Parents: When May Our Children Start Dating?

[Lincsong]

Just a little fftopic: but a funny story nonetheless. When my Mother was 15 (1949-1950)she was dating a boy, (not Dad) and didn't tell my grandparents. Well, one Saturday my Mom and the boy were standing in line at a movie theater waiting for the show. My grandparents drove by and saw them. My Grandfather (5'3" and 130 pounds) double parks the car gets out, grabs the boy (6') by the front of the shirt and tells him; "if you ever touch my daughter again I'll kick your ^%%lol lol lol "

 

[Pilgrim]

My wife and I have two daughters; the oldest is 18 and entered college this fall. The second is 17 and a senior in high school. We're fortunate that they're really nice, well-adjusted kids, and have had no significant problems at all.

Dating has changed over the past couple of decades, but the way we handled it was to start WAY ahead. From the time the girls were old enough to have an opinion, when we could aford to let them make a choice or desicision, we asked them for their opinion...and went with their opinion when we could. We also discussed the reasons behind decisions - not in detail, but major points. Through this process (among others) our girls learned early that we valued their opinions, and expected them to value ours.

They eased into dating as others have indicated - at group functions. Usually it wasn't boy A taking daughter B, but a group of 2-3 kids going with 2-3 other kids. This worked fine. I'm surprised that Scotrace's daughters haven't already done this kind of thing. High school is for dating, and when they get to that age, trying to prevent dating isn't realistic, so IMO the best thing to do is set the stage well and reduce friction by haivng expectations and ground rules. There needs to be a curfew, and expectations about when they call, how often they tell you where they are, etc. One thing we made clear to the girls is that their cell phones were for OUR benefit - and they had to be on and accessible at all times when they were out on dated. (Movies excepted, although they needed to be turned back on promptly at the end of the movie.)

The real difference in dating that we've noted is that some kids date one person a week and move along, but others will date the same person for months. Our oldest daughter turned up with a nice kid as a sophomore and she's still dating, but they are going two different directions for college and it's creating a separation we consider healthy.

As for car dating, we didn't have a fixed age, but I much prefer car dates to involve at least two couples, and we didn't support the girls dating boys 3-4 years older. One year, two maybe, but that's about it.

When it comes down to it, by the time kids date, you have already given them the base beliefs for behavior...and you're a spectator. You are simply not calling the shots, because you're not there 7x24. There's not a lot you can do to modify that, but you CAN sit down and level with them about your concerns - and you can be fairly anatomical and straightforward about it. If you've built a base of respect and candor with them, you will be heard - although they mayb e reluctant to verbalize their understanding.

 

[J. M. Stovall]

My daughter turns 5 next month, and I don't really want to think about this at all right now. Can I at least wait a few more years?!?:eusa_doh:

 

[Paisley]

Young Guys and Dating

My brothers and sisters weren't "allowed" to date until 16, either. But they all ended up parents before their 20th birthday. By the time they were in their early teens, they were all in a state of open rebellion.

How did it start? My parents had to get married when they were teenagers. My father, in particular, wasn't suited to marriage and family life. Maybe with someone else, or by getting married later than age 17, he'd have been a better husband and father, or at least a happier one. One of my brothers is similar: he had to get married to someone I don't think he was well suited to. She's been a good wife, but he's told me how much work the marriage is, even after all these years. They raised two sons who've turned out to be a couple of bums, despite their best efforts.

Guys may not be as vulnerable as girls, but they're not bullet-proof. They may not "have to" get married anymore, but by fathering a child they'll be saddled with child support payments and tied for the rest of their lives to the mother, unless they're bums. (There are plenty of noodle-headed teenage girls out there who want to have babies.) Their hearts aren't shatterproof, either. My ex-boyfriend was a mess because his first fiance had dumped him, and his ex-wife (after a few months of marriage) had cheated on him.

