Do people reciprocate your dinner invitations?

[PrettySquareGal]

I care if they reciprocate. I don't keep a score card per se, but I don't want anyone in my life who is only interested in feeding off of me, so to speak. Reciprocation doesn't have to be a dinner for a dinner, but there does need to be some kind of reciprocity. Otherwise I'd feel like my generosity is being exploited.

Now I know the meaning of generous is to not expect anything in return, but I save that kind of selfless altruism for volunteer work and community service.

To answer the original question, many have not and I no longer invite them over.

 

[V.C. Brunswick]

I have finally resolved myself to the fact that some of my Fiends are incapable of entertaining, the last time someone asked me to Luncheon it turned out to be a bowl of Soup, really, I ask you?, soup is something you have at 3.00 am in winter when you come home from a Masquerade Ball!

Some years back I seem to recall reading in the paper an interview with a prominent attorney who had lots of very wealthy clients. According to the attorney, one of his clients invited him over to discuss some legal matters over lunch. This particular client was old money rich and lived in a big mansion. Lunch turned out to be nothing more than Campbell's tomato soup! Though it was served on expensive china!

 

[scottyrocks]

I think it can go back to childhood. There were always kids whose houses we always went to, and kids whose houses we never went to. I, except for very occasionally, fell into the second category. That, in turn, could have set a pattern in later life. I'm okay with throwing small get-togethers, but I'd rather go elsewhere.

In our group of friends, there are people whose homes seem to be the more regular gathering spots. One n particular is a most gracious hostess. She has a career, but she is also totally into her cooking, and her husband does the barbecue thing, just as most of us do when we have our parties. Also, everyone brings something, whether it be food or drink or both.

There is definitely not a one-to-one reciprocity, but we all do a party every so often. Everyone seems fine with it that way. Some people are just more natural hosts.

 

[Marzena]

I care if they reciprocate. I don't keep a score card per se, but I don't want anyone in my life who is only interested in feeding off of me, so to speak. Reciprocation doesn't have to be a dinner for a dinner, but there does need to be some kind of reciprocity. Otherwise I'd feel like my generosity is being exploited.

.

I have been pondering this question ever since I first saw it. The problem I have with people who never reciprocate in any way is this: is it really healthy to cultivate an acquintance which is that one sided? Is it that in reality I need certain people much more than they need me - and they read it? I seem to detect a weird feeling of others believing that they oblige. Am I perhaps just keeping up an illusion of social life?

I do wonder what to think of people who always accept invitations - so presumably have a good time and enjoy themselves - but never ever suggest anything themselves. I hear a lot about the pressures of modern life, but I guess those work both ways: obviously no one is too busy to miss my parties, so why would they always be too busy for a very occasional coffee date at a cafe? with no effort whatever involved?

If you think I am being petty minded , what sort of attitude that may signal? If I could understand it, maybe I would not feel so anxious. Thank you for your thoughts.

 

[John in Covina]

Dinner parties are still done by some of my friends and they do keep score in a sense. Many people have not been schooled in the concept social niceties. Watch at parties: Do People show up completely empty handed or do they bring something for either the hosts or for the party. I try never to show up empty handed, bringing wine or a great beer or dessert or snacks or something goes a long way to say I appreciate the time and effort you have gone thru. Many people come to be served, chow down and expect dessert, not expect but silently demand dessert. Here in So Cal I find that there is a whole class of people that show up late, or won't show up at all. makes it tough to plan for 10 and only 4 actually come on time. on the bro's inlaws side: All parties must be buffet types as no one can come at 3pm to sit down to dinner they come at 4-11pm as their whims suit them.

We live in an age where members of the wedding party can't be bothered to call to say they won't make it because they have something better to do that weekend. how can you expect them to have get together as a quid pro quo.

 

[Angus Forbes]

Not many social relationships are completely symmetrical. Also, it seems to me that it takes some time to determine whether someone you are attempting to cultivate has a compatible personality, or in the extreme whether they are socially dysfunctional. So keeping a one-for-one scorecard of who owes an invitation to whom is probably not a good idea. On the other hand, if the other person is not responsive after a few tries on our part, then we drop the relationship and move on. Some people are simply moochers, and neither you nor I need them in our lives. They are not going to reciprocate our invitations, although they will gladly accept free drinks and a good meal if they don't have anything else to do. Phooey with them!

 

[Tomasso]

I try never to show up empty handed, bringing wine or a great beer or dessert or snacks or something goes a long way to say I appreciate the time and effort you have gone thru.

Yes, I too always bring a gift for the host, which they can either put away for themselves or share with the party. This way I feel that the burden of reciprocity has been lifted from me as I have essentially paid for my attendance. Mind you, that's not to say that the hosts won't receive an invitation in the future, only that I won't feel that there is a pressing need for a debt to be repaid.

 

[Yeps]

When I invite people over it is generally very casual, probably for a plate of spaghetti or something like that. Yes, sometimes the favor is reciprocated, but it is by no means expected. I invite people over because I enjoy their company and want to share a meal. I much prefer cooking for a few friends than for myself.

Also, what is wrong with soup? Growing up we had soup for dinner at least once a week, usually Wednesdays. I don't see any reason why a bowl of soup should be disregarded as far as hospitality is concerned. Sure it is not a fancy four course meal, but it is the communal breaking of bread that is the essence of the thing, not a tally card of who puts on the most lavish soiree.

 

[Tomasso]

This particular client was old money rich and lived in a big mansion. Lunch turned out to be nothing more than Campbell's tomato soup! Though it was served on expensive china!

Had you lunched with John D. Rockefeller Jr. back in the day you would have been served graham crackers and milk; mind you, the milk was mother's milk produced by a stable of wet nurses.

