Clean Jokes

[GHT]

Coming home from our Covid vaccine my wife said: "Ooh look, there's that barn you took me behind fifty years ago." Then a saucy grin crossed her face, "come on," she said, "for old times sake." "You can't," I replied, disapprovingly, "someone might see us." "It didn't bother you fifty years ago," she retorted, "besides, it's dark and with Covid, it's deserted."
What could I do? Come on then. A quarter of an hour later we emerged from behind the barn. "Wow," she said, "just wow, you're a dark horse, if I had known that you perform better outdoors I would have dragged you out long ago."
"And if I had known that an electric fence had been installed behind the barn since last time, I wouldn't have gone there," I replied, still trembling.

 

[tonyb]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[BobHufford]

 

[GHT]

Ladies, ask your fellow if he remembers what today is..............I tell you, scaring men is easy.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

 

[Trenchfriend]

Young kid at the North Sea Coast is asked by a wanderer.

"Hi, why you are so alone, out here? Where's your mum?"

"She was knocked down by the tractor."

"Oh my. And where's your dad?"

"He was knocked down by the tractor."

"Um, so your all alone, now? What are you doing most of the time??"

"Driving the tractor."

 

[Frunobulax]

Saturday Morning Toons...

 

[GHT]

In order to kick start the economy and the hospitality trade in particular, pubs are to reopen. But to gain entry I have to get an app on my phone. Fat lot of good that is, the flex won't stretch from my house to the pub.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

To commiserate the end of his marriage a man bought himself a brand new red Ferrari. Top down, he decided to see just what the car would do. As he pulled out onto the freeway the speedometer instantly jumped to 90mph & out of nowhere there appeared a set of flashing red lights behind him. As the speedometer passed 100, then 120mph he thought to himself there's no way that cop can catch me! But then reality set in, he slowed down & pulled over.

After doing a license & registration check the officer walked up to the Ferrari & said, "Sir, this has been a long hard day, it's Friday the end of my shift, & I don't want any more hassles. If you have a really good excuse I've never heard before for how fast you were driving I'll let you slide."

Thinking quickly the man replied, "I just divorced my wife of 20 yrs for running off with a police officer, & I thought you were trying to give her back!"

To which the officer replied, "Enjoy your new Ferrari, & have a nice weekend!"

 

[Frunobulax]

Saturday Morning Toons...

The scary part about the one below is this was a good portion of my major in college!

 

[1967Cougar390]

I hate when people say “it’s a quarter til 9”
Why don’t they just say it’s 8:75

 

[Trenchfriend]

Germany (mostly):

Three-quarter nine.

 

[Trenchfriend]

A guy sits on the beach and looks on the ocean. Another guy walks by and says:

"Hi, what are you doing, here?"

"I just enjoy the view".

"You can catch a fish".

"Catch a fish?"

"Yeah, you can catch a fish and sell it. You could catch more fish and make enough money to get you a boat. Then you could sail out and catch so much more fish! You could make so much money until you could buy you a big fish-trawler and build your own factory. You will catch masses over masses of fish and you can process it to so many products. The people would love it! They would all buy your stuff and you will even deliver it to so many places and the people can't get enough of your goods! You will become richer and richer.
You will become so rich, that you could sit here in the sun all day long!"

"Um, but I already do, you see?"

""

 

[Frunobulax]

Saturday Morning Toons...

 

[Trenchfriend]

GDR times. Two old friends meet on the street. One is more or less dumb.

"MAN, OLD BOY! How are you??"

"Fine, old comrade!! But I must tell you something, that happened yesterday!! Believe it or not!
In the fornoon, I came through the central city and it was unbelievable! There was so much stuff available on the market, wash machine, tools, kitchen devices, mopeds, paint, whatever you can imagine!!

"Wow! Was it HO or Konsum?"

"I don't know really. Must have been a new company. There was a flapping banner, painted with TOMBOLA."

 

[Trenchfriend]

GDR, carneval time. Two heavy drunk, old comrades sit on a table and chat.

"Maaan, I need roofing felt for my chicken-house. All they got, but no roofing felt, damn...
Yesterday evening, I went to bed and in the middle of the night, the bell suddenly rang!"

"In the middle of the night??"

"Yeah man, in the middle of the night, the little ring-ring rings..."

"Ah, I know, someone with roofing felt!!"

"Nah. A love couple leaned on our doorbell. And now it rang so jerky.

"And how it went on?"

But THEN, I thundered a whole tub of water down!
Then my wife came up, wet all over..."

 

[Trenchfriend]

Newspaper-annonce:

"I'm looking for winter-spa town for my mother-in-law, with avalanche risk!"

 

[Trenchfriend]

"Why are eggs-sunny-side-up costing more than scrambled eggs, in a restaurant?

The first you can recount!"

 

[Benny Holiday]

 

[Rmccamey]

The Lego stores have now reopened after Covid. Customers were lined up for blocks.