I hate monkeys.

[MudInYerEye]

Everybody thinks they are so friendly and cuddly and cute but my from vast experience as a Bronx Zoo ticket purchaser all I've witnessed is incessant chatter, feces-hurling, and lewd gestures. People, what is with all this monkey love?!!

 

[Technonut]

 

[Technonut]

Why I Hate Monkeys.................... Posted by Dana on March 2, 2005


I swear I'm not making this up.
When I was a little girl, we lived down the road from an old couple who owned a big beautiful farmhouse. They were kind-of pillars in our little community, they knew everyone and did favors for people all the time. They babysat me during summer afternoons while my mom worked. A family they knew sold and kept exotic animals, mainly chimpanzees, and dressed the chimps up, had seperate bedrooms for them, included them in their family pictures, CRAZY stuff. They were going on vacation and needed a sitter to watch one of the chimps for one week. The old couple offered, and I was estatic, I was going to have a monkey to play with for a week.

That Sunday night I helped my mom pack myself snacks and I even packed a little bag of snacks for the monkey, thinking that we could all be friends and play hopscotch, eat ice cream I mean they're ALMOST human and I was five. So that morning I waited on the porch in my favorite plaid romper and new tennis shoes with mom for the old woman to walk down and pick me up. I saw them coming down the hill; she was holding his hand, he was dressed in overalls with a red shirt underneath and a red ballcap on his head. I ran down to meet them, waved goodbye to Mom, and grabbed the monkey's hand. We started uphill when ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. That monkey was an a**hole. He shoved me so hard that I fell over backwards and rolled down the little hill on the side of the road into a little ravine. My plaid jumper had mud ALL over it and my new shoes were filthy. The old woman laughed and slapped the monkey's hand.

"No-no!" she yelled.

The rest of the day was just as horrible; the monkey took the plastic baggie of snacks, opened them and threw them all over the house; he kept grabbing my long pigtails and tried to PULL THEM OUT; when we ate lunch he threw his food at me; when the old woman went to change his diaper he THREW HIS CRAP AT ME AND CAME RUNNING AT ME WITH IT SMEARED ON HIS HANDS; and every morning when they walked down to pick me up he would try to chase me up the hill screeching at the top of his lungs. He also did odd things with his bathroom parts which he would get into big trouble for. He would look at me and grin a big monkey grin while he did it too. It makes me want to vomit.
Once, he climbed on top of the dining room table while I was coloring and I shoved him off and got in trouble.

"You can't push him," said the old woman. I think the monkey's name was Charlie.

"But he pushes and pinches me," I told her, rubbing my bicep where only minutes earlier he tried to pinch an inch off.

"Well, he's a monkey, he doesn't know any better," she replied. I looked into his little monkey eyes. There were full of pure evil.

"But I'm five!" I wailed.

I was so happy when that monkey left. I didn't have to worry about him pulling handfuls of my hair out, or trying to wipe questionable fluids on me. I'll never forget that gawd-awful monkey smell, or the way he screeched with delight when he would pinch me. He was strong, too. I think the old woman was glad when he left. I saw her pulling her good china out of the top of a closet one afternoon and putting back into the glass cupboard.
I've never since thought of monkeys as cute little animals. They freak me out.

A couple months ago I was giving away a baby carrier we never used on Freecycle. One of the women who e-mailed me about it asked me to please consider her because she really needed it for her monkey. She attatched a picture. I deleted it straight away.

Now you know why I hate monkeys.

 

[TommySalieri]

Why do I get the feeling that Mr. Jones' childhood friend, "Chimpy" will eventually come into this discussion?

 

[Amy Jeanne]

I LOVE all animals.........


..........but I can't stand monkeys! They freak me out and I don't think they're cute for the very reasons you mentioned.

My husband wants one as a pet

 

[Hemingway Jones]

In Belize...

...Daisy and I saw Howler Monkeys in the trees all around us. We were in Lamanai at the Mayan ruins just off The New River.

It was a wonderful and beautiful experience. We were, of course, viewing them from a very comfortable distance.

Here is a photo:

 

[Absinthe_1900]

I looked into his little monkey eyes. There were full of pure evil.

 

[Les Gillis]

Monkeys should be behind bars or in a jungle...

They don't make good pets. My Aunt and cousins had one when I was in grade school. It attacked my Aunt and bit her so bad she needed surgery. I was later told it damaged her Achilles tendon. The one time I saw it I remembered it as being pretty nasty.

 

[jake_fink]

Everybody thinks they are so friendly and cuddly and cute but my from vast experience as a Bronx Zoo ticket purchaser all I've witnessed is incessant chatter, feces-hurling, and lewd gestures. People, what is with all this monkey love?!!

You have just listed my reasons for hating people.



edit: Okay, I don't see much feces-hurling, but still, in all, people = feh.

 

[BellyTank]

Yes- they really can be quite obnoxious.

B
T

 

[TaxMan1]

Opps. Sorry. Thought this was a thread about expensive teas.[huh]

 

[Story]

Damned dirty apes

Odd timing, as I just picked up a first edition of Emily Hahn's CHINA TO ME.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emily_Hahn

Her years in Shanghai, China (from 1935 to the Japanese invasion of Hong Kong in 1941) were the most tumultuous of her life. There she became involved with prominent Shanghai figures, such as the wealthy Sir Victor Sassoon, and was in the habit of taking her pet gibbon, Mr. Mills, with her to dinner parties, dressed in a diaper and a minute dinner jacket.

 

[Technonut]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKKKCzmNFRc&mode=related&search= (Make sure your sound is on)


lol lol

 

[HadleyH]

Shame on everybody who doesn't love monkeys [bad]

Monkeys are beautiful and sweet and darling and the have good brains too

If I had a chimp, I'd call her Clementine if girl, Christopher Colombus if boy.

But I love dogs best.

 

[Brooksie]

I love all animals and I think monkeys are quite smart (however, this does not mean I particularily like them) but they need to be in there own ellement - (habitat). I do not think they should be behind bars or in zoo's or as pet's. They should just be left to live in the wilds.

I also had a horrible experience with a monkey, when I was about 3 years old, there was a general store out by where I lived, one afternoon I was in there shopping with my mom and dad. The store owners had a little pet monkey in a cage. I used to wear my hair in two long braids (my hair grew very fast then so by the time I was 3 my braids were about down to my elbow's) - I am sure you can see where this story is headed... I walked by the monkey's cage and he reached out with his little hand and grabbed one of my braids, he pulled so hard I thought he was going to rip my hair out by the roots. My dad came along and said you let go of her you...G-- D-- monkey! I can't say what he said because it will be deleted. He started whacking on the monkeys wrist with his hand while yelling at it, till finally the monkey let go. So, I will have to say I am none to fond of these creatures myself!

LB

 

[HadleyH]

Brooksie, sorry to hear about your bad experience with the chimp.

 

[CharlieH.]

I lost my panama to a large ape once.... though not that kind of ape.

 

[HadleyH]

I lost my panama to a large ape once.... though not that kind of ape.

lol lol lol lol

 

[BegintheBeguine]

Not much, but some

You have just listed my reasons for hating people.



edit: Okay, I don't see much feces-hurling, but still, in all, people = feh.

My sentiments exactly.

 

[MudInYerEye]

Who else out there has been force to endure pain and suffering at the hands of our impish ancestors?
Maybe they are just jealous of us. Who could blame them really? We are clearly superior in nearly every regard, hair coverage being a glaring exception.