Older women with younger men and VICE-VERSA!

[jamespowers]

Anyone who would have children should first consider whether they will likely be healthy and energetic enough for the next 20 years to take care of them.

Twenty years?! I'll be 58. No big deal. My father was older than I am now when I was born---albeit just a few years.
The other half of the equation is what knowledge can be imparted from an older parent. Both of my parents were past their "what side should I part my hair on this morning" stage. They had lived through a few things and could be counted on to set a good example and follow through.
By high school, my father was retired. Those were the best years of our relationship because he had the time, wisdom and funds to be involved in my life when I needed him.
He and my mother are gone now but I think that age has its advantages in child rearing. Patience is one of them.

Regards,

J

 

[Spitfire]

Got my first son when I was 33 years old. Got divorced a few years later and since his mother got custody, I never saw a lot of him in his childhood. (She wouldn't let me)
But when he grew up and got older he himself turned to me, so that has changed to the better now. And we have a good father/grownup-son relationship going now.

In 1986 I married my wife and our son was born in 1988 - when I was 43.
Back then I kind of felt it was too late to have a kid - but I am glad we did.
Now I have the time, experience - and hopefully wisdom - to help him through his comming time of studies.
And I still had the power and stamina to play football, go camping etc. with him, when he was a kid and teenager.
So it was the perfect match - but I would absolutely not have a child today.

 

[Aaron Hats]

Anyone who would have children should first consider whether they will likely be healthy and energetic enough for the next 20 years to take care of them.

Marriage doesn't necessarily equal children.

 

[Edward]

Marriage doesn't necessarily equal children.

Very true - there are those of us out there who have made an absolute decision we do not want to have kids. Probably one of the big reasons I'm still on my own - most women, I find, are very much focussed on the notion of children. Definitely something a couple have to decide on in advance - I hear of far too many folks where there are real difficulties in a long term relationship becase one party (usually, but not always, the woman) wants children and the other (usually the man) very definitely does not. Even in some cases where this was made clear from the off, but somebody went into it thinking "oh, that will change..."

 

[Spitfire]

Well Edward - aren't you just happy, that your parents did not made that decission[huh]

 

[Paisley]

I don't think that people automatically improve with age.

Twenty years?! I'll be 58. No big deal. My father was older than I am now when I was born---albeit just a few years.
The other half of the equation is what knowledge can be imparted from an older parent. Both of my parents were past their "what side should I part my hair on this morning" stage. They had lived through a few things and could be counted on to set a good example and follow through.
By high school, my father was retired. Those were the best years of our relationship because he had the time, wisdom and funds to be involved in my life when I needed him.
He and my mother are gone now but I think that age has its advantages in child rearing. Patience is one of them.

Regards,

J

 

[Edward]

Well Edward - aren't you just happy, that your parents did not made that decission[huh]

Heh... i guess so, though I suppose I wouldn't know otherwise if they had! lol

Don't get me wron,g I'm not against folks having kids, it's just not for me.

 

[BegintheBeguine]

My wife is 20 years older than me. What do I win?

We've been married 16 years and are happier than ever. Don't ask me how or why it works...it just does.

Aaron

Well, Aaron, your wife has me beat. I'm only 17 and a half years older than my hubby. Although the man I dated before I met him was 22 years younger, someone I used to babysit. Wow.

 

[jamespowers]

I don't think that people automatically improve with age.

Not all people but you definitely have lived through more. Experience is sometimes the best teacher.

Regards,

J

 

[GoldLeaf]

Some as much as 5 years (which was awkward, I didn't know he was 19 for 3 months).

Elaina, that happened with me and my hubby! Our age gap is only 4 years, though.

Sorry I am really late on this thread

We met in a bar and the music was very loud. He was gigging there that night, so he had to be 21 to play, so he used different fellow's ID. When I asked how old he was, he was afraid the owner was in ear shot, so he said "21".

