The Era -- Day By Day

[LizzieMaine]

And finally...

All over Bensonhurst, lights snap on as a piercing scream wafts out into the chilly night...

 

[Fading Fast]

I bet Mr. Hansel was very lonely when they banned Esquire from the mails.

No kidding, plus: "Al Hansel, Kelly St., Bronx, executive."

"executive." Challenge!

 

[LizzieMaine]

VIce President in charge of bank shots, Rafferty's Billiard Academy.

 

[LizzieMaine]

("Yeh," sighs Joe, sitting in a reflective mood atop an overturned stewpot, "I r'membeh like it was yestehday. T' Awrmistice. Y'shoulda been'neh awn Lennid Street, aw, I'm tellin' ya. Ev'rybody runnin' aroun' screamin' an' hollerin' an' shoot'n awff fiehcrackehs an' blowin' awn hawrns. Ol' Man Petroff was out'teh blowin' on a tuba. BOMP BOMP BOMP till 'e 'bout passed out fr'm t'strain. I was, what, five yeehs ol', five'na half, an' I r'membeh awluvit. I was out t'eh wit' awla rest'v'm, an'neh was t'ese boys t'eh, t'is crowda boys haddis dummy'a t' Kaiseh t'ey was gonna hang awff a trolley pole on Graham Aveneh, but t'ey couldn' get t'rope t'catch. So t'ey grabbed me, an' says 'heeh, you shinny up t'eh an' t'row t'is rope oveh t'beam t'eh.' So, you know, I wanna get alawng wit' t'big kids, so I take t' rope an' I shinny up t' pole, an' I get up t'eh an'nen I stawrt t'panic 'cause I don' know how t'get back down. An' I stawrt screamin' an' I slip an' fawl awff, an' I land right on toppa t'is big fat cawp. An'nen, while ev'rybody's runnin' aroun', heeh comes Lina -- t'at's me sisteh -- heeh comes Lina swingin' 'is stove pokeh an' yellin' an' swearin' --" "Heh!" chuckles the Corporal. "Yeh," grins Joe, amused by the memory. "Y'know t'at woid ya awrways sayin' 'neh.." "Muthuh..." begins the Corporal. "Yeh," nods Joe, "on'y what Lina is cawlin'nese kids is, in Lit'uanian -- well, wit' a toikey." "Ah," laughs the Corporal. "Ah'll haftuh r'membuh that'un." "Anyways," sighs Joe, "Lina dragged me home, an' about knocked me head awff f'doin'nat, an' nat's how I spent Awrmistice Day. How 'bout 'choo? Wheh was you when ya foun' out?" "Wasn' nowheauh," shrugs the Corporal. "Ah wasn' bo'n yet." Joe gapes at his colleague and stares into his rough, stubbled face. "Lissen," he demands. "How ol' AWR you?" "Nahnteen," replies the Corporal. "Gawdawmighty," exhales Joe...)

A solemn V-E Day observance participated in by all the people of Brooklyn was called for today by Mrs. T. L. Schwartz upon her appointment as chairman of the V. E. Day Committee of the Brooklyn C. D. V. O unit of the 16th Precinct. "Participation in wild parties, or engaging on other unbecoming activities," she declared, "will be in the nature of a sacrilege to the memory of our fallen heroes." SHe warned against any "emotional, hysterical, or hilarious outbursts" when victory in Europe will only mean that the war is half over.

("Get a load," snickers Jimmy Leary, his feet propped atop a crate in the back room at F. Leary and Sons Plumbing and Heating. "Eveh wanna go straight, heeh's ya chance!" "Heh!" chuckles Danny Leary, as he shakes a measure of floor sweepings and chopped tobacco stems into a small cigarette-rolling machine bolted to the workbench. The light mood darkens considerably, however, with the sudden snick of a key in a lock, followed immediately by an unmistable voice. "OI KNOW YAAAAR IN THERE!" the voice bellows. "T' ol lady!" gulps Jimmy. "Out t'back," hisses Danny, scrambling for the door into the alley, but he is too late. A dark shadow fills the door to the back room, with the unmistakable glint of bright nickel sparking just ahead of it. "Don't neithar woona ya move," growls Ma. "Aaahhr yee'll be shaapin' farr new kneecaps." She beckons with her revolver. "Take a seat boys," she commands. "An' staaaahrt taaaahlkin'. What's gooooin' ahhn here? WHARRR'S YE FAAATHER?" The boys exchange desperate gapes. "WELL????" demands Ma, her thumb slowly drawing back on the hammer...)

(Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick...)

(Mmmm. Bilge.)

(Yellow footballs? Is MacPhail back?)

(I'd like to see Mary Worth ask that question...)

(It's OK, Mary, we'll just hit YOU on the head and you'll forget all about it.)

(Careful, Adolph, those aren't shoulder pads...)

("Heavy?" With that waist?)

(AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE HERO DOG never lets personal misgivings interfere with the performance of his duties.)

 

[LizzieMaine]

And in the Daily News...

"Orson?"

Or just look under your seat. Wait -- yuck, that's the Mirror.

Hey, everybody's got to have a side hustle.

Coming events...

Before lunchtime it'll be all over town.

Aren't you cold?

Annnnnnd how.

Welp, might as well eat the cake.

"Besides, have you seen the cost of ether lately?"

At least he didn't scratch it into the -- ah -- trunk.

 

[Fading Fast]

"I'd never forgive myself if my heckling her with questions caused her to..."

A perfect time for soul-searching that I'll bet Mary lets sail by blithely unaware.

 

[LizzieMaine]

("Noel Cowehd!" spits Sally. "Who't'hell is shoot'n at Noel Cowehd! Who drug Noel Cowehd away'f'm'is fam'ly, made 'im loin t'shoot a gun, sen'im t' bakehs school, t'rew 'im awna boat an' sen'nim t' France t'ride arouna truck an' maybe get shawt at by Goimans! HUH?" "Who's Noel Cowehd?" queries Alice. "Neveh hoid'v'im." "Ahhhhh," dismisses Sally, slapping the paper down hard on the concrete stoop, "ain' nobody got no grouns' t'tawk about Brooklyn, at's f'soiten. Runnin' aroun' inna white dinneh jacket singin' sawngs an' count'n 'is money while 'ez fellehs dyin'. Mickey sitt'n in a prison camp, he ain' singin' no sawngs in no white dinneh jacket! Solly Pincus oveh t'eh inna infantry, he ain' singin' no sawngs in no white dinneh jacket! An' sueh'z hell Joe ain' singin' no sawngs in no white dinneh jacket!" She pauses, flushed with anger, and flings the paper away, its pages scattering into the sidewalk. "You goin t'see Docteh Levine t'day?" queries Alice. "Yeh," sighs Sally...)

Russian troops rolling up the outer defenses of Budapest in preparation for an all-out assault yesterday toppled the eastern anchor of the enemy defense line southeast of the Hungarian capital, driving thru torrential rains to within 11 miles of Miskolc, Hungary's fifth largest city. Capturing the communications center of Ujszasz, 41 miles southeast of the capital, Red Army infantrymen assured the collapse of the enemy defense line along the Budapest-Ujszasz Railroad, where enemy forces have heretofore resisted all Soviet attempts to bypass Budapest at the east and throw a siege line aroun the imperiled city.

The roar of bursting robot bombs punctuated a grim Armistice Day observance thruout southern England yesterday but British censors have forbidden all discussion of whether the Germans are still firing their new V-2 rockets. Barely 24 hours after Prime Minister Winston Churchill confirmed that the stratospheric rocket bombs have been showering down on British soil for several weeks, Berlin declared that that the Belgian port of Antwerp was also under heavy bombardment by the new weapon., and asserted that a great area of that city, including its dock area, is in ruins. The Berlin spokesman angrily disputed Churchill's statement that the missles have proven ineffective, and declared "London's surprise will be still greater in the not to distant future."

