Conversation: A Lost Art

[Paisley]

Have any of you observed that people have less conversation than they used to, and that conversational skills seem to be in decline?

There's a quote from Mme. de Stael, who called conversation "a means of reciprically and rapidly giving one another pleasure; of speaking just as quickly as one thinks; of spontaneously enjoying oneself; of being applauded without working...[A] sort of electricity that causes sparks to fly, and that relieves some people of the burden of their excess vivacity and awakens others from a state of painful apathy."

The Economist has an article called "Chattering Classes" (which that quote is from) about the history of conversation, including some of its golden ages (4th and 5th centuries B.C. in Athens and late 17th and early 18th centuries in France). The article also recommends some books including The Art of Civilized Conversation by Margaret Shepherd.

I also have a book called How to Talk with Practically Anyone about Practically Anything by Barbara Walters (written in 1970). It's good, but I suppose a person just has to practice.

 

[griffer]

Nearly an hour, and no one has chimed in on this.

Well, if that isn't indicative...[huh]


I truly enjoy conversing, but my mind often races ahead of my thoughts.

Then there is fucntional communication, which my wife says I fail at horribly.

I tend to be brusque when I want something. I tink it is efficient and direct; she says it comes across as rude and condescending.

I just smile down to her and pat her on her cute little head.

 

[LadyStardust]

I'm sorry I can't come up with some sort of long-winded, eloquent reply to this but I have to say:

I notice it isn't so much that the amount of conversation has decreased, it's the quality of it that has gone so ridiculously downhill. It drives me up the wall, because I work in an office, and while my co-workers are wonderful people, all they do, day in and day out is gossip, and chatter about things they've chattered about a million times before, and I just sit there thinking "Do you not get utterly bored with talking about the same things over and over again?!" That is part of the reason some people label me as "too quiet" sometimes. Because I don't like to engage in talking nonsense, just for the sake of talking. I like to be stimulated in conversation, to be excited about what I'm talking about with someone, to not have to deal with awkward pauses. It seems pointless to me otherwise. [huh]

 

[Paisley]

Maybe my original post was a little hard to digest. I'll try again.

I try to converse with people, but often get a string of one-word or one-sentence answers. Does anyone else have this experience?

I admit I'm not a great conversationalist (I'm naturally taciturn) but I'm working on it. Any tips?

We posted at the same time, LadyStardust. I feel the same way: there's a difference between chatter and conversation.

 

[LizzieMaine]

I think part of it's that there's simply *too many opportunities* for conversation nowadays -- with all the instantaneous doodads people carry around, every little trivial thought they have can be immediately expressed via cellphone or IM or whatever other gadget they might have on them. No wonder people run out of things to say when they actually have -- *gasp* -- actual face to face contact.

 

[Kim_B]

I hate small-talk, to the point that I will avoid it if I can. And like LadyStardust, I hate participating in the mundane office talk that always seems to revolve around "Did you hear so-and-so...?" I am often labeled as quiet and shy just because I'm not constantly jabbering about pointless things such as who is the best on American Idol or who-did-what on whichever reality show is most popular this season.

I love conversations that are meaningful, and where all participants willingly listen and hear what you're saying. I think the reason so many people don't hold lengthy conversations is because they are always multi-tasking: playing with their phones, hand-held games, etc. It honestly drives me buggy when I'm spending time with my cousin and her 16 year old friend who seems to be glued to her phone, text messaging her latest squeeze. She'll sit in the corner of the room, never saying a word - even when spoken to - pressing away at those little buttons! :eusa_doh:

 

[TheKitschGoth]

I'm another one who hates small talk. More so because I had friends at school who I could talk to for hours about religion/psychology/philosophy/mythology or dissecting books/films/songs. Now everyone I meet just wants to talk about what was on TV the night before/what bands they listen to/what they drank the night before. So I get labelled as antisocial and rude because I just cannot be entertained by it.

 

[carebear]

Small talk can get boring, but intelligent conversation takes a lot more effort nowadays than it seems it should.

Many people don't seem to "know" enough about many topics to hold up a conversation. For example, I'm hardly a photographer, but I took a course in high school and read voraciously, so at least I can ask someone who actually knows something about photography intelligent (hopefully) questions so I can learn more about them through how they talk about what they do. Their expertise and interest will provide the momentum to keep it interesting.

For that matter, there are a large group of people in our society who don't "do" anything. They consume entertainment, and can talk about the latest scandal sheet nonsense, but don't appear to have hobbies or interests that aren't job related. Even their job is "just a job", there's no passion in it. What do you talk about to such a person if you don't care who's not wearing panties or adopting Malawians? The old standby's of politics and such?

Unfortunately, opinions on many common topics, politics, economics, religion and the like, are so polarized it is hard to have a real conversation without almost immediately descending into an argument. Conversely, many of those opinions are not intelligently held and can't be defended by the holder, so you can't even discuss politely the thought process that got them there individually or the classical foundations of their position. They "read it online" or their "favorite celebrity said it" and that's that. When you know more about the other person's position than they do, what's the point in talking to them? Education maybe, but if they can't be bothered to learn themselves, are they worth spending time on?

