Graveside Service Etiquitte

[David V]

I know that I uncover as a funeral procession passes by as a display of respect to the departed & the family in mourning, so I figure I'd uncover if I was at the graveside service as well.

I follow the same line of thinking.

Remember that the first rule of etiquette is to show your respect for another.

 

[rrog]

I'm trying to research this subject and would like to share my findings with the lounge. So in this post, I"ll list some of the answers I find:

1. Local Funeral Home Policy - Local Funeral Home Policy - The Director of Services at one local funeral home qualified their position by saying they don't have anything in writing, but that their funeral attendants keep their hats on during the whole graveside service except for the prayer. They take it off during the prayer. It was compared to an overcoat, used for protection in inclement weather. Their observation has also been that the majority of those who have worn hats at their funerals have followed this protocol. (For verification purposes, I'd be glad to list the funeral home, but I won't until I'm asked and a mod gives permission. I don't want it to seem like I'm promoting a business.)
2. American Legion - Their policy is to remove the hat and place it over the heart during the whole graveside service. Found here: http://www.hampton.lib.nh.us/hampton/history/military/legionpost35/cap_etiquette.htm
3. When dressed in civilian attire, military personnel are to remove their hats in lieu of saluting. The times for saluting are given here: http://dying.lovetoknow.com/Military_Funeral_Etiquette
4. There is a web site that talks about wearing hats in church in general, with mere references to wearing hats to/at a funeral. I'm not real sure exactly what they're espousing, but it seems they are saying that one, it's cultural and therefore subjective and two, the topic of wearing hats in church services begins in 1 Corinthians 11. I'm not sure I agree with the application resulting from this discussion (i.e. reference to skate boarders). I feel I should add a disclaimer that this is just their own discussion about wearing hats, much like we're discussing the issue here. I'm merely adding it here as an FYI kind of thing. The discussion can be found here: http://www.mail-archive.com/crosspointe-discuss@googlegroups.com/msg00089.html
5. This link takes you to the American Red Cross Manual of Disaster Services. It give a brief description of serices for many different denominations. A quick glance through the Baptist section shows no mention of hat etiquette. However, I did find mention of hats in other sections. The only mention of hats I found just said that hats should be removed during prayers. You may find other references. Here's the link: http://www.ofdamrt.org/downloads/ARC_berevement_practices.pdf

Hopefully, there will be more to come...

rrog

 

[J.T.Marcus]

When I am conducting a graveside service, I remove my hat before beginning. I hand it to my wife or to a funeral director. After the benediction and the extending of condolences to the family, I put it back on. The Christian tradition (handed down from St. Paul) is that one does not pray or prophesy (preach) with the head covered.

For those attending the service, the hat should be removed for all prayers but may be worn for the rest of the service, if the wearer is standing. If seated, the hat should be removed while seated and for the remainder of the service. (At least that's the way I remember it from Naval Science classes in the 1960's, and from observing what men did when most wore hats to a graveside.)

Of course, as someone noted above, no one will be offended if you remove your hat for the entire service (even if you don't have to).

 

[deanglen]

In every graveside I've performed, I've followed a protocol similar to J.T.'s guidelines stated above. Color and style of hat, or cap, is not an issue, but I lean toward a grey fedora or tweed eight-panel cap.






dean

 

[PabloElFlamenco]

Well. I don't know anything at all about American etiquette (which shouldn't be very different from any other "western" rules of behavior), and neither do I know anything about ...Belgian... etiquette. Recently, I had the most regrettable duty (as well as privilege) to be invited and present at a (Catholic) religious service for a young man's accidental passing. The question of attire and hat arose. I opted for the most conservative suit I have, dark blue, and to leave my hat at home. Instinctively (however that might be wrong, granted) I knew I'd leave the hat off my head all the time anyway, so why bother having to hold on to one? Somehow I felt that the "ego" of wearing at hat at such occasion would be misplaced. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel comforable with my decision.
Very recently, walking on the sidewalk, I passed a mourning family awaiting entry into church. I passed them hat in hand. It comes natural to me.
(hi to all of you)
Paul

 

[Blackthorn]

This has been one of the most interesting threads I have seen on FL.

 

[tonyb]

... Somehow I felt that the "ego" of wearing at hat at such occasion would be misplaced. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel comforable with my decision.

Yup, that's it. If the hat leaves the impression that the person under it might be inordinately concerned with his own appearance (as it may, in this relatively hatless age), it's safest to go without it.

Normally, I don't worry myself over what others think of my hat (after all, I know I'm not a fop), but a funeral calls for greater deference.

 

[Barrelhouse]

I have to second Blackthorn's sentiments. I would especially like to thank Rrog again for starting this thread and collecting the policies from his local funeral directors and also the other gentlemen of the cloth who succinctly and eloquently presented their traditions. Thank you all and here's hoping that this point of etiquette is one we will have need of infrequently.

 

[galopede]

Last two funerals I've attended I've worn my morris kit! White shirt, no tie, black britches, white knee length socks , brown leather waistcoat, bowler hat and bells and ribbons!

Mind you, they were both morris dancer's funerals.

 

[Mid-fogey]

Plenty of...

...sound advice here.

Generally, hat etiquitte for civilians is governed by showing respect, vice military hat etiquitte, which is is rule based, functional, and simplified for mass induction of young people.

If you are ever unsure or in doubt, take it off.

 

[rrog]

Okay, I'm finished posting links that might give insight to this topic. None are really definitive. Generally speaking, I think J.T. Marcus has a pretty good grasp of hat etiquette during graveside services. I know that I wouldn't be offended whether someone did or did not remove their hat at one of my family members' graveside services. BTW, I did read Emily Post's eBook about etiquette and could not find any specific mention about this topic. Others are welcome to take up the search where I left off.

