Strike Up A Conversation

[happyfilmluvguy]

This is a little continuation of this past thread but more along the lines of both the shy and the outgoing and in between. Today on my way home on a bus, I was looking around curiously and spotted this girl, probably in her 20s, sitting and appeared to be text messaging on her cell phone and smiling. She had a knotted type of hairdo and looked as if she could probably make herself at home here.

Well, the person who was occupying the seat beside her left, I thought to myself to sit down, without the thought of speaking, really. I quietly asked if I could sit next to her and she accepted and I sat. For about a minute, I was contemplating whether or not to strike up a conversation. I have difficulties speaking to people in general and even more so to women who are attractive. My heart was pounding and my hands shaking, but I took a deep breath and waiting until she was looking straight ahead to catch her attention and began by making a comment about her hairdo.

I had noticed it before, so I thought that would be a good subject to begin with. I asked her how long it took to do it and she said that she was having a bad hair day and that it was difficult to do. I said that I have the same situation. I asked if she has ever done any vintage hairdos and she said that a friend of hers has done it for her but she has trouble. I recommended another website (my apologies ) called Nocturne.net, which has a section on fingerwaves and rolls and such. I also mentioned the book, "1940s Hairstyles".

She seemed a little distant, as if she wasn't in that talking mood, and even mentioned she has days like that, but I went on. We talked about various things. I tend to talk about myself unselfishly and see if the person can relate somehow, but she hardly said much about herself and wasn't budging. I tried to keep up the conversation until my stop was approaching. I said that it was nice talking to her, and she said it was nice meeting me, no name exchange, no phone number, just plain conversation. We shook hands and I left. I thought to myself that perhaps she had thought I was going to try to "pick her up" so to speak, but no, and the funny thought of her confusion made me smile. Whether or not we ever meet again, I don't know, but it seemed like we could get along pretty well as friends. After awhile of talking, she opened up a bit, which was an accomplishment in itself.

So how do you approach a conversation between a stranger? What is your strategy and does it extend further into a friendship?

 

[CharlesB]

the easiest way, i swear to god on this, is to start with a Hey How Are You. Every relationship, as well as one nite stand, has been based around this simple phrase.

 

[Lincsong]

You did good by bringing up something about her. Good Job!:eusa_clap

 

[CharlesB]

With most people, asking how someone is is a way for them to let down their guard. This lets you in and gi ves you insight in to that person. For women, it essentially gives you their play book. Nothing works as well as gentlemanly civility and the art of making someone crack a smile

 

[Miss 1929]

Good for you!

It sounds as though she may have been as shy as you! So you may have made it easier for her to have a conversation.
It's very brave to talk to strangers when it doesn't come naturally, I am impressed!

 

[Socrets]

First of all, Kudos on talking to her!! Don't worry about being shy, even the most extroverted of people can be shy.

As far as the whole conversation with strangers thing, the "hey how are you" ice breaker is always nice but I like a little variation in life and pretty much everyone else does "hey how are you". Personally, with strangers, I don't really start off conversations by asking how they are because it just seems to me that it's getting a little too personal to ask someone who doesn't know me. Normally, I just start off by just breaking the ice with a small comment about a broad non-personal topic like the weather or something that anyone can relate to or maybe something venue specific and follow it up with asking them what their opinion (although, sometimes I seem to be a little too strong about it.) about it then try to move onto a tangent that in someway applies to them or something that they may know something about. I prefer not to go into the other person's personal details unless they specifically mention it or it seems like that's make a good tangent. Oh and body language is key, so smile, don't slouch and sound friendly. As for the extension into friendship, I've had mixed results, some people I've never seen again and others I've run into a frequent basis or occasionally run into. Of course, I go to a small state university so how this could apply to the real world is a bit questionable. Oh and be true to yourself and who you are. Nobody likes a liar (unless he's damn funny (okay, I lie. People don't like funny liars. They just hate them less than boring liars.)).

