as though they can relax their manners and talk about all sorts of things and that is the LAST thing you want.

First and a half advice: jog a lot. Unless they jog and want to jog with you: in this case, go spelunking a lot. The point is invent a routine that takes you away from them and that they will not want to participate in. It makes you look more serious anyway.

Seond advice, if she is a clean freak, clean the house grimly and seriously, with your man to help you. Polish all the wood. Make it cleaner than it has ever been. Tell her that you do this every Saturday. Or Friday. Or whatever. Lie.

Third advice, make the best food possible. Lots of it. Dazzle her.

Fourth advice, remember it is only a week.

Fifth advice. Don't be afraid to pull little tricks and be slightly underhanded. When father in law "visited" for a MONTH I found myself invited to professors' houses for dinner a lot. More than ever. And who can say no to a professor? These people are important and you cannot say no to them. They determine my career. Sorry, "Dad." I don't think you can do this much in a week -- once tops -- but little tricks are fine. Can you set your cell phone to ring if you press a button on the outside? That will save you from conversations that get kind of annoying. "Oh, sorry -- I have to get this. It's long distance, my pen pal from Japan."

Sixth advice. If she is aggressive, there are ways to be aggressive without saying or doing much of anything -- just to throw her off a bit so she cannot get a firm stance in her aggressiveness and try to steamroll you. Example: Look at her straight in the eyes when you talk, do not smile (this can be seen as weak or submissive), keep staring and make HER be the one to look away. Talk very slowly, clearly, slightly loudly when you speak to her. This gives you time to consider your words and to craft them to produce the best effect on her: which is to get her to back off and realize this is your turf and your life.

 

[Baron Kurtz]

See, the psychoanalyst would have it that your husband is at fault for allowing the mothering to go on unchecked. The eternal requirement for mother figure is the major flaw in the male psyche.

I have great in-laws. Very nice people.

bk

 

[Edward]

No inlaws, no problem!

Actually, I nearly did once. Long story. They were sweet people though - it was their daughter that turned out not to be so pleasant. lol

 

[Dr Doran]

No inlaws, no problem!

Actually, I nearly did once. Long story. They were sweet people though - it was their daughter that turned out not to be so pleasant. lol

lol lol lol

 

[Miss 1929]

Wow.

I really feel for you guys, it must be so difficult. Even the ones you get along with well are hard to take in large doses. And the ones that are insane...what can you do?
I am lucky in that my in-laws are far away (Mexico)... I do love them, they are really sweet but cloying.
The hardest part is never being alone, after two weeks of that I want to run and hide! Maybe I should take up spelunking! I am a very independent person, and when we are there, I get no alone time at all. Can't even go to the store alone, it becomes a mass pilgrimage.
All the family speaks good English, except my mother in law, her English and my Spanish are equally rudimentary, so we can never really get into deep subjects (maybe that's a good thing).
And she does clean a lot too - at first I thought it was a criticism, but then I realized that she just wants to help. Dani, it certainly sounds like that isn't the case for you, I am amazed you haven't shot her yet! Maybe next time she starts with it, hand her a broom and say "Be my guest"?

 

[Amy Jeanne]

The hardest part is never being alone, after two weeks of that I want to run and hide! Maybe I should take up spelunking! I am a very independent person, and when we are there, I get no alone time at all. Can't even go to the store alone, it becomes a mass pilgrimage.

This is another thing that bugged me when they were here!!!! They would wake up the same time as us and go to bed at the same time. Little 5-minute trips to the market turned into a mass outing!

My in-laws are from England (as is my hubby) so when they visit they come and stay for one really long time (usually 6 weeks.) If they visited more frequently, but in smaller time frames, I think I'd handle it better.

 

[Dr Doran]

This is another thing that bugged me when they were here!!!! They would wake up the same time as us and go to bed at the same time. Little 5-minute trips to the market turned into a mass outing!

My in-laws are from England (as is my hubby) so when they visit they come and stay for one really long time (usually 6 weeks.) If they visited more frequently, but in smaller time frames, I think I'd handle it better.

This is a bigger issue -- some people just don't understand others' desire to be alone and independent. They feel that it is necessary to form a social bond as intensely as possible. By keeping at most 6 feet from you at all times. Often they come from countries where this is more the practice.