Thanks for your input,
rrog

 

[Classified00]

This is definately one of most thought provoking threads that I've read here. Great job with this!

It does lead me, as someone who came to hat wearing later in life, to ask a fundamental question though. Why is wearing a hat considered a sign of disrespect in this situation? One would not be expected to remove their coat or gloves or scarf (in cold weather) during an outside service. They would be seen as appropriate clothing to protect against the elements. The hat however has aquired a duel role. It's both common protective clothing as well as a symbolic tool for dispensing courtesy. Does anyone have a good answer for why (besides something having to do with knights and helmets)?

[huh]

 

[rrog]

That's something I wonder about too, Classified00. Since the wearing of hats basically fell by the wayside a long time ago, this new generation of hat-wearers only has the older, traditional ways of hat etiquette to use as a guide. But the question you're asking is basically, "Why does doing something today automatically mean you're being disrespectful just because it was disrespectful yesterday?" I don't have a good answer to that question.

For example, when I was growing up, we rarely got to go out to eat at a restaurant. And when we did, we didn't necessarily wear our Sunday best, but we did tend to dress up a little more. Now we eat out all the time and many people I see at the restaurant are dressed very casually, if not downright slovenly. But they're not looked down upon as they would have been 40 years ago. Times and societal norms have changed.

Then why cling to old hat etiquette when the wearing of hats today is so different from 100 years ago? As I researched the graveside etiquette issue, I read a lot from the Emily Post book on etiquette. If you google it, you'll find the complete book in e-book format. It addressed things that are so outdated today that they almost seem ridiculous. One example is that it was proper for women to mourn for at least a year and a day. They could only wear black during this time. Then the second mourning was supposed to be for nine months. They could only wear black with some minor ornamental jewelry during this time. Interestingly, a woman was looked down upon if she should wear something outrageous during her time of mourning, but it was equally inappropriate for someone to say something to her about her outrageous dress!

So again, why is it looked upon as being disrespectful if you do or don't wear your hat at certain times? I don't know. There are some who are rabid about using the absolute proper hat etiquette. In the context of my original question, I guess I come down on the side of doing that which is least offensive to the bereaved. As a minister, my job is to offer spiritual and emotional comfort to the family. Obviously, it's not the time to make any sort of fashion statement. Because of this, I'm compelled to err on the side of caution. If I have any question whatsoever about doing something that might be offensive or even non-comforting to the family, then I don't want to do it. If that requires me to adhere to standards of hat etiquette that was proper over a hundred years ago (which may seem illogical today), then that's what I'm going to do. PabloElFlamenco summed it up pretty well. Whether I'm officiating or just attending a funeral/graveside, doing what's right for the family is my rule of thumb.

But the philosophical question about why something is considered disrespectful today just because it was yesterday would make for an interesting thread itself.

rrog

 

[jlp1551]

So much great and varied input. I'm in my sixties and just took to wearing hats, not caps, this past year. Three weeks ago, my Mom saw my hat for the first time, she really liked it. This morning, she passed. I came looking for guidance on this subject, and am also going from my memory so many years ago. I remember gentlemen ALWAYS removing their hats when there was a prayer, even at a picnic. So, I'm going to follow that route, my hat will come off during prayers, and when talking with females. I bet there will be a couple of older gentlemen there, and I will watch them for sure, for clues! I'd really like to see hats, not caps, come back into style. There is something elegant about them!

 

[Blackthorn]

Sounds like you have the right idea.

 

[Lotsahats]

Jlp, sorry for your loss.

I would add to this general discussion that culture also plays a big role in the decision. In Judaism, covering the head is a sign of utmost respect, and so I never remove either of my hats at Jewish funerals; likewise, I don't uncover at non-Jewish funerals, either, given that a head covering is required in the presence of the Divine, and since I believe Gd is present everywhere, how much the more so should I think Gd is present at a funeral--no matter the religion of the person who has died.

A

 

[Blackthorn]

Jlp, sorry for your loss.

I would add to this general discussion that culture also plays a big role in the decision. In Judaism, covering the head is a sign of utmost respect, and so I never remove either of my hats at Jewish funerals; likewise, I don't uncover at non-Jewish funerals, either, given that a head covering is required in the presence of the Divine, and since I believe Gd is present everywhere, how much the more so should I think Gd is present at a funeral--no matter the religion of the person who has died.

A

Very well said, A.

 

[jlp1551]

Tnx. Forgot bout the Jewish angle, well, when in Rome. This is going to be an experience!

 

[Edm1]

When I worked funerals while in the Army, I kept covered because that was the uniform. When I attended funerals and it was cold and people were wearing hats, they removed them during prayers. Otherwise they wore them to stay warm. I don't know that I have attended funerals in the summer where people were wearing hats. I do know that people attend funerals and wear sun glasses. They are not ever removed. So I'm good with wearing a hat.

 

[Big Man]

So much great and varied input. I'm in my sixties and just took to wearing hats, not caps, this past year. Three weeks ago, my Mom saw my hat for the first time, she really liked it. This morning, she passed. I came looking for guidance on this subject, and am also going from my memory so many years ago. I remember gentlemen ALWAYS removing their hats when there was a prayer, even at a picnic. So, I'm going to follow that route, my hat will come off during prayers, and when talking with females. I bet there will be a couple of older gentlemen there, and I will watch them for sure, for clues! I'd really like to see hats, not caps, come back into style. There is something elegant about them!

You have my sincere condolences on the passing of your mother.

As to hats and hat etiquette: Rules and customs may come and go, but basic signs of respect such as removing one's hat in church, during a prayer, or at a funeral service, never goes out of style.