The Wifely Duties

[Honey Doll]

Working Mother does NOT equal Bad Mother

Reading some of the posts here there seems to be a current of belief that being a working mother necessarily means that you are cutting your kids short and that the choice you have made to work is incorrect/bad/immoral-- or that if you didn't have to work, you just shouldn't.

My comments come from my own personal experience as I am both a working professional career gal and a mother of two preschoolers (daughter age 4 and son age 2). I can honestly say that I am a better mother and my children are happier, more content because I am a working mother. My children are incredibly intelligent, social, charismatic little people. I could not possibly on my own sitting at home provide for them the stimulation that they receive through the high quality daycare center they are enrolled in. They are personable, well socialized, good mannered. My daughter is learning Spanish, German and Sign language. She receives instruction in ballet, gymnastics and goes to the library and other weekly field trips. She gets to play with her friends and receive a pre-k education. She has from an early age interacted and come to love adults and children of many backgrounds, races and beliefs.

My children have cousins who have been strictly in a stay at home setting who are very sweet and good natured, but shy and socially withdrawing by comparision.

I do not pull my kids out of bed at the crack of dawn and ship them off in their pjs. I do not leave them lingering at daycare long into the night. My daycare is a block from my office. When they were infants, I came over twice a day to nurse them and stayed home with them one day a week for the first year. When they have bad days-- I am called and am there within minutes. When the kids just need a bit more of me-- we take days off together. I was not given flexibility by my work-- I demanded it and got it. It cost me a one year delay in partnership, but I am there now. I got a remote computer connection from home on my laptop and surprisingly, most of my partners followed suit and hooked up from home to so that they could spent more time with their families. If my hours are lackluster, I can pick up a project from home here and there, or work during naps on days the kids are home sick or otherwise. I was a mold breaker and have proven to my colleages that being a mom does not mean you are half in the door, half out and that working from home or flexible hours is a legitimate alternative.

If I stayed at home, I would be an unfulfilled woman and would not have the same emotional resources to devote to my children that I do now. Frankly, I'm better at my job because I am a mom. It has helped me establish a firm sense of priority and organization. You simply have to be organized to do it all.

And yes, I have a home cooked meal on the table every night at 6 pm sharp, so don't be late for dinner.

Honey Doll

 

[Section10]

It is hard to catagorize and everyone has valid examples which will prove their point. I have an 11 year old granddaughter who has never been to public school and she is absolutely fearless. Her parents are very socially active people and she is just as involved as they are. She is almost too brave. A couple weeks ago she and her father and I took a drive out to a railroad trestle that he wanted to photograph which was about a mile walk down the tracks. It is several hundred feet long and 80-90 feet high over a river. It is a deck plate girder style which means there is just a bare track with no sides at all. She unhesitatingly led us right out onto it and I had to tell her to stay in the middle because she wanted to balance on top of a rail as she walked.
So I guess everyone is different and all you can do is the best you can and hope for the best. Just be sure you are indeed doing the best you can.

 

[LaMedicine]

Reading some of the posts here there seems to be a current of belief that being a working mother necessarily means that you are cutting your kids short and that the choice you have made to work is incorrect/bad/immoral-- or that if you didn't have to work, you just shouldn't.
.........If I stayed at home, I would be an unfulfilled woman and would not have the same emotional resources to devote to my children that I do now. Frankly, I'm better at my job because I am a mom. It has helped me establish a firm sense of priority and organization. You simply have to be organized to do it all.

And yes, I have a home cooked meal on the table every night at 6 pm sharp, so don't be late for dinner.

Honey Doll

:eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap
Honey Doll, you are a wonderful mother all around.
I too have kept a career (for over 30 years) and raised kids as well. I know I am a better doctor for it, and I know I am a better mother for it as well. The firm sense of priority and organization is what makes it all work. While my male colleagues were barreling down their way towards PhD to add to their list, I took that route slowly, because I took the time I needed for my children. I eventually did get my PhD, but 10 years later than my male counterparts. I didn't mind.