 

[Angus Forbes]

Yes, I too always bring a gift for the host . . . This way I feel that the burden of reciprocity has been lifted from me as I have essentially paid for my attendance. Mind you, that's not to say that the hosts won't receive an invitation in the future, only that I won't feel that there is a pressing need for a debt to be repaid.

I would like to express my personal opinion about this: When I invite you for dinner, I am making a gesture of friendship. If you view my invitation as something that encumbers you with a debt, that the matter of reciprocity is a burden rather than a privilege, and that this burden is lifted by your bringing a gift, then we have wasted each other's time. I would very much prefer that you decline my invitation.

 

[jamespowers]

Had you lunched with John D. Rockefeller Jr. back in the day you would have been served graham crackers and milk; mind you, the milk was mother's milk produced by a stable of wet nurses.

That had to do with whole replaced stomach thing eh?

 

[Tomasso]

If you view my invitation as something that encumbers you with a debt, that the matter of reciprocity is a burden rather than a privilege, and that this burden is lifted by your bringing a gift, then we have wasted each other's time. .

And yet, those who don't reciprocate you call moochers......

Some people are simply moochers, and neither you nor I need them in our lives.

I would very much prefer that you decline my invitation.

After reading your last few posts I wouldn't dream of accepting your invitation. I would not find it pleasant to be " someone you are attempting to cultivate ."

 

[Angus Forbes]

Lyles - of course, we don't know each other, and will likely never meet. So my contribution addresses you only in the abstract, perhaps as an archetype. There is no need to take any of it personally. Regarding the awkward wording of my earlier post, all I can say is that I try to do the best that I can, and the word "cultivate" happened to come to mind at the moment. Perhaps an unfortunate choice. More generally, though, I imagine that the Hollywood culture and what people value in Hollywood are quite different from the norms here in North Carolina. To each his own! Best wishes -- Angus

 

[Tomasso]

the word "cultivate" happened to come to mind at the moment. Perhaps an unfortunate choice.

To me the use of the word in a social context screams "climber." Reminds me of an acquaintance who prides himself in "collecting" the best people for his dinner parties.

 

[Angus Forbes]

To me the use of the word in a social context screams "climber." Reminds me of an acquaintance who prides himself in "collecting" the best people for his dinner parties.

Good linguistic observation on your part, although anyone who knows me would laugh vigorously. Having reached a rather advanced age I have clumb as high as I ever envisioned without resorting to the kind of stuff suggested by your remark about collecting guests. Is there anything wrong with attempting to make new friends along the way? The French movie "Dinner Game" has yet another take on this . . .

 

[Miss Stella]

If I invite you for dinner, I am requesting that you come and enjoy not only the food here but the wit and conversation as well. I invite some people to get to know them better and some because I so very much enjoy their company. Now some of these folks enjoy dinner (or lunch, tea, cocktails) parties but not hosting them themseleves, for whatever reasons. I have been told by many they would rather come to my house and have The Mister cook them a lovely meal and to chat away the hours...I consider that compliment! If I don't feel like entertaining, I don't invite people over! Nothing too hard about that!
I have given many a gathering of friends and acquaintances over the years...if I insisted on "waiting" to be asked to their home before I asked them back to mine....lets just say in some instances, I'd be very old and gray before it would happen!

 

[John in Covina]

For me throwing a BBQ is the greatest thing in the world to do. I enjoy having people over when things can be done in a manner to my liking at my home. This involves sharing with others and as we all know many people were never socialized properly and they don't have any concept of sharing back. Service to others is not a consideration. That said for some it is not possible to recirocate. In this case a hearty handshake and thanks is enough. It may not be apparent the first time out but there are people that are simply takers. They go thru life with the attitude that it is most important to get all they can with the least expense of time or money or themselves. It is a consumption thing of quantity mostly. Iin the end, those that are involved in giving and serving others tends to come out with a much happier take on life. It's like this: I'd rather share a meal or great adult beverage with another than drink it on my own. On my own, I have no one to discuss the meal or beverage with.

 

[jamespowers]

For me throwing a BBQ is the greatest thing in the world to do. I enjoy having people over when things can be done in a manner to my liking at my home. This involves sharing with others and as we all know many people were never socialized properly and they don't have any concept of sharing back. Service to others is not a consideration. That said for some it is not possible to recirocate. In this case a hearty handshake and thanks is enough. It may not be apparent the first time out but there are people that are simply takers. They go thru life with the attitude that it is most important to get all they can with the least expense of time or money or themselves. It is a consumption thing of quantity mostly. Iin the end, those that are involved in giving and serving others tends to come out with a much happier take on life. It's like this: I'd rather share a meal or great adult beverage with another than drink it on my own. On my own, I have no one to discuss the meal or beverage with.

Or share a decent cigar or fine adult beverage with either.
I agree with you. I like BBQing at my house as well. I have everything where I can find it and I know what is in the humidor and what is behind the bar to work with.

 

[Cricket]

I enjoy a good BBQ as well. Mainly because it allows for my friends to bring their children with them as well. With two kids of our own, the kids can play in the yard, turn on the sprinkler, and just be kids while we adults cook and fellowship among each other.

My hubby and I enjoy entertaining, but the problem is that most of our friends would like to come alone for a formal dinner want to leave the kiddies with a sitter. Balancing sitters and evenings that work well with others who have a busy schedule have been the biggest obstacles for us with dinner parties.

But we try, try again...the end result is usually well worth the organization.

 

[djhatman]

While I have lots of friend who have dinner parties I never reciprocate for many reasons. The main being i live in a small warehouse that has a kitchen that is all of a hot plate, toaster over and a microwave. I do have a pretty full bar so I have them over for cocktails often. Besides most of my friends that have had my cooking never ask for seconds.