Ready to Date Again

[nyx]

Hi all,

I know there's a thread about Dating in the Powder Room, but I was looking to get the male perspective too, so I thought I'd post here.

Here's my situation:

I have been separated for about 9 months now and my divorce was final in September. I have a beautiful year old son--see avatar I believe I'm ready to date again, but I don't even know where to begin. I've thought about on-line dating, but frankly when I look at places like Match.com, etc., I don't see anyone in my area with the same interests as I have. Plus, there's the issue of my son. I know a lot of men aren't interested in someone who has a little one at home, and of course, it does put a crimp in my free time. I don't go to bars very often because in this area, most seem to be just meat markets. Plus, I'm 32 years old--a bit too old for the college bar scene. I have a very good job and I have two advanced degrees, plus I don't think I'm hideous to look at , so I don't think I'm a complete hopeless case. I'm not looking to jump into a serious relationship. I'd just like to go out and have some fun--maybe a nice dinner and a movie or something. Just some way to feel like a pretty lady again

In short, I'm just wondering your take on this. Where would you go if you were me? Would you give on-line dating a stab? And if not, any other suggestions? There isn't a large vintage scene here, so there are no clubs or bars around where I could go to meet people with vintage interests. With the baby at home, should I even try right now? For the guys, would you be put off dating a woman with a baby? I know lots of people date when their kids are older, but my son's father happened to leave when he was just born. I just sort of feel like a fish out of water. It was so easy when I was younger, but now, frankly, I'm a bit intimidated by it all.

Anyway, thanks for the advice in advance.

 

[Paisley]

Well, a few months ago, a college sophomore said he wanted to go out with me. I told him I was 38...he said it didn't matter. You're only as old as you look and feel.

 

[Tommy Fedora]

I've been out of the loop so long that my dating advice would include flowers and my hair slicked back, so I won't give any.
But I will say that you sound like a wonderful person and you should never feel intimidated, not ever. Know in your heart that you have worth and go wherever there are people. Let nature take its course.

 

[The Shirt]

I think you might try the online thing. I was absolutely against it when I started but I was tired of sitting at home alone. The beginning was a bit slow in meeting men that I was really attracted to - but it helped me come out of my shell. It was nice to simply get out and about or to suggest places I wanted to go (but not necessarily on my own). I think it helped me build some confidence and realize that I had a lot to offer. You do too! Not every interest is listed on a profile - so I dove into thinking if they can appreciate my interests that's a start. I have had a few nice relationships as a result and am currently with someone I met online for 2 years now and couldn't be happier.

I think there are a lot of men that share custody and perhaps are in the same boat as you. You might be surprised. If you hate it - cancel it.

Oh and I still think car shows are a great place to meet the fellows.

 

[dakotanorth]

Dating again?

Hi all,

I know there's a thread about Dating in the Powder Room, but I was looking to get the male perspective too, so I thought I'd post here.

Here's my situation:

I have been separated for about 9 months now and my divorce was final in September. I have a beautiful year old son--see avatar I believe I'm ready to date again, but I don't even know where to begin. I've thought about on-line dating, but frankly when I look at places like Match.com, etc., I don't see anyone in my area with the same interests as I have. Plus, there's the issue of my son. I know a lot of men aren't interested in someone who has a little one at home, and of course, it does put a crimp in my free time. I don't go to bars very often because in this area, most seem to be just meat markets. Plus, I'm 32 years old--a bit too old for the college bar scene. I have a very good job and I have two advanced degrees, plus I don't think I'm hideous to look at , so I don't think I'm a complete hopeless case. I'm not looking to jump into a serious relationship. I'd just like to go out and have some fun--maybe a nice dinner and a movie or something. Just some way to feel like a pretty lady again

In short, I'm just wondering your take on this. Where would you go if you were me? Would you give on-line dating a stab? And if not, any other suggestions? There isn't a large vintage scene here, so there are no clubs or bars around where I could go to meet people with vintage interests. With the baby at home, should I even try right now? For the guys, would you be put off dating a woman with a baby? I know lots of people date when their kids are older, but my son's father happened to leave when he was just born. I just sort of feel like a fish out of water. It was so easy when I was younger, but now, frankly, I'm a bit intimidated by it all.

