Oh Dear Me...

[happyfilmluvguy]

On the way home tonight, I was thinking very hard. When I was in junior high and high school, I was always trying to fit in. The feeling returns every so often, and my nerves take advantage of my thoughts of acceptance. This past weekend on the Queen Mary was different for me. Last year I hardly spoke to anyone, but this year it was going to be different. I've never been much of a people person, but I gave two different personnas that weekend. One was a "the life of the party", and the other was "Oh dear me, everyone doesn't like me". The first day when I entered the Observation Bar, I saw a few members outside. One of them is a very well respected person here on the lounge, but what he does hasn't really interested me yet, so I didn't know anything about his respectiveness. We started talking but when I asked a question regarding how much money was made, his answer made me feel as if I had asked the wrong question.

It was sort of like that all throughout the weekend. I'm not a very affectionate person. Even at family gatherings, I can't build up the courage to hug and kiss anyone. It's the same with friends. I do much better when speaking more intimately with 2 or 3 people at most, but when a group's eyes are all on me, I get nervous. I shouldn't be, though. The last night, there was one person I hadn't spoken to and I knew who he was, and he probably knew me too. I decided to give it a shot, but the first comment that came out of my mouth was, "I have this feeling you don't like me". What kind of opening comment is that? He looked at me and laughed and said he had no reason to not like me. Still I felt that I was making a fool of myself, but after a few sentences, I tried hard to keep up a conversation and he acted like everyone's best friend.

I'm always giving advice to the people I know and don't know, and I'm always proud when it helps them, but when it comes to me being advised or advising myself, I come up short. It's like a photographer who normally is behind the camera, and doesn't like to be photographed. There's no reason not to be advised or use what you advise to people to yourself. When I was walking home this evening, I was speaking to myself out loud. Everything that I've typed so far, I was telling myself. I had nothing to fear. People accept you for who you are and not what you have to offer. I ran into a few members away from the ship and they asked me if I wanted to join them, but all I thought was that I would get in the way. They asked me, and I felt that I could cause trouble. I shouldn't have thought that at all.

I felt as if I was doing something wrong and I was, but it wasn't what I thought. I was afraid of not being accepted, of not "going with the flow", of being myself, because I didn't need to impress anyone to get their attention. I just needed to be myself. For anyone who has had experiences like this, I urge you to share them in the most honest way possible without complaining, because there is nothing to fear. I've told people for years to be themselves, and now I need to tell myself that. I say swallow that fear and dive right in because you'll find out that by the time you are engaging in a great conversation, all it took was being yourself, being honest and respecting yourself. People won't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves, and I plan on beginning right away.

So next time you meet someone new or old, don't be afraid to talk because the turn out won't be as good.

It was a great pleasure meeting and speaking to everyone who attended and I sincerely hope to see everyone in the near future.

 

[pigeon toe]

Seth, I had a fabulous time talking to you at the QM. I have struggled with pretty severe social anxiety my whole life, pretty much up until college. The only thing that really helped me was becoming a part of my boyfriend's group of friends, who are all really loud and gregarious. Their personalities, and the fact that they were people who shared my interests (which was hard to come by in high school), really helped me come out of my shell.

I was pretty shy at the QM though. I hardly knew anyone and was probably the youngest there. I had never really gone to any event like this before, so I was a little nervous. My boyfriend is also quite shy when he's out of his comfort zone so I thought it would be a disaster. Instead, we had a fabulous time. And even though we only got to speak to less than half the people there, it definitely gave me the confidence to go to other FL events.

I'm really impressed that you came by yourself, especially since you say you have a hard time with social events. Seriously, I'm really impressed! I know if I had to go alone, there would have been no way in hell that I would have gone. So seriously, give yourself a pat on the back. In my eyes that is very brave!

Overcoming (or accepting) your social fears/habits, can be difficult. But I wouldn't be too hard on myself if I were you, you made for very enjoyable company!

