Who wrote the book on motherhood?

[ShortClara]

A little more info might be helpful, ShortClara.

How 'crunchy' are you, normally? Are you convinced you'll die without the epidural? Will you be breastfeeding once you have the baby? Do you work or will you home with the little one?

I'd rather not make unwelcome suggestions if you're planning to hand the little one over to a nanny at birth and have him or her trotted out at mealtimes. (No, that's not a hypothetical -- that was the plan of my ex-sister-in-law. And yes, that was the reason she's now an 'ex'. Sad but true.)

Really, I just want info on the nuts and bolts of the physical changes and processes mostly. Because I am 100% clueless. I have never been around children, I never had any younger siblings.

I'm not crunchy at all normally, but I do have a kum-ba-ya feeling about all things female related, so I would probably go without epidural if I could take it and breastfeed. The plan would be for me to be home most of the time with a baby. That is what I would choose.

We're not planning to start trying tomorrow or anything, but I'm an organized, like-to-be-prepared, person.

 

[Kitty_Sheridan]

You all know who Jamie oliver is? Oh I'm so sorry, we as a nation have foisted him on you! He's dire! But his wife is sweet!

Try hugh Fearnley Whittingstall. He couldn't be any more of a stereotype!lol

I'm 35 now and my son wasn't planned and oh my god did I panic. I am the least 'motherly' person. Ever... And I'm still not. I'm not a 'my life revolves around my child-whom I also live vacariously through'-type of mum, he has his own interests and then we have stuff we do together.
Dad and I are still great friends and he is a brilliant dad, my partner also loves my son to bits and is a really good influence.

LD, I hear you. I hate the assumption that everyone wants to have kids. It's like a comic over here says 'it's like going to weddings or christenings, all the old people say 'oooh it'll be you next' so he likes to mix it up by going to funerals and saying (in the same tone) 'ooh it'll be you next'lol

 

[TessTrueheart]

Ive thought about this a lot. Im one of those women who is completely indifferent to motherhood. I have no desire to have children.
People tell me, "Youre only 30. Youll change your tune when youre 35."
LD

I'm 36, and I don't plan to have children. (But I don't plan to let my lady parts dry up any time soon either...lol lol lol ).

 

[KittyT]

At the same time though, it doesn't make anyone less of a woman if one can't have children or chooses not to. It's a HUGE decision with tons of different things factoring into it. No one should have children because they feel it's a duty.

Here, here! I couldn't agree more. I think a lot of women end up having kids because they feel that's what they're supposed to do as a woman. It's great if they end up finding it to be a fulfilling experience once it happens, but it's absolutely the wrong reason to have kids.

Also, note that there's a new study out that shows that, on average, people who don't have kids are happier than those who do.

 

[Miss Dottie]

I think the whole pregnancy thing is a very very personal decision between you and if you have one, your partner.

But I'd recommend the following Websites that might help you out:

BabyCenter.com
IndieMom.com

Also, a good therapist can help with the decision making. I had two friends who actually went to couple's counseling to sort out the whole issue with her husband and it really helped. One couple decided to have kids and one didn't.

Every person is different and has their own take on it.

Oh and don't even start on the issues of breastfeeding vs. bottle or working mothers versus stay at home. It's worse than the Sharks vs. Jets!

 

[Miss Dottie]

Oh and I'm pregnant myself--just eight weeks and I'm 38.

For me personally, I've wanted to have a child since I can remember. I can't explain it but it's what I've wanted for a long time and I'm very excited to be pregnant. But I can't lie--I'm sorta scared to death at the same time--all very natural, but still... All change brings a bit of fear.

 

[deadpandiva]

So... I'm getting older and my lady parts are drying up I'm sure

I read about things before I attempt them - I had 3 books on kittens before I adopted a cat. So I figure I should read about motherhood and pregnancy before I attempt either. I am wary of this thing, and have never gotten that 'OMG I must procreate!' feeling, but I figure I better just jump in before my eggs go away. Not that I don't want to be a mommy, but I'm scared, maybe you understand. My mother tells me she wasn't really into kids before she had one, but after if was wonderful, so I figure I might be the same way. I have an amazing hubby and it's funny, I always think in terms of he'll be an amazing daddy and won't that be great, rather than I'll be such a great mom. But then he tells me I'll be great he's sure... so... well I've just really overshared! So help?!