Whilst visiting Vilnius, Lithuania, we really wanted to go out and go to bars, see the town at night, etc. But all three nights we spent, we had to hang out with the wife's distant Lithuanian relatives and spend hours in an overheated apartment eating and drinking and listening to old men getting drunk and shouting incomprehensible things about Hitler, Stalin, and the Kaunas Massacres. And trying to confiscate a German war medallion I found for 15 bucks at a flea market. This would have been fine one night, but not all three. I know no Lithuanian, and some of them knew Polish so I could use my horrid Polish and get by. But what to discuss?

Best to let people do their own thing.

If in-laws understood this principle, the world would be a better place.

 

[Dr Doran]

And things are about to get worse with my in-laws. Due to an event less than two years ago, I stopped any involvement with religion and ralized that I was, in fact, an atheist and that I had been mentally bending over backwards to fit this fact into a position acceptable to the orthodoxy -- but alas, they are zealous Catholics and they will try to get me to believe in invisible beings ... I am not looking forward to the next time I see them.

Yikes. Dani, just be happy you don't have THAT problem to deal with!

 

[Lola Getz]

First and a half advice: jog a lot. Unless they jog and want to jog with you

Oh my, that is the funniest thing ever! When my MIL visited for 8 days (192 hours!!!) I walked the dogs so much even they were exhausted and just wanted a nap.

If it makes you feel any better, I've been told by my MIL that she hated me and I ruined her life and she then subsequently asked, "Why doesn't Lola come to visit?" Huh. :eusa_doh:

My suggestions echo Doran's: lie. Pretend. I always feel I deserve a bloody Oscar after she visits. I scrub every dish, every corner, never let anyone get anything themselves, and generally act like Mother Therasa on crack. If she brings up something grossly offensive (which is often), I interupt and say, "Let's play a game!" Works like a charm. She has a habit of just bursting into a room (like when you're in your bedroom with the door closed) so finally I put the treadmill against the door. lol I know, Im awful.

 

[Dr Doran]

Oh my, that is the funniest thing ever! When my MIL visited for 8 days (192 hours!!!) I walked the dogs so much even they were exhausted and just wanted a nap.

If it makes you feel any better, I've been told by my MIL that she hated me and I ruined her life and she then subsequently asked, "Why doesn't Lola come to visit?" Huh. :eusa_doh:

My suggestions echo Doran's: lie. Pretend. I always feel I deserve a bloody Oscar after she visits. I scrub every dish, every corner, never let anyone get anything themselves, and generally act like Mother Therasa on crack. If she brings up something grossly offensive (which is often), I interupt and say, "Let's play a game!" Works like a charm. She has a habit of just bursting into a room (like when you're in your bedroom with the door closed) so finally I put the treadmill against the door. lol I know, Im awful.

No, I find you quite brilliant.

As for people bursting in, or breaking any other rule. The thing to do is to have a very serious (not aggressive, just somber) chat with them in which you explain to them the HORRIBLE THING that happened which has caused you yourself to follow that rule and to insist on others following it.

"I always knock. And I insist on others knocking. Why? Because once I saw someone changing his colostomy bag because I didn't knock. It didn't bother me -- it just looked like (insert gross thing). But it bothered him. Because he didn't want anyone to know about the fact that he had had a colostomy. Naturally I didn't tell anyone, but he was so horrified he never talked to me or to my family again. And he was a great guy. He later became a politician, and a good one, and he's rather famous. No, I cannot tell you who it was." Etc.

 

[Joie DeVive]

lol Oh goodness, I know just where you are at! lol

My Mother-in-law is "special" to put it kindly. I too was the evil woman who stole my MIL's "little boy". I also starve him, and am responsible for anything done that she doesn't like. Our joint choice that I stay home for the time being, and soon (hopefully) with our kids is my "manipulating" my husband and working him into an early grave.
She can be very generous, but every gift comes with strings, expectations and basic headaches. I'm to the point that I don't want to accept anything from her anymore.
She wants to control every aspect of our relationship. Before we got married, she kept sending us classified listings for apartments near her. After we got married, she kept telling us how "she wasn't ready to be a grandmother yet". She even constantly sends my husband information on new careers that she thinks he should go into.:eusa_doh:

One of the reasons we moved from CA to CO is that we just couldn't take it anymore.