Later, he explained that he would be turning some age or another in June, and this was March. I thought he said he was 20, turning 21 in June. I figured, ok, I am 22, that is pretty ok. What he actually said was that he would be turning 20 in June

Between the noise and the wine, I didn't hear what he said, so I just nodded. I figured I caught the main gist, right? By the time I figured out how old he was a couple months later, it was too late, I was in love. I almost broke up with him, and I am glad that I didn't

I was freaked out at the time, but I realize that when I am 34 and he is 30, no one will think a thing. I was odd when he was 19 and I was 22, though It took a long time until he could legally have a glass of wine with me at dinner lol

As to the question of 50/50, I don't think any relationship is split evenly on every task. Almost always, it is 80/20. But, if he does 80% on half the things, and I do 80% on half the things, then it comes out about fair.

 

[Aaron Hats]

Well, Aaron, your wife has me beat. I'm only 17 and a half years older than my hubby. Although the man I dated before I met him was 22 years younger, someone I used to babysit. Wow.

We should have our own club...there seems to be a growing number of us.

As to the question of 50/50, I don't think any relationship is split evenly on every task. Almost always, it is 80/20.

We have never believed in the 50/50 rule either. We believe both people have to give 100%. We think of marriage like a bank account. When times are good you keep adding to the account with good memories, vacations, hugs, etc then when times aren't so good you have a lot to draw on without going bankrupt.

Don't get me wrong I'm not against folks having kids, it's just not for me.

Same here. If you want kids that's fine but it's not for me. If more people put as much thought into whether or not to have children as they do their careers the world would be a lot better off.

Aaron

 

[Dr Doran]

My one experiment going with an older woman

When I was a hot young thing in my 20s, the best friend of a quite well-known vintage-esque performer of my acquaintance took a shine to me. She was 35 or so. She told me later that she only dated considerably younger guys. She thought of herself as a very interesting and special person, and to some degree that was true; she selected me for more obvious and simple qualities. I do not mind being objectified, in fact I enjoy it, as long as there is (considerable) room for appreciation for other aspects of my personhood besides my shoulders. The thing that didn't rub me right was that I honestly felt like she only liked me for my looks and wanted me to be the dumb young blond; and that the only aspects of my personality to which she positively responded were the boyish ones. Once I saw some Foucault on her shelf and said I did not agree with many of his ideas. She said, "Well, a lot of people really don't understand Foucault," and then changed the subject, which is about the most condescending thing I ever heard. She wanted a teen boy toy. When I began to take academia more seriously, there was a particular brand of hostility from her as though any attempt of mine to be intellectual would be a pretension. As though my only function was to be a boy toy for her. This crazymaking situation quickly led to the cessation of our special friendship. That was the only older woman I ever went with. What I learned was that I cannot be condescended to, and going out with someone older created a situation too easy for condescension. Now I, at 37, am with a 34 year old woman and that is working well.

 

[SPCMickyKilian]

I would like to share that i have always had a taste for older women and only one had an actual problem with it and that didnt last long. I guess i'm old at heart, thats why i step up in the age bracket when i was dating. Now im married to a lovely young woman who is 24 going on 25 and me, 21.

 

[Classydame]

We have never believed in the 50/50 rule either. We believe both people have to give 100%. We think of marriage like a bank account. When times are good you keep adding to the account with good memories, vacations, hugs, etc then when times aren't so good you have a lot to draw on without going bankrupt.

Aaron

Aaron, I have been trying to figure out how to explain the 100% rule and you did it excellently. Thank you! And, I so agree!

Shellie

 

[killertomata]

That is a really good way to say it. I think I'll share that with my boyfriend, he'll like that.

About age differences:

So much isn't about age but experience. My boyfriend is younger only in years, but he has a lot more life experience in some areas than I do, and I in others, and it helps because we both have a lot to draw on in working through things when we need to. I never think of him as younger, I just think of him as an equal.

 

[GoldLeaf]

Aaron,

You said that beautifully. We both give 100% to the relationship everyday, as well. I am dedicated and devoted to this relationship, and I will do what ever hard work it requires (as will my hubby). I completely agree with your summary, beautifully worded.

