When is giving advice crossing the line?

[C-dot]

Of course, and you're right, there is a big difference... but it doesn't always feel that way if you're on the receiving end, and that I think is the bit that's difficult to judge if you're a complete stranger. If you're feeling a bit fragile it can feel like a personal criticism. Not all the people who tried to make me smarten up were snotty teenagers. Some of them were the teachers, and they thought they were doing me a favour....

Thats terrible I'm sorry that happened to you. I think we've all been on the receiving end, and it's never a good time.

This leads me to my next thought: I never point anything out if I'm unsure whether it was intended or not. For example: exposed thongs or bra straps, skirts so short they reveal Victoria's Secret, or any degrees of see-through. Some time ago at a wine bar, there was a girl wearing a tight, short skirt, and it became clear to us that she wasn't wearing panties. A bold friend of mine took her arm and told her what we saw. The girl gave us a dirty look, and continued what she was doing. Alright, sister, if that's what you want...

 

[Kishtu]

With us all being such far-out old people it's hard to know what constitutes fashion these days (hahahahaha)

Sort of leads me onto a third thought which I'm surprised no one has mentioned so far which is how far would you feel safe making a sensitive comment to a stranger? I find often in the UK that we're kind of conditioned into thinking that all strangers are by definition going to be unpredictable and dangerous and if you say something they don't like they might stab you - it's absolute cobblers of course but I'm always amazed how many people feel like that.

 

[Tatum]

^ Hmm, this is one that I feel you have to feel out in the current situation. Obviously, I'm not going to walk across a restaurant to a table to tell someone I don't know that "this or that" is showing. Ladies' room, makeup counter, places like that (where there is female camaraderie almost built-in) I have no issue whatsoever politely pointing something out. The other instances, they have to be judged accordingly. And as far as feeling safe, I don't make a habit of putting myself in situations where I don't feel comfortable in the first place. I have a philosophy along the lines of, "if I would wish someone would do it for me," then I try to find a way to do it. Even if it means stalking said above example to the ladies' room when she goes!

 

[sheeplady]

I was thinking about this one.... as other people have said it depends so much on the way it's said. When I was at school I was bullied so much by people who "said things for my own good" and they were very hurtful at the time and, given that my mum was in hospital with a long and debilitating illness and it was just me and my dad, really hard to deal with.
(Things like "isn't it about time you started to wear a bra?" and "you need to buy more fashionable clothes" - not things your average 13 year old can ask her dad to help out with.)

I'm sorry. I had a girl friend in high school whose mother had left and the other children (and even some teachers) were incredibly cruel to her. It bothers me to this day. It would have been more appropriate for one of those people to suggest going shopping together on a weekend (perhaps a girl friend and an older sister or a mother) and bought you a bra. My friends and I (mostly our mothers and her sister-in-law when we mentioned things like this to them) took care of my friend- things like shaving, bra buying, etc. They could have tried to be your friend, first, and then try to help you out in other areas that typically are passed from mom to daughter. I'm really sorry.

I try to tell people anything totally embarrassing that could be a mistake. Like a skirt tucked into stockings or lipstick on teeth or something similar. I am always nice about it, and I always say that I've done it more than once. I've seen people get into shouting fights on public transit that sometimes turn into physical fights. Wanting to avoid this, I would only approach women who were alone and looked friendly. If a "excuse me" is met with a scowl and a nasty look, I just move away.

 

[Bluebird Marsha]

I was thinking about this one.... as other people have said it depends so much on the way it's said. When I was at school I was bullied so much by people who "said things for my own good" and they were very hurtful at the time and, given that my mum was in hospital with a long and debilitating illness and it was just me and my dad, really hard to deal with.
(Things like "isn't it about time you started to wear a bra?" and "you need to buy more fashionable clothes" - not things your average 13 year old can ask her dad to help out with.)

There's so much you don't know with complete strangers.... a friend's daughter would be easier to handle but the idea of a total stranger passing what they think is a helpful remark puts my back up to this day, nearly 30 years later.

Oh that's dreadful! No, none of that would be something I'd even remotely consider. If I knew your situation, I would have considered approaching your father to offer help. Take you shopping, or just go for some lunch somewhere. I'm trying to picture my guy friends taking their little girl out to buy her first bra... nope-that wouldn't work. And he'd have to swear that it was his idea. 13 seems to be spent thinking the world is looking at you. No need to provide evidence.

I can't think of a time where I'd be worried about my safety. Not every time, but I can usually see if the "look" is something the wearer was going for or not. Ripped knees on jeans are probably intended. A mustard stain on the back thigh probably isn't.

I don't know. I try and assume most people are ladies and gentlemen in training. If they don't seem safe, I'm probably in the wrong neighborhood- in which case I won't be thinking about handing out unsolicited fashion advice.

 

[Stray Cat]

I try and assume most people are ladies and gentlemen in training.

Same here..
In our culture it is considered RUDE to approach a stranger and give then any advice. We believe any word like that IS stepping over the line. In my culture you NEVER go to a stranger and tell them everything. But, if you choose to do so, don't be surprised if you get "the look" or even "You know.. you SHOULD mind your own business". That's how it is here..
Giving advice to a stranger is shocking.. it's considered like an attack on their private matter.. even if the person walks out the toilet with the paper stuck on their foot. The best thing one can do is HOPE a stranger will notice it, or that a friend will tell them.
Friends can (and MUST) tell you everything (lipstick on the teeth.. a must!).. but a stager must keep a side. (this is how it is here....) [huh]

 

[Amy Jeanne]

I remember when I was a kid I had teachers always tell me I needed to wear a bra. And the school nurse used to call me in telling me about bras!! But I hated bras! I had a nickname in school for my lack of bra-wearing -- "Bounce." lol I thought it was funny. Even funnier now.

I once had a dental hygienist tell me I needed to use deodorant. lol

Today I wear a bra at all times (except shower) and I am very paranoid about smelling bad.....lol

 

[kymeratale]

I'm one of those people that seems to be able to manage to tell perfect strangers their undies are showing or they have food stuck on them or some such. I suppose becasue I do it in a smiley, bubbly, friendly way. Never had anyone freak out on me.

I always get mad when I see something amiss on myself and no one has said anything. (Especially my husband, but he just rolls around not noticing things. I have trained him about lipstick and teeth.) I can recall years ago I had this tight shirt. I wore it to work for the first time one day, all day, and only discovered that you could see my nipples through the bra and fabric at the end of the day.:eeek: I so wish someone had said something. I would have run to the mall and bought something to change into.

Sometimes I see someone who seems to be making an effort but is wearing something that is just so unflattering or plain awful on them and I wonder why some friend doesn't say something. I know not every friend can be that honest, but oh my.