 

[Fletch]

There are few people I can talk to IRL, and even fewer I would talk to.

Number one, most everybody I meet falls into 2 categories:
a) they can't talk about anything but work, family if any, sports, and mass media.
b) they can't - or worse, won't - talk about anything but work, money and the things it buys, and the hot this or the trendy that. If they toss up an idea, it's usually to flaunt their education and it's often either dry or unintelligible to me.
Nobody goes meta. Nobody dares risk humor or irony. Nobody ever says anything like "what if" or "I wish." Everybody seems happy, but unless a big event happens like a baby or a graduation, nobody shares their joy.

Number two, I am as jaded as they come, and until you show your true self a little, you are no better than an a) or a b) to me. [huh]

 

[Matthew Dalton]

I often feel like a total snob around people my age because I can't/won't talk to most of them. I don't expect genius, passion and meaning in everything everyone says. But it seems like at least eight out of ten teenagers can't even make small-talk that doesn't revolve around their immediate lives and what they did on the weekend.

 

[Feraud]

I note the proliferation of cell phones have contributed to the volume of non-conversations that occur.

 

[Steve]

I'm another who won't talk to too many people for this reason. I'm blessed enough to have about five friends that can have good conversations, but the rest are unable to get past the insipid garage band they formed. It definitely makes me crazy, and makes me want to go to a Lounge event all the more.

 

[imoldfashioned]

"a means of reciprically and rapidly giving one another pleasure; of speaking just as quickly as one thinks; of spontaneously enjoying oneself; of being applauded without working...[A] sort of electricity that causes sparks to fly, and that relieves some people of the burden of their excess vivacity and awakens others from a state of painful apathy."

What a wonderful description.

Like many of you, small talk or debate with the label "conversation" makes my teeth itch. But true conversation, with mutual listening, idea exploration and sharing is one of my great joys. In my experience it is rare to find someone who will carve out the time and attention necessary for a good conversation. Wish there were a club or some such where like minded souls could congregate in RL (because virtually we have the Lounge, of course!).

 

[Maj.Nick Danger]

So I'm not the only one after all?

I'm with y'all on this one 100 percent. I like nothing better than a deep conversation with a like minded person, but I fear we are in an ever shrinking minority.
I wonder if this is a world wide problem, or just a symptom of the flavor of the month, dim witted, military entertainment complex in this country? Or has our "culture" pervaded the entire globe?

 

[ENfield3-8303]

Real conversation is a rare thing, the vast majority of people I speak with (co-workers, mostly) endlessly repeat the same tired stories and recant bits and pieces of last nights' television shows. It is quite difficult to break them out of their routine, but I presist in trying anyway.
Just to see what will happen, I'll toss out some oddball idea now and again and see where it will lead to. Oddly enough, we've managed to get some entertaining and sometimes informative conversations going once people realize that I'm actually interested in their opinions, even if they are differnt than my own.

 

[Maj.Nick Danger]

I think a lot of people are actually shy about breaking away from the status quo, and appearing eccentric or weird to other people. So they just go with the flow and talk about whatever is safe to talk about.
I say to heck with the status quo! The weirder they think I am, the more I like it! lol If someone doesn't want to talk about quantum physics or extra terrestrials, then it's they who are weird.

 

[Lancealot]

I think a lot of people are actually shy about breaking away from the status quo, and appearing eccentric or weird to other people. So they just go with the flow and talk about whatever is safe to talk about.
I say to heck with the status quo! The weirder they think I am, the more I like it! lol If someone doesn't want to talk about quantum physics or extra terrestrials, then it's they who are weird.

Nick, I think you have hit the nail on the head. Most people are so concerned about fitting in they are afraid to voice an opinion that's "odd".

I'm grateful for the few close friends I have I can talk about anything with and this board where there are some really great people with different points of view to converse with.

 

[Mr. Rover]

I think I make an effort to voice appear eccentric...maybe not weird though.

 

[Hemingway Jones]

.

I can speak to just about anyone about just about anything. Although I am not interested in either celebrity gossip and trivia or sports, a great many people are and I do not fault them for it. In fact, I find it is often a gateway to more profound confidences that lie beyond it. To dismiss them so soon is to miss out on the revelations of the truer person that lies beyond.

I always think of that advice my father gave me, "Whenever you feel like criticizing someone, remember that not everyone in this world has had the advantages you've had," or something to that effect.

Where I will level my criticisms are at those who do not listen, who can not absorb what is being said or lack the inclination to. Rather than criticizing the topic of conversation, I would rather be glad that some wished to join me in conversation at all.

 

[scotrace]

It's one of the things that makes this joint so great. Simultaneous conversations about topics that fascinate me with 4000 good friends!