Anyway, thanks for the advice in advance.

Ok, WARNING- It is Monday, my head is full of ash from the statewide brushfires :rage: so I'm a little... shortfused this morning. However, I will give you my honest impressions!
First off- online dating. Online dating can be weird because you tend to objectify people. You don't get to embrace one's personality through a few lines, "fill-in-the-blank" questions, and button-driven selections. People will tell you WHAT they like, but not always WHY they like it. It's the PERSON you will date, not the attributes. Always look for someone who at least tries to explain what they want AND what they offer. Too many people produce a shopping list with nothing to offer in return! Ahem.
Dating with a baby- You have a baby, that's a fact, period. I've seen women take every different approach on this. In the end, if a guy is going to run b/c you have a baby, you can't change that. Definitely offering YOU as the person in the beginning is crucial, but ultimately the baby is part of the package. Fear will drive you to "Hide" your baby; date a guy for months before you drop it on him= fear. On the other hand, don't show up for a blind date with a stroller and diaper bag!
I think in essence, believe in yourself, be "centered" about who you are and what you are in this world. Don't try to force anything, accept facts as reality, and make peace with any unsuccessful adventures.
Rambling, but helpful I hope.

 

[dakotanorth]

Dating and marriage

If you do start going out with someone you meet online, or anyone who isn't recommended by a friend or relative, I'd find out pretty quickly if he's married. I've read that a high percentage of men on dating sites are married. About half the men who come on to me are either married or have a girlfriend, and the last guy a friend of mine went out with turned out to be married.

Why not date a married man? Clearly, if he's married he's willing to commit to someone. Married men prove they are willing to marry! lol
Paul Reiser said something about that- It's not that men aren't willing to commit, they just want to rule out all other commitments. Kinda funny.

Jp

 

[PA Dancer]

I've been going thru the same thing...It's tough meeting people sometimes.
I haven't been in a serious relationship in over 7 years, and am now feeling I am ready to meet someone....altho...I do enjoy my singleness at times.

Have you thought about a single parents group?

I noticed people with kids car easier to talk to...more friendly. I've noticed that even married people are always trying to "hook up" that single friend. Maybe start asking some friends if they know anyone nice.

I've heard of people having luck with the online dating sites...but I looked up the single guys in my area, in my age range...and they are scary as all heck!
heehee

I wish you luck!

 

[KittyT]

Online dating is a sham. I've done it and found it to mostly be awkward people with no social skills. Join social and community interest groups. Get involved in a political club or a charity organization. The more you are out there, the more people you will meet, and you want to meet people who have common interests. The chances that you will meet someone good while you're actively looking are slim, at least in my experience. Good people come along when you're living your life, doing your own thing and displaying confidence in yourself. People who are actively looking often have an air of urgency or desperation about them and few people actually find that attractive.

Also, you are young - don't rule out the bar scene and please don't automatically assume that the bar scene is only college kids! I live in the biggest college town in the US and hang out in great bars with a lot of cool folks who are in their late 20s - 50s. There are a lot of great bars that don't really get a college crowd, and at least here, there are a lot of well-educated professionals that go to bars, sometimes to watch a game on TV with friends, sometimes to see a band, sometimes just to have a drink.

Also, don't worry about the kid! Just be honest, up-front and very casual about it. Anyone who starts going on dates with you and makes a big deal about getting involved with someone with a baby is 1. moving things too fast and assuming something serious will happen and 2. not worth dating anyway.

