Advice on Smoking Family Members

[ortega76]

Just seeking some advice on how to deal with my Father In Law. He and my MIL live on the East Coast. They fly out 2-3 times a year to visit and spend time with my wife and daughter. They are nice people and do a lot for us. They love our daughter and my wife has always had a close relationship with them. My FIL is a heavy smoker. He smokes almost hourly. I am very sensitive to the smoke and it makes me physically ill with nausea and headaches. While he doesn't smoke in the house, it clings to his clothes and pores so it is till a little rough. With the last visit, there was a lot of tension over it.

For their next visit, I offered to stay at my folks but was told by my wife that would be perceived as an insult. I don't want them to not visit. My wife and daughter value their visit. My FIL won't stop smoking. The headaches and nausea make me kind of grumpy when they visit, so I'm not exactly an angel here.

Suggestions? Just something to bear?

 

[tonyb]

Man, that's a tough one, Sal.

I'm inclined to say just put up with it, although I can understand the opposite view.

When I read the title of your thread and the first couple-three or four sentences, I was thinking that the father-in-law chain-smoked in the house (which is what smoking houseguests -- myself included, back when I was a smoker -- did routinely, and not so long ago that most of us have any difficultly whatsoever recalling those times).

I liked to think, back when I smoked, that all that "secondhand smoke" talk was a lot of hooey. Now I know otherwise. These days, I'm inclined to think that the mere smell of tobacco smoke (on clothing, hair, etc.) nauseating people seems a bit over the top. But then, you've never impressed me as anything but reasonable, so I believe that it does indeed cause you such unpleasantness.

If it poses no real threat to your health, I say grin and bear it. But if it does ...

 

[Wire9Vintage]

Oh but I know what you mean about the smell. Some people can go out and smoke and there's nary a whiff of evidence. But then other people... Yikes. I also have a sensitive nose and get headaches, but my complaints are family dousings of perfume, hairspray, and spray deodorant. Just about does me in, and I have to leave until the smell dissipates. No amount of coughing, opening windows, and/or commenting on how sensitive I am gets the point across.

But... That said, I find ways of dealing with it rather than causing a stink (pun really not intended!). Maybe go to a health food store and ask about some kind of counter odor that will help you get through. A candle? Some essential oils? You might be surprised at what might balance things out for you.

Hang in there!

 

[Shangas]

If it's affecting your health, don't dance around it. Go and tell him.

Cigarette smoking affects me, too. It gives me coughing-fits. I can't stand the stuff. Always stand upwind of a smoker.

 

[kf4rws]

I used to have the same problem; the in-laws chain smoked in the house. I politely excused myself expressing my desire to retire to my room with a headache and mentioned that it was brought on by the smoke or the smell of. I never made a big deal of it and would return every little bit and visit for a short while so as to not be rude. They never quit smoking but they understood and there wasn't any hard feelings. Plus it gives you a little private time to do whatever you like to do. Just always make sure that if you're asked to make a presence you always do it promptly and with a smile. This always worked for me, but every situation is different. I'm sure you'll be able to find what works best for you.

 

[furious]

I say just put up with it, and thank God that they don't live with you. The consequences of being perceived as rude or unaccommodating to your out-laws is not worth the short smoke free period. Plus, even if your wife tells you otherwise, I would bet that sequestering yourself from her parents bothers her and she may use it against you later on. Bad situation, my friend. The worst thing about my FIL is his love of auto racing.

 

[Edward]

If it's making you need-the-doctor ill, I'd gently raise it. Maybe FIL could use one of the electric cigs in your place (could buy him one - small price to pay if it deal with it). They give off a vapour, but it doesn't have that pungent smell and doesn't seem to linger. There are models that give a nicotene fix for those who aren't using it to give up, but are in situations (indoors in public buildings in the UK) where they cannot smoke a regular cigarette. Maybe a diplomatic way to raise it might be to produce it as a gift "so you don't have to go outside all the time to smoke"?

 

[Shangas]

I was always told, it's rude to smoke in a non-smoker's house without asking for permission, first. Regardless of whether it's family or not.

 

[Feraud]

The FIL is not smoking in the house. The smoke smell clings to his clothing and makes the OP feel ill.

You may have to deal with the temporary effects of the smell. Try and keep a few feet of distance from the smoker. This may help alleviate the issue.

All things considered you are in a better situation with regards to In-Laws that a lot of others!