Having the guts to talk to strangers is (at least in my opinion) one of those qualities that you aren't born with, you just have to make a habit of it by practicing. Up until the beginning of my second semester of college, I wasn't really comfortable talking to strangers. In fact, I still don't talk to many strangers but that's just a matter of personal preference. If you wanna have fun while talking to strangers, I'd suggest you take up Swing dancing (preferably Lindy Hop). Aside from helping me lose twenty pounds and lowering my cholesterol level in only several months, I can credit swing dancing with helping me become a bit more open. I've actually had some pretty interesting conversations involving everything from cowboys and squirrels to politics. And if you're the bookish type that enjoys a good read, I happen to have a have a small list of useful literature handy. Just ask.

P.S.
Hope this helps a little.

 

[happyfilmluvguy]

Definitely does. Maybe I will see her again, as she said she got into a car accident and has been taking the bus since. Who knows. I want to read more about how others start talking.

 

[BegintheBeguine]

Seth, I am so excited about these events transpiring. I have only your best wishes at heart as you are such a nice person. So many times I wish a vintage man would speak to me yet, alas, nothing. Every day my friends here in town bemoan the fact that it is difficult it is to meet nice like-minded people, and they are not even vintage. Good luck to you and I am so envious of her!
Ashley

 

[thunderw21]

I have a similar problem. I'm very shy and have a hard time starting a conversation. If I know someone it's easy for me to talk to them but strangers scare me to death.

Tonight I went to a dance (modern kind, not swing) and spent much of the time sitting watching the action or hanging around guys I know. To be honest, unfamiliar ladies scare me a bit. There are plenty I'd like to get to know but don't have the guts.

I think it really comes down to being brave enough to strike up a conversation, starting out simple as everyone else here has said. Personality is the winning factor and if you show a bit few ladies (and even gents) will reject you. Now I just need to take my own advice. :eusa_doh:

Good topic though, I know how it is.

 

[happyfilmluvguy]

The best part about advice is that it is yours and you may use is as much as other people.

Any outgoing people who have a strategy? I've had friends who are outgoing and have seen a few, and sometimes it's interesting how they start talking to one person and the next moment they're surrounded by a group.

 

[LocktownDog]

See, I have the opposite problem. I'm not shy enough. I tend to walk right up to strangers and say something completely stupid and insulting. At PetCo yesterday, a father and his teenage son were waiting in line ... both with long scraggly mulletts, tank tops, flip flops (it was snowing, mind you), and each holding a pet snake. They were standing in front of me. A lovely older lady was behind me. I turned to her and said something along the lines of: "Look at this genius. Must have escaped from the Dukes Of Hazard role-playing convention. And he has a Mini-Me ... what a lucky stroke for mankind."

I was giggling. She laughed but looked uncomfortable. The big redneck told me to do something quite physically impossible. I swear I've got Tourettes.

Richard

 

[Emmababy]

dude you've gotta learn to whisper

 

[LocktownDog]

dude you've gotta learn to whisper

My mom's been telling me that for 38 years. I'll catch on sooner or later.

Richard

 

[MAGNAVERDE]

Seth, when I first saw your other thread, I didn't have time to reply and when I got back to the forum, it had taken on a life of its own and didn't need my input.

Even so, I can relate to both topics. I'm the historian for a National Historic Landmark here in the city, and as such, I've given tours to thousands of people, many of them high-profile architects & designers & city planners, and some of them people for whom I have great respect. Even so, I've never been shy or even nervous in the role of talking to strangers (even in large groups) for the simple reason that I know more, much more, than any of them. A few years ago, one of the local papers conducted one of those "Best of Chicago" polls, and I was voted Chicago's Best Tour Guide, which was nice, even though I had already been telling people the same thing for years. The award just made it official.

Anyway, I got the award not because I was smartest or because I had more facts at my disposal than other guides in other places, but because of the simple reason that I was funnier and more relaxed than everybody else. My tour may be crammed full of information, but I got all that information out of books, which means that if people are only interested in a bunch of facts, they can get them the same place I did--at the library. No, my job is not to barrage people with factoids but to make those isolated bits of knowledge facts into a coherent, seamless whole, to make sure that people have a good time when they're with me,and, basically, to make them fall in love with the building, to make them feel it's the greatest thing they've ever seen in their lives, which is exactly the way many of them feel. I know that because they tell me so as they're going out the door. If, on every tour I do, at least a few people don't tell me that mine was the best tour they ever had in their life, then I did something wrong. At any rate, to make that happen for people, I have to connect with them at a much deeper level than as a mere dispenser of facts & figures & dates.

