Do people reciprocate your dinner invitations?

[John in Covina]

While I have lots of friend who have dinner parties I never reciprocate for many reasons. The main being i live in a small warehouse that has a kitchen that is all of a hot plate, toaster over and a microwave. I do have a pretty full bar so I have them over for cocktails often. Besides most of my friends that have had my cooking never ask for seconds.

you can always pick up a pizza or get some take-out.

 

[sheeplady]

At first when I read this, I was thinking, of course I want people to invite me!

I don't expect them to reciprocate invite per invite. I don't need to go to their house, I don't need them to pay, I just like to feel that they appreciate the friendship and want to socialize by extending an invitation to do something together. If I'm the only one who ever suggests going out or coming to dinner or seeing each other, I'm going to get self-conscious pretty quick.

But then I thought about it: in my career, there's going to be a lot of entertaining that will never be reciprocated. I don't expect my students to invite me to parties (in most cases that might make me uncomfortable if they are drinking fests.) If I hold the departmental party I don't expect everyone to invite me to their events, because that's a business function. I could very well be the best of friends with everyone in the room, but I'm not just hosting a dinner party for friends, it is a work function, and in that case it is more like we are "coworkers" or "teacher/students" first and "friends" second.

 

[Angus Forbes]

While I have lots of friend who have dinner parties I never reciprocate for many reasons. The main being i live in a small warehouse that has a kitchen that is all of a hot plate, toaster over and a microwave. I do have a pretty full bar so I have them over for cocktails often. Besides most of my friends that have had my cooking never ask for seconds.

I think that an invitation for cocktails is perfectly fine, and serves quite well as "reciprocation."

 

[John in Covina]

But then I thought about it: in my career, there's going to be a lot of entertaining that will never be reciprocated. I don't expect my students to invite me to parties (in most cases that might make me uncomfortable if they are drinking fests.) If I hold the departmental party I don't expect everyone to invite me to their events, because that's a business function. I could very well be the best of friends with everyone in the room, but I'm not just hosting a dinner party for friends, it is a work function, and in that case it is more like we are "coworkers" or "teacher/students" first and "friends" second.

That's the diference between business and friends in your personal life. At work we often have a different type of expectations regarding a celebration or activity as reward for a good year or job well done.

With friends there is a sense of showing appreciation that goes beyond burping at the table. As I said I am currently not able to recipricate as i'd like but i try to bring something to share for the party or for the hosts.

Even a simple thank you note shows the recognition.

 

[CadetSF]

I definitely stopped inviting some of my friends to dinner parties over a similar issue as the OP. I'm not expecting quid pro quo but they never ever even invited me over for a beer and they would ask me "Why haven't you had a dinner party?" (A compliment, yes, but they in no way were thinking about money, time, and effort that went into these things) It works fine now that I scaled things back and share these events with people who are at a similar place in life as me.

 

[steve the hat guy]

Actually no, not very often. We love to have people over and everyone ays they love it, but there are only a few close friends that will invite us over. I asked a few people and they said they were afraid to cook for us because they knew we really know how to cook and would be disappointed. I told them it was about being with friends and eating, but still some wont do it.

 

[jamespowers]

Actually no, not very often. We love to have people over and everyone ays they love it, but there are only a few close friends that will invite us over. I asked a few people and they said they were afraid to cook for us because they knew we really know how to cook and would be disappointed. I told them it was about being with friends and eating, but still some wont do it.

Well, those people who can't cook etc, would likely give you an evening of misery anyway so count yourself lucky there.

 

[Rathdown]

In the eight months since this thread was launched, we've had five dinner parties, and attended four, with a fifth coming up next week, so on balance we're even, even though not all of our guests have reciprocated. I don't worry about dinner party reciprocity as much as I do dinner party conviviality...

 

[Angus Forbes]

My cousin, who is in his mid-60's, is a Protestant clergyman. I asked him recently about dinner invitations (just invitations, not concerning the question of reciprocation). He said that he and his wife received frequent invitations early in his ministry, but not so much anymore, although they still receive occasional invitations to restaurants from parishioners able to afford this kind of thing. Seems that entertaining at home may be becoming a lost art ( I guess there's no news there).

 

[Atticus Finch]

It just occurred to me that this thread contemplates “Dinner Party” in a more formal sense than what typically happens at my house. Jackie and I only occasionally host sit down dinners and that’s usually for family. On the other hand, we host oyster roasts, bratwurst parties (Jackie is a Sconnie) and fish fries frequently through out the year. I’m guessing thirty or thirty five people came to our last oyster roast…most of those being couples. But if each couple reciprocated, that would tie up my Friday or Saturday nights for fifteen weekends. I don't know about y'all, but if I’m out catching fish or hunting birds or whatevering, the last thing I want to do is cut my Saturday afternoon short so I can get ready for a dinner party. I think I’d be just as happy if folks just came to my parties, had a good time, and didn’t worry about reciprocating.