 

[nyx]

Thanks for the advice everyone! In response to dakotanorth, no worries there, as I'd never "hide" my son. I'm definitely of the opinion that if they don't want me with Jacob, then they don't get me at all . I just want to know if it's worth trying to date with a one year old. If most men aren't interested in dating a woman with a baby, I guess I'd just sit back and wait a few years before trying again. I think I'm worried that some guys will think I'm looking for a replacement "daddy." That's completely not the case, as my son's father is actively involved in his life. He doesn't need another daddy. But since he's so much a part of my life, obviously, I guess my date would have to be ok with that.

Car shows are fun, so that's some good advice, and even if I don't meet anyone, I can still have a good time.

As for parenting groups, PA Dancer, I have joined a few. What I've noticed is that most of them are moms, and stay-at-home moms at that. What few men attend are with their wives. I have yet to see a single dad at any of the events, and I don't get to attend too many events because they're all scheduled during the day when I have to work. It would be a great idea, but there just don't seem to be any single dads interested in parenting groups. And I had the same experience with scary guys in my age range on Match.com. It doesn't entice me to post my own information.

 

[nyx]

Also, you are young - don't rule out the bar scene and please don't automatically assume that the bar scene is only college kids! I live in the biggest college town in the US and hang out in great bars with a lot of cool folks who are in their late 20s - 50s. There are a lot of great bars that don't really get a college crowd, and at least here, there are a lot of well-educated professionals that go to bars, sometimes to watch a game on TV with friends, sometimes to see a band, sometimes just to have a drink.

If only I could find them The problem is that the only bars that I ever hung out in were in college and the clientele were all my age, so those are the only ones I know about (and I didn't like them then!) I'm sure there are some great hole-in-the wall places, but I just don't know where to find them. Almost all of my friends are married, so they don't go out to bars either. I guess I'm just feeling old right now. The last time I dated, I was 15 pound lighter and didn't have a baby at home, so I feel like a old lady trying to pick up some young pups lol

 

[KittyT]

Thanks for the advice everyone! In response to dakotanorth, no worries there, as I'd never "hide" my son. I'm definitely of the opinion that if they don't want me with Jacob, then they don't get me at all . I just want to know if it's worth trying to date with a one year old.

You just have to make it clear that your baby is an important part of your life but that you're not looking to push him off onto someone else. You're not looking for a replacement daddy, which is great, but also don't try to push your son off onto any dates as a part of your life. Don't push for an introduction and don't put yourself into situations where your date would have to take on any kind of role with your son. Most guys, as far as I've gathered, like to take the decision for that upon themselves rather than being forced into it. If you start seeing someone regularly, that is the time to ease into it.

I dated a guy with a son for 6 months and never did meet his son. We had a wonderful relationship, but the opportunity never came up and there was never a need for it, even though I was totally cool with the idea of him having a kid.

 

[reetpleat]

Online dating is a sham. I've done it and found it to mostly be awkward people with no social skills. Join social and community interest groups. Get involved in a political club or a charity organization. The more you are out there, the more people you will meet, and you want to meet people who have common interests. The chances that you will meet someone good while you're actively looking are slim, at least in my experience. Good people come along when you're living your life, doing your own thing and displaying confidence in yourself. People who are actively looking often have an air of urgency or desperation about them and few people actually find that attractive.

Also, you are young - don't rule out the bar scene and please don't automatically assume that the bar scene is only college kids! I live in the biggest college town in the US and hang out in great bars with a lot of cool folks who are in their late 20s - 50s. There are a lot of great bars that don't really get a college crowd, and at least here, there are a lot of well-educated professionals that go to bars, sometimes to watch a game on TV with friends, sometimes to see a band, sometimes just to have a drink.

Also, don't worry about the kid! Just be honest, up-front and very casual about it. Anyone who starts going on dates with you and makes a big deal about getting involved with someone with a baby is 1. moving things too fast and assuming something serious will happen and 2. not worth dating anyway.

Well, very much agree and disagree. I agree taht bars are a fine place to meet people, unless you don't like to go to bars or drink.