I say all the above not to brag, but merely as a contrasting prelude to my real point: that despite my confidence when I am in charge & people are coming to see me and my place, I am still painfully shy when faced with a bunch of peiople I don't know & who are not there especially to see me. In fact, among an unfocused crowd like that, rather than playing the group like a piano, I become all but invisible.

One time, when I was at a big-bucks fundraiser for another historic building, I was introduced to a local celebrity who told me I looked familiar. I asked her if she'd been on a tour at my place recently--knowing full well that she had, since everyone in town knows who she is since and I remembered seeing her in my audience just a few weeks before. Her eyes lit up with recognition. "Of course! You remind me of the young man who does the tours there!"

I explained that it was I who had conducted her on the tour, and she paused, thought for a moment, then shook her head. "No. I can see the resemblance, but it wasn't you, definitely not." I laughed and explained that I was the only person who did the tours there. She still shook her head. "Maybe you were off that day. This guy was much younger, and more engaging." Then she turned away, annoyed by an unremarkable nobody pretending to be someone he wasn't.

What's my point? That there's more than one version of me: the funny, fast-talking, guy with the magnetic personality that can joke around with a whole roomful of people and the guy for whom a room full of mixed strangers is a cause for fear. Over time, I'v learned to overcome the fear and to talk to strangers, but it's still work to do it. and to do it in a way that doesn't look forced. So be assured you're hardly the only one to have to deal with the problem. You have lots of company, including some people you'd never suspect.

As for this particular subject--initiating conversations with strangers--I find the easiest thing, especially if you're on a bus, or waiting in line, is to start talking immediately, like you do it all the time, like it's no big deal. Starting up after a period of silence implies planning on your part, and nothing can kill spontaneous give-&-take like a too-carefully-phrased question or comment.

Which leads me to a thing I told a pal of mine: He's an incredibly handsome guy, women go all silly around him, and he has no problem getting dates, but for a long time after his divorce, he never got more than one. Sometimes, in fact, he couldn't even get one because he would get all tongue-tied around attractive women and say stuff that was either so involved that it was incoherent or so fragmented that he just sounded stupid, which is weird, because he's not only good-looking, he's also very smart. And funny. But whatever the problem was, he had a way of turning women off. I think it was his palpable smell of fear.

He's painfully shy because, although he's good-looking now, he was a funny-looking liitle fat kid growing up, and lwell into his adult life he still thought of himself in those terms, so he therefore assumed that no woman would be interested in him for anything but his money, which thought made him even more tongue-tied and fearful than otherwise. And even good looks--and money-can't make up for a yawning, gaping pit where your self-confidence should be.

So I told him that before he could speak to a pretty woman with confidence, he had to start talking to ALL women, (whether or not he found them attractive, and whether or not he was looking for a date) and that it wasn't until he could speak to ANY woman in a casual-but-friendly manner that he had any hope of ever getting as as far as an actual date that meant anything.

So he practiced small talk about the weather & the traffic with old ladies in line at the Piggly Wiggly, and he learned to offer a brief glance & a simple smile--no words, no intense staring, no winking, no eyebrow action--at women he passed on the street, and he forced himself to do the simple how-are-you's with the woman at the dry cleaners or the clerk at the liquor store, women he had no interest in and no intention of asking out. Eventually, after a lot of practice at just being friendly, he got more relaxed and discovered he could speak to the women he thought he liked in a more relaxed manner--one that didn't set off alarm bells for the smart ones. And once they got to know him and realized what a great guy he was, I told him, he would have a better chance at some sort of meaningful relationship.

As it turned out, he never made it as far as his knockout beauty "Dream Woman" because in the meantime he found another woman first, a woman he found on one of his "practice sessions" a woman who's only a 6.5 on the ten-point scale of looks but who can pass for 8.5 when she wants to, and who, more importantly, tops out the scale in humor & smarts & kindness, and who thinks she got the better end of the deal. Best of all, he knows she wasn't interested in him for his money because she makes a lot more of it than he does. Today, they're a great couple. Life's funny that way. Anyway, I guess my point is that it pays to talk--or to try to talk--to everyone. At least it worked for him. You're definitely on the right path.