 

[Maj.Nick Danger]

I think everyone struggles with this issue to a degree at some time or another in their lives. But if we just relax, be ourselves and don't do anything wrong,...who can rightly jump on our case and dislike us for that???
Most people perhaps are too concerned about the way they appear to others to just plain dislike someone for no reason. And if they do,...their problem , not yours.
On the rare occasion when someone has been rude to me for no apparent reason, I just ask them,.. "why?" This shuts them up in a hurry. If it's a drunk that will not desist, just walk away.

 

[happyfilmluvguy]

Anyone else have these experiences? I don't want this to turn in my direction. I want to see how others feel about their experiences and how they cope with them.

 

[Miss Neecerie]

I deal with this all the time...I am only talkative with people I am comfortable with.

So sometimes...it -seems- like I am outgoing etc....but its really rough getting to that point with people..

I am vaguely -terrified- of phoning people...so i tend to not do so...and thus start losing friends because i fail at keeping up with them.

and ps: we like you how you are....

 

[Baron Kurtz]

I am utterly terrible with people i don't know. Tongue-tied, mild stuttering, inability to remember my rambling stories about paper clips. The list is endless.

I thought it'd get better with age, but it hasn't.

bk

 

[Naama]

I don't know, sociality became like a game to me....

I was never really a social kind of person when I was in my teens. Very shy, not very talkaktive either and I never really had lots of friends and was almost all the time at hom.... I also I wasn't feeling well in my body as I was overweighted and just felt like an ugly strange girl everybody just made fun of.... Then in my 20's (haha I'm 22 at the moment ) my life drastically changed! Now I have a lot of friends who are just as strange as me I don't spend a lot of time at home anymore and I think I can almost say that I'm somewhat popular.... But still, being social is HARD work for me. It's not really easy, it's hard for me to get out of myself and it's hard for me to keep up conversations, I also often feel like I'm saying strange or stupid things but people like me anyway.... [huh] (yeah, sometimes I wonder why they like me ) But still, if I don't feel well I'm shy again... it's strange....
And yes, a good tip, if you don't fit in, find people who don't fit in as well, you can have you're own group of misfits, it's fun!


Naama

 

[Foofoogal]

I was very shy as a child and teen. Then in high school a boy liked me who was very extroverted and popular ( I hate that term) and he dragged me around his friends.
Finally one day I asked myself what is the worst thing that could happen. They would bite me? That and taking speech and drama helped. Now I am too much the other way I think but figure life is way too short. If someone doesn't like me or people sometimes just flat either click or don't what is the big deal. Only about a zillion people to go and I may find some real soul friends if there is such a thing. lol
I am amazed that everyone risk going to the Queen Mary all dressed up in different clothes meeting people most do not know for the first time.
Everyone needs to pat themselves on the back. :eusa_clap :eusa_clap

Oh and I didn't meet you at all but I think you ask the neatest questions here on the FL. I find you quite interesting.

 

[Miss Crisplock]

You're right FooFooGal.

A meeting like the QM is the hight of social risk, and everyone who walked on board not knowing anyone else is very brave.

It's not at all surprising to feel ill at ease, I had to talk myself out leaving a few times. But I spoke to people, no one bit, and I had a lovely time.

 

[Tony in Tarzana]

For me, the turning point was when I started working for H&R Block back in 1991. I had to deal with many new people each tax season, and got to meet some very interesting people. Prior to that, I was very much an introvert.

It does seem to have gotten easier for me as I've grown older.

 

[RetroBabydoll]

I was really shy, but in my junior year of high school I was the social butterfly. I pretty much knew everyone. After graduating I went to college and then slowly stopped being social. I now find it very difficult to be social. It seems like I went backwards. I just find myself chatting with my bf or people that come into my beauty school for their hair or other beauty needs. I'm thankful for the forum, but it's still not talking to anyone face to face. It also seems like everyone is now busy with their own families and businesses. I think next year I'll stop by the Queen Mary.

