Ladies prefer...

[Paisley]

As far as hair goes, I don't want no silver threads among the gold.

 

[Paisley]

I totally get you. Actually my friend dated a man, and what bugged her was that he actually used to borrow her jeans!! She hated the fact HE was the one with the snake hips and the smallest waist in the relationship! Don't know how i would cope with that at the risk of sounding very shallow !

That "boyfriend jeans" thing only goes one direction.

 

[vintage68]

I totally get you. Actually my friend dated a man, and what bugged her was that he actually used to borrow her jeans!! She hated the fact HE was the one with the snake hips and the smallest waist in the relationship! Don't know how i would cope with that at the risk of sounding very shallow !

*shudder* Guess I walked in at precisely the wrong time...

 

[HepKitty]

I totally get you. Actually my friend dated a man, and what bugged her was that he actually used to borrow her jeans!! She hated the fact HE was the one with the snake hips and the smallest waist in the relationship! Don't know how i would cope with that at the risk of sounding very shallow !

wow that is just wrong

I'm not really set on one "type" of guy, I more look for what works well for him. generally speaking I like tall, 6'-6'3" even though I'm not quite 5'2", clean hair or just a little gel to make it look nice (but not totally gunked up), smart, nice, funny, classy in his own way, and healthy. by healthy I mean gets some exercise and mostly watches junk food intake. has a proper sense of give and take and makes good on it (I've had it with sociopaths can you tell). good personal hygiene is not optional. oh, and someone who likes to go out and do stuff part of the time (dancing, rock climbing, traveling, whatever) and is also ok with a quiet night in every now and then. with all that, he'll be devastatingly handsome to me, even if he's not the classic male model type. I'll even give in a little on height as long as he's not close to my height. the short men that I've seen (that I've seen, there have to be exceptions) have the most heinous personalities and I can't handle that. that and at risk of sounding horrendously shallow, I can't imagine being eye-level or taller than a guy I'm supposed to kiss, I mean, I'm way short as it is

 

[Diamondback]

Question, ladies: is it considered an "Affirmative Defense" for a guy with a long list of character flaws to admit he has them and request guidance on how to either fix or work around them? (Using myself as an example, I may have a sociopathic component, but I also recognize at the end of the day the books must somehow balance and do my best to ensure they do--or if they must unbalance, they break in the other person's favor and I treat the rest as further payment on my massive Bad Karma Debt.)

 

[HepKitty]

Question, ladies: is it considered an "Affirmative Defense" for a guy with a long list of character flaws to admit he has them and request guidance on how to either fix or work around them? (Using myself as an example, I may have a sociopathic component, but I also recognize at the end of the day the books must somehow balance and do my best to ensure they do--or if they must unbalance, they break in the other person's favor and I treat the rest as further payment on my massive Bad Karma Debt.)

ask away... seriously you can't be much of a sociopath if you're asking for help to fix problems!

 

[Honey Bee]

shudder* Guess I walked in at precisely the wrong time...

BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I totally get you. Actually my friend dated a man, and what bugged her was that he actually used to borrow her jeans!! She hated the fact HE was the one with the snake hips and the smallest waist in the relationship! Don't know how i would cope with that at the risk of sounding very shallow

I use to wear The Mister's jeans when we were first married! I was 100 pounds back then and he was 170..that's what you get with high school sweethearts just married out of high school!

The outer appearance..well, now, I cannot help myself...a good hefty mustache, a well-worn cowboy hat, a pocket watch and broad shoulders...but the inside, the character...holds the door open for me, gives me his arm, considers my likes....is at my side after my heart surgery, making sure I get back on my feet, that's my type of man..oh, wait, that IS my man!!
He likes the 40's-50's but he's not as interested in it as I am, but he is supportive of my style! He teases me and calls my dresses, "June Cleaver" dresses!

 

[Honey Bee]

I may have a sociopathic component

EH?
OK. not sure what you mean there...
You are man enough to say, hey, I got a problem with __________?
Good for you! I have never met anyone who was perfect!
The Mister and I knew understood each other's "weaker spots" and knew those when we decided to get married. COMMUNICATION IS KEY TO ANY RELATIONSHIP and if you are upfront and open, then kudos to you! Not found a gal who thinks the same? KEEP LOOKING and don't settle for less...she's out there somewhere.

 

[Diamondback]

EH?

fftopic: Means it's a part of who I am but not all of it--while I may be calculating and even downright ruthless (up to a point, anyway--there's a hard-and-fast line I will not cross) about achieving my goals the flipside of the coin is that I will do my best to make sure that those affected by the situation are suitably compensated.