Thanks, anyway for starting such interesting topics, Seth.

 

[Miss Brill]

Smile & say hello. Ask if they have the time. Sometimes guys ask don't they know me from somewhere. I think the situation/place has more to do with it than anything that could be said--a woman is going to be on guard in some places. If someone is thinking that they could get mugged, they aren't going to flirt/be outgoing.

 

[reetpleat]

Interesting topic. One I think about a lot. Seattle is a particularly tough place to talk to people. THey tend to be standoffish. Still, I try to not let that stop me.

A few thoughts. The best way to get to know people is to be truly comfortable talking to them and want nothing from them except to enjoy the interaction. The best way to do this is truly develop the part of you that loves and appreciates all people.

That said, to interact with women you find attractive, you have to realize that it is in a way just like any other, and in another way very different, as you may often have to disarm women's defense mechanisms that might come up.

The way to do that is again, not want anything from them. Even if you want to meet and date them, you have ot not care, and just enjoy the interaction. Easier said then done, but if you can get to a place where you no longer care about having a woman to date, then it is a zen like state where you can just be yourself and be relaxed and not seeking approval. This is the way to get those defenses down from women.

A few practical tips. THree second rule. If yo uwait too long to speak to a woman, you will not only talk yourself out of it, but you will also come off creepy. No guarantees, but if you had said hi to that woman the first time you saw her, as if you say hi to everyone, you may hoave gotten a better response. Maybe. If you wait for the right moment, you will be nervous and seem creepy. Not completely sure why, but it makes sense.

So, in general, if you just put your best outgoing attitude on, as if you are in a great mood and really want to interact wiht people, you will come off that way. Plus, it will actually put you in that mood because positive interactions with people really energizes you. I believe we by nature are zestful ouotgoing loving people meant ot interact and live communally. Our fear and the walls between us are a false corruption.

 

[Undertow]

How to Win Friends and Influence People. You should read it.

 

[PADDY]

Seth (from your friend Paddy)

I'm very proud of you even taking that step (which must have seemed huge at the time) with this girl. I was sweating away for you as I read your piece and it unfolded!

But like many things Seth, the more you actually 'do it' the easier it will become through time and the more relaxed and comfortable you will be in engaging in conversation. Trust me, I've been there and for many of us it is an 'ongoing' development (I include myself here).

Well done!!

 

[reetpleat]

How to Win Friends and Influence People. You should read it.

Much as I would like to believe it, I do not have faith in the book. I know many nice sincere people who are polite, interested in others, ask others about themselves etc. and they are not necesserily well liked or popular.

I don't find that these things in myself, while they are appreciated, draw people to me and make people want to be my friend.

In fact, I know many people who do not practice many of these qualities, yet are extremely well liked, sought after and popular.

But the one thing they posess is they are comfortable in their skins, they are comfortable with who they are and with other people. People sense this and are drawn to it. Of course the most popular ore often the ones who are comfortable with themselves, but are also nice to other people. But not always the case.

 

[hepkitten]

Much as I would like to believe it, I do not have faith in the book. I know many nice sincere people who are polite, interested in others, ask others about themselves etc. and they are not necesserily well liked or popular.

I don't find that these things in myself, while they are appreciated, draw people to me and make people want to be my friend.

In fact, I know many people who do not practice many of these qualities, yet are extremely well liked, sought after and popular.

But the one thing they posess is they are comfortable in their skins, they are comfortable with who they are and with other people. People sense this and are drawn to it. Of course the most popular ore often the ones who are comfortable with themselves, but are also nice to other people. But not always the case.

I agree. Yes, showing an interest in people is great, and it's appreciated, but the key is genuinely liking people. That warmth comes through. High energy helps, too -- an enthusiasm for life is highly attractive. A friend of mine has these qualities in spades, and it's amazing to watch her in action. She not only makes friends wherever she goes, she ends up staying in touch with most of them, because she truly enjoys people. I'm a terrible introvert, and I've learned a lot, watching her.