I respect those who choose to stay at home, too. Organizing a home is not an easy task. Still, there are women who do better with something outside, while others do better inside. It's a matter of choice, and also a matter of doing your best whatsoever you do. Whatever choice others make for themselve, I respect them. However I will suffer no fools who dare try to tell me that I'm wronging my children, because I know my husband and I are doing (did, since they are full fledged adults now) our best for them as parents, and the children's needs came first whatever there was.

 

[Lena_Horne]

I apologize if anyone felt alienated in this thread, that wasn't my intention at all. Strangely enough, it is women such as I, who feel that their "place," so to speak, is in the home that often feel as though a lot of society is frowning upon them. I have much more interest in putting a home together one day and raising children than I do in maintaining a life-long career. I do work now because I am only twenty and won't be getting married yet, but I would certainly want to leave work when I have children. I am at a wonderful company (Blue Cross/Blue Shield) that I know would be accomodating of my needs once I do have children, but I also know that deep down I want that other "taboo" experience. One of the more annoying residual-outcomes related to the feminist movement is that women of my ilk are seen in such a disdainful, ridiculous light. It is terrifically unfortunate.

L_H

 

[Roger]

No one should feel alienated at all. I think a prior posts said that it should be up to each couple to determine their acceptable comfort level. If someone is comfortable at home; great! Likewise if someone is comfortable at work; also great! But, neither side should downplay the other.

 

[nostalgic]

I will start by saying that I haven't read through 2/3rds of this thread but had to add my two cents
My husband and I have been married for almost a year (Halloween!) and have decided we don't want to wait much longer to start a family. We have bought a house which is saving us money every month, have used cars, budget, etc. However, there is absolutely no way that we could scrape by on one salary. It's not even an option to pinch here or there, it just can't be done as things stand. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom and love my days off when I can focus on the home. However, we don't see our situation changing in the near future and don't want to be much older before we have kids. We both have very supportive families so ideally we would be able to have baby stay with grandma etc. My husband also works on commission (opportunity to save!) and regularly applies to jobs that would allow him to earn enough for me to stay home. With the economy the way it is though, there are no guarantees.
All of this is basically to point out that I'm not one of the selfish women who want a career, kids, and to have it all, but that I would have to work to feed my family. Given the choice, I wouldn't work outside the home until my kids were in school, and even then I'd want something very uninvolved and part time. On the other hand, I have quite a few friends who are big into women's rights, career, etc and while I think that they should have the right to do whatever they choose, I don't know how beneficial it will be to their kids. We agree to disagree hahahaha. Overall I agree with the theme that women should have the right to do whatever they choose but maybe feminism has gone too far and should not criticize those who wish to do something "different." I think that made sense

 

[LoveMyHats2]

Just a fast thought, as it does happen in many families and it is not always a good thing. Some couples live their whole life just for their children. They allow their children to really run what they do in the household. If things get bad, they split up and have fronted the children with no example of real love and care between themselves as a couple. At times this may be due to some financial issues but all in all, myself, I think if a couple shows each other love and respect and each parent just does what they should do, it helps give a child a better role model then to always just put a child first.

 

[C-dot]

Given the choice, I wouldn't work outside the home until my kids were in school, and even then I'd want something very uninvolved and part time. On the other hand, I have quite a few friends who are big into women's rights, career, etc and while I think that they should have the right to do whatever they choose, I don't know how beneficial it will be to their kids.

I agree with you, but just because a mother has a full-time career doesn't necessarily mean her children will suffer. I had a friend when I was about 13 who had four siblings aged 9-17, and their mother was single with a very busy job as an insurance claims adjuster. She ran a tidier and more organized home than many full time homemakers with less children, and all those five kids were strictly in line. They did well in school, knew their manners, and respected their mother. She always made time for them after hours, and even bought them a few luxuries. She was a hell of a mother!