So, can anyone recommend any books which laid out the process with some happy humor and great information which after the fact you (the mothers on the board) thought - boy that was sure true!?

Thanks!

My sister was the last person I expected to have a kid and she never had a maternal instinct. It was a struggle but she's a very good mother. I am sure I wont have kids but I sometimes wonder if I will regret that desicion later in life.

I'm soory I didn't answer any of your questions. I just find this an interesting topic.

 

[Kim_B]

I have nothing to add, really. I'm being pressured left and right from family to start having kids. Hubby and I will be married 6 years this October, I'm 26, he's 28. Neither of us are very anxious to start - there are lots of things we want to do before that; I'm not quite ready to give up being able to go to a concert at the drop of a hat, or head out of town for the weekend without having to pack everything and the kitchen sink for the kids. And our house isn't kid friendly at all - neither of us want to start a family in this house but the market it terrible for trying to sell it now. And we don't want to move once we've started our family - we want to build a nice house that we can grow into. I get so tired of people asking "Why don't you have kids?!" "When are you going to start having kids?!" I'll start when I'm ready...and I don't feel ready.

And, fftopic:, CONGRATS Miss Dottie!

 

[RedHotRidinHood]

I plan to add more later, but just had to jump in real quick.

You WANT an epidural. Childbirth HURTS. I had no drugs both times and it would have been much better if my mind had not been blown by the amount of pain I was going through. I wanted to be a lot more "there" for it-but it $%^**(# HURTS. I suppose it depends on how you personally process pain, but it is the weirdest pain you have ever felt. I'm not trying to scare you here, but I have to be honest! People who have not given birth cannot understand. I know that sounds snotty, but it is really strange.

And breastfeeding is the BEST...as long as you don't mind hauling them out every few hours no matter where you are or what you are doing. You get very blase' about your boobs and who sees them. But it is a very nice, close connection that you have with your baby. I did it for over a year both times; by the end of that year I was so DONE with it. Got fixed about 6 months later and have never regretted it.

Be ready to give up ALL your free time and learn how to plan ahead constantly. You won't be able to do anything on a whim again until the kid is out of the house. Kids can be great and cute and funny and loving, but they can also be little vampires that suck all the energy out of you. Your relationship with the father will change no matter what you do-it just happens. Kids will break your heart and then conversely make you feel like the best mom in the world. At more than one point, you will wonder who this little monster is and did he/she really come out of you? How could I have raised a child who would do (insert heinous/heroic act here)?

It's a hell of a ride, to say the least. It's not always Pampers commercials; sometimes it is mustard-colored crap all over your best dress and you just ran out of baby wipes. It is croup and colic and a 4 year old who refuses to learn how to go potty by themselves. And it is also the sweetest little chubby ball of cuteness that ever walked the earth.

And you know, I don't recommend it to anyone. I cannot imagine life without my kids, but the things I could have done, you know? It is one of those thoughts that there is no resolution for.

Just think long and hard about it. I have often wished that people could somehow rent a kid for a weekend and see what the reality is like.

 

[LizzieMaine]

You WANT an epidural. Childbirth HURTS. I had no drugs both times and it would have been much better if my mind had not been blown by the amount of pain I was going through.

My mother never gets tired of reminding me how much pain I caused her -- it was a long, difficult labor, and when the doctor walked into the room to see how she was going, she grabbed his tie, yanked his face close to hers and screamed GIVE ME DRUGS! NOW!

This story actually scared me to death when I was young, and part of me was actually rather relieved when it turned out I couldn't have kids. But now, with middle age bearing down, I sometimes find myself thinking it would have been worth enduring after all.

As far as books go, well, I was a Doctor Spock baby, and I guess I turned out okay. Although Ma was the sort who was just as likely to use the book to swat us when we got out of line as she was to read and absorb the information inside.

