question on manners and compliments

[LadyDeWinter]

I don't mind a polite compliment too. Well, I love compliments and I do compliment others. When I was younger, I didn't dare to compliment men but now I do it and why not.

 

[gpwpat]

This has turned into a cool thread. Thanks for the tips. I will try to give complements where complements are due. My building is too casual. so anything other than jeans stand out for both men and women.

Now on some of the other manerisms,

I always let ladies go in front of me, and hold the door. I have not yet learned when or how to appropriatly tip the hat. Or how it would be taken.

lets see what other courticies are flattering that a Gentleman should know and use?

 

[Paisley]

And it can be okay to comment on seamed stockings, as I find that people will say "Oh, I haven't seen those for years!" or "Look, she's even wearing the right stockings!" and they don't mean it in a lecherous way.

I don't think a compliment like one of those would bother me, especially since they would probably come from a much older person. But in this day and age, it might be wise to start with a less personal comment.

Now that I think about it, there is a band member where I dance who always compliments me on my legs, and it's never bothered me. However, there was a guy who complimented me on my dancing, and did so in such a gushing way that it made me uncomfortable. In the first case, I didn't get the sense that Mr. Leg-man was trying to pick me up. In the second case, I did--and I also got the sense that subtle signals to back off a little would be lost on him. I was right.

 

[jitterbugdoll]

I don't think a compliment like one of those would bother me, especially since they would probably come from a much older person. But in this day and age, it might be wise to start with a less personal comment.

Well, as long as they don't make some sort of "those seamed stockings really send me" comment (which I did hear once from a coworker—now that was awkward), it doesn't generally bother me to have someone point them out (though it's not something that many will comment on, it does occur from time to time.) After all, they are unusual today and therefore will grab attention [huh] But usually, if someone does reference them they are not the first thing remarked upon.

 

[Etienne]

I have been out of the workplace for a zillion years, so a lot of the fears about compliments and how they will be taken are not something I even think about. I am frequently complimented on things such as my outfit, my perfume, my hair, etc. and I like to receive those compliments gracefully--ususally by saying something like, "Why, thank you!" Or, "You just made my day!" I have never been approached by lecherous types at all. I also feel very free to give compliments to women and men as well. Most of the time they receive them equally graciously. If people go that extra mile to look well-groomed and attractive, or to be courteious and polite, I think they enjoy when people take the time to remark favorably. I love it when people are smiling, obviously in good humor, looking good and are amiable--especially in an elevator. Invariably, if they are men they stand back and wait for me to exit first--and if they are women, they move forward presuming the men will wait; I am rarely disappointed! I wouldn't agonize over giving or receiving a sincere remark from the heart or worry about how it will be received.

I also never expect more respect or courtesy than I am willing to give. If a gentleman opens a door for me, allows me to go first, or tips his hat to me, I see it as a sign of respect and good manners and I always thank him. I especially like to compliment young people who show such courtesies and often remark, "What a gentleman! Thank you!"

And last of all, one of the most endearing old world courtesies, in MHO, is when a man rises when a woman walks in to the room. It melts my heart completely!

Just my two cents' worth!

 

[Mike in Seattle]

I'll jump on the bandwagon with others too numerous to list. Compliment them on their outfits. Something short and simple and not too overboard. You might also mention the Lounge. "I just wanted to compliment you ladies on always dressing great. If you didn't know, there's a website call FedoraLounge.com that you might find interesting." I don't think that's going to have them hitting the alarm button and bursting from the elevator screaming and running the second the doors open. What have you go to lose. They'll probably thank you and maybe in a day or two, you run into them again and they say something nice back, like "Thanks for that tip - that's a great website. What's your handle there?" Or maybe they'll have seen this thread by that time...

 

[Paisley]

I always let ladies go in front of me, and hold the door. I have not yet learned when or how to appropriatly tip the hat. Or how it would be taken.

Holding a door open is nice. It's best when the man stands aside to let the lady pass. I don't like it when a man stands in the doorway holding the door open. I am from the Interior West and need my personal space, thank you.

lets see what other courticies are flattering that a Gentleman should know and use?

I have a comment on conversation that applies to both sexes. Often, when I try to engage in conversation with someone, I'll get one-word or one-sentence answers. After three or four such responses, no matter how congenial the person seems, I get too discouraged to persist.

 

[Paisley]

OK, I have one more comment. Ladies and gentlemen need to keep social commitments.

I used to try to have parties. However, because of the number of no-shows, last-minute cancellations and people who ate and ran, I've given up. My best friend is the only person I invite over now.

 

[Mike in Seattle]

OK, I have one more comment. Ladies and gentlemen need to keep social commitments.

I used to try to have parties. However, because of the number of no-shows, last-minute cancellations and people who ate and ran, I've given up. My best friend is the only person I invite over now.

You don't want to get me started on this one. It drives me nuts when we have a party. The invitations always state "RSVP by xx/xx/xx" and that deadline date arrives and you've heard no a word from half. "I didn't think that applied to me - you know I'll be there." Really? How? Silly me for not consulting the amazing Kreskin. The minute I get an invitation, I repond immediately - "Yes, we'll be there! Can't wait!" or "Drat! We've got something else that night and can't make it.