 

[Marzena]

I wonder why this subject is so contentious ? Nobody would argue very hard that "all women" should be, say athletes, or dancers, but when it comes to being a career woman or a full time homemaker , it seems that there should be only one option and one size must fit all.
I suspect that maybe this particular issue reflects a lot of our own hidden insecurities, fears, uncertainties, and it would feel safer to see our own choice publicly vindicated.

Iin fact so much depends on factors largely beyond one's control: the overall financial situation, the children's health and tolerance for parental absence, the ability to mobilise help within the family or outside, the other spouse's work load, availability of suitable childcare. I just do not see how all this variety could then be accomodated by just one recommendation: stay at home! or, go out, have a career.

Having said that, I do feel that at present the two options are not viewed with equal respect. The working mother definitely is the heroine of our times, while the full time Mommy is the lazy one without drive, talent, and ambition. But then one might remember how for ages the working mothers would be villified as heartless and unfeminine.

 

[sheeplady]

Having said that, I do feel that at present the two options are not viewed with equal respect. The working mother definitely is the heroine of our times, while the full time Mommy is the lazy one without drive, talent, and ambition. But then one might remember how for ages the working mothers would be villified as heartless and unfeminine.

I always have a problem with this type of discussion because it seems to leave the fathers out. If you're in a heterosexual relationship and having babies, why is it always the woman who has her choices questioned? Why aren't more fathers socially "allowed" to be involved in this decision, or be questioned about their family choices?

If a woman wishes to stay at home, but cannot due to the financial situation of her family, why is she villified for leaving her children, and the man seemingly gets a pass by not even being mentioned? And vice versa- if a woman stays at home with her children, why is villified as being lazy, and the man seemingly gets a pass by not even being mentioned?

Last time I checked, most of these are decisions made by couples, not just the mother per say. (There are some exceptions, such as single mothers, but overall, these are couple decisions.)

 

[C-dot]

If a woman wishes to stay at home, but cannot due to the financial situation of her family, why is she villified for leaving her children, and the man seemingly gets a pass by not even being mentioned? And vice versa- if a woman stays at home with her children, why is villified as being lazy, and the man seemingly gets a pass by not even being mentioned?

I believe it's because we're still viewing men and women in the traditional "a man is a breadwinner" and "a woman's place is in the home" ways. The only difference is, the woman's image is being fought tooth and nail.

It's interesting to note that stay at home fathers, and fathers who take parental leave from work, are snickered at by other men.

 

[Marzena]

I agree - nowadays the woman's choice will be "wrong" whatever she decides to do.

 

[C-dot]

I agree - nowadays the woman's choice will be "wrong" whatever she decides to do.

Yes - If you work, you're neglecting your children. If you stay at home, you're a burden on society. And ironically enough, the people who decide if your choice is wrong are other women. Like any decision you make in life, someone will always be upset. Social issues like this become contentious because other people, who have no business telling you what to do with your life, try to do just that. If more women kept their opinions to themselves about what other women do, perhaps we'd all be more comfortable with our decisions.

 

[sheeplady]

I believe it's because we're still viewing men and women in the traditional "a man is a breadwinner" and "a woman's place is in the home" ways. The only difference is, the woman's image is being fought tooth and nail.

It's interesting to note that stay at home fathers, and fathers who take parental leave from work, are snickered at by other men.

I'm not saying that there aren't issues that men that choose to stay at home or have "non-traditional" roles face.

However, I find it interesting when discussing women and childcare that the decision to stay home or not is seen as being entirely made by the woman (and therefore she gets all the "blame" or all the "kudos"- typically all the blame). Obviously the decision is not always made by the woman alone in a vaccuum. We'd all probably think that someone who didn't consult his/her partner in making his/her decision about working or staying home is probably a bad partner.

Why is it always the woman who is characterized as such as such, and not the parents as a unit?

 

[C-dot]

I'm not saying that there aren't issues that men that choose to stay at home or have "non-traditional" roles face.

Why is it always the woman who is characterized as such as such, and not the parents as a unit?

That was a new thought entirely, nothing to do with your post.

