Glamour As Armour?

[Mojito]

I agree with the idea that there's a lot of insecurity involved in the hostility women sometimes extend to each other. Sadly, I've seen it coming from a very dear friend - not directed at me, but at every other woman - be they someone walking down the street or an actress on screen - who wasn't part of her close circle of friends. If I hadn't known how deeply insecure she was about body issues, I wouldn't have known where the cattiness about everyone else was coming from.

I can only really recall one incident where I consciously donned clothing as an armour. And yes, in defense against other women! I'd been called in for a one-on-one office conference by my boss, and was broadsided by some vicious, untrue allegations that two female colleagues had made against me. Fortunately my boss was quite aware of the characters of all involved, and she took my side and promised the situation would be resolved. I left the office, and as I passed them, the women involved would have seen I had puffy eyes. They probably thought I'd resigned on the spot, or at least had received a stern warning.

Instead, I went for a long and glorious shop. The next day, I walked in with shoulders back and a new outfit from head to toe. Nice pumps, nice slacks, nice little short sleeved sweater, immaculate makeup and hair. They were gobsmacked.

Soon after, the boss was as good as her word and transferred me to another section where I worked with a very pleasant colleague.

If I'm a bit down I'll use clothes as a bolster - I have a red velvet dress that is a bit dressy for work, but I'll don it anyway. Or one of my more elaborate necklaces with a simple top. And my favourite 1920s top never fails to comfort.

 

[Novella]

Maybe not necessarily as armor, but as a mood booster. Sometimes the blues or the mean reds strike. I usually feel cheerier once I've made an effort to dress nicer. Accessories are my favorite - lipstick, highheels, jewelry.

The whole girls being envious/catty to other girls thing always makes me laugh. Once I went to hang out at a friend's flat (another American who was living with a bunch of British students). One of the British girls there gave us the dirtiest looks, as if we were here solely to steal all the men in Britain away from her. That made me want to crack up laughing, but I managed not to. (She must have taken Love Actually a little too seriously hahaha) Don't get me wrong, I like the way I am and I have plenty of confidence in myself, but I'm no threat. I'm far too laid back and lacking in drama (and I like it that way!).

 

[JazzBaby]

Some people are just insecure, I guess. I know girls who become catty when you talk to a guy they don't even know - just the fact you're getting attention seems to rile them up.

I'm all about the sisterhood! Life's too short.

 

[Barbigirl]

Armour/Mood booster

I have to admit I dress for both at times even if it is not vintage. It is usually the power suit category. I find it really does help me at work to feel confident and secure, even if it is silly.

 

[Paisley]

Women will tear you down more than men will

I can only really recall one incident where I consciously donned clothing as an armour. And yes, in defense against other women! I'd been called in for a one-on-one office conference by my boss, and was broadsided by some vicious, untrue allegations that two female colleagues had made against me. Fortunately my boss was quite aware of the characters of all involved, and she took my side and promised the situation would be resolved. I left the office, and as I passed them, the women involved would have seen I had puffy eyes. They probably thought I'd resigned on the spot, or at least had received a stern warning.

My last job was like that, but my boss wouldn't do a thing to help me. I finally ended up quitting and going to work for a more successful competitor. The women who work there are at the top of their game and have a lot of confidence. Need I say they aren't catty but rather enjoy the company of winners?

Last year, my employer bought one of the offices of my previous employer where I had quit. One of the accountants who came to work for us from there used to gossip with that harpie I worked with. The first few days she was at our office, she couldn't even look me in the face. I hoped the good-natured, disciplined culture of our office would rub off on her, and that indeed seems to be happening. She just needed to get away from that snakepit.

 

[princessofcandl]

Most definently dressing to our "most pretty" to get confident. I usually use the kill-them-with-kindness thing. Not that I can't be a total witch. Belive me... I can without hesitation. But for the most part I get more polite and Miss manners with under attack. The more lady like I am the more the other girl is appeart to be the butt. If not, well then it just bugs the heck out of them. Then I like to use my other favorite line.

Nothing irritates them more than my smiling face.

It will bother them to no end.

 

[Folly]

There will always be women who are stuck in that high school mentality of what I non affectionately call, pissing contests. I tend to try to be as polite as possible but also keep the interaction as limited as I possibly can since building any kind of relationship seems kind of pointless. I seriously hope your brother isn't serious about this girl!

Unfortunately, he is

 

[TheKitschGoth]

Most definently dressing to our "most pretty" to get confident. I usually use the kill-them-with-kindness thing. Not that I can't be a total witch. Belive me... I can without hesitation. But for the most part I get more polite and Miss manners with under attack. The more lady like I am the more the other girl is appeart to be the butt. If not, well then it just bugs the heck out of them. Then I like to use my other favorite line.