("It's no use," sighs Danny Leary, his hands thrust into his overcoat pocket as he and his brother exit the bus terminal. "Nobody's seen 'im. T' ol' lady's gonna kill us." "Ahhhh," dismisses Jimmy. "She neveh had no bullets innat gun, y'could look right down'a cylindeh t'eh. She was jus' tryin' t' scaeh'rus, t'at's awl. She neveh did have no bite t'go wit't'eh bawrk." "She hit me oveh t'head wit' a seltzeh bot'l t'at one time," mutters Danny. "You shoulda known bett'eh," snickers Jimmy, "then t'put a slug innat slot machine." "She neveh foun' it," growls Danny. "It was t'at kid a' Sally's t'at foun' it." "I'm gett'n t'be moeh scaieht'a t'at kid," nods Jimmy, "t'an I am of Ma. One'a t'ese days t'at kid's gonna say too much, an' Sally's gonna lamp onta what's goin' awn, an'nen..." "Let's check t' Pawrt Authority nex'," sighs Danny. "Yeh," exhales Jimmy...)

(So much for Notre Dame, now on to Berlin!)

The Brooklyn Tigers will close out their home schedule at Ebbets Field this afternoon still hopes of salvaging a victory from an otherwise discouraging campaign. Gowanus Tech's next three games against the Boston Yanks, New York Giants, and Philadelphia Eagles, are all on the road.

(WHAT A CONVINCING IMPERSONATION! NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!)

(Hmph! Movie Bugs would NEVER encourage hoarding!)

(Look, what kind of a boyfriend goes over to his girlfriend's house just to sit around reading the paper?)

(And did you ALSO know a handful of oatmeal will stop a leak in your radiator? Try this complete breakfast!)

(Wait, didn't Jane Arden already do this story?)

(That's a pretty bold insinuation to insinuate about Secretary Perkins IN THE SUNDAY FUNNIES.)

(So then look, from here on, let's just whack every amnesia victim over the head with a blackjack and get on with things.)

 

[LizzieMaine]

And in the Daily News...

The Duke-Cromwell-Stotesbury story would benefit from a diagram. Never mind the other one.

"Hah!" snickers Bink Scanlan. "I love t' Hill Page. Hey, he oughta have Fatty in'eeh, huh? Hey, weh'r IS Fatty? Ain' seen'im aroun'." "Shoot oop," growls Ma, her face an ashen gray from lack of sleep, and her hands trembling. "Jooost shoot oop."

Oh, perish forbid.

When my mother did this to me, I learned how to pick the lock. It's not hard to do, these old mortise locks you can snap with a bent paper clip.

"Here you go, I put in the extra ingredient just like you asked." **wink**

We used to go to a cider mill much like this, and made the mistake of forgetting the jug in the back seat of the car. Didn't stay sweet for long...

Forgot the license?? YOU RATTLE BRAINED HEPCAT!

"Camp Is Pitched For The Night?" Didn't your editor ever talk to you about the passive voice?

It actually makes much more sense if all this was just a dream.

Abducted in a uniform that is not your own? Well that's never happened before, huh Terry?

 

[LizzieMaine]

ANd finally...

Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick....

 

[Fading Fast]

Not defending the white-dinner-jacket-wearing Coward, but will note, his (Coward wrote, co-directed, and stared-in) "In Which We Serve" is a heck of a propaganda movie. One of my favorites of WWII and there are plenty to choose from.

***********************************************************************

So then look, from here on, let's just whack every amnesia victim over the head with a blackjack and get on with things.

I'm on board; saves time and we'll get to the exact same place.

 

[LizzieMaine]

Meanwhile, as our long baseball drought looms ahead, enjoy this RKO-Pathe short subject featuring some neat footage of our own Whit "I'll Maybe Offer Him A Dollar" Wyatt and Pete "Don't Forget To Duck" Reiser going over pitching and batting fundamentals, along with a number of other National League stars of the day. Note especially elderly Honus Wagner, still in good form as a Pirates coach. Note to Sally: Sorry, no Pete Coscarart...

 

[Fading Fast]

Meanwhile, as our long baseball drought looms ahead, enjoy this RKO-Pathe short subject featuring some neat footage of our own Whit "I'll Maybe Offer Him A Dollar" Wyatt and Pete "Don't Forget To Duck" Reiser going over pitching and batting fundamentals, along with a number of other National League stars of the day. Note especially elderly Honus Wagner, still in good form as a Pirates coach. Note to Sally: Sorry, no Pete Coscarart...

In my small brain, every time I hear "Honus Wagner," it's followed by "baseball card."

