House husbands

[GHT]

Wiki describes house husbands thus:

A stay-at-home dad (alternatively, stay at home father, house dad, SAHD, househusband, or house-spouse) is a father who is the main caregiver of the children and is the homemaker of the household. As families have evolved, the practice of being a stay-at-home dad has become more common.

In colonial American families, the family worked together as a unit and was self-sufficient.[1] Beginning with the Industrial Revolution, large-scale production replaced home manufacturing; this shift, coupled with prevailing norms governing sex or gender roles, dictated that the father become the breadwinner and the mother the caregiver.[2] When affection-based marriages emerged in the 1830s, parents began devoting more attention to children and family relationships became more open.[3] Beginning during World War II, many women entering the workforce out of necessity; women reassumed the caregiver position after the war, but their new-found sense of independence changed the traditional family structure together with cultural shifts leading to the feminist movement and advances in birth control. Some women opted to return to the care giver role. Others chose to pursue careers. When women chose to work outside of the home, alternative childcare became a necessity. If childcare options were too costly, unavailable, or undesirable, the stay-at-home dad became a viable option.

The number of stay-at-home dads began gradually increasing in the late 20th century, especially in developed Western nations. Though the role is subject to many stereotypes, and men may have difficulties accessing parenting benefits, communities, and services targeted at mothers, it became more socially acceptable by the 2000s.[4] The stay-at-home dad was more regularly portrayed in the media by the 2000s, especially in the United States. However, in some regions of the world the stay-at-home dad remains culturally unacceptable.

One of my all time favourite heros is actually a heroine. She is a war time character that came to prominance in the US, but quickly spread thoughout the world. Her name was Rosie the Riveter. An iconic figure, who represented all the women who filled the jobs that men left vacant when they signed up for the military.
Rosie wasn't just a riveter. She drove the trams and buses that got her sisters to work on time. She worked in factories, she flew Spitfires, she plotted enemy planes, she did just about anything and everything that men did. But she did it at a time of great need, so her efforts were, well sometimes questioned, but for the greater good, it was deemed acceptable. Deemed that is, by a condescending, male dominant, higher archy. Come peace time, Rosie was quickly laid to rest.

From a time when WW2 ended to the rise of feminism, that is 1945 to 1965, women were expected to: "Know Their Place!"
And that place was in the home. I don't mean barefoot and pregnant, tied to the kitchen sink. But women were considered to be the centre of a family. she it was that carried the unborn for nine months, before delivering a new born into the family, and from there, to look after the child and it's needs until such a time when said child could make it's own way in the world.
But in defence of men, of which, I am such a species, women were treated as the fairer sex. Men should always give up a seat to a lady, should always doff his hat to her, should always treat her with respect and deference.

My father was a house husband. His story may illicit sympathy, I hope not. But when you hear his tale you will probably understand. His wife, my mother, died very suddenly, aged just 33, leaving him with four babies under the age of ten, to raise on his own. He enlisted the help of family, until the youngest, 18 months at the death of mother, was five years old, and school age.
From then on we were all reunited as a family and had to take the cards that life had dealt us, and get on with it. And get on with it is just what we did, because our Dad instilled in us that life can be tough, but you won't survive it if you blame others for the knocks that you get from time to time.

That upbringing gave me a sense of fairness, and that fairness taught me that when society depicts a certain adage, as in women are the fairer sex. Or, "that's not a woman's work." Why should that be automatically believed.
Such precedents have contributed to to marginalisation of those, whose sexual orientation, for example, are not of the accepted mainstream, which is why I have always had a certain sympathy for those whom society regard as "queer."
And it's not just sexual orientation who buck the mainstream trend. There are those for whom the term: House-husband was invented. The guys who get much pleasure from watching their children grow, for being there when their, high profile, intellectual wife returns from the boardroom/courtroom or business meeting, to the bosom of her family.

Where would you suggst that the house-husband of the 21st century sits? Is he a wimp, Is he just lazy, or found himself a meal ticket. Or is it just like Rosie of yesteryear, but only now, the role models are completely reversed.
Comments!

 

[Baron Kurtz]

Gender stereotypes with all their prescriptions and proscriptions should be consigned to the waste basket.

Each household comes to their own arrangement for the good of those living in that household. Anything outside that is irrelevant.

There was a great article in The Atlantic recently regarding the roles assumed in various gay and straight partnerships and an in-depth analysis of the relative equality/fairness of the division of labour, and the discussions of such divisions, in gay male, gay female and straight couples. Really interesting read.

 

[V.C. Brunswick]

One of my all time favourite heros is actually a heroine. She is a war time character that came to prominance in the US, but quickly spread thoughout the world. Her name was Rosie the Riveter. An iconic figure, who represented all the women who filled the jobs that men left vacant when they signed up for the military.
Rosie wasn't just a riveter. She drove the trams and buses that got her sisters to work on time. She worked in factories, she flew Spitfires, she plotted enemy planes, she did just about anything and everything that men did. But she did it at a time of great need, so her efforts were, well sometimes questioned, but for the greater good, it was deemed acceptable. Deemed that is, by a condescending, male dominant, higher archy. Come peace time, Rosie was quickly laid to rest.