 

[cassylynn]

Well I guess I'm coming from the other side of the tracks so to say. My husband and I have been trying for 2 years now and I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. I am 30 years young, I see a midwife and everything I take and use is herbal/plant-based, I do not take any antibiotics. (If I can't pick it out of a field or find it in the woods and make a salve or tincture myself it doesn't go in my body.) After the infertility stumped my midwife she sent me to see a fertility specialist and they are determined to put me on Clomid next month. But I am extremely hesitant to take it so I'm looking into acupuncture and Mayan Uterine Massage

Anyways, we have decided on a home birth (as long as I'm risk free), absolutely NO drugs (even if I have to go to a dreaded hospital), and use the birthing method of a "Water Birth"

I plan to breastfeed for at least a year if not a little longer and be a stay-at-home mom. We have also decided to try the "diaper-free" method once baby is born and when we have to take baby out in public we will use g-diapers. It's a cloth diaper with a biodegradable liner that you just change out and flush down the toilet. (www.gdiapers.com)

Even before I was married I stopped taking birth control pills that I had been on for 8 years and started using the FAM method of birth control, which is taking morning temps, charting and watching for the "fertility" signs that your body gives you everyday. So I have been waking up at 7:00 every morning and sticking a thermometer in my mouth for over 3 1/2 years now it's like clockwork lol No baby yet but God will bless us and our efforts!

Anyways, my favorite books are Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, Choosing Waterbirth by Lakshmi Bertram and Childbirth Without Fear by Grantly Dick-Read

Oh and Lady Day - Not every woman has the "want" for children and I understand fully how you feel. My sister never wanted children and when she got married and requested her tubes tied at 21 the doctors refused to grant her wish until she was 30 under the basis that "She will change her mind in a few years" well a few years past and she never changed her mind and for her 30th birthday she went to the hospital and had her tubes tied. To me, even though we are trying and are having difficulties, I have stood by her decision not to have children 100%. I feel as though if you truly do not want to have children and have no desire but give in either by pressure from family or because you feel it is your "womanly" duty the only 2 people that will suffer from that decision would be you and the baby, but I could also be wrong with that conclusion. Anyways, all I'm saying is Lady Day don't let anyone ever make you feel as though you are any less of a woman because you do not want children or tell you that your just being selfish! I support your decision 100% just like I supported my sisters decision

 

[Josephine]

...use the birthing method of a "Water Birth"...

I SO wanted water births. I didn't have drugs for my three and that would have helped. My third labor was 3 times as long as my first two and I firmly believe with a 10 lb 3 oz baby that if I had been in the water or sitting up and not flat on my back it wouldn't have taken so long.

I breastfed too, and did FAM to figure out my cycles. I thought I had secondary infertility as it was taking a long time to get pregnant with my middle child. Then we figured it was the stress of my job as I got fired and got pregnant the very next week. lol

Anyway, Short Clara, the nice thing about babies is that they sleep all the time so you get used to them being there and not really having to do anything with/to them. Then they slowly start to grow into toddlers and you grow as a parent with them.

 

[Minerva]

Now really, RedHotRidinHood, I don't think we want to scare her off completely over one opinion!

Another one here who had wanted a water birth, but it didn't work out. Just as well, maybe. The super-crunchy midwives got medical at the 39-week appointment and made dire threats about what tests they would be running if she hadn't been born by forty weeks. Never mind that most first pregnancies run past 41 weeks. [huh]

Just for the record, no, it didn't hurt. My little one came fast at home, and was out and looking around in forty minutes flat. I didn't feel a thing until she abruptly crowned (and that just felt odd ... not painful, just odd). Fortunately we'd taken Hypnobirthing classes because even if I'd wanted any drugs, I couldn't have gotten them in that short a time. She did leave a huge skid mark on the bed on her way out. Absolutely destroyed the featherbed ... lol Then we called my folks after, and my father pipes up that all the women in his family have short labors. :eusa_doh: Would have been nice to know that sooner.

It's not all kittens and rainbows, but things tend to work out. She's two and half now, using the big-girl potty since she turned two, and still likes to have bouts of run-by breastfeeding between tea parties with her dolly. I can't imagine paying someone else to raise her.


Anyway, ShortClara, you might enjoy this site, since you seem to be open to suggestions: http://www.mothering.com .

 

[Caroline]

Anyway, Short Clara, the nice thing about babies is that they sleep all the time so you get used to them being there and not really having to do anything with/to them. Then they slowly start to grow into toddlers and you grow as a parent with them.

Not my kids! The first one woke up every time I tried to put her down after breastfeeding. Thankfully she outgrew itlol

 

[Smuterella]

Ive thought about this a lot. Im one of those women who is completely indifferent to motherhood. I have no desire to have children.