Not requesting advice specific to my situation (other than maybe how to put the issue on the table in a manner to avert it becoming a Showstopper), just looking for signs of hope for those of us who have long lists of character-flaws, aren't exactly happy about the situation and are trying to change it--as I've mentioned elsewhere, from my profiling work it appears that, in a supermajority of cases where men have succesfully turned back from The Wrong Side, the love of a good woman was a key piece of their success, whether having it to draw on for strength or the pursuit of it as motivation.

 

[Miss sofia]

Question, ladies: is it considered an "Affirmative Defense" for a guy with a long list of character flaws to admit he has them and request guidance on how to either fix or work around them? (Using myself as an example, I may have a sociopathic component, but I also recognize at the end of the day the books must somehow balance and do my best to ensure they do--or if they must unbalance, they break in the other person's favor and I treat the rest as further payment on my massive Bad Karma Debt.)

It is usually the individuals who are totally in denial about their shortcomings, character flaws,whatever you want to call it, who are unsuccessful in relationships, 'know thyself and all that' to admit ones flaws like yourself and to actively seek help from the other person for the smooth running of the relationship is what would in my mind be the key to a long lasting union. We are all flawed, some more than others, cut us all and we bleed, it is communication, empathy, trust and honesty that are important factors in maintaining a healthy relationship. The fact someone wants to date you in the first place means you have qualities that would have initially attracted them, maybe even your 'sociopath tendencies', as you call them and that slightly 'prickly' air you have about you some women would find intriguing and challenging or view as a sign of character not a defect, coupled with the fact you are prepared to bring your shortcomings to the table (not in one foul swoop though, softly, softly), would be a recipe for success i would hope rather than failure, it is unrealistic to expect a partner to fulfil all the criteria we would hope for. Also perhaps making a relationship an equal priority to other goals in life is also important. That's just my two pence worth anyway, you might want to give me some change back!!

 

[Edward]

(I have had relationships with Tory Christians and it's just impossible!),

Ah, politics and religion..... yes. Fundamentally, at the core there is simply an individual's values. I've known many couples who have had a different outlook on the Divine but worked just fine as they were respectful of each other's views and ultimately had the same values as people. Don't think I've ever known a long term couple who could get round radically different politics, though, as ultimately that reflected a much deeper difference in personal attitudes and values.

I was turned down myself once for being religious. Ironically, at the root of that was a blanket assumption that all religious people are closed-minded, uber-rightwing bigots; the fact of my being religious was immediately and incontrovertibly presumed to be proof of the same. Nowadays I can look back on that and laugh.

But also good hats...

That's a bit more doable.... As someone else round here said recently, I fired my hair just before it quit. I dread to think how little of it would grow back if I left it to its own devices, but I'm pretty sure I caught it just in time. Occupational hazard, really. (Seriously, you wouldn't believe how many male academic bald ten years earlier than their counterparts in other professions).

 

[MissHannah]

As you say, politics are a reflection of core values and that's why that matters. The religion thing is different because an atheist and a christian actually have opposing views on the fundamental nature of reality itself and that is trickier to overcome. Having said that I do have a few very good friends who are christians and we manage to muddle through. But a really close intimate romantic relationship is much harder.

I remembered something else essential - I cannot bear helpless men who don't know how to cook or do a load of laundry, it's a massive turn-off for so many reasons. So the ability to keep house would be preferred!

Also, I love a bit (or a lot) of grey hair (if the gentleman in question has hair).

 

[Puzzicato]

I totally get you. Actually my friend dated a man, and what bugged her was that he actually used to borrow her jeans!! She hated the fact HE was the one with the snake hips and the smallest waist in the relationship! Don't know how i would cope with that at the risk of sounding very shallow !

I would NOT cope with that!

 

[Puzzicato]

That's a bit more doable.... As someone else round here said recently, I fired my hair just before it quit. I dread to think how little of it would grow back if I left it to its own devices, but I'm pretty sure I caught it just in time. Occupational hazard, really. (Seriously, you wouldn't believe how many male academic bald ten years earlier than their counterparts in other professions).

Too many firing brain synapses burning the follicles out?

My husband has lovely thick curly soft black hair. But it now only covers a fairly small portion of his scalp!

 

[vintage68]

Question, ladies: is it considered an "Affirmative Defense" for a guy with a long list of character flaws to admit he has them and request guidance on how to either fix or work around them? (Using myself as an example, I may have a sociopathic component, but I also recognize at the end of the day the books must somehow balance and do my best to ensure they do--or if they must unbalance, they break in the other person's favor and I treat the rest as further payment on my massive Bad Karma Debt.)

I can tell you point blank you are NOT a sociopath. To a true sociopath, other people's opinions are simply not a factor in their calculations, except as obstacles or means to an end. The fact that you asked for advice to work with a so called "sociopathic component," shows that.

