Conversation: A Lost Art

[Barbigirl]

Maybe my original post was a little hard to digest. I'll try again.

I try to converse with people, but often get a string of one-word or one-sentence answers. Does anyone else have this experience?

I admit I'm not a great conversationalist (I'm naturally taciturn) but I'm working on it. Any tips?

We posted at the same time, LadyStardust. I feel the same way: there's a difference between chatter and conversation.

I can completely relate to this. I refer to it as "people NOT bouncing the ball back in conversation" We had a little social event Saturday afternoon and one of the neighbors came by and I thought it would be a great opportunity to get to know her a little better. Every question I asked I got a one sentence or work reply and no return questions. It is very annoying.

 

[Matthew Dalton]

I wonder if perhaps our definitions of small-talk differ collectively? I think everyone can agree deep and meaningful conversation is great. But I don't think it's possible to just launch into it all the time. And often you'll need to chatter a bit leading up to it. Small-talk isn't necessarily unpleasant or even always inane, to a degree.

 

[TheKitschGoth]

I wonder if perhaps our definitions of small-talk differ collectively? I think everyone can agree deep and meaningful conversation is great. But I don't think it's possible to just launch into it all the time. And often you'll need to chatter a bit leading up to it. Small-talk isn't necessarily unpleasant or even always inane, to a degree.

Small talk as an intro to a conversation is great, one of the best ways to start talking to strangers. When the entire conversation is small talk though.. There really is only so much you can say about the weather/last nights soap opera.

 

[Ben]

The most important part of conversation is listening, which I think is what Mr. Carraway -- Mr. Jones, I mean -- was saying. But listening requires having a genuine interest in other people and what they have to say and not just looking for a building block to something you want to say.

If you listen, however, then you can find out all kinds of things about people and the world from what they say even when they are talking about what was on television last night.

I am like Novella, I just like talking to people for the most part, because potential exists in every human interaction. It is how you use that potential. Sometimes, I go into what my wife calls 'reporter mode' and ask a lot of questions. But that is how a minor question about someone's jacket on the bus turns into finding out about how they ran a marathon in antarctica and plan to run a marathon on every continent.

But Mathew Dalton is right to ask what people consider small talk. The conversation on this thread at some points sounds as though some folks just walk up and say something like "Do you think Socrates discourse in Book VI of thr Republic is accurate as it pertains to the corruption of the philosophical soul?"

I mean, I like Plato as much as the next guy, but at least say hello first.

 

[TheKitschGoth]

The conversation on this thread at some points sounds as though some folks just walk up and say something like "Do you think Socrates discourse in Book VI of thr Republic is accurate as it pertains to the corruption of the philosophical soul?"

You mean I shouldn't start a conversation like that? Damn.. so that's why noone talks to me.. lol

Actually.. now I really want to walk up to someone and say that, just for the reaction

 

[Paisley]

My reaction would be, "Um, I think you have me confused with somebody else." lol

I dislike sports small talk in particular. I don't follow sports and don't share the enthusiasm.

However, I think small talk can include things like, "Do you have children?" "Have you always lived around here?" "Do you like working downtown?" "Have they plowed your street?" "What do you do in your spare time?" Of course, these can elicit one-word answers, but (1) they are of interest to most people, yet not too personal, and (2) they're not all about me, me, me. I recently read a phrase I like: "Me, me, me is dull, dull, dull."

 

[Twitch]

I recall Ian Fleming once saying how he would rather mingle and converse with common folks at a pub instead of more upper classers. He mentioned that in England one might need years to break down the veneer of the stodgy, reserved seemingly uninteresting person to find out that they're true personality is just as dull.

But small talk is the only way to commence and stimulate conversation that leads to rewarding discussions with people that may have your same interests. I've been amazed at the varied and facinating interests people have and like to listen to them even if I don't share their passion.

 

[carebear]

As a salesman, one thing I'm in the habit of is not asking questions with "yes or no" answers, but rather "open ended" questions. They manipulate (not in a bad way) the responder into giving more information. Often, when folks aren't familiar with the mortgage process they will misrepresent what they're after and what their true financial position is. The key for me is to draw out the client to get a good idea of what they really want... so I can rip them off more completely. Just kidding.

In friendly conversation open-ended questions can achieve the same goals. Of course there are folks out there who can twist anything into a one or two word answer. [huh]

 

[Harp]

Have any of you observed that people have less conversation than they used to, and that conversational skills seem to be in decline?