Im curious, as a woman, of carrying a child and giving birth, but wouldnt have a kid just to satisfy that curiosity, how selfish would that be?

Ive been around kids all my life, and have no inkling to rear any.

People tell me, "Youre only 30. Youll change your tune when youre 35."

No, dont think so. Its not a biological clock thing. Having children is not a cornerstone in the foundation of who I am (ooh got all metaphorical there).

If it came to it, Id adopt. I never thought blood relation was the strongest link for family anyway.

Just my musing on the topic.

LD

thats me exactly, well said LD.

I think too many people fall into the automatic:

"have relationship, get married, buy house, have children" pattern and I think thats dangerous.

Make sure its what you really, really want. both of you. Before you commit the rest of your life to bringing up a child.

 

[ShortClara]

Wow - thanks everyone so very much for sharing!

Believe me, this is a very considered decision, hence the post in the first place! The biggest thing I'm afraid of is losing "me" I think. But then hubby said something last night that moved me - he said we go about things in our own way and we do most things really frackin' well without losing ourselves - why does this have to be any different? Hell, I moved to LA to be an actress without two thoughts and I tilt at windmills every day, so I'm not lacking in guts! But I know enough to know that we have no idea what's coming, but then no one does until they have a child.

Anyway, Short Clara, the nice thing about babies is that they sleep all the time so you get used to them being there and not really having to do anything with/to them. Then they slowly start to grow into toddlers and you grow as a parent with them.

I LOVE you for posting this, because this is the stuff I don't know!

My mother is the one who actually said that the epi could be dangerous and that she didn't think she needed it, and ended up without. She said it hurts, but it's not a horror show. But then everyone is different! I love you all for sharing your thoughts with me, mothers and non-mothers and mothers-to-be alike!

PS: CONGRATS Dottie!

 

[Paisley]

I have often wished that people could somehow rent a kid for a weekend and see what the reality is like.

Isn't there a show like that with teenagers called The Baby Borrowers?

 

[KittyT]

But then hubby said something last night that moved me - he said we go about things in our own way and we do most things really frackin' well without losing ourselves - why does this have to be any different?

Why does it have to be any different? Because it IS. I don't have kids but I still know that having kids is unlike anything else you will ever experience in life. It IS different.

My mother is the one who actually said that the epi could be dangerous and that she didn't think she needed it, and ended up without. She said it hurts, but it's not a horror show.

Yes, I know women who have had children and had epis for their second birth, and who said the epi hurt more than their first birth did. Obviously, everyone's different, but women have been giving birth since the beginning of time without them. I believe our bodies have been specifically designed to handle it.

 

[Miss Dottie]

Well I guess I'm coming from the other side of the tracks so to say. My husband and I have been trying for 2 years now and I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. I am 30 years young, I see a midwife and everything I take and use is herbal/plant-based, I do not take any antibiotics. (If I can't pick it out of a field or find it in the woods and make a salve or tincture myself it doesn't go in my body.) After the infertility stumped my midwife she sent me to see a fertility specialist and they are determined to put me on Clomid next month. But I am extremely hesitant to take it so I'm looking into acupuncture and Mayan Uterine Massage

Cassylynn, I highly recommend accupuncture. I think it had a huge impact in helping me get pregnant five months after I started weekly accupuncture points. According to chinese medicine, there is no such thing as infertitlity, just inbalance and the accupuncture really helped align me.

I was very very scared about fertility because:

1.) I had fibroids so bad that I needed surgery when I was 35. They took 25 fibroids out of me varying in sizes from grapefruit to cherries, but kept my uterus in tact.

2.) I was carrying around a few more pounds than I'd like to, which they say can impact fertility

3.) I have a stressful job, but I made a concerted effort to ease off on stress is huge too. The weekend I became pregnant was when I had taken a couple of days off work and it helped immensely.

4.) I'm 38!

I'm still early at eight weeks, but treating myself with kid gloves until I get out of my first trimester.

Good luck dearie!

And thanks for all of the well wishes! It means the world to me, ladies!

 

[ShortClara]

Why does it have to be any different? Because it IS. I don't have kids but I still know that having kids is unlike anything else you will ever experience in life. It IS different.

I know, that's why I went on to say, "But I know enough to know that we have no idea what's coming, but then no one does until they have a child."

You have to just think positively and go for it if you're going to do it, right?