If you are a casual drinker and bar visiter, then avoid those who are regulars and drink a lot. But I like to go out for drinks on occasion, so if I go to bars, why would I not want to meet a woman who goes to bars.

As far as online, I agree there are alot of odd awkward people, but don't forget, you and I and many others have been on it, so there are obviously some decent people ther.

I gave up on on line for four reasons. One, while men might be the same, I found on line seems to cause women to have an odd mindset. They are just looking for a reason to dismiss you and move on, even if they like you, because they have so many other men to get to. That and women still often have the prince charming, looking for perfect man thing going on. Men may be the same. I wouldn't know. But men tend to have less response than most women on line if she is reasonably attractive.

Secondly, women tend to diqualify me based on height. I think it is moreso in Seattle than other places based on a little research. But women here seem to want guys to be six foot tall or more. Maybe a lot of women on line are tall, but who knows. A friend went on a big tirade to me, and I saw a guy on a local chat board do the same. They are both tall and went on with the "I have never noticed, you just have ot believe in yourself, if you are insecure it shows blah blah blah. Bottom line is, if you are tall you don't notice. IF you are short and a woman screens you out based on that it is game over on line. If I am out in the real world, and can approach any woman I want (working on it) a woman might not notice or care. But on line, once they sit down to make up their want list, height tends to become a factor.

Thirdly, I realized if I can learn to have the confidance and skill to approach women in public, I would have a big advantage over many guys (especilly in Seattle) those who are taller, better looking, richer, more interesting etc. Not to mention the ones who aren't. Because I would have the one thing they don't. The confidance to approach.

fourthly, the odds are way against men on line. It is demoralizing to write a lot of women and barely get a response because they are getting too many to answer. in all honesty, a man should be out there getting what he wants. I am trying to learn that.

All that said, I would have eto say the opposite for women. I have friends who have done it, and while none have gotten married yet, they have met many nice guys. Two caviats. One, don't be too picky. If they are at all attractive to you and seem nice, go out and see what you think. People take it so seriously these days.

But secondly, if you like the asertive, alpha type, you will probably find on line men not that. Nothing wrong with liking that type. They can still be nice and respectful. Just the type that knows what they want and how to go out and get it. There might be a few on line, but they are much more inclined to not need it.

As for getting out ther, yes, get away from the tv and computer and do stuff. But be careful. Don't sign up for a class just to meet someone only to discover you are stuck for eight weeks with a bunch of women. Also, just live your life, but be aproachable. many men are hesitant, especially in this day and age. Don't wear headphones all the time. Have a smile on your face. Smile at men. Even approach them if you are up to it.

Lastly though. I would say, if a guy is not into kids, then they are not good for you. But there is nothing wrong with guys who don't want kids now or ever. Just a different attitude. But if they don't want to date you because you have a kid, so be it. many single dads want to meet women with kids. That is where on line can be helpful. Single dads and divoced older guys probably don't get out to bars so much.

As far as finding a guy to share your interests, there have been some threads on that. I would say, unless you are hardcore into vintage, don't worry about it much. Find a guy who will be appreciative of that nad has other things in common. Swing dancing would be a good place to meet nice men who like vintage though.

Lastly, when you eet a guy, don't say "I have a kid" within the first few minutes. That happened to me once. It was kind of weird. As if, I only want to talk to you if you want to date and marry me. I don't mind if in a first conversation a woman eventually makes reference to their child, but to throw it out ther like that was just awkward. As i was somehow being put up to atest.

Anyway, good luck.

 

[dhermann1]

Keep in mind that as a rule of thumb you need to "mourn" the previous relationship for about a year before you can really get into a new one. That may not be true for everyone, and you may be ecstatic to have gotten out of the previous one, but there are all sorts of emotions bubbling around inside that will continue to pop out at odd moments. There is anger, grief, self doubt, etc., etc. There's nothing wrong with looking for a new relationship, but don't be surprised if you feel all sorts of emotional whiplashes for a while.
Spend some time finding out who you are now that you're on your own. You might find a few surprises.