And like I say, because men have never fought in such numbers against their roles in a marriage, they aren't so much in debate. Also, like was discussed in another thread, women today are told to be independent, make their own decisions, and let no man influence that. Its no wonder that the assumption exists that its always up to the woman.

 

[sheeplady]

That was a new thought entirely, nothing to do with your post.

And like I say, because men have never fought in such numbers against their roles in a marriage, they aren't so much in debate. Also, like was discussed in another thread, women today are told to be independent, make their own decisions, and let no man influence that. Its no wonder that the assumption exists that its always up to the woman.

Oh, sorry, C-Dot. I understood that was a new thought by you, and I wanted to let you know that I agreed, but clarify that I was talking about women in my post. I wasn't offended or anything like that and I didn't mean to offend you. I really do think that men who take on child caring roles often get the very short end of the stick. If us women think it is bad, I'd reccommend that we walk a mile in a primary father caretaker's shoes.

I find the whole thing rather frustrating. I consider myself a feminist. That means I believe that we should respect those choices that people make in things like childcare and that both sexes have the ability to make decisions that are intelligent. And if you read anybody's decisions on here- people who have made the choice to stay at home or work, you'll see that they often mention that perhaps they or their partner felt one way or the other, but ultimately "they" decided- even if it is something they decided before they ever had children or married or whatever. Nobody has come on here and said "I decided to stay at home/ work and told my partner to shove it."

I find the attitude that women are more valuable than men (and therefore they get to make this decision alone) to be deplorable. (Although some feminists feel that way, not everyone who identifies as a feminist does.) Both because that goes against my personal beliefs that people are of equal value, but also because that is not how it works in the real world. I think that, in some ways, the people who use the attitude that women get to make this decision alone, just want to be able blame other women for whatever decision is made. It's just hating on women in another form, with a nice window dressing of "female empowerment."

I agree with you, it is mainly other women who are downgrading, demonizing, and harassing other women about their family's choices.

 

[C-dot]

Well written, and no offense taken whatsoever

Marriage really isn't seen as a partnership anymore, especially by men. The old "ball and chain" joke has become somewhat of a reality in their eyes. I'm not surprised at the high rate of divorce today, what with the whole female empowerment idea: Empowerment does not equal superiority. Women didn't want to be subservient to men, so why is society telling us it needs to be the other way around? How can you have a partnership that way?

The real ideas behind feminism has been butchered with time - Equality doesn't enter into it anymore, and look what it does to relationships. I think that's sad.

 

[Gregg Axley]

We try to do things equally at home.
Oh sure I seem to be the one mowing the grass all the time, funny how that works out.
My wife actually makes more than I do.
Am I mad? No, I'm happy because it gives us a chance to save money and buy things if we want them, while giving to others that need them.
Sometimes duties at home don't work out evenly, but so what?
I'm thankful to have help doing things around here, it could be worse, I could be the ONLY one doing them. I work with a few guys that do this, and they ARE married. :eeek:

 

[scottyrocks]

I have very mixed feelings about this topic, especially when it comes to children.

My daughter never went through separation anxiety because she was handed off to day care at 3 1/2 months old. I was quite torn about it at the time, giving my almost newborn to practical strangers, but my (ex-) wife had no qualms about going back to work, and there was no way she was going to be a stay at home mom.

As we moved from place to place, my daughter adapted perfectly to each new day care, with the exception of one, and it turned out that place wasn't right for her, as her entire personality changed shortly after she started attending there. We pulled her out and found a new place and her usual cheery bubbliness returned immediately.

My daughter turned out a very happy and independent sort. I'm not going to second guess what she'd be like if her mother was a stay-at-home-full-time.

 

[shazzabanazza]

I personally think now days with the economic situation being what it is, its very difficult to have the opportunity to be a "stay at home mum". Im all for stay at home mothers, I think its great to be there in those vital years of the childs life. I was a stay at home mum for the first 2 years of both my childrens lives, then they started at preschool. Im now studying so they both go to preschool together and they are thriving. I do miss those days being at home with them though. Also I think that the modern generation has lost the skill of econimising, making the most of what they have and can afford on their budget...