Clean Jokes

[Frunobulax]

 

[Zombie_61]

Why would you give a fig about that?

Rats. Now I have to try to remember to pick some up the next time I go grocery shopping...dunk 'em in my coffee...

 

[BobHufford]

Rats. Now I have to try to remember to pick some up the next time I go grocery shopping...dunk 'em in my coffee...

I read that before reading what you quoted. I thought you were talking about tacos.

 

[Zombie_61]

I read that before reading what you quoted. I thought you were talking about tacos.

I like tacos. I like coffee. I like to drink coffee while I'm eating tacos. But I wouldn't even be able to figure out the logistics for dipping tacos in coffee.

 

[Frunobulax]

Rats. Now I have to try to remember to pick some up the next time I go grocery shopping...dunk 'em in my coffee...

 

[Turnip]

 

[BobHufford]

 

[Trenchfriend]

"When you're 20, you're searching for a woman, which is able to f..k your mind away.

When you're 50, you're realizing, she was successful..."

 

[Turnip]

 

[Turnip]

 

[Herb Roflcopter]

 

[Turnip]

„Goose sold out“

 

[Turnip]

Advent by Loriot

The night is blue. The stars are blinking.
Little snowflakes sink quietly.
On Edeltännlein's green top
a small white tip piles up.

And there, through the window, breaks through
the dark fir a warm light.
In the forester's lodge, kneel by the shimmer of candles
the forester in the study.

That beautiful night
she killed the forester.
He was her home care
Been very in the way for a long time.

So she agreed with herself:
It has to be on Nicklaus evening.
And when the deer went to rest,
the little rabbit closed its eyes,

Killed her - right from the front
- the husband about the chimney and front sight.
Only the rabbit wrinkles when it bangs
two, three, four times the sniffing nose.

And rest sweetly in the dark
Meanwhile, the little stars twinkle comfortably.
And inside the parlor,
the forester's blood is running away.

Now the forester must hurry,
to divide the husband cleanly.
She quickly got him to the bone
set out according to Waidmann's custom.

She carefully lays link after link
- what the husband has avoided so far -
Retains a part of the fillet,
as a festive roast.

And finally pack - it goes up to four -
the leftovers in wrapping paper.
From afar it roars like silver bells.
Dogs can be heard barking in the village.

Who is it, the one in such a deep night?
still making its rounds in the snow?
Knecht Ruprecht comes with a golden sleigh
ridden up on a stag!

"Hey, good woman, do you still have things
make the poor people happy? "
The forester's house is covered in snow,
but his wife is already ready:

"The six packages, holy man,
it's all I can give! "
The silver bells sound softly.
Knecht Ruprecht sets out on the trip.

The candle burns in the forester's house.
A star flashes: It's Advent.

The original, just in case:

Advent Von Loriot

Es blaut die Nacht. Die Sternlein blinken.
Schneeflöcklein leise niedersinken.
Auf Edeltännleins grünem Wipfel
häuft sich ein kleiner weißer Zipfel.

Und dort, vom Fenster her durchbricht
den dunklen Tann' ein warmes Licht.
Im Forsthaus kniet bei Kerzenschimmer
die Försterin im Herrenzimmer.

In dieser wunderschönen Nacht
hat sie den Förster umgebracht.
Er war ihr bei der Heimespflege
seit langer Zeit schon sehr im Wege.

So kam sie mit sich überein:
Am Nicklausabend muß es sein.
Und als das Rehlein ging zur Ruh',
das Häslein tat die Augen zu,

Erlegte sie - direkt von vor'n
- den Gatten über Kimm' und Korn.
Vom Knall geweckt rümpft nur der Hase
zwei-, drei-, viermal die Schnuppernase.

Und ruhet weiter süß im Dunkeln,
Derweil die Sternlein traulich funkeln.
Und in der guten Stube drinnen,
da läuft des Försters Blut von hinnen.

Nun muß die Försterin sich eilen,
den Gatten sauber zu zerteilen.
Schnell hat sie ihn bis auf die Knochen
nach Waidmanns Sitte aufgebrochen.

Voll Sorgfalt legt sie Glied auf Glied
- was der Gemahl bisher vermied -
Behält ein Teil Filet zurück,
als festtägliches Bratenstück.

Und packt zum Schluß - es geht auf vier -
die Reste in Geschenkpapier.
Da dröhnt's von fern wie Silberschellen.
Im Dorfe hört man Hunde bellen.

Wer ist's, der in so tiefer Nacht
im Schnee noch seine Runde macht?
Knecht Ruprecht kommt mit goldenem Schlitten
auf einem Hirsch herangeritten!

»Heh, gute Frau, habt ihr noch Sachen,
die armen Menschen Freude machen?«
Des Försters Haus ist tief verschneit,
doch seine Frau steht schon bereit:

»Die sechs Pakete, heil'ger Mann,
's ist alles, was ich geben kann!«
Die Silberschellen klingen leise.
Knecht Ruprecht macht sich auf die Reise.

Im Försterhaus die Kerze brennt.
Ein Sternlein blinkt: Es ist Advent.

 

[BobHufford]

 

[Turnip]

 

[Zombie_61]

 

[Frunobulax]

I bought a thesaurus the other day, only to get home and find all the pages are blank.

I can't find the words to tell you how angry I am.

 

[Herb Roflcopter]

 

[Frunobulax]

I walked into the liquor store today and the clerk asked me if I needed help.

I said, "Yes, but I decided to come here instead."

——--------------------------------------------------------------

If I declare my personal pronouns to be they/them, can I drive in the HOV lane?

 

[LostInTyme]

After days of consultation, hours of trepidation and several re-arrangements, I believe I have finally reached fung shui in my outdoor living space.