One of my nephews is in a similar spot. His wife ran off with another man and took their baby. (Need I say she cheated on that guy, too?) He can't face another relationship. That could have been avoided. My nephew brought her home from Central America to live with his parents. She was the grungiest looking girl I've ever seen--I don't think her hair had been combed in months. Had a son of mine done that, I'd have said

1. If you want to shack up, you'll do so at your own place and at your own expense. Otherwise,
2. I'll be happy to put her on the next bus back to her parents' house.

Guys need to know whom they are getting involved with, too.

 

[Paisley]

I don't have kids, but I'd like to state my opinion if I may. I am 29, handsome by most people's standards, yet my dating life is non-existent except on the rare occassion when I find someone I want to ask out. People always say, "well, it's just dating, no big deal." When I was in college, my college ranked one of the highest in the U.S. for most STD's transmitted on campus, which was 1 in 3 at the time. Some lives were ruined either by an STD or by getting their girlfriend pregnant. In either case, it all started by date #1. Hearts repeatedly get broken, leading to lasting emotional scars and emotional baggage. All started from date #1. If one gets married, it'd be difficult to explain how many people you dated, slept with, or why you must pay child support. All these kids being brought into the world will have emotional problems stemming from lack of 2 stable parents. These emotionally scarred kids will be running our country one day. These experiences have led me to believe that sex really is something to save for marriage, and that dating is supposed to lead to marriage. Therefore, I only "date" when I think I might have found the one. Others may laugh at the fact that I don't "get around," but I also don't have kids or some weird STD. Even at my age, if I so choose to date, I'd go on a group date with several others for awhile. Then I'd slowly bring her into my life, meet my family, take her to my church or go to hers. If I'm nervous about introducing her to my mom or my grandmother, then I must say she's not the one for me. lol I'd teach my kids these things and the age at which they start dating should define itself.

This reminds me of a delightful article. To quote:

"You may, for instance, think that So-and-so (a very ordinary man) is the most beautiful person you have ever set eyes on," Redlich writes. "And yet So-and-so is (shall we say) a preparatory schoolmaster, with very little money apart from his pay and with very little interest apart from small boys. This is not love."

Attentive readers of The Nice Girl's Guide will never foolishly chase after men who are just not that into them. "Some underbred girls may have the appalling lack of dignity to imagine themselves in such a position — loving a man who does not love them, loving someone unsuitable, and so forth," Redlich notes, and you can practically see her needing to lie down with a cold cloth just imagining the horror of such a situation.

"You know that unless it is mutual, and suitable, and with marriage as its only conceivable aim, it is not love at all," she continues. "You will act accordingly."

 

[mysterygal]

With having three girls myself, this is the one subject (ok, maybe all of them around the house with pms ranks high up there also) that freaks me out!
None of them will date before 16 without an adult chaperone. Any further dating will be determined by the maturity level of the child. Once I know that my girls can say no with no problems and show me they have healthy boundaries, I'll allow group dating. Allowing a date just the two, alone, will not happen in my household. I remember how I was and the hormones were running wild, not worth chancing it.

 

[ClassicIsBetter]

This reminds me of a delightful article. To quote:

"You may, for instance, think that So-and-so (a very ordinary man) is the most beautiful person you have ever set eyes on," Redlich writes. "And yet So-and-so is (shall we say) a preparatory schoolmaster, with very little money apart from his pay and with very little interest apart from small boys. This is not love."

Attentive readers of The Nice Girl's Guide will never foolishly chase after men who are just not that into them. "Some underbred girls may have the appalling lack of dignity to imagine themselves in such a position — loving a man who does not love them, loving someone unsuitable, and so forth," Redlich notes, and you can practically see her needing to lie down with a cold cloth just imagining the horror of such a situation.

"You know that unless it is mutual, and suitable, and with marriage as its only conceivable aim, it is not love at all," she continues. "You will act accordingly."