And it is especially heartbreaking to me since my own mother had such a wonderful relationship with her in-laws. They even said if my parents ever split up she could come live with them .lol

For the short term I can agree with Doran's suggestion to lie and do whatever is needed to shut the in-laws up, but if they are moving near you, that might not be the best way to go, because you don't want to live your life that way on a permanent basis. That's one of the reasons I couldn't take it. I did everything I could and bent over backwards to please my husband's family, and it was never enough. It was miserable and I was depressed all the time. It started to take a toll on my self-worth. Things have improved enormously since I stood up, claimed my own home and developed the attitude that I am who I am and it is what it is. I am the alpha female in my own home. I will accommodate her, but only to a point. And when she goes too far, we sit down and have a "come to Jesus" talk where I tell her nicely how I am feeling and what I want from her.

To each their own, and what works for one, may not work for another, but I couldn't take being a failure of a Stepford wife on a daily basis. [huh]

 

[Dr Doran]

For the short term I can agree with Doran's suggestion to lie and do whatever is needed to shut the in-laws up, but if they are moving near you, that might not be the best way to go, because you don't want to live your life that way on a permanent basis. That's one of the reasons I couldn't take it. I did everything I could and bent over backwards to please my husband's family, and it was never enough. It was miserable and I was depressed all the time. It started to take a toll on my self-worth. Things have improved enormously since I stood up, claimed my own home and developed the attitude that I am who I am and it is what it is. I am the alpha female in my own home. I will accommodate her, but only to a point. And when she goes too far, we sit down and have a "come to Jesus" talk where I tell her nicely how I am feeling and what I want from her.

To each their own, and what works for one, may not work for another, but I couldn't take being a failure of a Stepford wife on a daily basis. [huh]

Excellent points, Joie, and a very important distinction that you are making! That's why the stern staredown routine might work better than the faking-being-perfect routine.

 

[Joie DeVive]

Excellent points, Joie, and a very important distinction that you are making! That's why the stern staredown routine might work better than the faking-being-perfect routine.

Doran, thanks, and I did forget to mention that you are right about that type of stare.
Body language is incredibly powerful. To stand up really straight, keep your shoulders up sends a real message. And if you have to practice strong or stern expressions in the mirror don't feel silly. I've also been known to rehearse or role-play out conversations with the MIL when I don't feel confident enough about it.

 

[Dr Doran]

Doran, thanks, and I did forget to mention that you are right about that type of stare.
Body language is incredibly powerful. To stand up really straight, keep your shoulders up sends a real message. And if you have to practice strong or stern expressions in the mirror don't feel silly. I've also been known to rehearse or role-play out conversations with the MIL when I don't feel confident enough about it.

Very smart. Very, very smart. Now tell us how you eat on $25 a week on that other thread and my already high impression of you will rise far into the ionosphere.

 

[Babydoll]

I guess I'm very much in the minority. My in-laws are great (and 2000 miles away!). They love me, and they're pretty cool to be around. The Mister loves my parents, too. In fact, he and Dad gang up on me (in a good way), and Mom always giggles when he's around, and thinks he's cute.

Yeah, I'll say I'm lucky.

 

[Foofoogal]

From an old broad.

I married the only boy and baby. My MIL I came to understand would not of been happy with the queen of England for her son. In early years I actually one time took my ring off and told her she could have him back. I told her at the time she better be nice to me in case I had to take care of her one day.
Well, this is actually what happened. After my FIL died we took her in and made an apt. for her in our home.
What I came to understand after my only son married and I became a MIL it comes around.
I actually used to say I didn't want any wimpy girl marrying my son who would fall apart at the seams the first time something happened. I didn't care how pretty or rich she was. I just wanted to know she was strong and would defend her family and take care of my grandchildren. I used to tell my son this when he was dating. I also told him to find one that would keep his children clean.
So basically it ended up with me loving my MIL dearly and being heartbroken when she passed as she had become like a mother and me now respecting my DIL as my son listened well.
They have been married for 10 years and I even told her the other day I have her back and if I see some girl flirting with my son they are not only threatening their marriage but my grandbabies security. Hey. lol
I honestly look back and know this was how my MIL looked at it also. She told me after the kids were grown I did a better job than her daughters with their children. Now that was something. lol

Oh, and my parents told me when I married my honey I should get on my hands and knees and thank the Lord for such a good man. Hey, what was I? Swiss cheese?
Being around men all my life I can spot a good one and bad one a mile away. I got the best.

I discovered I could be mean to his mom all day but it only hurt him as it is cruel to make one choose between a mom and spouse.