Oh Dear Me...

[BeBopBaby]

I don't know what you'd call it, but I am a very shy person ... before you get to know me... then, I am rather outgoing. It's something I have had to deal with my whole life, and I have found I am much more comfortable in intimate settings with a few people than in a big place with a lot of people. So I try to stick to that. I know I don't need to be everyone's friend, nor them mine, and that's ok with me. I do my best to be just who I am, and whether or not they choose to accept that, is up to them.
My biggest problem, socially, is that I have a tendency to clam up and not say anything if I see someone I recognize from somewhere, and even more so if we have not been formally introduced. For me to go up to someone and say "Hey!, I'm Red, I know you from the FL, how are you?", takes an act from God. The one and only time I've done that, is when I met my husband, and literally, it was an out of body experience, and I was thinking, what the hell am I doing?, and Did I just say that out loud???? lol
The problem I find with clamming up like that, is I've heard it gives the impression that I hate them or I'm mean, when it is really just the opposite. People I've become friends with much later have told me this.. sometimes, it's taken a few years to become friends with someone, simply because I can't get the words out. It's completely ridiculous, but it's what I live with.

Red - It's like you just described me to a T. Right down to people thinking I'm an extrovert because they see me with my close friends with whom I am comfortable and then thinking I am mean because I clam up and am very introverted around people with whom I am not familiar with.

I think part of it is that I don't have much in common with 95% of the populace and find it hard to relate to people that I feel so different from. I sit at lunch and read Horatio Hornblower novels while my co-workers discuss the latest Britney Spears debaucle. They seem unable to move beyond talking about what was on Access Hollywood last night and I think I'd rather just be left alone than have to listen to gossip garbage. I actually have a co-worker that was proud to inform me one day that the only book she's ever read was a book that they forced her to read at school after I tried to start a conversation with her about books. I'm sorry if this sounds arrogant (I am far rom it, really!) but after I get so many blank stares from people, I've just gotten into the habit of keeping my own company. Leading a rich internal life was always much more important to me.[huh]

 

[ITG]

In Kindergarten, I wouldn't speak to any teachers or classmates. To speak to my mom's friends, I'd put my Pooh Bear in front of me to talk for me (or so my mom's friend Wanda tells me). In 1st-2nd grade, I made progress, I would talk with my fingertip in my mouth (I was fine around family). In third grade I changed schools and although still shy, I would talk without my fingertip in my mouth. In 4th grade, I changed schools again and it was a lot better...I made several friends and it was uphill from there. Not sure why I went through that phase; my mom called it "selective mutism." Happy, I remember you from the last QM and thought you seemed like a kind person. Don't let what you think others think, rule the way you respond.

 

[pigeon toe]

I had to go to speech therapy classes for a few years starting in kindergarten because I would talk so quietly no one could hear me!

I also had public panic attacks involving crying when I'd get nervous up until my freshman year of college. I'm so glad that hasn't happened in a few years, that was the worst stuff ever.

So yes, it gets better. It just takes time!

 

[Martinis at 8]

Nope. Never been shy, but never been a groupie type either.

M8

 

[Lincsong]

People mistake my scoping the scene out for being shy. But, actually I try to get to know people first because I have a straight forward personality and some people are insulted by my colorful language and phrases.

 

[M Tatterscratch]

Mr. HFLG,

Although I wasn't there, I feel your pain, brother. I'm not particularly shy, but I am painfully self-conscious. Funny for someone who dresses as peculiarly as I do, but being any other way would be a visual lie, so I've just adjusted to it over the years. I frequently worry that people are listening to my conversations, watching me, and so forth. I think it's a nasty combination of egotism and social anxiety.

Fortunately, my job has done a lot to help in overcoming the visible effects of this. I routinely present work and speak before large groups of my peers and superiors. After a bit of this kind of thing, entering a room or being in public is frequently much easier to deal with.

Although perhaps it sounds absurd, you might consider finding reasons for doing some public speaking, or perhaps taking to the stage. Both may do you a world of good. I believe that this was previously suggested, and I can attest to the fact that both are very freeing.

While it may have seemed strange at the time, I find something rather admirable about your just coming out and saying, "I have this feeling you don't like me". Of course it puts the other person on the spot, but if more people were this honest, we might end up with a more comfortable society. Or we might end up a race of hermits. Either way, problem solved!

Awfully sorry to have missed the fun aboardship. If I'd been in the country, I would gladly have driven out from Chicago for it. Perhaps next year.

Uh-oh, everybody is thinking that I talk too much. I'd better stop now.

T.