I have to agree with that article! Too many guys and too many girls are settling for less, sleeping around when they could be getting the real deal. I also honestly believe that by constantly dating around and breaking up when parties involved don't get their way, it paves the way to a higher divorce rate, which is apparently nothing more than a break-up with a little bit at stake. :rage:

 

[ClassicIsBetter]

With having three girls myself, this is the one subject (ok, maybe all of them around the house with pms ranks high up there also) that freaks me out!
None of them will date before 16 without an adult chaperone. Any further dating will be determined by the maturity level of the child. Once I know that my girls can say no with no problems and show me they have healthy boundaries, I'll allow group dating. Allowing a date just the two, alone, will not happen in my household. I remember how I was and the hormones were running wild, not worth chancing it.

As a son, I can tell you right now that peer pressure is sooooo much easier to give into when a parent isn't around. I still dabbled with cigarettes despite my mother being a nurse and having her mom die from lung cancer (due to smoking, no less). I still managed to get drunk now and then and try drugs here and there in college. Almost got arrested a few times. Mind you, my mother is a devout Christian who did not raise that kind of child. I did quit smoking, and I don't drink or do drugs. I'm even a devout Christian myself now, have been for years. So you could say my mom won out in the end, but I prefer to say I learned the hard way what could've been an easy way, had I heeded my mother's advice. What a mother doesn't know, right? I don't mean to unnerve you, but perhaps to give you more insight into what is really going on.

 

[Lincsong]

In regards to The Commodore; you have very very reasonable rules and procedures.:eusa_clap I remember back in the '70s one of my cousin's and her husband dated in high school. He said she told him to come over the house for a barbeque and meet the family. He thought she meant parents and siblings. He said he had no idea he had to meet; parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, great aunts, great uncles, grandparents, neighbors. He said he was drilled by 50 people before the end of the day.lol Having them come on outings on the boat etc. is a good idea as that gives the Father a real good idea of how the boy will behave.

 

[TwoToneDeuce]

I don't have kids, but I'd like to state my opinion if I may. I am 29, handsome by most people's standards, yet my dating life is non-existent except on the rare occassion when I find someone I want to ask out. People always say, "well, it's just dating, no big deal." When I was in college, my college ranked one of the highest in the U.S. for most STD's transmitted on campus, which was 1 in 3 at the time. Some lives were ruined either by an STD or by getting their girlfriend pregnant. In either case, it all started by date #1. Hearts repeatedly get broken, leading to lasting emotional scars and emotional baggage. All started from date #1. If one gets married, it'd be difficult to explain how many people you dated, slept with, or why you must pay child support. All these kids being brought into the world will have emotional problems stemming from lack of 2 stable parents. These emotionally scarred kids will be running our country one day. These experiences have led me to believe that sex really is something to save for marriage, and that dating is supposed to lead to marriage. Therefore, I only "date" when I think I might have found the one. Others may laugh at the fact that I don't "get around," but I also don't have kids or some weird STD. Even at my age, if I so choose to date, I'd go on a group date with several others for awhile. Then I'd slowly bring her into my life, meet my family, take her to my church or go to hers. If I'm nervous about introducing her to my mom or my grandmother, then I must say she's not the one for me. lol I'd teach my kids these things and the age at which they start dating should define itself.

Not to sound trite, but dating is the act of selecting "the one" STD's and pregnancy are caused by having intercourse not dating. Date often and regularly so you learn what you do and do not like in other people. I found that the more I dated, the fewer mistakes I made in my selection of dates.

-D

 

[crazylegsmurphy]

Allow Dating?

That's like saying, "I fobid you to recognize your natural sexual desires, or else!"

To me, trying to stop a kid from dating is a lot like trying to stop a kid from doing drugs, smoking, or drinking...the more you say no, the more they find a way.

You remember in Jurrasic Park when they said that the Dino's were all female so they couldn't breed, but then that guy found Dino eggs in the park....ya....exactly!

I personally think that with kids and dating, you need to find out when they think they are ready, and then guide them through it with the understanding that everything you hope doesn't happen, might.

