The School Bully

[Fletch]

My bully was a teacher – a very straitlaced, prickly character (never trust a man who teaches 10th grade math in a pale blue 3-piece suit with a tie tac hidden underneath the blade :whistling) who really micromanaged the class experience. If a kid seemed resistant, he'd lay aside his Mr. Neat persona and lay some self-righteous anger on us. Then, with characteristic surface control, he'd put on a dry smirk and snap right back to the subject matter, as if nothing had happened that shouldn't have. It made it hard paying attention or caring about class unless you made up your mind to take the attitude.

I called him on his personal style pretty early in the term and got transferred out of his class (something few kids had ever tried to do). When he came back to sub-teach the class I was in, he'd cleaned up his act noticeably. He was pleasant, even a little light, but all business (which he hadn't been before - it was 85% business and 15% I'm-the-boss-and-don't-you-forget-it).

Maybe the experience taught my teacherbully something positive, but it didn't make me feel particularly empowered. I learned to avoid controlling people, rather than stand up for myself, and I've paid for it over the years.

 

[imoldfashioned]

My school bully was Lee Hallsten. Unfortunately, our last names alphabetically near so we were always thrown together--his locker was by mine, I had to sit near him in daily chapel. Nightmare. If I never see him again it will be too soon. I didn't go to my 20th reunion last year but if I had I would have avoided him. I don't want an apology--I just want him gone from my life.

The person might have changed but in my experience jerks and bullies remain so--maybe that's why he became a teacher, so he could lord over a new generation. I would advise indulging in revenge fantasies, writing emails that you don't send but steering clear in real life.

 

[Baron Kurtz]

Never let go of your grudges. They are psychologically useful.

I was bullied all through school, and now rejoice at being the most successful of our class. I love going back to that terrible little town and flaunting the fact that i am better than them. I hate - truly despise - these people, and am filled with inner joy when i hear of the latest overdose or attack on the street. Karmas a b**** as they say.

bk

 

[RetroModelSari]

Funnily one of my former bullys called me up some years ago. He had found my name in a telephone book. We actually had a rather nice talk (I wouldn´t have expected that cause he and his pals made my life a nightmare for several years) and I secretly was pleased to hear he has a rather low job now. *lol*

Anyway I hope there´ll be a reunion with all of them some day cause I have changed so much in my looks and I´m probalby the only one that really got her dreams fullfiled. I just can´t wait to someday march in in perfect ladylike vintage clothes and everyone wondering "Who the hell is that???". And I´d love to see their faces when they hear what I have reached in my life so far lol Most of them proably didn´t even leave the town. I sound arrogant, but I think everyone that has been bullied for beeing differnet and was called ugly can feel with me.

So I´d say it´s up to you if you want to get in contact with that guy or not but don´t bother too much about it cause you don´t have to. Do it if you´re just too curious, but if you´re not let it be.

 

[Quigley Brown]

My freshman year all the bullys were seniors. I was a smart-mouthed, nerdy freshman and it got me in trouble all the time so I sort of deserved the bullying. Of course my luck I had gym class with all these guys. How I made it out of the locker room alive is a miracle.

 

[CharlieH.]

I've gone through lots of bullies throughout my entire education. The first one was this redneck kid who kept calling names at me and stealing my stuff. Then in elementary school, I had a more passive kind of bully that instead of going for the traditional beatings and underwear tamperings, went out of his way to annoy me in the smallest, yet most pinching ways. Can't remember any exact instances of that, though.

Then came middle school, and a slew of new and assorted bullies. There was the fella that threw accusations of homosexuality upon the slightest sign of unmanliness (which included everything from eating sweets to talking to a buddy), the snooty little rich kid that flaunted his fortunes and mocked us proletariats, the dope that compensated his own stupidity by calling others stupid, the notorious shovers, the rambunctious oafs that were always ready for a tumble by the basketball court, the mama's boy that would accuse you with his parents over the slightest "offence", the perennially obnoxious cur that would repeat everything you said, the traditional brute, the haughty girlies, the phoney lovers, the merciless taunters, the prematurely sex-crazed cads that related everything to the dimensions of one's privates (My ties, in my case... my vintage length ties), the sharp wits that would wisecrack you to tears, the thiefs, the pickpockets, the cut throats, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, train robbers, bank robbers and Methodists! This persisted until high school, and much to my unrepressed jubilations, some of those villains were eventually busted (as in a bona fide arrest).

Now, you'd imagine that in college, people would be mature enough to leave bullying behind... but that's only half true. Right in my class lies a rogue, bushy-browed fiend, who beguiles in conning, scheming, cheating and other forms of scoundrelous deeds.

Now, how would I cope? I'd humilliate them in cartoons.

 

[Elaina]

I had 2...one was a teacher that I still can't stand. I was entering a national poerty competition, and he told me, very loudly and in front of not just my class, but the one after that, that I would never be a writer, as he was going to always be better then I, and write the great American novel to boot.