And then the fence-sitters. "Gee, maybe we can, maybe we can't. Maybe we'll come, maybe we'll stay home. Maybe I'll let you know the day after that we couldn't come." Maybe you're not getting invitations in the future, dear!

I don't have a big problem with the ones who RSVP yes and don't show due to illness or work schedule change. But the ones who RSVP yes and don't show and don't call, I do. Or they say "Well, we decided at the last minute to just stay home and file our fingernails..." Then some who RSVP no show up anyway...and bring friends with them. Very frustrating all the way around.

Fortunately, we have one friend who comes to every party, dressed to the nines, arrives early, says "What can I do to help?" She completely means it and can & will do anything asked and does it perfectly. She's a complete treasure. And her most important feature is she makes killer Martinis and usually pours about two into me before the festivities begin, at which point I don't give a hoot with who's there and who isn't - we're just all going to have a good time. If I make a comment about people who don't dress up for parties anymore, it's "Honey...sweetie...this is Seattle...they wear Goretex to opening night at the opera! Here - have another Martini!"

 

[CanadaDoll]

If I'm complementing a stranger, be it a lady or gentleman, and all I want to do is be polite and go on my way, I try to stand a little bit further from them, just to say, 'I will be on my way shortly and don't mean to bother you.' Body language can do a lot when you're nervous about how someone will take something.

I am with all the other ladies too though, I love a complement, so long as it's delivered with eye contact and sincerity.
No girl will ever object to being told how classy she looks.

 

[Daisy Buchanan]

I would go for something simple like.

"Thats a lovely outfit'

instead of 'you look spectacular'....

somehow....complementing the outfit...in my opinion...keeps it less 'oooh baby baby' then complementing the person themselves......

subtle difference...but true....

I agree, this is a very "correct" way to pay a lady a compliment. There are subtle differences between being complimentary and being a sleeze bag. Your mannerisms will tell her a lot too. Maybe if you said something like "Excuse me miss, I don't mean to disturb you, but I just wanted to compliment you on your outfit". You'd be letting her know that you really aren't interested in anything more than giving her a nice compliment.
I know since I'm a girl it's different, but sometimes I'll see another girl wearing a pretty outfit that's vintage looking, and I want to ask her about it. But, I can never find the right way to do so. In the city it seems that people can be on their guard, and they are always expecting the worst.
But, if a nicely dressed gentleman was sharing an elevator with me and said a few nice words to me about my outfit, I think I'd be flattered that he noticed. It is so rare that people dress nicely, she probably spends some time preparing herself in the morning. I know if I were her I'd be flattered that my hard work was paying off.

 

[CharlieH.]

Hmm... If I ever spot a lady in vintage garb (in person, that is), I don't think I'd ever muster the courage to approach her and say a compliment. Let alone a carefully worded one.

 

[gpwpat]

Men are so much easier to deal with. With them I just say what is on my mind. With Ladies. I usually just smile and give my head a quick nod. Unless if I know them personally. then I just say what is on my mind anyhow. Women are so complex. and some men have given the rest of us a bad racket. that must be why we are reserved on complements. funny thing I don't think anything of it when I recieve complements. Just giving them that seems akward.

 

[Tony in Tarzana]

I always compliment people. I try to be respectful and polite.

My suggestion is to tip your hat to them and smile. I would be flattered if a man did that to me.

 

[photobyalan]

My suggestion is to tip your hat to them and smile. I would be flattered if a man did that to me.

Of course, if you're in the elevator with a lady, you'd better have it in your hand.

The hat, I mean.

Just so there's no misunderstanding.

 

[Paisley]

Hmm... If I ever spot a lady in vintage garb (in person, that is), I don't think I'd ever muster the courage to approach her and say a compliment. Let alone a carefully worded one.

The faint heart never won the maiden fair.

 

[Feraud]

It certainly reads like there is too much "thinking" going on about giving a compliment.
A woman knows the difference between a comment like, "I like your style" versus, "oh those legs really do it for me.:essen: ".
lol
If one really feels very uncomfortable about the process, they are better off not giving a compliemnt at all. You will only fumble it and look like the kind of person you are trying not to be.

 

[LadyDeWinter]

It certainly reads like there is too much "thinking" going on about giving a compliment.
A woman knows the difference between a comment like, "I like your style" versus, "oh those legs really do it for me.:essen: ".
lol

Exactly :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap

 

[Paisley]

Good Advice from Someone who Knows

Awhile back, I took a blues dance class. Blues dancing is very connected: you're in contact with your partner from your chest to your thighs.

The teachers had some good advice for "not being that guy with the problem" (i.e., coming off as creepy): be respectful of your partner. I think if you are respectful of the person you are complimenting and respectful of her boundaries and social conventions, you shouldn't have many problems giving a compliment.

I would add that the effusiveness of the compliment should be in inverse proportion to your care factor. If you are cool and socially very adept, you can probably lay it on thick and get away with it. But if the lady makes you break into a sweat, just give her a small compliment.

 

[jitterbugdoll]

I would add that the effusiveness of the compliment should be in inverse proportion to your care factor. If you are cool and socially very adept, you can probably lay it on thick and get away with it. But if the lady makes you break into a sweat, just give her a small compliment.

This is true, though it's not always a bad thing to be a little bumbling in your demeanor. I'd rather receive a comment from a nervous fellow who means well then a slick chap on the make any day [huh]