Pairing Off -- Split from Romantic Gestures

[Marc Chevalier]

I agree 100%. If your partner won't stick with you because another person is interested in her/him, then you've learned that the partner wasn't right for you in the first place. Better to find it out sooner than later.

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[carebear]

Just cause I go out and spend time with someone I´m not his girlfriend. I´ve been spending loads of time with guys I wouldn´t consider as boyfriend.

...When I spend time with someone and sooner and later it comes to Sex than that´s the point where the guy is my boyfriend (if he doesn´t run away afterwards - but that never happened). From about that time on I have no eye for another man and don´t even consider playing with the bigmouths any more. I´m faithfull to the bone and I´m one of those women that thinks about geting married with the one she loves from the start ;-)

Great post Sari.

Here's the answer in a nutshell for why "dating" is almost immediately considered a relationship nowadays.

In the past decades for the majority of people it seems physical intimacy is more or less an expected part of going out more than, say, twice (for the "moral" folks). At least in the past, getting physical (and admitting to it) was seen as a marker of a real emotional commitment, which works if you're going to wait for more than a couple dates to get busy.

Since they aren't, they then want the protective status of being a "couple" because they are coupling rather than waiting until they are actually a "couple" before doing the deed.

The separation of physical intimacy from real emotional intimacy is what led to this and many other problems. But you know, we wouldn't want to be Puritanical or repressed or anything.

 

[carebear]

I agree 100%. If your partner won't stick with you because another person is interested in her/him, then you've learned that the partner wasn't right for you in the first place. Better to find it out sooner than later.

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One thing I've pointed out to several female friends is that if they started seeing a guy who was cheating on his girl with them at the time (regardless of his relationship's health) all they know for sure about him is that he is a proven liar and a proven cheater.

An honorable person may find they love someone else more than the person they are currently with (that's life sometimes). But they have the stones to actually break off the first relationship before emotionally or physically beginning the next.

 

[Paisley]

It does beg the question, though: what are "clear indications" of unhappiness in a relationship? And if she "does not plan to remain" in it, why hasn't she left it already?

Oh, maybe Mr. Right Now meets her needs, maybe she has other things to focus on at the moment, maybe the right one just hasn't come along. Sounds like all the reasons I hung onto my 1988 Ford Tempo.

 

[Lauren]

lol lol lol

 

[Marc Chevalier]

Sounds like all the reasons I hung onto my 1988 Ford Tempo.

lol Well, if a 2006 Lexus rolls by and flashes its brights, consider giving it a test drive.

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[Lincsong]

As a wise old friend once told me, if you're able to get someone away from his girlfriend pretty easily, someone else can get him away from you, too, just as easily.

And you'd know that he's probably willing to string you along until he can upgrade to someone else, because he did it to his last girlfriend.

Well, way back when there were in-line sixes and three on the tree in cars this woman was engaged to be married to a man, she saw my uncle, gave the ring back to the man she was engaged to, and she and my uncle have been married for over 50 years.

 

[Miss_Bella_Hell]

It is an action entirely without honour, even if it is ecologically sound, to try and take another's girl/boyfriend, husband/wife/partner. You wait and watch and if they become single you make your move. However, if, from inside their relationship, they nod in your direction, then I think it is reasonable to endeavour to find out how they feel.

I couldn't agree more. I would characterize it as "creepy" rather than dishonorable, but that's just me.

When a woman in our social circle did this to my boyfriend, he immediately told me, and I promise you the view we both share of her is no longer favorable.

 

[Paisley]

Well, way back when there were in-line sixes and three on the tree in cars this woman was engaged to be married to a man, she saw my uncle, gave the ring back to the man she was engaged to, and she and my uncle have been married for over 50 years.

My brother got his wife this way--she was engaged to a friend of his. My other brother was engaged to someone when he married another after he'd known her three days. Both brothers are still married after all these years.

I know it's a soul-searching question for some, whether to leave their significant other for someone else, but I've known others who have a habit of leaving one person for another. (My sisters come to mind.)

I say the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. You should consider the person's history if you're thinking about poaching. And as Bella Hell said, you can damage your reputation.

"Wild one, I'll make you settle down," goes the song. I've had several brothers-in-law who thought that.

