In Need of Some Positive Societal Reinforcement...

[Feraud]

I love being an individual and I'm not going to change myself, but at the same time societal rejection, especially by one's peers, is rather a difficult pill to swallow.

If you are going to conduct yourself as an anachronism ( I don't use the term in a bad way) it helps to develop a thick skin and a sense of humor.

 

[LizzieMaine]

If you are going to conduct yourself as an anachronism ( I don't use the term in a bad way) it helps to develop a thick skin and a sense of humor.

That's what worked for me -- kids were as obnoxious in the 70s as they are today, and I didn't even have the refuge of a subculture, because there were no such things in my town. But when I reached the point where I simply stopped caring what other people thought or said about me, it all fell into place. I realized that I wasn't a part of their culture, and they weren't a part of mine, and that wasn't ever going to change, so why worry about it?

 

[Stray Cat]

I realized that I wasn't a part of their culture, and they weren't a part of mine, and that wasn't ever going to change, so why worry about it?

I second that!

 

[LittleMissToniJo]

If you are going to conduct yourself as an anachronism ( I don't use the term in a bad way) it helps to develop a thick skin and a sense of humor.

This is my new favorite quote! Words to live by!

 

[Gracie Lee]

Though I'm long past my teen years, I found it helped to look at it like this: most teens are just larval humans. Some day, they'll either be a butterfly, or a cockroach. A few will remain maggots for their entire lives. Really, all you can do is avoid ruining your (fabulous vintage inspired) shoes by stepping in them, and hope that some day they'll be a butterfly. But the next time someone insults you, imagine them as a giant walking grub, and it should make it easier to laugh it off

 

[AmateisGal]

I suppose I should add that I've always been rather intimidated by people my own age.

Oddly enough, I still feel this way. I would much rather be with a group of women my grandmother's age (80s) than a group of gals my own age.

I recently interviewed a lady who worked in Washington D.C. during the war. While we reminisced about the good looks of Clark Gable and Frank Sinatra and discussed the jitterbug (she won a jitterbug dance in D.C.), I said to her, "I get along better with your generation than my own." She said, "That's because you understand us."

And it's true. I understand their generation so much more than my own. Don't get me wrong - I *do* have friends that are my age (mid-30s), but I have so much more in common with those of the Greatest Generation.

 

[sheeplady]

I never gotten along that well with people my age when I was a teen, I did better with people who are older and younger than me. (I do have a few close friends my age, but I tend to gravitate towards those who are a bit older or a bit younger).

Once you get out of high school where you only are exposed to people your age, it gets better, because you can hang out with whomever you want. People stop saying things like "Oh, you're 16, that means you'll like so and so because they're 16." I've never had someone say to me "Oh, you're 30, you'll like so and so because they're 30."

And I do think one of the best advantages of getting a bit older is also that you care less what others think. Or at least that was one of the benefits for me.

 

[Lauren]

I found it difficult, but recently a girl who terrified me at school as she was 'the pretty, cool one' said on Facebook 'oh you were so cool...you dressed so great we were intimidated by you!'
I did a silent 'yay'.
Chin up,
K

This is so true! A lot of my good friends and I started out our friendships as shy and afraid to talk to each other, but when we learned each of us was eager for a friendship it just blossomed It is like a big sigh of relief.

Don't forget that a lot of people out there are interested in vintage but don't dress that way. A lot don't even know that there is a subculture out there devoted to it (I know I didn't for a long time!) Just go in with an open mind and treat others as you'd like to be treated. Even if they don't reciprocate at least you tried!

Sometimes it's really scary talking to new people, or even people who are noticeably interested in the same things you are. It takes me a long time to work up the nerve to talk to people. lol But a smile goes a long way, and maybe there's a future friend hidden in the group who's shy and just needs to work up the nerve to come and talk to you, too.

 

[LolitaHaze]

Hey_Laaaaaady! Perhaps you should be more open to them. You're feeling forced to interact because you are afraid of being judged. Yet, you are already judging them because they are different to you. So you don't have anything in common. Here's a chance to learn about people who have other interests, learn about those interests and share your own interests. People are probably rejecting you because you are already coming off distant and defensive. You said you knew from the start they are "typical teenagers". Did you know that based just on their looks? It's a shame to dismiss someone that you can share your love of vintage with. Sure they might not get it or like it, but confidence in it will have them liking you no matter what. And if they don't oh well... but you can't get mad at them for dismissing you right away when you did the exact same thing to them.

 

[Feraud]

^ Very well said L-Haze.

 

[John in Covina]

Some of us crave positive re-enforcement and the negative seems to be very hurtful. The thing to realize is that most people that are going to be negative have little or no knowledge of history or fashion or style and that makes their opinion not one of any expertise but coming from a lack of knowledge as to what you may be pursuing.

Imagine you are an expert working on rebuilding an vintage car engine and someone came up with chiding remarks about the job you are doing. If you knew that they had no engine rebuilding experience how highly would you value their opinion? Probably not very highly at all.

Chances are you know a lot more about the style you are trying to emulate then 99% or all of the people that would make a comment. How high should you value their opinion?

It helps to have some what thicker skin, it helps to have some sort of conviction in what you are doing, and it helps to have others that have similar likes give you positive reinforcement.

Also, a hundred years from now what will it matter what some know nothings said?

Best wishes.

Also similar threads come up in the hats, various clothes and observation bar sections.

 

[Bluebird Marsha]

...Also, a hundred years from now what will it matter what some know nothings said?...