 

[olive bleu]

I work in a bank, and some days easily talk to 70 -80 strangers.My collegues and supervisors see me as confident and outgoing. But in social situations, I am anything but.If I have the good fortune of running into someone i know well at a social gathering or if i meet someone new and get onto a topic I am comfortable with, I often will spend the whole time taking to that one person.I fret constantly in social gathering and think people think I am strange or just don't like me.I often think I have been misunderstood, or dismisssed, when really I am the one who is not understanding. I never phone people and will often cancel outings at the last minute because I can't deal with the anxiety.I have always been shy. As a teen I would spend whole days alone working on a drawing or reading.I have let a lot of wonderful friendships slip away because I withdrew. I am not a dark or sullen person. I am actually very positive and optimistic. Maybe I just like my own company alot, mostly I just want to be accepted for who I am. I guess this is one reason why I like it here. We already have some common ground. But hiding behind a keyboard , thousands of miles away is not all that threatening really, is it?

 

[KilroyCD]

Some of the troubles I have aren't really beginning a conversation, it's keeping it up and ending it. I can't say I know how to end a conversation, and sometimes while on a subject, I can't seem to find another. I would suggest that if anyone here, whether shy or open find that the person they are speaking to has a loss of words, find a subject and help them out. I've been in many conversations where once I can't think of what to say, they lose interest and move on to someone else or don't say anything at all either.

That can be a problem for me as well, unless I'm talking with someone about a subject I'm passionate about, or at least have a passing interest in. If it's something like small talk, Im lousy at that.
I was never terribly shy, but I was really never the best conversationalist, and sometimes that still rears its ugly head today. I'm at my best when I'm with a group of people, and I know some of them. Otherwise I feel like an outsider. That is, unless it's at a living history event, or when I'm doing some airshow announcing (you ever want to get over shyness, that's the way to do it!). If I'm "performing", I fall into that "life of the party" persona. It's almost if it's therapy for me.

 

[pretty faythe]

I've always been quite, shy, and kept to myself. ALWAYS!! Some years back I had a co-worker tell me about a year later, after we ran into each other again on another job that when he first met me he thought I was a, well, so not to use foul language "a female dog" lol because of it.

Its low self-esteem rooting back from high school I suppose. I have been slowing trying to get myself out of it. Its hard, but it is happening.

Baby steps to get myself out of the norm. Talking to people I would like to have friendships with at work, that normally I would just say "oh well" and let it go. Thinking if they wanted to be my friend they'd talk to me. But then again, people think that since I am so quite and keep to myself I have no interest in anyone or anything else. Its not so.

 

[zaika]

That can be a problem for me as well, unless I'm talking with someone about a subject I'm passionate about, or at least have a passing interest in. If it's something like small talk, Im lousy at that.
I was never terribly shy, but I was really never the best conversationalist, and sometimes that still rears its ugly head today. I'm at my best when I'm with a group of people, and I know some of them. Otherwise I feel like an outsider. That is, unless it's at a living history event, or when I'm doing some airshow announcing (you ever want to get over shyness, that's the way to do it!). If I'm "performing", I fall into that "life of the party" persona. It's almost if it's therapy for me.

that's me exactly! lol

 

[happyfilmluvguy]

I have been reading the last few responses and I am enjoying them all. I like to take chances, and just made an event thread, so anyone who is in area, who'd like to have lunch with me, who may even be shy or afraid, I welcome you to join me. I like having the company. Here's the thread
I believe that reading this thread will help anyone overcome their fear. It's nice to be honest and open in places like this, isn't it? Perhaps it will persuade you to go a step further.

 

[Quigley Brown]

I sort of hate that it takes a couple of drinks before my personality comes out. People are surprised when I become talkative and silly (and flirty). Should I ever get to the QM event I think I'd throw all caution to the wind and make sure I got to know everyone as much as possible in those couple of days.

 

[The Outlaw Kyle]

I'm fascinated with the responses here. Public speaking has never been difficult for me, from high school right to today. I was even in plays in high school even. However, I think to a certain extent that had a negative effect on my popularity, as that ability in guys is, or at least seemed to me, to be viewed as effeminate. With my interests in history, Star Trek & ham radio, and non-interest in sports, my lack of dates was almost assured .

What is interesting is how many people on here were the "un-cool" ones, at some point in their lives. We are from many professions, lifestyles and political bents. What about this shared interest of vintage/retro/style draws us?

Now, to the point of the discussion. Something that I have always found useful in talking to people I don't know is to get them to talk. I have a wide range of interests, and love to discuss other peoples passions. About the only thing I don't know/care about is sports, but even that I can suffer through. It seems even shy people like to talk about what drives them.

 

[scotrace]

I was a painfully backward kid, and it has never really gone away. I've stuck my foot in my mouth so many times that I automatically clam up and rehearse what I'm about to say, or more often, just shut up altogether. Better to say nothing than to get that "look" from others. I think it makes me seem cold and unapproachable.