 

[LizzieMaine]

It's startling to realize he went on to become a pudgy old man who would walk across the street from Forbes Field in full uniform to mooch free beers at a neighborhood bar.

Oh, and another note to Sally --- in the shot of Frankie Gustine making a neat play at second base, I think, on close observation, that might in fact be Petey playing short for the Pirates. Most of the footage in this short appears to have been shot in 1941-42, and the shortstop doesn't look like Arky Vaughan, who was, of course, traded to Brooklyn for Pete, Babe Phelps, and Luke Hamlin, a deal which like another terrible event from the winter of 1941, shall live in infamy...

 

[LizzieMaine]

("Well, I don't see why t'ey hadda t'row me outa Schriebstein's," fumes Sally. "Awl I was doin' was usin'a phone! I been usin'a phone inneh f'seven yeehs! You know how many nick'ls I spent inneh?" "Yeh," shrugs Alice, "but, I mean, two'na half houehs inneh tyin' up t' line try'na get a cawl in ta London. I mean, you oughta be happy t'ey t'rew ya out. You know what t'at woulda cawst ya?" "Ahhhhh," growls Sally, "it's t' principle'a t't'ing. Ain' Joe an' awlem ot'eh guys oveh t'eh fightin' f' free speech n'awlat? Ain' it my right as an American t'cawlat bum inna white dinneh jacket a bum to 'is face, awr 'is eeh'ra sump'n? An'nen, awntoppat'at I go oveh t' Ma's place an' SHE t'rows me out! Says I can't tie up t'phone cause she needs it f'business! What business? People awrdeh'rin egg creams by phone now? I dunno why she's gotta be in sucha rott'n mood awla time now." "Is ya Uncle Frank back yet?" queries Alice. "No," shrugs Sally. "An'nat's'a not'eh t'ing. It ain' like him t'jus' disappeeh. Y'know, it's funny, I come inneh yest'ehdat an' y'know what Ma was doin'? Lookin'at t'is ol' pitcheh she has of Pa, y'know, f'm b'foeh HE run awff. On'y time she eveh gets'at out is aroun Awrmistice Day, awr when she's really mad. When me'n Mickey was kids, an' she was soeh, she useta get out t'at pitcheh an' sweah'rat it." "I hope 'e comes back," sighs Alice, "but maybe he oughta wait a lit'l while longeh, y'know, tilla heat's awff." "What?" "Nut'n....")

Berlin stated today that strong Russian forces have smashed into Jassbereny, big transport center 31 miles east of Budapest. Moscow reported that the Red Army has established a firm beachhead across the Danube just below the Hungarian capital.

("Heh," hehs Bink Scanlan. "I t'ink I know t'em guys. T'ey ain' so tough." "Ain'chee gaat waaark t'do?" scowls Ma, her fists clenching around her cleaning rag. "I guess," shrugs Bink, popping another stick of Black Jack into her mouth. "Well BE ABOOT IT thinn!" snarls Ma. "An' dooon't think Oi don't see ye dippin' in me choo'n gom stock!" she adds as Bink saunters out. "Thaaat's coomin' oota ye pay!" Ma scowls as the door slams, and takes a deep breath. She has scarcely recovered her composure, such as it is, when the telphone rings. She lunges for the receiver. "Lieb's!" she snaps. "Is that'choo, Francis? WHO? NOOO OI DON'T WAAANT T'SELL TICKETS FARR TH' FRIENDLY BLOODY SOONS'A ST. PATRICK RAFFLE! Who is this?Shaughnessy?? Listen, has Francis been aroond there anyplace? Have ye seen'im at aaahl? What's THAT s'poosta mean? Listen here, if ye hear from him at aaahl, ye better tell me, aahr ye joost might be gettin' a caaahl froom th' O. P. A. Yarr damn roit Oi would, an' it'll pay ye t'bear it in moind! Good bye!" She slams the receiver down, looks around the store, and sees Leonora staring up at her from the end of the counter. As her granddaughter looks on incredulously, Ma squeezes shut her eyes, and begins to sob...)