What I meant were the actual household tasks and things to keep the house running. For example, my hubby does 80% of the cooking, and I do 80% of the nit-picky cleaning. He pays all the bills, but in return I schedule car maintenance, doctors appointments, etc. I think that the tasks that we do individually to contribute to the marriage add up to 100% a piece, but just not 100% from both of us on every chore.

I feel bad because lately, I have been so fatigued with the first trimester of my pregnancy that I have really depended on the hubby to do a lot more than usual. I will try to make it up here for a couple months before I am all tired again

If more people put as much thought into whether or not to have children as they do their careers the world would be a lot better off.

I agree! Or if some people gave it any thought at all! My hubby and I both thought about it long and hard.

As I have admitted in a different thread, I have a therapist that I see from time to time to keep my head on straight So does my hubby. We work very hard at being at peace, laying our issues to rest, and pushing ourselves to be better people.

Children were something that we both talked about in therapy. Why we wanted them, if we were ready, etc. When we came to the conclusion that we were going to start our family, I knew that it was for the right reasons (for us), and that we were ready to give to our children emotionally all the things that we couldn't have a few years ago.

If we will be good parents, only time will tell. At least we thought about it, worked on ourselves first, and I hope we decided to enter into parenthood for solid reasons. It took us 11 months to get pregnant, so we had a lot of time to think. Of course, I am scared to death, now

 

[Dr Doran]

It took us 11 months to get pregnant, so we had a lot of time to think. Of course, I am scared to death, now

You'll be fine. You're tall and strong and your baby will be great-looking if it looks anything like you.

 

[jamespowers]

I agree! Or if some people gave it any thought at all! My hubby and I both thought about it long and hard.

As I have admitted in a different thread, I have a therapist that I see from time to time to keep my head on straight So does my hubby. We work very hard at being at peace, laying our issues to rest, and pushing ourselves to be better people.

Children were something that we both talked about in therapy. Why we wanted them, if we were ready, etc. When we came to the conclusion that we were going to start our family, I knew that it was for the right reasons (for us), and that we were ready to give to our children emotionally all the things that we couldn't have a few years ago.

If we will be good parents, only time will tell. At least we thought about it, worked on ourselves first, and I hope we decided to enter into parenthood for solid reasons. It took us 11 months to get pregnant, so we had a lot of time to think. Of course, I am scared to death, now

Gee, it only took the wife and I 11 years to have our first child. Now that is called planning. No accidents there.
Don't be scared to death. It is a lot less work than I thought it would be. Then again I work all day while my wife is home with my son.

Regards,

J

 

[Dr Doran]

Gee, it only took the wife and I 11 years to have our first child. Now that is called planning. No accidents there.
Don't be scared to death. It is a lot less work than I thought it would be. Then again I work all day while my wife is home with my son.

Regards,

J

Powers is (as often) right. It's much more fun than people think. You don't sleep as much as you might like, at first, but then you get used to it. And soon enough IF THE KID IS ON A PRETTY REGULAR SCHEDULE they sleep almost the whole night through. The book On Becoming Babywise by Ezzo and Bucknam, although repetitive, is useful for this. Their smiles, and the sight of them learning about the world is more than worth any trouble.

 

[jamespowers]

Powers is (as often) right. It's much more fun than people think. You don't sleep as much as you might like, at first, but then you get used to it. And soon enough IF THE KID IS ON A PRETTY REGULAR SCHEDULE they sleep almost the whole night through. The book On Becoming Babywise by Ezzo and Bucknam, although repetitive, is useful for this. Their smiles, and the sight of them learning about the world is more than worth any trouble.

Well at nine months he is still not on a regular schedule. Sleep?! What is that? I just love waking up at 1, 4 and 7 every morning.
The whole thing about how fast they learn is amazing. Stand up, take a few steps, fall down and do it all over again.
You are going to love it GoldLeaf. They become so much a part of your life that you can't even remember what it was like without them. I kind of wish he would learn to walk to the bathroom and use it on his own though.

Regards,

J