Maternal Dissaproval

[thecollegeguy123]

I am a 19 year old college student in Miami. Living in the Sunshine State has led me to wearing hats as a way to protect my eyes and skin from the extreme sunlight. The hat I wear is a black Akubra fedora, the "Bogart" to be specific. The hat is a great tool for keeping cool when the atmosphere around me stays hot. It also has style advantages. People frequently compliment me on my hat. I have even become friends with one of my classmates partly because of our common love of felt hats. Since it is December, I have returned to my parents house to for winter break and I brought my hat with me. I assumed that my family, like everybody else, would love the fedora. I was wrong. My brothers tell me it looks ridiculous. Although, to be fair, that reaction was expected. They like to tease me. I do not believe that they actually dislike the hat. My father was indifferent, so there was no conflict there. My mother, on the other hand, absolutely despises my fedora. She says horrible things about how it makes me look and forbids me from wearing it outside of the house. She is apparently embarresed to be seen with me when I am wearing it. This is the latest event in a lifetime of my mother being hypercritical of my appearance and always telling me exactly how I should look. However, her reaction to my fedora was particularly negative and demeaning. I know that I will be able to wear it freely when I return to my university in January. The fact that the hat is the MOST eccentric aspect of my appearance makes me feel envious of people who have more emotionally supportive mothers. This is my first post on this website, so I apologize for it being a depressing one. I just want to know if any of you have experienced a similar situation. If so, how did you respond to it?

 

[Earl Needham]

<snip>
This is the latest event in a lifetime of my mother being hypercritical of my appearance and always telling me exactly how I should look. However, her reaction to my fedora was particularly negative and demeaning.

At 19, you may be a little young to do so, but at some point you will probably have to tell her that you think she's being too critical and you want her to stop. Try to be nice but firm about it.

 

[Lorne]

Your mother is probably not trying to be hypercritical. She knows that the world can be unkind to those who march to their own drummer and she is trying to protect you.

At 19, being protected by your mother probably isn't what you were shooting for. You were probably experimenting with a look that made you distinctive and a little support for that being different would have gone down better than mommy being mommy.

You are going to make far bigger choices in your life than what hat to wear. I'd let this one slide and save my steam for a bigger fight on a different day.

Nice choice of hat by the way.

Lorne

 

[fedoracentric]

Gently let her know that the apron strings are being cut.

 

[Baron Kurtz]

Exactly. You're 19 years old: You really don't need to listen to your mother about such matters. presumably she hasn't been clothing you for quite some time.

If it's any relief, my Ma has been bemused by my clothing/fashion choices since I was about 16 (now 35). Apparently vintage style "is not normal".

 

[seabass]

welcome collegeguy

OK so your brothers clown around, who cares & Dad is easy

MOM hmmmm were you wearing it inside the house ? at the supper table ?

you say she forbids you wearing it outside of the house & apparently embarrassed.

Ahhh you might look mature with your fedora & Mom still views you as her kid in her heart....
Tough feelings to deal with both of you.......as you are away at college that might pain her enough, she misses you.

sure I am proud to see my own kids in college & its tough to let go as a father of 5 adult kids.
I can say I am proud my boys wear fedoras as well.

you probably look mature maybe older wearing the fedora & left the nest a kid that Mom will miss dearly...

what are you wearing with the fedora might clash slightly but I am all for casual cool in a fedora..

what's important you are your own individual now taking care of your self both academically & how you protect your self from the sun
& probably look real cool doing so....

carry on son & wear that fedora proudly,,,,, but Mom is Boss at home... good luck & stay hatted !

 

[suitedcboy]

I don't get it. If you were wearing ultra low cut super skinny jeans with Keds would she be OK with that?

Is your vintage clothing off the scale or are you giving off a gangster vibe with what you wear with the hat?

(No accusations here, just trying to get a better picture)

 

[thecollegeguy123]

I don't get it. If you were wearing ultra low cut super skinny jeans with Keds would she be OK with that?

