Maternal Dissaproval

[cchgn]

IMO, grown men learn to pick their battles, whether it's with their spouce, Parents or children, co workers or whomever.

You indicate that your parents are helping you with college, so that has to be taken into consideration. Surely the whole point of going to college is to be smarter. You're not around her all the time, right?


I'm going to advise to take the high road and not wear it around her, but do all the rest of the time and live happily ever after.


Consider this, someone close to you picks up a habit that you abhor, what would you have them do? Respect your wishes?

 

[Thunderball]

:arated::arated:

 

[HudsonHawk]

True, but her opinions will have no power if she is not holding the purse strings.

I couldn't disagree more. This is not about a hat. This is about power and control. If he can't stand up and say "I know you don't like it, but I do" now over something as minor as a hat, do you really think he'll be able to stand up to her on the big issues?

The only reason she has power now is because he gives it to her. That's not going to stop until he stands up to her, irrespective of how much money he earns.

 

[HudsonHawk]

IMO, grown men learn to pick their battles, whether it's with their spouce, Parents or children, co workers or whomever.

That's just it. There shouldn't be any sort of "battle" at all. Just wear the hat and tell her it's none of her business. End of story. Carry on.

 

[suitedcboy]

I'm still in total awe of a young man who wears a fine Akubra and is in college. The styles mimicking vampires, gangsters, convicts, and a variety of other unsavory characters abound. That you want to wear basic nice clothes and top it off with a felt fedora speaks terabytes about you positively to me.

 

[The Fedorable]

That's just it. There shouldn't be any sort of "battle" at all. Just wear the hat and tell her it's none of her business. End of story. Carry on.

I've had trouble with my mom as well that does not concern hats. The only way out of this mess is through respect towards his mother.

 

[The Fedorable]

I'm still in total awe of a young man who wears a fine Akubra and is in college. The styles mimicking vampires, gangsters, convicts, and a variety of other unsavory characters abound. That you want to wear basic nice clothes and top it off with a felt fedora speaks terabytes about you positively to me.

Considering I'm the same age as him and he has the Akubra Bogart, I too am in total awe.

 

[suitedcboy]

TTGB I didn't know those details about you. I applaud you as well.

 

[cchgn]

I couldn't disagree more. This is not about a hat. This is about power and control. ...

we don't have enough info to know if it's about power and control. No one else in the family cares one way or the other, that doesn't sound like a power hungry family.

 

[thecollegeguy123]

we don't have enough info to know if it's about power and control. No one else in the family cares one way or the other, that doesn't sound like a power hungry family.

You are correct. Everybody else in both my immediate and extended family are always supportive of me and respect my personal tastes in clothing. It is only my mother who consistantly dissaproves of my appearance and makes hurtful comments.

 

[cchgn]

That's just it. There shouldn't be any sort of "battle" at all. Just wear the hat and tell her it's none of her business. End of story. Carry on.

well, maybe there shouldn't be, but the reality is, there are. Btw, he did indicate that his parents are helping him get through college. There is the matter of respect, it's his Mom, it's Christmas.

 

[Brian Niebuhr]

What would she do if you got her the same hat in her size for Christmas? That's what I'd do. Maybe some humor would help break the tension a little. Unless she has an actual phobia of hats... Then don't do that.
I'd want to know why she has a problem with the hat. If it's a control issue then you need to "man up" a little but there could be a deep, valid emotional reason that has caused a phobia or hatred of that style of hat in which case, obviously, you'd have to respect her wishes.

 

[Historyteach24]

You all are cracking me up with this "phobia of hats" and "respect her wishes" stuff

 

[tonyb]

I moonlight as a family therapist. Competitive rates. Gimme a call.

 

[Fastuni]

@thecollegeguy

There is a lot of guessing and speculation about whether this is about "control", "gangster association" or "hat phobia"... it could be something entirely else.

I think it would be quite helpful if you could specify what exactly your mom's "hurtful" or "down-putting" comments are about.
While this may be a bit personal, I don't think sound advice can be given as long as its not clear what she said.

 

[PHIL1959]

you will find as you get older, the less other peoples views matter.
wear your hat! be yourself.

 

[thecollegeguy123]

@thecollegeguy

There is a lot of guessing and speculation about whether this is about "control", "gangster association" or "hat phobia"... it could be something entirely else.

I think it would be quite helpful if you could specify what exactly your mom's "hurtful" or "down-putting" comments are about.
While this may be a bit personal, I don't think sound advice can be given as long as its not clear what she said.

She said that it makes me look "ridiculous", "not normal", and would look at the hat and than turn away saying "oh god" as if it were disgusting. She said those things multiple times whenever she would see me in the hat. What's more disturbing is that she kept on saying that it made me look like "an old jewish man" or "amish". Even if the hat did make me look like a member of those groups, it would not bother me because I respect them. I do not see why she has to view looking even a little bit like them negatively.

 

[Fastuni]

What's more disturbing is that she kept on saying that it made me look like "an old jewish man" or "amish".

That's what I almost suspected.
Whatever people's views about orthodox Jews or Amish, that's very often simply what is associated with ("dressy") black hats with larger brims.
This may have to do something with her negativity. A lighter color hat certainly can't be labelled "Jewish" or "Amish" (as silly as this is in the first place anyway).

Although her negativity should not be a reason to avoid black hats, have you thought about getting a lighter (grey, light brown or beige) hat?
A mid-grey hat with black band is VERY versatile - much more than black or browns.
I also started out with a black fedora, but soon discarded it, since it doesn't fit with my (vintage) wardrobe and also looks just a bit too "dramatic".
I received more negative comments from strangers (though I did not care) when wearing black.
Brown usually get's "detective" or "Indiana jones" remarks... but grey is the most positively received (or simply ignored - just as good).

 

[gtdean48]

The black fedora gets the Amish/Jewish like the brown one or most other colors get you the Indiana Jones comments.
A lighter color, Silverbelly, would reflect off more heat for your Florida climate & maybe get her off your case some.
When I was 19, my mother's opinion of hair length, hats, clothing, etc. never even registered on my radar....

 

[The Wiser Hatter]

Don't you just love family. They can hurt you the most. Sounds like you have a a Mother who has done this kind of thing for a long time and it can be quite painful. Many times they do this in an automatic mode and don't even realise they can be so hurtful. It's a tough thing to deal with. Human beings do tend to put others down especially if you do not follow the group path in what ever pursuits one is involved in. I would suggest to learn how to let it go in one ear and out the other. The older you get the easier this task becomes.