Clean Jokes

[Mr. Hallack]

It's in German (sort of)

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

 

[Flipped Lid]

A plumber shows up to repair the kitchen sink. There is a huge Doberman lying in the corner and a parrot in a cage. The lady of the house says, "I have to leave for an appointment. The dog is mean and he'll bite, but he will be fine as long as you leave him alone. Don't talk to the parrot. He is a troublemaker. Leave the bill on the table and I'll send a check." The lady leaves for her appointment.

The plumber fixes the sink, but before leaving he is overcome with a desire to hear the parrot talk as he'd only seen one on television. So he tries to strike up a conversation with the parrot.

"What's your name?"

Silence.

"C'mon, what's your name?"

Silence.

"Would you like a cracker?"

Silence.

"I said, would you like a cracker?"

Silence.

The plumber takes a wary glance toward the corner to see if the dog is still behaving himself. He then turns back to the parrot and says, "You must be the dumbest parrot that ever lived. Can't you say anything?"

The parrot slowly turns his head toward the dog and says, "Sic 'em."

 

[Johnnysan]

An old farmer and his dog are riding a horse cart to market. Growing annoyed at the lackadaisical pace, he takes the whip and gives the horse a sharp rap on the flank. The horse turns and says: "Hey, don't hit me!" The farmer replies in amazement: "I didn't know that you could talk." The dog turns and says "That's funny, neither did I."

 

[flat-top]

I'll clean this one up a bit.

A lady is walking down the street one day and passes a parrot in a cage outside of a pet shop.
"You fat pig" the parrot says as she walks past. "He couldn't have been talking to me" she thought to herself and kept walking.
The next day she walks past the same shop with the same parrot outside. "You fat pig" says the parrot again.
Now she wonders if it really is talking to her.
The day after that she walks past the shop yet again. "You fat pig" the parrot says. Enraged, she storms into the shop and demands that the owner do something about this. He apologizes and assures her that it will be taken care of.
The following day she walks past the shop. The parrot just stares at her. The woman is pleased and continues on her way. But then the parrot says "Hey lady" She replies ".......yes?" And the parrot says "You know."

 

[Espee]

Do you suppose various collections of clever (and "homespun") remarks have had Will Rogers' name stuck on them, whether or not he said them or wrote them? A similar thing has happened to Andy Rooney, Robin Williams, George Carlin etc. in more recent times. I'm just sayin'...

 

[davidraphael]

Here is a German joke that I always love because it's just so absurd. And yes, I've written it correctly.


Question: "What's the difference between a bird?"

Punchline: "They're both got legs of the same length, particularly the left"

 

[Tiller]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 130 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 110 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Wauwa, it was wousy."

 

[Talbot]

Not a joke, but funny nonetheless.


http://www.happyplace.com/3645/the-best-obnoxious-responses-to-misspellings-on-facebook

 

[BigFitz]

Apologies if this has already been posted.

"My dog has no nose."

"How does he smell?"

"Terrible."

 

[rue]

^ lol

 

[BigFitz]

Here's a corny one:

What did the snail riding a turtle say?

YEEHAAWWWW!

 

[Marc Chevalier]

Here's one:

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

 

[rue]

Here's a corny one:

What did the snail riding a turtle say?

YEEHAAWWWW!

wow.... that's pretty bad lol

 

[rue]

Here's one:

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

*giggle*

 

[rue]

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

 

[Bruce Wayne]

I got this one from Scotrace on Facebook, but I had to modify it to make it clean:

Roses are red, Violets are blue. I hate to rhyme, Potato.

 

[Bruce Wayne]

I got this one from Scotrace on Facebook, but I had to modify it to make it clean:

Roses are red, Violets are blue. I hate to rhyme, Potato.

A woman goes to visit her parents & decides to make them dinner. Shortly after arriving, her father comes into the living room to watch TV. After a few minutes she hears her father exclaim "These appatizers sure are terribile!" She goes into the living room to see what her dad is eating since she didn't make any appatizers. When she gets there she finds him munching on some portpourri!

 

[Dubya]

NEWS FLASH!

A small light aircraft has crashed into a ferris wheel at a funfair in New Jersey today

A Police spokesman said the pilot is slowly coming round

 

[Dubya]

My wife said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.

I thought she was joking.......................and then I saw her face

 

[Dubya]

I was walking past my fridge earlier today, when I thought I heard an onion singing a BeeGees song, but when I opened the fridge door I could see it was just a 'Chive Talking'.........................