 

[Lauren]

I agree a little bit with what everyone has said. I agree wholehearedly to leave the married people alone, and obviously you can tell when someone is in a serious relationship and know not to mess with them, and I know if I was in a relationship I wouldn't leave my guy because a newer guy came into the picture. I think the thing is that if I, myself, found myself attracted to someone else and wanting to know more about them that the problem would be with me. If I was being unfaithful in my mind then there had to be some underlying issue of why the relationship was not working and why I'd want to be considering someone else. Would I make the move on a guy friend in a relationship? Probably not- but I'm of the old fashioned sentiment that a guy should ask a girl out on a date, not the other way around unless you're been dating for a while. I know for myself I wait at least half the time I was in a relationship before I'll consider dating someone again- to make sure that I've come to terms with what happened in the relationship and the breakup. I've never been one to bouce from guy to guy. BUT I really think it's a good test to see how you value the relationship you're in. I think the issue with me is not "stealing" or "taking" someone's partner, but the working of the mind to consider it. Even though it may be creepy if you're really commited to your present partner it's a good test of your faithfulness.

 

[Marc Chevalier]

You should consider the person's history if you're thinking about poaching.

Wrong word. "Poaching" is stealing. The only way for one person to steal another is by kidnapping her/him. Furthermore, poaching means stealing someone else's property. You don't really mean that boyfriends and girlfriends own each other, do you? As in master and slave? As an FL friend, I urge you to find a better word to use. This one is highly misleading.


Common sense shows that it's not stealing. It's offering yourself to someone else who has the perfect right to choose to refuse (or accept) your proposal.


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[Paisley]

intransitive verb
1 : to encroach upon especially for the purpose of taking something
2 : to trespass for the purpose of stealing game; also : to take game or fish illegally
transitive verb
1 : to trespass on *a field poached too frequently by the amateur — Times Literary Supplement*
2 a : to take (game or fish) by illegal methods b : to appropriate (something) as one's own c : to attract (as an employee or customer) away from a competitor

Source: Merriam Webster's 11th Collegiate Dictionary.

 

[Paisley]

"Poach" also means "to cook in simmering liquid." A person could, indeed, find himself in hot water for trying to take someone's sweetie.

 

[Marc Chevalier]

[Poach:] to attract (as an employee or customer) away from a competitor.

Is that what you originally meant when you used the word? Jolly good; I agree with the definition above. I was worried you were thinking of the word's other definitions, which do not accurately describe the matter.


(And let's face it; when most folks see the word "poach", they do tend to think "steal" ... unless it's breakfast time )

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[herringbonekid]

( poach means to trespass on another's land to take fish or game. so it's more complex than just stealing. you wouldn't say "i just poached this radio". so, while theft is involved, it also involves an element of coaxing, stalking or hunting )

 

[maintcoder]

(And let's face it; when most folks see the word "poach", they do tend to think "steal" ... unless it's breakfast time )

I see the word 'poach' and I think of eggs benedict! Dang... now I'm hungry :eusa_doh:

 

[Marc Chevalier]

( poach means to trespass on another's land to take fish or game. so it's more complex than just stealing. you wouldn't say "i just poached this radio". so, while theft is involved, it also involves an element of coaxing, stalking or hunting )

As you say, poaching is a type of stealing. Complex, yes. But stealing nonetheless.

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[Paisley]

I really don't think of boyfriends and girlfriends as property, or people to be ordered around. That is being too controlling. Some think that significant others shouldn't even dance with other people or have friends of the opposite sex. I don't agree with this. That is setting someone up for isolation and possibly even abuse.

Naturally, being a boyfriend or girlfriend isn't a commitment, no matter what we'd like to think when we're in that situation. (Yes, I know some people can be together as a couple for decades, but I think that is the exception.)

Finally, I believe that astute people know or suspect when someone else is interested. Maybe a little flirtation is the way to go instead of (or at least, before) sitting someone down and saying, "I know you're in a relationship, but..."

 

[Marc Chevalier]

Maybe a little flirtation is the way to go instead of (or at least, before) sitting someone down and saying, "I know you're in a relationship, but..."

I agree with you. It usually starts off this way, I think. People don't tend to jump in that pool without dipping their toes in first and checking the temperature.

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[Lincsong]

I'm sorry you're engaged too.

I agree with you. It usually starts off this way, I think. People don't tend to jump in that pool without dipping their toes in first and checking the temperature.

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Most people aren't going to go in full throttle and say "Hey I see you're dating with XX there, he better start walking because I'm taking over"lol Reminds me of a scene in the movie Shag, were Buzz goes up to Carson and talks to her, she shows her engagement ring and says; "I'm sorry, but I'm engaged" and Buzz replies; "I'm sorry you're engaged too". lol :eusa_clap Reminds me of something I once said.

Now, there are some who do this, but most will take the soft sell approach. So you get to know her, strike up a conversation and see if there's any commonality between you two. Then work around to how she's at in her relationship with XX. If she indicates she's happy move on, but if she's complaining about him for any multitude of reason, hey, stick around and give it a shot, all she's going to do is tell you no.[huh]