("I hate snow," sighs Joe, gazing out at the landscape as the truck crunches along the ice-crusted ruts. "I r'membeh when I was awna WPA, t'ey'd put us t'woik shovelin' snow. NIneteen t'oity five, we haddis big snowstarm. Eighteen inches. Me'n Solly Pincus, we was out t'eh shovelin' wit' nut'n but cotton woik gloves awn, you know, t'em big fuzzy ones t'ey give ya? Well, I mean, we had cloe's on, but nut'n onneh han's but t'ese gloves, right? An'ney wasn' no good, ya hadda stawp ev'ry few minutes an' stuff ya han's down ya coat t'eh, down ya shoit, jus' t'keep'm f'rm freezin'." "Ah neveh see much snow down home," shrugs the Corporal. "Oh, y'get some but it doan stick aroun much." "T'ey say," sighs Joe, "it's sposta be a col' winteh t'is yeeh." The Corporal says nothing as he squirts a stream of tobacco juice out the back of the truck. "I hate snow," sighs Joe, adding his own stream...)

Mayor LaGuardia in his weekly radio broadcast over WNYC stated yesterday that an investigation by the Office of Price Administration into the cigarette black market in the city has been underway for a week, and noted that beleaguered smokers must turn to the OPA for help, since the city's Markets Department is already overwhelmed with work. Regional OPA Commissioner Daniel Woolley confirmed that a local probe of the cigarette racket is in progress, but stressed that it is too early to reveal any findings.

The Eagle Editorialist dismisses Noel Coward as "a preposterous clown" for his inferences about the courage of Brooklyn soldiers, and suggests that Brooklyn shoud ignore any further statements or productions by him so as to avoid further enriching this "convicted wartime tax dodger."

(Well, at least he's not going after bingo anymore.)

(Onion juice? No wonder he doesn't have any friends.)

("Raoul Beauton?" Well, jeez, there's your trouble right there.)

(CUT. Let's retake that last panel. C'mon, hon, you said you could act!)

(I always wondered why all scarecrows were male.)

(Being AMERICA'S NUMBER TWO HERO DOG, Trix tries harder.)

 

[LizzieMaine]

Also...

(Bido Sayao actually lived about a mile up the road from me at one time, but I can't say I ever saw her rotating her head in a continuous clockwise circle.)

 

[LizzieMaine]

And in the Daily News...

"She was wearing a negilgee that was somewhat less than adequate." Oh yeah, let's see YOUR negilgee.

Which will come first? A ten-cent fare or a 100,000 seat stadium in Flushing?

Oh, I suppose he *is* cute in a whiny sort of way.

As all the chess pieces move into position...

Who's this guy Dunninger?

"An iron slug in my glove? Huh, how'd that get there?"

Reflected glory is better than no glory at all.

No waiting period in THIS state! But we will have to hold knobhead here as a hostage until the check clears.

"Gool" is something I only ever heard a Bostonian say. Somehow I doubt Elmo would last long in Southie.

Hmph, must be a non-Equity show.

 

[LizzieMaine]

And also...

Yeah, yeah, the soap's great, but you're gonna wreck your back standing lke that.

 

[Fading Fast]

"I hate snow," sighs Joe, ...

Oh dear God, Joe's going to caught up in the Battle of the Bulge.

********************************************************************

The Eagle Editorialist dismisses Noel Coward as "a preposterous clown" for his inferences about the courage of Brooklyn soldiers, and suggests that Brooklyn shoud ignore any further statements or productions by him so as to avoid further enriching this "convicted wartime tax dodger."

"But, but, did you see my movie?" – N. Coward

*******************************************************************

"This story line isn't selling. Your readers are getting bored. You need to spice it up."
"How?"
"Soft-core décolletage."
"I won't do that; I have my principals."
"You syndicate renewal contract is coming up."

*****************************************************************

"She was wearing a negilgee that was somewhat less than adequate."

Begging the question in the study-of-logic sense of the phrase.