I've found that this attitude applies to so many things.If you like to go jumping in rain puddles, do it. If you like to dress nice/different/bizarre, do it. Afraid to let some guy know you're interested in him, let him know. Want to blast Gene Krupa out your car stereo, blast away. Unless there are some really fabulous medical developments, in a hundred years we and just about everyone else currently sharing the planet with us will be dead. Dead as a dead parrot. And unless we do something truly wonderful, or absolutely heinous, it's doubtful we'll make the history books.

Never waste valuable time being concerned about the opinions of people you don't like or respect.

 

[Odalisque]

Brugh- teenages can be awful little buggers sometimes!
But- remember that just like there those ones who will pick you out and rail on you, there are also those who will pick you up and stand by you.

I was a definite social outcast in high school but I barely noticed. I found a group of people who were also "uncool" and didn't mind that I liked The Cure, never drank or would often wear skirts over jeans with military boots. (oh god- I used to think that looked so awesome :eusa_doh
Point being pack behavior doesn't always have to work against you- you just need to find those likeminded kids and make a little pack of your own.

 

[Lady Day]

Sorry I don't know exactly where to put this...... because of circumstances in my life I know I've matured a lot faster than most, so we really, really don't have anything in common!). So I'm just struggling with this situation and this feeling in particular, I love being an individual and I'm not going to change myself, but at the same time societal rejection, especially by one's peers, is rather a difficult pill to swallow.

Being your own person can be very isolating. By definition being an individual means solitude. I have lost may acquaintances (I can't call them friends because I don't throw that word around lightly) because of simple misunderstandings that the other party feels no need to address. What's the best way to handle it? Staying honest to yourself and lots of effort applied at attracting people you want to add quality to your life.

I don't buy into that 'if you send out good vibes it will come'. You have to work for what you want, never for what you don't want. Its a constant battle, but the rewards can be life changing. If you are content with yourself and the choices you have made, then you are already ahead of the game.

As a teen I never had a 'click'. I was acquaintances with the goths, the jocks, the art kids, the science kids, the black kids, the freshmen, etc. I didn't fit into any one group because I had interests in many groups. It made finding a core group of friends very hard.

You may never have a huge group of friends. For some people that does not suit them. For me the mob isn't my cup of tea. I'd rather get to know a core group of people and have them around me for life, than just meet up with folks once and a while and have to watch what I say so as not to have them get all cranky.

LD

 

[Funny Face]

I'm young myself, and I yearn to know some people like you. So just know that we're out here. As many have said, it isn't really important what people like that think of you. To quote Dr. Seuss, "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." I'm not popular by any means, but I've found that a few close friends are really all I need.

 

[John in Covina]

One of the things you can do is look at the events section regularly. With a little luck you may see an event that is nearby that you can go to that may allow you to meet like minded people. You can also consider posting a nearby event that you found out about that may encourage others to attend and again possibly meet some local like minded people.

 

[FraeuleinBerlin]

Hi hun,

I'm twenty, so not long out of school and still at university. I do understand your problem - I've never fitted in, partly because of dress, partly my interests, partly because I always got the best marks in the school (poor me, I know - but you wouldn't believe how mean people can be about that sort of thing!). I know exactly how you feel and how horrible it is going to meet people and knowing they will probably not like you. I suffered with low self-esteem for a long time.

HOWEVER: I started to feel a lot better about myself and would say I am absolutely fine now. And I haven't changed myself at all. It's a difficult process, but I found that one of the things that really helped me was not to "judge" (for want of a better word) other people. After all, think about who your friends are now - I'd be surprised if all of them have the same tastes as you, but you still get on with them! Most people are awfully "modern", but that doesn't mean you're incompatible - just that you'll look more stylish in photos next to them!

Unfortunately, a lot of people are nasty to people they feel threatened by, which includes well-dressed, mature people (yourself!), but if you try and act as you would with anyone else and not feel as if you have to defend yourself (I know it's difficult) or make extra efforts to impress anyone, I think you'll find that a lot of them quickly relax and show you who they really are - which is often more than a fancy phone and a trendy haircut. Of course some people will still be idiots, but try to remember who is the better person (and that's you!)!

I hope this helps, and that I haven't repeated too much of what everyone else has said - I skipped straight to reply, as I've been in this situation and wanted to tell you what helped me straight away!

Love,

Cherry Berlin

p.s. Do P.M me if you want to chat more!

 

[LizzieMaine]

Never waste valuable time being concerned about the opinions of people you don't like or respect.

That's the single best piece of advice to be given in this thread. Life's too short to be wasted worrying about the opinions of jackasses.

 

[Hey_Laaaaaady!]

That's the single best piece of advice to be given in this thread. Life's too short to be wasted worrying about the opinions of jackasses.

I think this entire thread is a treasure trove of wonderful advice and quotables! Thanks, everyone.

 

[rotebander]

Oh, gosh, I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, teenagers are jerks (I even say that at age 16). Even my grandmother (graduating class of 1955) has stories, so things never change! I myself have never fit in, either. I mean, I don't text at all, don't wear jeans unless they're cuffed and I don't want to gussy up, don't use modern slang (which gets me an astonishing amount of flak from my peers), all that jazz. . And there's having to repeat every five minutes "There's nothing going on today, I always dress like this!" Seriously, I think I may get a sign if I get asked again. Funny thing is, I've had a lot more people just ask questions than anything, though dirty looks come with the territory

The girl sitting in front of me last year is a good example-- she's the poster child for being a typical teenager of 2011. She's even a cheerleader! But when we got to talking, she asked everything from "Where did you get those shoes" (answer: Dillard's) to "Do you curl your hair every night?" (answer: yes) to "How do you get your jacket to stay on like that" when I don't put my arms in the sleeves (answer: linebacker shoulders and practice) completely seriously, no sarcasm involved. In return, she explained popular music to me. So stay open, you may learn something!

Oy, I just wrote a book!!