[video=youtube;Of0L3VktjTI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Of0L3VktjTI[/video]

 

[Lotsahats]

I think I recall that article, BK; wasn't the upshot that tasks fell more in line with ability in same-sex couples rather than along breadwinner lines?

A

 

[LizzieMaine]

It's often been said that working class women didn't care about feminism -- because they already knew they had the power in the family, and this is the truth. No woman in my family was in any way treated as "the fairer sex." They worked just as hard as the men did -- some in the house, others in factories, and in the case of my aunt, on the waterfront docks. But beyond that, women drove the decision-making process in the home far more than the men did -- the man may have brought home the paycheck, but when he walked in the door he handed it to his wife, and she had the greater say in the decisions on how it would be spent. The "lady of the house" bit was a middle-class suburban thing, and that was, even in the postwar era, only a small part of the bigger picture.

As far as househusbands go today, I don't care one way or another, as long as the bills get paid.

 

[sheeplady]

Where would you suggst that the house-husband of the 21st century sits? Is he a wimp, Is he just lazy, or found himself a meal ticket. Or is it just like Rosie of yesteryear, but only now, the role models are completely reversed.
Comments!

I think everybody needs to do what's right for their family. I've known a few stay at home dad's and they certainly aren't wimps to put up with people's comments and digs. It's both a luxury and a sacrifice to have a person stay at home.

Originally we planned for my husband to work part time once we had children and I would work full time. Then I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and we decided I would stay at home to maximize my time with my daughter.

 

[Gregg Axley]

My wife wants to be a stay home wife.
But I want to be a stay home husband.
Unfortunately neither of us make enough to support the other separately, so we work.
Oh well, I've found Friday nights the best time to clean the house, since the wife works late.
The house is clean for the next week, clothes are washed, and I can do my outside work Sat or Sun.

 

[Two Types]

I spent a year at home when my son was young. It certainly wasn't easy. My day's were filled with stuff and it certainly didn't leave my wih plenty of time to sit around. My wife couldn't understand why I didn't have time for some of the jobs I had planned to do. I explained to her the time taking kids to school: walk to school with my daughter for 8:30, then home again. At midday i left again to take my son to his school, then collected him three hours later. Throw in cooking, cleaning, ironing etc and it didn't leave time for much else.

 

[O2BSwank]

When my children were born my wife returned to part time work after a couple of months. I had my son and took complete care of him until my wife came home and relieved me to go work my full time swing shift job. Although initially I really didn't want to take care the baby after a very short time I became very good at it and began to enjoy it. Five years later I was balancing taking my son to Kindergarten and care of my infant daughter. I will say that this has made me very close to my children and very understanding of what the average mother and homemaker goes through. And yes I did all the house cleaning cooking and laundry. It was a great opportunity and helped my wife and I lead a balanced life.

 

[Virginia Creeper]

My husband has done both extremes. At one end, he was freelancing and caring for our children while I worked outside the home. We're currently at the other end, wherein he works over 50 hours a week (plus a long commute) and I freelance as I can. Frankly, he was a better houseparent than I am.

He never internalized much in the way of rigid gender expectations. His grandmother died when his father was quite young, leaving her bereaved husband with four young sons. His grandfather raised the boys on his own and taught them how to run a house -- skills his father passed on to him.

 

[sheeplady]

And a random thought...fellows, please consider: if you and your wife are about the same age, it's statistically likely she'll be a widow for 5-15 years after you're gone. You'd better teach her everything she needs to know about life on her own including financial/legal matters, house/car maintenance, dealing with tradesmen and so on.

I've seen first hand the troubles middle-class wives 'who left everything to him' encounter when hubby dies and she, panic-y, lacks practical wisdom. Don't leave her frightened and ignorant.

I think this is less a role for a husband and more a role for a parent... nobody should turn 18 without knowing how to do that stuff.

Although, it is a really good idea for anyone in a relationship to:
1. Keep a credit card with their name as primary- this is important if there is a divorce or death, as it maintains a credit history and access to a line of credit. This becomes critical if there is a divorce or death and the remaining partner hasn't worked in a while.
2. Keep aware of any bills and assets, including their values and current status. Critical for thousands of reasons.

Those things don't matter on the working status of either partner.

 

[Stanley Doble]

Up until the 50s there was a wide spread idea that if a wife worked it was because her husband was a bum who could not support his family. I know this was the case at home. Ironically, my grandmother had to go to work because her husband was crippled by miner's consumption (silicosis). This did not alter my father's condemnation of wives who went out to work.

It is only fair to point out that in those days you could live on one person's earnings. Because you were not expected to put up a front or buy out the stores.

Our family of 5 lived in a 3 bedroom 1 bath 1200 square foot house built some time in the late 1800s. We had a used Ford, a black and white TV and wore hand me down clothes. This is how everybody lived that we knew.

