Clean Jokes

[nice hat dude!]

Thought for the day,

 

[nice hat dude!]

Ok one for the Ladies,

 

[nice hat dude!]

Sorry I Thought It Was Cute,

 

[nice hat dude!]

It's going to be one of those days,

 

[nice hat dude!]

Sorry,

I got had also!!

 

[jamespowers]

Sorry,

I got had also!!

[video=youtube_share;dQw4w9WgXcQ]http://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ[/video]

 

[Zombie_61]

Frank and Ben are in the parking lot of the local Country Club preparing for their usual Saturday morning round of golf when a funeral procession begins to pass by. Frank turns in the direction of the road, removes his cap, and places it over his heart. After the last car has passed, Frank returns to his preparations. Ben says, "Y'know Frank, that was a nice thing to do." Frank replies, "Well, I was married to her for 46 years..."



A duck walks into a drug store and asks for a tube of Chapstick. The clerk asks, "Will that be cash or charge?" The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill."



A blind man walks into a drug store and starts knocking things off of the shelves with his cane. A clerk runs up and asks, "May I help you Sir?" The blind man replies, "No thanks, I'm just looking."

 

[tonyb]

A young monk enters a monastery with a strict code of silence -- so strict that each monk is allowed only two words with the monsignor every 10 years.

So the first decade goes by and our young monk tells the monsignor, "food cold."

Another 10 years passes and the still youngish monk says, "bed hard."

After another decade, our now middle-aged monk has been in the monastery 30 years. He uses his two words with the monsignor to say "I quit."

"That's just as well," replies the monsignor, "you've done nothing but complain since you got here."

 

[tonyb]

So my ex (yes, she's blond, thanks to the hairdresser's help) gets pulled over by a cop for speeding.

"Do you realize the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?" the cop says.

To which the lovely ex replies, "Yes, but I wasn't planning to be out that long."

 

[Bruce Wayne]

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7368156160/hFAFF4C78/

 

[Bruce Wayne]

 

[wireless man]

ashes to ashes
dust to dust
if it weren't for Fords
our tools would rust!

 

[wireless man]

Sorry,

I got had also!!

i can't believe i got rick rolled on a vintage forum of all places.. -facepalm-

 

[nice hat dude!]

One for the Hockey fans,

 

[Dixon Cannon]

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
.
DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!
.
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
.
From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
.
Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge out?'"

 

[jamespowers]

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
.
DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!
.
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
.
From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
.
Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge out?'"

[video=youtube_share;pVY1-v97Mic]http://youtu.be/pVY1-v97Mic[/video]

 

[DeaconKC]

It was the funeral of a woman who had henpecked her husband, driven her kids nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke and the pastor’s benediction was drowned out by the blinding flash of lighting, followed by terrific thunder. “Well, at least we know she got there all right,” commented her husband.

 

[R.G. White]

"I want to die like my Grandfather; in my sleep. Not like the other people in the car screaming."

 

[1961MJS]

"I want to die like my Grandfather; in my sleep. Not like the other people in the car screaming."

HI

"I want to die quietly in my sleep like my Grandfather; not screaming in abject terror like the passengers on his Bus."

The more the merrier???

 

[nice hat dude!]

Ok what would you do,