 

[~*Red*~]

I don't know what you'd call it, but I am a very shy person ... before you get to know me... then, I am rather outgoing. It's something I have had to deal with my whole life, and I have found I am much more comfortable in intimate settings with a few people than in a big place with a lot of people. So I try to stick to that. I know I don't need to be everyone's friend, nor them mine, and that's ok with me. I do my best to be just who I am, and whether or not they choose to accept that, is up to them.
My biggest problem, socially, is that I have a tendency to clam up and not say anything if I see someone I recognize from somewhere, and even more so if we have not been formally introduced. For me to go up to someone and say "Hey!, I'm Red, I know you from the FL, how are you?", takes an act from God. The one and only time I've done that, is when I met my husband, and literally, it was an out of body experience, and I was thinking, what the hell am I doing?, and Did I just say that out loud???? lol
The problem I find with clamming up like that, is I've heard it gives the impression that I hate them or I'm mean, when it is really just the opposite. People I've become friends with much later have told me this.. sometimes, it's taken a few years to become friends with someone, simply because I can't get the words out. It's completely ridiculous, but it's what I live with.

 

[Samsa]

Count me in as a member of the terribly shy group. It was pretty bad when I was in high school - I would change hallways (which ran parallel to each other) if I saw someone else coming, simply so that I didn't have to have any interaction with them. My first two years of college (when I was living in a dorm) I was a complete hermit. Now I'm much better, though I suppose I still tend towards a rather introverted lifestyle.

One thing that has helped me immensely is working in a position (I work at the circulation desk of a rather busy library) that requires me to talk to complete strangers hundreds of times a day. I do enjoy people's company and small talk (and I always have), but working where I do allows me to force myself to make small talk and be "social" with complete strangers. I find that as a result I am much better at making small talk with acquaintances and introducing myself in social situations outside of my job.

 

[happyfilmluvguy]

I've been enjoying everyone's responses so far. I believe that activities such as the ones that are conducted through here can help a person get out of their shell to complete strangers. The nice thing about places such as this is you already know a person before you have even met them. Who knows, you could be talking to complete strangers on the street and inviting them here because of it's activities.

I'd like to hear more.

 

[imoldfashioned]

Until the middle of my college years I was so shy it was practically pathological. The title of that Monty Python sketch "How Not to be Seen" would be a good heading for that period in my life. I think this was partially because I am an only child who grew up with a mother who was/is completely antisocial so I never really learned how to deal with people, and partially I think it's just my nature. I remember getting called on to speak in class as being pure torture, even though I usually knew the answers; and presentations--forget it, I was an utter wreck (I still am, inside). I avoided the lunchroom like the plague.

I started to get a bit better when a couple of my college friends took it upon themselves to give me a crash course in "how to be social"; making me eat lunch with them, dragging me to social events, purposefully drawing me out in conversations, asking me to tell stories to groups, etc. I got more practice interacting with people at work as well. For years though I just had to ignore how anxious I felt and force myself to talk to people--after a very long time the anxiety started to lessen. I think the Internet is a godsend for the shy--I can babble and ramble forever in writing with no problem whatsoever (as evidenced by this post!).

The QM event was an interesting case; there was definitely a part of me that worried about the potential for social disaster 3,000 miles from home but I forced myself to go anyhow, and I'm so glad I did. Some people I had no problem chatting with right off the bat whether I'd interacted with them online or if they were completely new. I thought it was ironic that I was able to speak to Miss Crisplock (who was completely new to me) pretty easily from the start because we started out discussing how shy we both were!

There are other folks, through no fault of their own, who make me react by regressing to the point of feeling like I can't put two words together. For instance, at one point during Saturday's dance I looked down and realized a rather large dress clip I was wearing had fallen off. I searched for it to no avail and I was starting to feel rather upset when a voice said "Excuse me, did you lose this?" I looked up and it was Lauren, who had found the piece and brought it over to me. I thanked her and we had a brief conversation in which she was as kind as you'd think she'd be from her posts here. I'm so glad I met her I probably wouldn't have if not for my mishap--I would have been far too shy to speak to her on my own. Which is ridiculous but there you are.

 

[Lady Day]

Seth,

I was profoundly introverted as a teen. So much so, I had no real friends. I lived in my head a lot, and didnt get along well with kids my own age. Never was in a click, and didnt care.