I say just put up with it, and thank God that they don't live with you. The consequences of being perceived as rude or unaccommodating to your out-laws is not worth the short smoke free period. Plus, even if your wife tells you otherwise, I would bet that sequestering yourself from her parents bothers her and she may use it against you later on. Bad situation, my friend. The worst thing about my FIL is his love of auto racing.

Well put.

 

[esteban68]

its a difficult one... My wife is an ex smoker and she hates the smell now.I smoked for guite a while but gave up around 20 years ago and it does nt bother me at all if people smoke around me.... If he s smoking outside then really he s doing all he can if he s stopping over , most smokers can go a couple of hours or so if really pushed but if its a longer period then its like asking a nail biter or finger chewer to stop..... There is very little evidence that 3rd hand smoke does little if any damage to adults.

 

[ortega76]

I was leaning toward "just put up with it."

Funny thing is that I used to smoke the occasional cigar and I work p/t as a welder, so you'd think that smoke wouldn't bother me. I mean, I come home reeking of burned metal and the like.

Thanks, all.

 

[sheeplady]

Could you let him borrow a jacket and a pair of pants to smoke outside in? So he puts the jacket and pants in a bag in the house, pulls them on before he goes out, and returns them to the bag when he comes back in? Also, ask him to wash his hands and face after smoking.

If the pants seems a little excessive, try just the jacket and a hat, combined with the face and hand washing. I've known people who smoked that it was difficult to tell they smoked because they did it outside in "smoking" clothes and scrubbed themselves down after smoking.

 

[ortega76]

Sheeplady,

We have tried a variant on this, with him wearing a "smoking shirt". He does it the first time or two, then "forgets" after that. He becomes very defensive about being nagged when reminded. When asked, my MIL and wife give me what I call "the dinosaur defense." Where someone defends bad or outdated behavior by saying, "that's how it was when he grew up/etc."

I call it the Dinosaur Defense because "evolve or die" isn't just for the dinosaurs.

 

[Baron Kurtz]

Man, that's a hard one.

Do the in-laws know that the smell makes you feel sick? Have you explained it to them? It can be hard for folks to realise that things they have come to get accustomed to, and to feel is a part of the other person, can be difficult or even wrong, when viewed from the outside. And that to question that feature of that particular person can seem like a slight on the whole family. I also know people who believe that people who say they feel sick at the smell of smoke on another person are just faking it to make an impression/make trouble. I know for myself - an ex-cigarette smoker of long standing, and continuing cigar smoker - that the smell of a heavy smoker on a bus or the tube these days, early in the morning, makes me wretch almost as much as the smell of gingivitis or when some ignorant ba***rd farts in the packed train carriage.

I still have great memories of the smell of my grandfather's pipe smoke. But I'm sure it was hell to live around the concentrated smoke. He didn't smoke much around us as he understood the dangers.

 

[ortega76]

BK-

It has been brought up but I think they are of the opinion that I am being a wimp about it. I think I've just resolved to deal with it. Better to be a little inconvenienced than have a family feud. At least this way if I get cancer, it will be the ultimate "told you so" to the wife. . .

 

[tuppence]

get yourself a jar of vicks vapour rub, or any chest rub with eucalyptus in it. Smear a little on your upper lip, you won't be able to smell anything else.

 

[tuppence]

The smell of bacon frying makes me sick, I wonder if I can blame the people frying bacon, if I have a heart attack

 

[MikeBravo]

Your wife is right, it would be an insult. You will have to take one for the team.

I know what you mean about the smell, it's like the reek of corruption rising up from Hades. You can't tell a smoker that though, they think they cover it up. I'm sure it's what cancer smells like.

Mind you, I like the vapor rub under the nose idea.

 

[Foxer55]

Do yourself and your FIL a favor. Get him a Blu electronic starter kit on the web. You might be able to find one at a local BP or Hess station but save the running around and just Google Blu. Buy him the starter kit as a gift and tell him your freinds really like it. Its about 60 bucks. Its a nicotine delivery system for smokers with no odor and no smoke. Comes in all strengths and flavors. Pretty cool! I started using them recently.

 

[tonyb]

I like the dinosaur reference, Sal. Times change.

The lovely missus and I allow smoking in our house, but none of our cigarette smoking friends take us up on it. Even in the dead of winter (which is rarely all that bitter around here, but still) they excuse themselves and step outside. I keep a wicker chair and ottoman under an overhang out there, and an old crystal ashtray, just for this purpose. Sometimes I throw on a jacket and join them, to keep the conversation going.

That's among the things I do indeed miss about my old sinful ways -- the comaraderie and spirited conversation among the slowly suicidal.

What was that Mark Twain line? Something like "Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company"?