 

[LizzieMaine]

("YEAH!" bellows Sally, causing heads to twist around the whole length of the car. "LOTSA JOES FROM BROOKLYN!" "Who's Beatrice Lillie," queries Alice. "An' howcome she gotta haiehcut like t'at?" "Dinchoo eveh see 'er in vaudeville?" explains Sally. "She's whatchacawl a musical comedy. Me'n Mildred McCullough cut school t'is one time an' wen' inna city, an' seen'eh in a matinee. At t' Palace, yet. She was whatchacawl sophisticated." "Ahhhhhhh," nods Alice. "Like Lois DeFee." "No," disputes Sally, "she neveh took nut'n awff. Anyways, she useta woik wit' t'at Noel Cowehd an' if anybody knows what kinda bum he is she would." "I wondeh what I'd look like wit'ta haiehcut like that," ponders Alice. "A berlehmakeh," declares Sally. "A big Irish berlehmakeh." "I betteh nawt," shrugs Alice. "Siddy says me haieh's one'a me best featchehs. He's pretty sensitive 'bout haieh, y'know." "I dunno who t'is guy Joe L:ee is," grumbles Sally. "Howcome it ain' Joe Petrauskas awnneh. He's a lawt betteh lookin'nen 'nis monkey." "An'nee got a betteh haiehcut t'an Beatrice Lillie," nods Alice...)

("Ahhh," dismisses Jimmy Leary, "whatcha worried 'bout. We ain' doin'a wholesalin', t'at's awl awn Garrity. An' ya know if t'ey pinch him he ain' gonna tawk, not wit'..." "Yeah, yeah," injects Danny. "But what if 'e does! We betteh go tawk t'Doyle." "Ain'choo read t'awrticle?" scoffs Jimmy, "th' city ain' gonna do nut'na'bouttit! It's awl onna OPA, an' you know t'at..." "Well now boys!" comes a hearty voice as the door swings open. "Oi see aaahl is moovin' alaaaahng noicely!" "POP!" blurt the twins in perfect unison. "Wheh you BEEN?" demands Jimmy. "T'ol' lady's awna rampage!" blurts Danny. "Um, I mean Ma's awna rampage." "Ahhh," chuckles Uncle Frank, stripping the cellophane from a fresh cigar. "Oi'm saaahry t'hear that." "Y'gonna tell us what's goin' on?" persists Jimmy. "Y' disappeah f'ra week an' don' tell nobody nut'n?" "Gimme a light, son," requests Uncle Frank. "An' doon't boot inta mattaars that's noona'ye consarrn.")

Leaders of the new Liberal Party, whose support for the Roosevelt-Truman ticket in the latest election proved its significance in state and city politics, plan to meet at the Hotel Claridge tomorrow to determine the role that awaits the party in the upcoming 1945 municipal elections. The new party was formed last wing by several former leaders of the right wing of the American Labor Party, who bolted that organization after charging that it had fallen under the domination of a Communist faction. Among those who left the ALP during that controversy were David Dubinsky, head of the International Ladies Garment Workers Union, former ALP gubernatorial nominee Dean Alfange, and former State Controller Joseph V. O'Leary. Hatters Union leader Alex Rose has been appointed Liberal Party chairman and will preside over the planning conference. While the leaders of the new party were all strong supporters of Mayor LaGuardia in the 1941 mayoral election, the Liberal group has taken no firm position yet on whether it will back him again should he choose to run in 1945.

("Correction, doctor -- YOU are an ickie.")

("Huh!" snorts Bink Scanlan. "Buncha hicks!" "What?" demands Ma, distracted by her own dark thoughts. "Nut'n," snickers Bink, flicking with the skill of a stage magician a pack of Black Jack up her jacket sleeve. As Ma is formulating a reply, the door jingles open, and her jaw drops. "Did'jee miss me?" grins Uncle Frank, his face ruddy with good cheer. "Get oot," hisses Ma, and Bink scuttles to the door. "Good luck, Fatty," she whispers as she exits, as Ma steps slowly from behind the counter...)

("New Scoring Plays?" YEAH YA THINK???)

(The goose thinks he's proposing. All right, let's see Mary Worth top THAT.)

("Link Wayne?" Oh, come now.)

(Once you start walking like that it's a tough habit to break.)

("No, no, it's GALLOPIN' goldfish!" -- Irwin Higgs.)

(Look, if you want to *stay* AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE HERO DOG, you've got to put in the effort.)

 

[LizzieMaine]

And..

("There you go, a column and a half. You want more? I can give you more.)