You might be ruthless or calculating, but that's not the same as being a sociopath, or having "tendencies" in that direction. A sociopath wouldn't even think to ask such a question because it wouldn't occur to them that they had an issue.

 

[Miss Neecerie]

Question, ladies: is it considered an "Affirmative Defense" for a guy with a long list of character flaws to admit he has them and request guidance on how to either fix or work around them? (Using myself as an example, I may have a sociopathic component, but I also recognize at the end of the day the books must somehow balance and do my best to ensure they do--or if they must unbalance, they break in the other person's favor and I treat the rest as further payment on my massive Bad Karma Debt.)

I think there is a huge difference in knowing ones character flaws and working around them and being honest when they do come up.

and


Constantly mentioning these flaws repeatedly to the stage where they would chase any sensible person away.

The former is fine, the latter not so much.

I also tend to think when a person focuses on the flaws and whats currently wrong, they stop being able to see any good in the situation, which just makes the situation worse.

If your focus is on your flaws (and based on a lot of topics where they are brought up by yourself...I tend to think it is) then you arn't being open to other things and the good stuff. Its the boy-cried-wolf syndrome....keep talking about the same thing, and no one wants to hear the real message....

 

[Puzzicato]

Constantly mentioning these flaws repeatedly to the stage where they would chase any sensible person away.

... and in fact considering them strengths, not weaknesses. As an example, I have a friend (who is pretty much ex-friend due to this) who constantly uses her "scattiness" as an excuse for bad manners. She'll deplore it in herself, but then when she is late/ doesn't turn up/ doesn't return an email for 9 months just says "Oh well, you know me".

 

[Amy Jeanne]

Although I like good hair I do also have a weakness for a receding hairline. Look at Gary Numan -- HOT in '79. Looks ridiculous now with his hair transplant. Probably would have looked better bald.

 

[Edward]

Although I like good hair I do also have a weakness for a receding hairline. Look at Gary Numan -- HOT in '79. Looks ridiculous now with his hair transplant. Probably would have looked better bald.

Sounds a bit Reg Dwight.... (whose transplant has always had the look of a toupe to me, although that may be because he spent the Seventies being so flamboyantly and obviously bald).

As you say, politics are a reflection of core values and that's why that matters. The religion thing is different because an atheist and a christian actually have opposing views on the fundamental nature of reality itself and that is trickier to overcome. Having said that I do have a few very good friends who are christians and we manage to muddle through. But a really close intimate romantic relationship is much harder.

Certainly it's going to be much harder if one party thinks the other is on the road to hell, while the latter regards the former as delusional.... Just as there's all different types of religionists, in my experience there's quite a range of atheists, from those who simply in all good conscience cannot accept the idea of the divine to those of a more, well, Dawkinsian bent. A lot will vary on where two people fall in that scale. The practicalities can also be an issue... I had a girlfriend myself many years ago who, despite claiming to be religious herself, actually became very resentful over my wanting to go to church of a Sunday morning. The infinite variety of the human species, eh?

 

[HepKitty]

It is usually the individuals who are totally in denial about their shortcomings, character flaws,whatever you want to call it, who are unsuccessful in relationships, 'know thyself and all that' to admit ones flaws like yourself and to actively seek help from the other person for the smooth running of the relationship is what would in my mind be the key to a long lasting union. We are all flawed, some more than others, cut us all and we bleed, it is communication, empathy, trust and honesty that are important factors in maintaining a healthy relationship. The fact someone wants to date you in the first place means you have qualities that would have initially attracted them, maybe even your 'sociopath tendencies', as you call them and that slightly 'prickly' air you have about you some women would find intriguing and challenging or view as a sign of character not a defect, coupled with the fact you are prepared to bring your shortcomings to the table (not in one foul swoop though, softly, softly), would be a recipe for success i would hope rather than failure, it is unrealistic to expect a partner to fulfil all the criteria we would hope for. Also perhaps making a relationship an equal priority to other goals in life is also important. That's just my two pence worth anyway, you might want to give me some change back!!

well-said. proper values are incredibly important (trust, honesty, all that) as is communication. I know that's one of my issues because i don't like to rock the boat and I'm afraid that my side won't been understood, that I'll just be thought of as crazy. also a downside to being abused, afraid to speak up, just tempted to leave the sitch w/o resolution.

and no sociopaths do not realize they have problems, they assume everyone else has the problems. they do not see their flaws at all, ever, no matter what you do to show them including leaving them. believe me, I have an ex-husband who has been hell-bent on wrecking my life ever since (as if he didn't do enough damage before the split). it's been almost 7 years now and he won't quit. that, ladies and gentlemen, is a sociopath