Is your vintage clothing off the scale or are you giving off a gangster vibe with what you wear with the hat?

(No accusations here, just trying to get a better picture)

I only wear normal modern jackets and regular pants. The fedora is the only part of my outfit that some would consider vintage. I have worn it with a suit on a few special occasions, but my mother was not there to witness it. The people who did see me, however, were quick to compliment me on my look.

 

[thecollegeguy123]

welcome collegeguy

OK so your brothers clown around, who cares & Dad is easy

MOM hmmmm were you wearing it inside the house ? at the supper table ?

you say she forbids you wearing it outside of the house & apparently embarrassed.

Ahhh you might look mature with your fedora & Mom still views you as her kid in her heart....
Tough feelings to deal with both of you.......as you are away at college that might pain her enough, she misses you.

sure I am proud to see my own kids in college & its tough to let go as a father of 5 adult kids.
I can say I am proud my boys wear fedoras as well.

you probably look mature maybe older wearing the fedora & left the nest a kid that Mom will miss dearly...

what are you wearing with the fedora might clash slightly but I am all for casual cool in a fedora..

what's important you are your own individual now taking care of your self both academically & how you protect your self from the sun
& probably look real cool doing so....

carry on son & wear that fedora proudly,,,,, but Mom is Boss at home... good luck & stay hatted !

I only wear the hat outside of the house. I always take it off when I come indoors.

 

[suitedcboy]

I only wear normal modern jackets and regular pants. The fedora is the only part of my outfit that some would consider vintage. I have worn it with a suit on a few special occasions, but my mother was not there to witness it. The people who did see me, however, were quick to compliment me on my look.

Sounds like your mom just hates hats for some reason. Buy a season of "White Collar" and play it incessantly while you are home from school. Could change her opinion of fedoras.

 

[seabass]

Ok collegeguy
Good so no hats worn inside the house.
Mom is a tough cookie
Yea you probably look older to her & she has not seen you in a while
Well you do have good taste in hat style

I wonder if you wore one of those modern
Stingy tapered polyester hipster hats things would have been different ?
Stay hatted son !

Ps I let my boys wear there hats inside & my wife is cool with that
But I'll slap em off if attempted at the table.

My mom is cool with hats but she is from the old school

 

[LoveMyHats2]

Hello. As a "MOM" I can perhaps shed some different viewpoints to the entire "Fedora" ordeal you have ongoing with your Mother. First, you should very calmly ask her in private, why she is negative about what you desire to wear on your head? Perhaps she feels you are too young to wear a Fedora?

After hearing what she has to say, then use the information she gives you and reply with a kind statement that you appreciate her concern in what ever it is she has told you. Then add to that, simply that you enjoy wearing the Fedora instead of a ball cap or anything else you could wear and that the Fedora makes you feel good about yourself, or that you like how you look wearing a Fedora. You can say to her, you actually find the Fedora is a mature hat to wear and you are growing up. Above all else, let he know you are very thankful for her concerns towards you. Us "Moms" like to have our children thank us!

Hope you have some luck with all of this. Have a wonderful Christmas, too!

Cindy

 

[Stanley Doble]

What does she want you to wear? I assume something, no mother ever wanted a child to go bare headed in winter.

It seems strange to me unless she has a phobia about fedoras. Or, unless she just likes putting you down.

 

[thecollegeguy123]

Hello. As a "MOM" I can perhaps shed some different viewpoints to the entire "Fedora" ordeal you have ongoing with your Mother. First, you should very calmly ask her in private, why she is negative about what you desire to wear on your head? Perhaps she feels you are too young to wear a Fedora?

After hearing what she has to say, then use the information she gives you and reply with a kind statement that you appreciate her concern in what ever it is she has told you. Then add to that, simply that you enjoy wearing the Fedora instead of a ball cap or anything else you could wear and that the Fedora makes you feel good about yourself, or that you like how you look wearing a Fedora. You can say to her, you actually find the Fedora is a mature hat to wear and you are growing up. Above all else, let he know you are very thankful for her concerns towards you. Us "Moms" like to have our children thank us!