But I got to thinking, did I want to look back and regret it? So I did what you did; I stepped out of m comfort zone. You are bound to trip a bit, but youll learn from it.

In high school to get over it all, I tried out in a school play, I sang in public, I told m long time high school crush I liked him. I did a lot of things so I wouldnt regret them and found its that moment before you do the thing that is the most terrifying.

Now look at me. Some people think Im cool! [huh] Its just nerves and booze.

LD

 

[Diamondback]

I can relate to a lot of what's already been said, I tend to be antisocial to the point of "reclusive"--only really comfortable dealing with people I know well; for example, I've been dealing with the same clerks at my usual bookstore for over a decade--it took my then-boss asking me to go with her for me to even attend one of the dances the college put on, and even then, it was in the context of as her 'personal protection detail'.

Not that I can't function at all in social situations, just that it has to be either
A. with someone I know and trust (even then, it's still awkward) or
B. in a business context; in the latter, expect me be be very terse and a man of few words.

I suppose this pattern is motivated on a subconscious level by a fear of harm to my "never quit, never fail, relentless and unstoppable" reputation, possibly.

 

[happyfilmluvguy]

One interesting note for imoldfashioned,

Up until Saturday afternoon, I hadn't actually "spoken" to Lauren before. We've passed by each other many times and we just say hello how are you's but we had never actually talked standing still face to face. That was one fact I wanted to change. I was walking through the main hall of the ship and spotted her in one of the shops, and walked right in to say hello. At this point we did "know" each other, but hadn't spoken much, and I was trying very hard to speak. Her mother was there at the time and they both were very nice.

Some of the troubles I have aren't really beginning a conversation, it's keeping it up and ending it. I can't say I know how to end a conversation, and sometimes while on a subject, I can't seem to find another. I would suggest that if anyone here, whether shy or open find that the person they are speaking to has a loss of words, find a subject and help them out. I've been in many conversations where once I can't think of what to say, they lose interest and move on to someone else or don't say anything at all either.

 

[Mojito]

I was cripplingly shy as a teenager. I'd work myself into a such a state I couldn't walk up to the counter to buy tickets for a movie. Very much an introvert, I shared your problems with showing physical affection - unlike my father and sister, who are very much "hugs" people (my sister will curl up in someone's lap given half a chance). My mother - a warm, loving woman - is a bit like me...she shows her love through gifts and food.

People weren't too sympathetic, as they couldn't understand how I could be part of the debate and public speaking teams, and yet a basically introverted person. I did it by stepping into a persona - it might still have been "me" up there speaking, but it was only one facet of my personality, exagerated and developed. I still do that to this day, when I deliver papers at conferences - it's like playing a part.

I have another handicap in that I do have my extrovert moments, when I'm with a group of friends talking about a subject that interests me. Then, I can be expansive and inclusive, bringing others into the conversation, talking with great animation. But if I feel I don't have anything to contribute, I subside into silence - prompting friends to ask if anything's wrong, if I'm okay, if I'm well etc. Usually it's just the natural introversion asserting itself - as long as it doesn't tip into the melancholy that can lurk just below the surface.

I worked as a political advisor for some years and now have a job that involves dealing with members of the arts community, politicians and diplomats, and attending a lot of receptions. It's still hard taking that first step into a room with a group of people I don't know - the temptation is to run to the bar, drink flute after flute of champagne, and talk to the catering staff. There are skills you can learn, however, and it sounds like you're doing it - striking up a conversation, for example. Talk about the other person! I love clothes and accessories, so it's easy to authentically compliment someone on some aspect of their attire I like (mainly works with women). Then there's the whole question of how they came to be at the function, taking cues from what they say about their occupation or family. People love to answer questions about themselves (most questions - not intrusive ones, of course!). I make the effort to smile, even though it's not my natural relaxed expression - and I'll be up front if I don't know a single person in the room when I introduce myself into a group. Most people have been there, and will generally be sympathetic (unless they lack social adeptness themselves).

 

[Naama]

Only about a zillion people to go and I may find some real soul friends if there is such a thing. lol

I can tell you, they do exist! It's very hard finding them, and they might be the people you'll least expected!!


Naama