Basically, be cool about it. Support your kids, educate them on the ins and outs of dating and help them to be safe. If you gain an open dialogue with them, and they can trust you not to flip out, I think you'll know whats going on, who they like, and what they are doing.

If you try to forbid it....they'll be laying eggs in your back yard soon enough...and then you'll be sad when the T-Rex eats you!

 

[Paisley]

Not to sound trite, but dating is the act of selecting "the one" STD's and pregnancy are caused by having intercourse not dating. Date often and regularly so you learn what you do and do not like in other people. I found that the more I dated, the fewer mistakes I made in my selection of dates.

-D

Dating in that way sounds like a good thing, especially if you're young. But it's just not what a lot of people have in mind when they date.

If you're a little older, or just have really good instincts, it might not be necessary, though. I've met enough people in life that I don't need to spend an hour having dinner with someone to know whether we click. The connection is there within 15 minutes, or it isn't.

 

[Pilgrim]

All I can say, folks, is that if you have iron-clad rules about dating before 16, and other tight rules, you're sowing the seeds for disagreement and misbehavior. None of US would like it if our spouse laid down prohibitions on our behavior, and kids are not going to like it if we do it.

Yes, I know they're kids. yes, I know they need rules, and I agree with that. But they don't need ABSOLUTE rules, and they don't need parents to decide everything in advance before considering individual circumstances. All that does is set you up for conflict.

Remember the post about kids not being allowed to date before 16 - and all ending up parents early? Consider that. Don't set up barriers that provide kids a convenient windmill to tilt against - consider them, make sound judgments based on their behavior, and consider them as individuals.

 

[mysterygal]

Allow Dating?

That's like saying, "I fobid you to recognize your natural sexual desires, or else!"

To me, trying to stop a kid from dating is a lot like trying to stop a kid from doing drugs, smoking, or drinking...the more you say no, the more they find a way.

You remember in Jurrasic Park when they said that the Dino's were all female so they couldn't breed, but then that guy found Dino eggs in the park....ya....exactly!

I personally think that with kids and dating, you need to find out when they think they are ready, and then guide them through it with the understanding that everything you hope doesn't happen, might.

Basically, be cool about it. Support your kids, educate them on the ins and outs of dating and help them to be safe. If you gain an open dialogue with them, and they can trust you not to flip out, I think you'll know whats going on, who they like, and what they are doing.

If you try to forbid it....they'll be laying eggs in your back yard soon enough...and then you'll be sad when the T-Rex eats you!

This really doesn't need to happen. Parents have a huge responsibility in implementing morals,structure and self esteem into their children. (unless I'm just reading your post wrong..which is possible!:eusa_doh: ), I know quite a few teenagers whose parents do not allow certain things, including dating at a young age, and these kids are more than happy to comply. But these parents have not left the parenting to teachers at school or t.v, they have earned their children's respect and the results that they now see is priceless. All in all, it's in everyone's nature to test the limits or boundaries, but, with kids, you need to start training them from infancy. Even though I tend to be more strict than most mothers, my oldest daughter (who is turning 10 in a few weeks) is a pure joy to me, she respects what I have said enough to not even be interested in the least about a lot of the things that are out there. Even though it may not seem like we are important, the truth is, there is no one out there who can love and instruct our kids like we can, and is not something to take lightly.

 

[TwoToneDeuce]

Dating in that way sounds like a good thing, especially if you're young. But it's just not what a lot of people have in mind when they date.

If you're a little older, or just have really good instincts, it might not be necessary, though. I've met enough people in life that I don't need to spend an hour having dinner with someone to know whether we click. The connection is there within 15 minutes, or it isn't.

You and I are saying the samething really, its getting to know people and different personalities. The original post I replied to, the author seemed to think he only needed to "date" the "one." Good instincts are one thing but are not always correct. And "clicking" in 15 minutes is great, but after a few months, that chemical "click" may not be there and he/she may not be as appealing. Also I have had great relationships with people who I didn't think I "clicked" with but as I got to know them the more fantastic they became. I think people need to "date" more and "hook up" less if they are looking for something long term.