 

[Paisley]

A lot of people where I go swing dancing marry each other. It's mostly people in their 20s, but all ages go there.

The rule I follow when chatting with someone online is to avoid saying anything I wouldn't say in person.

When I tried online dating, the men who responded to my profile didn't seem to have bothered reading anything in it. I'd write that I was looking for someone around my age in the Denver area, with no kids. I'd get responses from 50-year-old men, men in other states, and men with kids, and men who gave and asked for too much personal information, or who tried to come across as cute or sexy, or who seemed to be trying to hide something.

 

[Kitty_Sheridan]

I think, for what it is worth...any nice, decent men/women will not care that you have junior in tow.
I'm a single mum and I found that it was easier to just make friends in my own circle, (ie other vintage nuts) and ended up dating a male friend who knew my circumstances.

Good luck! and wow! What a little cutie he is!!!

 

[Foofoogal]

My sister found a wonderful man and he had no children and she had 2. They have been married a long time and now have 2 other children. A pkg. deal I say.
It is funny but this morning I happened to be in Academy store which is a sport line store in case you don't have one near you. I thought to myself what a place for people to meet. That and church or take up golf. lol
Your son is a cutie. My best.
Wouldn't know but I would stay away from Craigslist. Keep hearing horror stories about that place on the news. [huh]

 

[Vintage Betty]

My sister found a wonderful man and he had no children and she had 2. They have been married a long time and now have 2 other children. A pkg. deal I say.
It is funny but this morning I happened to be in Academy store which is a sport line store in case you don't have one near you. I thought to myself what a place for people to meet. That and church or take up golf. lol
Your son is a cutie. My best.
Wouldn't know but I would stay away from Craigslist. Keep hearing horror stories about that place on the news. [huh]

I'd like to also repeat the church or your religion of choice. First, you'll meet people who usually have good morals, kids your son's age, and you will get to know the "regulars" a lot.

And most churches have single's groups, where people can meet too.

Vintage Betty

 

[Hondo]

I quit dating after 45, when I was younger it was about having fun together, and don't mind forking out dough, I love to treat but it just isn't doing what ever it is I was seeking, it wasn't a one night stand thing, I don't know times have changed I guess. Last time I took out a gal, we went for a nice Italian dinner, she drank plenty of wine, during our meal, then drove her home as she said "I have to go home to recoperate' it was one of the most strangest dates I've ever been on, I kind of give up, unless I know the person better, and I'm in a generous mood, but its not like dating, times have changed ALLOT!!!

 

[Gary Crumrine]

It seems we all go through life in a kind of lock-step. We enter kindergarten at the same age. We graduate from college at the same age. We marry. We have kids. They leave home. We retire at 65. There's an age-group syncronicity through all of life, especially in finding a mate. We start dating in high school and marry shortly after college. If we, for one reason or another, fall off the tracks it becomes harder to jump back on the train simply because most (not all, but most) of our age-group peers are still in the coaches.

Mrs. Crumrine has a divorced lady friend who spends much of her day on the web dating sites, but to no avail. She gets dates, of course, but the men only take her out once or twice before moving further along the buffet. She, in turn, blames the men and returns to occupy her time at another dating site.

I think -- and have no data to back this up -- that the best chance for success is to develop a wide range of acquaintences through joining mixed gender social groups (dancing / swimming / great books / church, etc) and gently letting one's new friends learn that a likely introduction would not be unappreciated. I wouldn't emphasize the desire to find a mate ("Yes, I really like to dance, but, of course, it would be nice to meet someone if that ever happened"), but I would let it be know that I was open to the possibility.

There is certainly someone out there for you, and I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Mid-fogey]

Advice...

...? Ask someone you really trust who really knows you. They might be able to suggest what might really work for you (as opposed to generic advice). The folks here are really smart and really nice but they don't know you.

Oh, and make sure you don't have something in your teeth.