He was fired before I found out that I got an honorable mention in the contest. While I didn't win, that was not something to sneeze at either.

When I sold my final piece to be considered a pro for the writer's association, I sent him a copy of the magazine and a copy of all my writer's info with a post it on the cover stating "Not bad for a kid who "couldn't string 2 words together and would never amount to anything but a drunken failure lamenting about how they used to have talent" and signed it with my maiden name. To this date, he has remained unpublished.

The other was a girl that put all her problems off on me. I worked in a different city, so everything she did on the weekends, she came back and said it was me (like I was the school tramp, which was interesting, since I wore white to my first wedding because I earned it) or that I had an abortion, you get the idea. I ran over her with her car in HS, and she contacted me to tell me how wonderful her life was a few years ago. I replied, and she periodically tells me stuff.

 

[Rosie]

I was never bullied though I guess I should have been, being a fat girl and all. Truthfully, I've always had this aire of "I'm cute and I know I am or I'm better than the rest of you" so no one ever really bothered me.

I would say forget the guy. High school was how many years ago? You are a wonderful woman, a mom and have a great life. Don't dwell on the past.

 

[dr greg]

same old story

Being redheaded, small in stature, top of the class, and regularly professionally employed in musical theatre and as a model, do I need to say how much I was bullied and called a fag at high school?
I carried a knife at all times, and could usually handle one ruffian at a time, but regularly I was attacked by up to 6 guys, often egged on by the teachers. It cost my parents a fortune in torn schoolwear, It got so bad at one school I had to hire bodyguards from the football team, paying them in cigarettes to keep me from the daily beatings at the bus-stop.
One of my main tormentors later came out as gay and couldn't handle it then hung himself, a couple are dead from heroin, and where the rest are I neither know nor care, I've never attended a school reunion in 35 years and never will: if I saw someone with my Old School Tie on, I'd garrotte them with it.
I couldn't find an old school friend if I tried, that's the good thing about it; I went out into the world and never looked back.
Success is the best revenge.

 

[Curt Chiarelli]

You've really touched-off a compelling subject for a thread! As for myself, I completely empathize with several of the folks who've already replied. As a child I was severly bullied on the playground and then, when I came home, I was bullied by my father.

By my 18th birthday I had already survived innumerable savage beatings - always with odds of at least 3 to 1; an ostensible "joke" by 4 jocks to drag me into the deep end of the school swimming pool when they knew I could not swim; brutal hazings; social ostracization; an attempt to spike my Coke with narcotics at a party; threats, betrayals, thefts, abandonments and humiliations beyond count and, not to mention, the crowning flourish of several occasions where beer bottles were winged at my head from speeding muscle cars during the summer after high school graduation - all the handiwork of my dearly beloved fellow classmates. For the sake of decorum I won't even delve into my relationship with my family.

Suffice it to say - and for what it may be worth to you - over the years I've gained some insights into the bully mind. Sometimes one factor explains their behaviour, but usually it's several interrelated issues acting together in a constellation:

- The first, and most common, is an abusive family profile and the low self esteem that results from that kind of psychologically traumatic environment.

- The second is an immature sexuality that can only express itself in brutal, harrassing behaviour - and in some cases of men bullying men, a poorly integrated ego-dystonic homosexual component is very present. (You would be shocked to know how many of those burly, manly, intensely homophobic jocks have a severely repressed lech for the thin, fey, boyish types.)

- The third is, of course, the usual sadistic inclinations coupled with an anti-social personality disorder.

- The fourth possibility is that they are intensely jealous of anyone smarter than themselves.

There is an ancient Sicilian proverb that states that revenge is a dish best served cold. That's nonsense: it's at its tastiest when served piping hot! Although I've had the deeply satisfying opportunity of punishing some for their transgressions over the intervening years, I feel that the best, most constructive and dignified instrument of exacting vengence has always been success and the re-channeling of those otherwise corrosive emotions into a creative outlet. In a universe devoid of God, man becomes, by default, his own steward. Therefore it's our duty and responsibilty to ourselves and our society to keep the scales of justice balanced and in harmony.

Furthermore, compassion for these troglodytes is a default option by the very fact that they are human (not by a wide margin, but a fellow human being nonetheless) - but under no condition allow them back into your life. Shut them out completely. Feel pity for such pathetic, stunted creatures and be satisfied in the certain knowledge that they are agonizing in the midst of their own customized version of Hell.

 

[Amelie]

what kills me is how differently everyone reacts to those kind of things. I've always been on the weak side, even though not half of what had happened to some of you happened to me, I reacted like I was the most humiliated human being in the world... ( I mean, I knew I wasn't totally a martyr, but it really affected me deeply, even compared to some people I know who had to face things harder than mine)

I really have to work on that

 

[Matthew Dalton]

Do you think much of it could perhaps be attributed to natural, animal behaviour? Bad upbringing always seems to be present. But a bully's actions to me are mirrored in the animal kingdom. Males competing for the Alpha role, the pack ganging up on perceived weakness, trying to impress and/or possess the local females etc.