Except one family that had the 3 bed 2 bath split level, brand new, the new Pontiac in the driveway, color TV, new appliances etc. This was the first family I knew in which the wife worked full time, not out of necessity but to buy fancier stuff.

 

[Stanley Doble]

In WW1 and WW2 the women marched into the factories and bus garages and as soon as the war was over, marched right back out again. Nobody forced them to go to work and nobody forced them to stop. It was the spirit of the times.

In the 30s there was a campaign to stop wives working on the grounds that they were taking jobs needed by men to feed their families.

It was only in the 60s or 70s that it became the fashionable thing to do, although many wives had been working for years by that time.

 

[sheeplady]

INobody forced them to go to work and nobody forced them to stop. It was the spirit of the times.

This was the first family I knew in which the wife worked full time, not out of necessity but to buy fancier stuff.

This is a pretty middle class viewpoint. The vast majority of people in the 30s and 40s were working class and many of those women worked.

A lot of women "worked" in the businesses that their husband's did or owned, even if they were middle class. They weren't officially considered "employees" but the businesses would have fallen apart without their help. Take for example farmers and "small" business owners whose wives did the bookkeeping, cleaning, organizing, etc.

 

[Baron Kurtz]

I think that all of the women in my family have worked, going back to the 1850s. And all the men, too. It's just how it was (and is) for working class (read: dirt poor) Scottish people. I think my grandmother stopped working after WWII having been crippled by some drunk-driving a**hole GI in a jeep.

 

[LizzieMaine]

This is a pretty middle class viewpoint. The vast majority of people in the 30s and 40s were working class and many of those women worked.

A lot of women "worked" in the businesses that their husband's did or owned, even if they were middle class. They weren't officially considered "employees" but the businesses would have fallen apart without their help. Take for example farmers and "small" business owners whose wives did the bookkeeping, cleaning, organizing, etc.

This was so common among the working-class businesses of the Era -- the gas stations, neighborhood groceries, diners and lunchrooms, and other such small enterprises -- that it should be considered the rule rather than the exception. This was even true in some middle-class settings -- many small-town doctors or lawyers used their wives as bookkeepers or office managers. Whatever the type of enterprise, the wife was looked at as a partner in the operation, and her role was essential to its success.

This was certainly the case in our family. My grandmother never punched a clock again after her marriage, but she spent nearly forty years as the bookkeeper/business manager for the family gas station, even long past the time where she should have stopped. She trained me to do a lot of the routine work in her last years, but refused to completely retire. When she was on her deathbed, her ledgers were right there beside her. Without her work, the business wouldn't have existed.

 

[1961MJS]

Hi

Dad's Mom worked as an telephone operator. Mom's Mom worked for my Granddaddy in the Judge's office (Granddaddy was a county judge). Granny was also secretary of the church cemetery and made sure everyone got planted in the right place. She may have done that for as much as 30-50 years. My Mother taught high school until I was born, then she went back to work when I was 4. My baby sitter was about 50 yards from the house and 50 yards from the school.

Most businessman's wives worked at the business in some fashion. My next door neighbor was always taking electric motors to get fixed etc.

later

 

[GHT]

His grandmother died when his father was quite young, leaving her bereaved husband with four young sons. His grandfather raised the boys on his own and taught them how to run a house -- skills his father passed on to him.

That mirrors, almost exactly, my own experience. As a small child, growing up with my even smaller siblings, we all learned very quickly to do a lot of things for ourselves. Every week I would take the laundry to the Laundromat, I understood how to separate the clothing, what was and was not, colour fast. All those small details I just picked up as I went along. The washing done, two small sisters ironed it and put it away. We learned to clean and keep house, at night our shoes were polished ready for school, the breakfast table was pre-prepared. All the myriad of small details that keep the smooth running of a house essential, we learned, and learned quickly.
Dad had his time cut out, he worked, he cooked and he tried to keep the garden tidy, an activity that we all chipped in with. The enormous pressure on Dad did damage his health, but he, and we, all survived. Dad passed away just a few years ago, a couple of weeks short of his 92nd birthday. His children all learned a sense of indepenence. Sometimes, when I read of a survey, of say, the effects of divorce. There are guys who fall to pieces, and not just over the emotional turmoil, but the fact that they have to learn how to be domestic. They have no idea, can't even iron a shirt. Those life skills I learned as a child didn't even seem like lessons. As I said previously, if you didn't do it yourself, it didn't get done.

 

[Turnip]

One clear advantage of the mandatory military service we had in place here until mid 1990s has been that many spoilt brats learned for the first time in their life and quite intensively there how to keep order, ironing, repairing, storing… clothes, keeping their footwear in sufficient condition, cleaning rooms and interior including restrooms and kitchens and how not to mess these up before…

 

[VansonRider]

You can say the same thing about Home Ec classes. I took Home Ec in the 90’s and learned to sew, iron, cook a thing or too, balance a checkbook, and a few other things.
And I’m sure every generation has their fair share of spoiled brats, it’s not just “oh those kids today”. Grimm’s fairytales certainly deals with at LEAST one or two