Hope you have some luck with all of this. Have a wonderful Christmas, too!

Cindy

Thank you for the advice. I will try this.

 

[thecollegeguy123]

What does she want you to wear? I assume something, no mother ever wanted a child to go bare headed in winter.

It seems strange to me unless she has a strange phobia about fedoras. Or, unless she just likes putting you down.

I do not know what my mother would want me to wear. I have asked her that question in the past, but she never gave me a direct answer. Whenever she talks about my clothing, it is only criticism. She has never stated a prefered alternative to my appearance.

 

[Stanley Doble]

I do not know what my mother would want me to wear. I have asked her that question in the past, but she never gave me a direct answer. Whenever she talks about my clothing, it is only criticism. She has never stated a prefered alternative to my appearance.

Boy does that sound familiar. I don't know what you can do. Soon you will be able to detach yourself from that swell home environment and not come back. That is what I did. I wish there was some better solution but that is the only one I know.

 

[TheDane]

In my opinion, you are way to old for her to react that way, and I think you should tell her in a very firm way. I believe these things are more or less programmed into our biology/psycology. It's only natural to have conflicts with our parents at that age. If not - then why ever leave the nest?

When I was 14-15 years old (1969-70) I insisted on letting my hair grow and wear braided leather headbands, multi-colored home-dyed T-shirts, beads, feathers, fringes and other hippie accessories. My mother freaked out, but my dad were a lot more relaxed. He had been quite wild just after WWII, dansing jitterbug to American jazz records/bands (impossible during the war) in oversized sweaters and glueing extra rubbersoles under his shoes (rubber was rationed during the war, so the extra soles was some kind of a reaction to that). I finaly got my will, but it took a minor civilwar (not a civilized one ... believe me!).

Some years ago my youngest daughter had a septum piercing made (a small siver ring in the wall between the nostrils). Actually, I thought she looked quite cute and complimented her a lot. After all, whenever the time came to apply for jobs and the like, she could just take it out ... it was not a tattoo across her forehead. A year or two later she switched style and she dropped the silver. Today the hole is completely gone.

Parents often seem to have a very bad memory, and it's like that in every generation. On the other hand youngsters also have a strong urge to provoke (even if you don't think so, that's what you're doing). Adolescence is in many ways a wonderful and defining periode in life - but it's also a pest! And that goes for both kids and parents

Explain your point of view in a firm, fair and respectful way - and point out to her, that you are fair and respectful. Then it will be very hard for her to be disrespectful toward you. She will have to realize, that her motherhood is entering a new phase, that is very different from the one she clings onto with the rim of her nails.

Believe me, she has a very very hard time, "letting you go". Every parent has to come to terms with the fact, that parenthood is a time limited periode - and it's a h*ll lot shorter, than it seems at the entrance. Your mother is going through a painful process, but she has to realize, that the pain is her - and just as natural as the pain she bore you in.

Advice on these matters are so hard to give, but it's important to remember, there are two sides of the coin, and both parties are in an emotional hard position. In many cases both parties will be able to laugh at themselves in quite few years, but the transition itself can be difficult [huh]

I don't buy the saying "small folks - small worries". The importance of problems change as you mature, but what today seems to me as a very small problem, would almost have killed me, when I was 16. We just tend to forget our own youth as we get older - and we therefore all too often dismiss young problems as inferior. They are not!

 

[HudsonHawk]

Just tell her it's none of her business. Why is this even bothering you?

 

[TheDane]

Why is this even bothering you?

I think the answer could be: "Love" [huh]

 

[scottyrocks]

I don't buy the transition thing. Many people never change their patterns. Talking to them about it is often like talking to the wall.

If it was my mom, I'd either ignore it, or tell her that she doesn't have to appear in public with me if it bothers her that much. There are way more potential important things to be upset about.