 

[Curt Chiarelli]

what kills me is how differently everyone reacts to those kind of things. I've always been on the weak side, even though not half of what had happened to some of you happened to me, I reacted like I was the most humiliated human being in the world... ( I mean, I knew I wasn't totally a martyr, but it really affected me deeply, even compared to some people I know who had to face things harder than mine)

I really have to work on that

Don't beat yourself up over this. Some of us merely put up a braver front than others. I can almost assure you that the depth and intensity of your feelings are universally shared by most - if not all - of us.

 

[Elaina]

Perhaps, but I thinks it's more along the lines of people need to make someone else feel bad so they feel better.

I was one of these that was too artsy to fit in, now I find that those same kidds from school try to get me to sew for them "for old times' sake." I get the emails and stuff about reunions, but I have no desire to see any of them again, I was always the one that got angry, and consequently even, when it did happen (like finding the abortion record with her name on it and making a ton of copies and leaving them around the school in conspicious places.) I didn't have it all that bad, but I had a weird name, I was strange, and I didn't care about the petty BS of school. I had better things, to do in my spare time, one of which was supporting myself because my family sucked.

I do, however, still keep in touch with all the nerds I went to school with, and my best friend (going on 17 years now) has horror stories therapy hasn't helped.

You do what's best for you, really. I can talk to them and barb them with seemingly innocent comments (I may not have money, but I certainly am a happy and loved person. Not something some of the bullies could say), my friend wants to kill them and bathe in their blood. But then I've never claimed to be a nice person.

 

[Curt Chiarelli]

Do you think much of it could perhaps be attributed to natural, animal behaviour? Bad upbringing always seems to be present. But a bully's actions to me are mirrored in the animal kingdom. Males competing for the Alpha role, the pack ganging up on perceived weakness, trying to impress and/or possess the local females etc.

Yes, a strong component of biological determinism is present in the equation. We, along with almost every other member of the animal kingdom (with the noted exception of the Bonobo apes), are genetically hard-wired and prioritized to A) increase the odds of the organism's survival; and B) to assure the continuance of the organism's genes into the next generation. This is achieved through a number of instinctual and adaptive strategies. Some include cooperative behaviour . . . . whilst others are brutally competitive, including the bullying other species members. Mother Nature sure is a swell dame!

 

[Matthew Dalton]

(with the noted exception of the Bonobo apes)

Taking after them more could be interesting for a while.

 

[Curt Chiarelli]

Taking after them more could be interesting for a while.

I'll second that motion!

 

[BonnieJean]

Boy, this thread has really hit a nerve with a bunch of us!
I echo the same childhood story as being on the tormented end of bullies. In junior high several boys made every day of school miserable for me. I learned to be a turtle and just keep things bottled up inside. I was never part of that "popular crowd", but there was always others around me getting bullied as well. I did have the most interesting set of friends. When you're a "reject" in the public school society, you tend to bond with other "rejects". From the bullying I received in junior high and in high school as well, I learned empathy for those less fortunate. Even today, I still champion "the little guy" and the down-trodden. I refuse to look down at those that society thinks may be unworthy. Its sad, but some of the "popular" girls still act just like they did in high school, and its been 30 years since we graduated!

I also homeschooled my children and they've never really experienced the bullies that are prevalent in schools, even though we've had our share of bullies in our small town. I've raised my two sons not to think themselves better than others and to be compassionate. I'm proud to say they're both Eagle Scouts and seem to be doing well as young adults.

Several months ago I came face to face with a former bully. She was pleasant and even spoke about the upcoming reunion. I don't think she remembered the torment she inflicted upon me and others those years long ago. For a fleeting moment the pain from my past came rushing over me, but I quickly let it go and that is what I'd tell you to do also. Life is too short to be stressing over the past. I'm a firm believer of "what goes around, comes back around". I'll bet if you polled people on the street everyone would have some type of "being bullied" experience in their past.
My grandmother told me once that we can either be bitter about our past or we can be better. I have chosen the latter.

 

[Maj.Nick Danger]

what kills me is how differently everyone reacts to those kind of things. I've always been on the weak side, even though not half of what had happened to some of you happened to me, I reacted like I was the most humiliated human being in the world... ( I mean, I knew I wasn't totally a martyr, but it really affected me deeply, even compared to some people I know who had to face things harder than mine)

I really have to work on that

Everyone has been there, and bullies know this instinctively.
Desensitize. Rationalize. A bully is always inherently weaker than his or her victims. A bully always possesses no real self confidence, and no real self esteem.
If it involves verbal abuse, remain calm in the fact that it is you that is in the right. The best reply to a hail of insults such as "You are this, or you are a so and so." is a simple question like "Why?" Works every time.

 

[Amelie]

Well, I didn't mean to say I still had to face those issues, I am lucky enough to count those problems behind me
What I mean is that I have too try to think about why people reacts so differently lol