Just an opinion from someone who dated a lot,

-D

 

[Paisley]

Remember the post about kids not being allowed to date before 16 - and all ending up parents early?

I believe it is my post you are referring to. There may have been an element of our parents thinking they could just lay down the law and it would be obeyed. But I don't think that's all there was to it. Our parents were immature when they became parents, they thought short-term, they didn't have support system of family and friends (they moved too much), and they had more kids than they could handle.

However, my brothers and sisters had the same problem with short-term thinking. I eventually thought long-term and never got into trouble. I don't know where I got the idea.

There are many reasons things turn out wrong, and people are individuals. That's why I don't really like most blanket advice, like dating early, or later, or a lot or not at all.

 

[Viola]

I do think some of the "well MY daughter won't go on solo dates to such-and-such age" are a little optimistic.

I mean, my mom didn't outright approve me dating this one (older) guy when I was 14, but she came home and found us kissing on the porch. It wasn't that I thought my mom would be so keen on the idea, either. Kids will do some stuff on their own.

They need the boundaries and the training so that they want what you want, because otherwise they'll do what THEY want, and you...won't want that.

I had enough attention and structure in my life that I was "jus' kissing" - some girls that age don't get that.

 

[scotrace]

Individuals

Of course, each teenaged child is an individual - they're people after all. But they are still children in many ways. While you and I, as adults, may be able to more clearly see the lines outside which danger lurks, those lines aren't so clear for them. From the time they're born they count on us to provide the safety of reasonable boundaries. Over time you learn what each new person you're rearing is like, and adjust, learn more, shower them with love, talk a lot, listen more. In the end, a parent is the reponsible adult in charge, because there has to be one. It's best if it isn't the child calling the shots.
In watching other people's kids grow up, one sees all sorts of philosophies in action. Some parents are very strict, some physically punishing, some smothering, some hands-off. The one consistent observation I've made is that when children are left to make all their own decisions; when is bed time, do you have to do your homework or not, is it necessary to get the best grades you are capable of achieving, what can they wear to a special event, what time must they be home, etc, then we have abdicated our own role as guide and teacher and the setter of boundaries. Many children raised in this way that I know personally as young adults are without grounding, tend to make terrible personal decisions and lead subsistance level lives. They also find it difficult to accept the series of hierarchies in which we all must function as grownups. Like it or not, we all have to live by rules as adults - if you've never had to do that, how do you learn it at 25? Probably wth the loss of a few teeth.
At the opposite end, young adults I know who have been either very strictly raised or smothered exploded in unsavory directions the moment the bonds were eased by distance. Sometimes they come back around, sometimes not. But they leave a trail of broken hearts, bad decisions and debts moral and financial in their wake.
I'd never say "Absolutely NO dating 'til you are 17!" But I can see "Maybe this weekend is a little premature for a boy to come and pick you up to go out. I think perhaps by the time Homecoming rolls around this year you'll want to go. We should plan for that. You can go to see a movie with a group of friends this weekend instead." It's a matter of individual maturity and knowing how far that child can be trusted.

 

[Pilgrim]

It's certainly a balancing act. Absolute dictates provide something for kids (or us) to fight - it's predictable. Conversation, sharing reasons for what we do and the decisions we make, and being willing to listen, are all important.

Kids can't make all the calls - but their parents need to listen and be willing to suit the call to the child and the occasion as well.

BTW - our daughters changed more in the first 60 days of middle school than they had in the previous three years. That was when peer pressure really impacted them - it was astonishing how fast it worked. So if your kids haven't hit middle school (Jr. High) yet, just watch and wait. Changes will be coming.

 

[Phil]

I'm not going to say how old someone should be when they're ready to date. Mainly because it's not my place. I would like to say that it is importnat to make sure you're firm with your beliefs with dating. Make sure your child has a good set of morals and doesn't go too much with peer pressure. Again, as I always say, just use common sense.