AF

 

[jill]

What can I say -A woman who regularly hosts dinners does not reciprocate the several dinners I have hosted and she has attended. Feeling excluded and left out.

 

[GHT]

What can I say -A woman who regularly hosts dinners does not reciprocate the several dinners I have hosted and she has attended. Feeling excluded and left out.

Don't feel excluded, someone who has been guests of your's, ate your food, drank your wine,enjoyed the ambiance of your party, but who now feel that your companionship is not valued enough to invite you to one of their soirées, is beneath contempt, airbrush them from your life.
Whilst a reciprocation shouldn't be expected, having seen how much skill an effort that you went to in order to make your guests feel welcome, it really is impolite to tune you out of their guest list.
Hold your head up, their loss. Friendship is a cherished gift, given freely, those that snub it cannot expect you to walk over hot coals in order to please them. Or perhaps they are so full of themselves that is exactly what they expect you to do.

 

[jill]

you can always pick up a pizza or get some take-out.

She recently moved to our building and her long time mutual friend in my building introduced us. He and she get together for home cooked dinners once or twice a week. He initially was new to the building and kept inviting me for home cooked dinners. I started reciprocating and including
both of them. Now neither of them reciprocate and he regularly tells me how tired he is of cooking???
He wants to talk by phone and won't meet me for coffee. We are both in our 60s and he has a gentleman friend. A friend suggested I tell him how excluded I feel. I simply won't go there!
The only behavior I can control is mine.

 

[wgnovak]

My wife and I have hosted several dinner parties every year for nearly 15 years and I with former wives and by my self for over 40 years.
Depending on the party the guest list usually ranges from three or four couples at the dining table to 20 to 30 people at a more informal buffet or barbecue.

It is my experience in the mid west that reciprocal invitations are exceedingly rare.
We are invited to one or two parties at the most every year. Most want to enjoy parties but we believe do not want to spend the time and effort giving parties .Others are we believe oblivious of polite society and can only think of their own enjoyment and not that of others.

We invite others because we like to entertain over food,drink and good conversation. We are never upset nor annoyed by the lack of a reciprocal invitation but believe that it is odd.

I do not refer to those who really would like to invite others but do not have the space ,although it does not require much space to invite another couple over nor does it rquire much talent for a simple meal,be it prepared in ones kitchen or a take out or even just a glass of wine or tea or coffee. When I was young and in a small apartment in NYC I did it as did many that I knew.

Some say it’s difficult with children. We have a ten and a thirteen year old and entertained when the children were very young and were able to cope with out much problems.

Some say people are more busy. My business’s,investments,civic and charitable work does not make me less busy than others and is a poor excuse.

When living in the southern US we received many invitations…almost too many. We found most southerners very hospitable. They seem the opposite of midwesterner’s We had a similar experience in Texas of an abundance of gracious friends and aquaintance’s.

In Thailand our second home we also receive many invitations. The invitations come from all. Some on the spur of the moment The invitations do not relate to wealth or social status but to people who are happy to have others over to share food,drinks and friendship.

I also find it odd that many in the midwest as I also hear occurs in parts of California might accept an invitation only to not show up. Others do not respond to the invitation and then show up. Some arrive late. If one brings a small token gift it is very atypical.

I have as many of you seen this as mostly an aberration of this century. Perhaps it is the norm for some in the midwest but I believe when talking to others it is quite wide spread.

I think that many especially in the generation of 30’s to 50’s in the US excepting in a few locales are politely put socially inept, self centered and a bit greedy.

 

[Angus Forbes]

OP here from September of 2011. So many interesting responses. Many thanks to all!

Any further thoughts?

 

[Fosinett]

My paternal grandparents used to host dinner as well as tea time invitations. Some of the invited could not always come due to restrictional conditions of real life such as distance.

E.g. Some lived in Southern Sweden and thus it was not reasonable to expect anything other than a humble decline. However, invites was still sent out of courtesy.

Those who accepted in pretty much every case brought a gift with them to show their appreciation even though no such thing had ever been mentioned. They did so on own accord.

Having grown up around them I can safely conclude that they did receive reciprocal invitations, although they were few. They brought gifts whenever invited as well on their own accord.

The reason I think there was few reciprocal invitations was due to scope of ability in the kitchen as well as unsuitable environments to host guests. Just a thought that I want to believe, however, things speaks against it.

The reason I say that is namely because of the people invited. They did not exactly belong amongst the middle class or working class. One would like to think that they had a suitable environment to host guests. I might be wrong and will never know.

The main thing not to do:
Personally I consider not showing up despite having accepted an invitation to be insolent enough for me to compare it with a slap to the face.

There will of course always be times when someone does not have the ability to amend the accepted invitation due to unforseeable events and that is indeed unfortunate. Things of that nature can be dealt with in afterhand.