There's a quote from Mme. de Stael, who called conversation "a means of reciprically and rapidly giving one another pleasure; of speaking just as quickly as one thinks; of spontaneously enjoying oneself; of being applauded without working...[A] sort of electricity that causes sparks to fly, and that relieves some people of the burden of their excess vivacity and awakens others from a state of painful apathy."

I've been searching for Germaine de Stael's Corinne.
(Out of print for one hundred ninety-seven years, but I will find it)

 

[happyfilmluvguy]

As a salesman, one thing I'm in the habit of is not asking questions with "yes or no" answers, but rather "open ended" questions. They manipulate (not in a bad way) the responder into giving more information.

This is how to properly interview someone.

I see many people conversing with each other. With the roar of a crowd in the lunch room, I can't say they aren't talking to each other.

The key to conversation is not to question, but to discuss.

 

[Matt Noir]

I do believe conversation is a dying art form. I love good conversation. I think part of the problem is the cell phone. Nearly everyone I know is "texting" all of the time. Even my friends and family text message me now and then. I respond to a text message with a phone call. I am always asked why I just do not reply with a text.

I also think that people do not really listen when engaged in conversation. Too many people are thinking about what they want to say next and are not really listening to the person talking.

I love getting together with friends and conversing. I am very conscious about leaning in and really listening to whomever is speaking at the time. There is nothing more rewarding than being in the company of friends or family...breaking bread and actually talking with one another.

Regards,

Matt

 

[ScionPI2005]

What annoys me is how the cell phone has changed conversational etiquette. It used to be that if you were speaking with someone and needed to break for some reason, it was appropriate to say "excuse me." Now, when the cell phone rings, people just stop talking and answer it, without so much as a "by your leave."

I caught myself do it last weekend and had to apologize to the woman I was conversing with.

It is my belief that the cell phone is both an ingenious invention, and a curse. First, the ability to contact a member of your family, a friend, or someone in an emergency (car accident, etc) is simply handy. I'm sure we can all think of times when having our cell phone on us has really made things convenient and easier.

It is a curse though as people are now forgetting how to be considerate. Everyone and their mother talks on their cell phone whenever, wherever, without a care in the world. In customer service, this can be aggravating. (I'm sure many a cashier gets tired of trying to serve people who pay more attention to their cell phone call than the task at hand) And what about those of us who hear random conversations of strangers right next to us? Do these folks really know that we don't want to really hear about their sister's eye operation?

I have a strict rule for my cell phone.
1) I don't answer it when I drive, PERIOD.
2) If I am at work, it is on vibrate and out of my pocket.
3) If I am in a quiet place, or a place where I am trying to get someone to help me, it is on vibrate, and I do not answer.

Some of my friends think I'm nuts and sort of rude in that I don't always answer my phone, but who says there's a rule that you always have to have your phone with you and answer it when it rings? If only more people could have proper cell phone manners and consideration for others.

 

[Leading Edge]

It all depends on how one defines conversation.

Conversation is about the communication of keeping company. Okay, I cheated and checked with Webster for that one Thus, cell phone chatter, the dramatic interchange of texting, celebrity gossiping, etc are all conversation.

Having acknowledged conventional wisdom IMHO, conversation is a process of conversant communication liberally laced with witty repartees, suitable beverages (read: coffee, beer, wine or brandy), comfortably cushy chairs and footrests, and mellow music.

Of that type of conversation there is woefully too little.

 

[MrNewportCustom]

I've recently noticed how difficult it can be to converse with my own family, let alone friends.

My mother always stressed that we not interrupt people while they speak. Now she's the worst at it, with the explanation, "I'm afraid I won't be able to get my thought in." My older brother is just as bad with this, and has an even more annoying habit: everytime he responds to anything anyone says, he turns the conversation onto himself. It doesn't matter with whom he's speaking, even strangers, but if you mention, for instance, that you're taking your car in for service, he'll start talking about the dificult time he had working on his.

I've given up on the "stop talking while I'm interrupting" rule. When someone interrupts my train of thought, I just continue speaking as though they haven't opened their mouth. Some people become visibly agitated. I've seen the corners of my mother's mouth turn down when I didn't submit to her interruption.

I admit that I am often guilty of turning a conversation upon myself (as I've done here) and interrupting, too, but I'm working to end, or at least reduce both. I'm doing pretty well with the interrrupting, so far.


Lee
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"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing." - Robery Benchley