Last year, HFLG, we sat next to each other at dinner. I enjoyed that very much, but also was somewhat horrified because my own handicap (I'm rather deaf) and your soft-spoken speech combined to make me a worse-than-lousy dinner companion! I still look back on that time and wince. This thread gives me a chance to apologize for not being able to keep up my end of our talk, and to say that I really did enjoy being with you for a bit.

Then again, I have been in a lot of plays, and I like public speaking a lot - as long as I don't have to take questions. I can never hear them.

 

[deanglen]

My greatest fear is not public speaking, God knows, it couldn't be, given my calling, but the speaking that I fear the most is with those I am closest to. They know me too well and I often seem to be confusing and aloof and don't communicate with them very well. Cross to bear, I guess.





dean

 

[happyfilmluvguy]

Last year, HFLG, we sat next to each other at dinner.

No reason to apologize. It was noisy in there anyways. I seem to remember trying to talk but couldn't even hear myself.

 

[Ada Veen]

I felt as if I was doing something wrong and I was, but it wasn't what I thought. I was afraid of not being accepted, of not "going with the flow", of being myself, because I didn't need to impress anyone to get their attention. I just needed to be myself. For anyone who has had experiences like this, I urge you to share them in the most honest way possible without complaining, because there is nothing to fear. I've told people for years to be themselves, and now I need to tell myself that. I say swallow that fear and dive right in because you'll find out that by the time you are engaging in a great conversation, all it took was being yourself, being honest and respecting yourself. People won't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves, and I plan on beginning right away.

It's probably not of any use to you, but I'll share a personal experience anyway. I generally think though that social anxiety is because you don't trust the world to treat you well, because in the past it has let you down.
When I was younger I didn't really trust strangers, and would wait a long time to get to know someone and be sure I trusted them before I opened up. It's like my default setting was to keep myself out of harm's way, and then when someone had earned my trust, I would be a very loyal friend to them.

Now, there has been a significant change in the way I relate to other people - my default setting is to trust people. If they then wrong me, I just cut them out of my life.

Truly and honestly, I am now 760% happier than I ever was before. I have realised the following :

1. Most people are good. They want to like you and they want to be your friend.
2. trust is a lovely thing, and once people have it they don't want to give it up. If you trust people they are more likely to be trustworthy in their actions toward you.
3. By being wary of people, even though you have good reasons (you have been hurt before, and want to give your trust wisely) you give off the idea that you don't trust people. If you don't trust people they don't always see a need to earn your trust. Ironically, though you are scared of being judged, because you may come across as detached, people think you are judging them or don't like them!
4. By being open, you meet a lot more people. Thus, if someone doesn't like you, you can just go "screw him, I have x, y and z friends who make me feel good about myself."

By 'you' I really mean me, as I'm only talking from my limited personal experience.
You may benefit from looking hard at the times life has let you down, having a good cry over it (I am a girl, after all!) and if there were people involved talking to them, saying "You hurt me, I did not deserve to be treated like that, I am not angry but I would like to know why." You should not worry about the consequences - when I did this I opened up a really ugly old can of worms, but you need to remember that your peace of mind and happiness is valuable and worth looking out for.

Again, I can only talk from personal experience, not worldly wisdom, but despite all the pain, the norm of existence on this world is one of love and peace, and any bad things you experience are extraordinary, despite how they feel. Once you have got to the bottom of the way you feel about yourself, and accepted that you were unfortunate, and the bad things were out of your control, but you are also stronger for going through whatever made you anxious, you can learn to trust again and will magically be cured of social anxiety I think!

Anyway, that was really long, so if you read all the way through out of politeness, thanks! I'm not trying to extrapolate from me to you, but just wanted to share something that is really important to me. I hope it helps.

 

[Ada Veen]

What is interesting is how many people on here were the "un-cool" ones, at some point in their lives. We are from many professions, lifestyles and political bents. What about this shared interest of vintage/retro/style draws us?

Do you think its because shy people read more, and loads of good books are set in the past? Or an escapism thing?

 

[happyfilmluvguy]

I've found with some nonsocial (shy or just not a people person) people, their reason for drifting out of the crowd is to create their own world, and others are drawn into it, for example, the 1940s. This may or may not be true in this case.

If there is anyone who hasn't responded, please do.

 

[M Tatterscratch]

I've found with some nonsocial (shy or just not a people person) people, their reason for drifting out of the crowd is to create their own world, and others are drawn into it, for example, the 1940s. This may or may not be true in this case.

I've always thought that If you feel out of place among your peers, it's only natural to wonder when or where you would have fit in. Couple this with the Golden Age's reputation for being a time when, "People knew their neighbours, we all looked out for each other, you could leave your door unlocked" and you have a perfect haven for misunderstood or unusually-socialised people who wish that the world would treat them more kindly. From here, it's easy to forget the bad bits and worship an idealised form of the past.

Not that I'd know anything about that sort of guff. Nope.

T.