Nothing irritates them more than my smiling face.

It will bother them to no end.

Yeah, I do that one too.

 

[GOK]

Warning: long and potentially boring post!!!

I don't know, I've been brought up to always be well mannered and polite, so it's not a conscious thing I do - it just happens.

Granted there have been times (and still are) when it's been difficult to be affable in the face of hostility but when all is said and done, I'd be letting myself down (and those that might be with me) if I were anything less.

I also feel that to be deliberately saccharine toward someone just to make them feel bad is as wrong as the incoming hostility itself. If I really find I cannot get along with someone, I will remove myself from the situation. No matter how horrible a person may be toward me, it is not for me to make her (or him) feel uncomfortable.

Good manners means putting people at their ease; it also means not retaliating. At least, that's how I've been brought up. At the end of the day, I wish to maintain an air of d?©corum and will not sink to someone else's level to make myself feel better. I don't think life is about winning popularity contests - of course it's preferable to be thought of in a good light but I'd rather be known for my integrity than for my ability to be falsely pleasant to someone. There is nothing wrong with not liking a person but that doesn't mean I have to be horrible to them...and IMO, being falsely sweet to them is actually quite a horrible way to behave. (Being of a naturally pleasant disposition, however, is something entirely different and not something I am referring to here.)

I think what I am trying to get across is that for me, if I don't feel naturally well disposed toward a person, I'm not going to pretend to be his/her best friend. I'll be polite and I will attempt to put them at their ease in the hopes that some form of neutrality may be reached. If this fails, I'll walk away because at the end of the day, I actually don't really care whether they like me or not. So long as the people that are important to me don't consider me to be a heinous wretch, I'm not too bothered about what others think. If they like me, all well and good but if they don't, it's not the end of the world. [huh]

**Disclaimer - the above is in no way a critique of anything that's been written in this thread, nor a reflection upon they way anybody else conducts themself. It is merely my own personal opinion of what is right for me and not a judgement of how others behave.

 

[Viola]

I also feel that to be deliberately saccharine toward someone just to make them feel bad is as wrong as the incoming hostility itself. If I really find I cannot get along with someone, I will remove myself from the situation. No matter how horrible a person may be toward me, it is not for me to make her (or him) feel uncomfortable.

I can respect that stance, but I can't walk that walk. You're a much better person than I.

It is not my job to make horrid people feel good about themselves, and saccharine sweetness sometimes keeps me from punching them in the snoot.

"I'm sorry you feel that way!" *SMILE* is about as dialed-back as I can handle.

-Viola

 

[Paisley]

Respectfully, GOK, I disagree with some of the things you have just said.

You and I might prefer to dislike a contemptible person from afar, but some people thrive on drama, some people are bullies and some people are socially clueless. Either they have to be made uncomfortable or you have to let yourself be put upon.

I don't attract many drama queens since my demeanor is rather dry, but I've found that the stink-eye helps with bullies. Concessions are, to bullies, signs of weakness. As for the socially clueless, sometimes even spelling out your wishes doesn't work. If they are ignored long enough, they typically go away.

 

[TheKitschGoth]

I can respect that stance, but I can't walk that walk. You're a much better person than I.

It is not my job to make horrid people feel good about themselves, and saccharine sweetness sometimes keeps me from punching them in the snoot.

"I'm sorry you feel that way!" *SMILE* is about as dialed-back as I can handle.

-Viola

Working in retail it was the only way to deal with nasty customers. You couldn't walk away, you had to deal with them. A lot of the nasty ones were out to get something for nothing, and thought that by making you look bad in front of customers would force you to start giving freebies/discounts, they'd deliberately try to provoke you into getting angry so that they could turn to the other customers and say "see? See how rude the staff are?!". So if I was OTT sweet to them, they knew I wasn't being genuinely polite, but everyone else thought I was an angel. Exit nasty customer, and I get praised for my customer service. In an ideal world I wouldn't act like that, but in an ideal world they wouldn't give me reason to.

I've found that when dealing with b*****y girls it works just as well. I'd love to walk away from them, but that leaves my back exposed..

 

[mysterygal]

lol speaking about working in retail, I worked at Macy's for a year in the women's department-was total hell, rudeness definetely abounded!
I have to say I side on what GOK said. Yes, there are people who are rude and mean, but if it comes down to it, we all have the choice to just leave the situation. It really does nothing to see who can be the bigger b****. I grew up with the notion that no matter what, just kill them with a smile...I have always seen that they really do start feeling bad when all you show them is sincere courtesy.

 

[Miss Dottie]

I think everyone has made (or thought of) a cutting remark about someone else's fashion at least once in their lives instead of possibly getting at the larger issue or what have you.

Instead, I'm going to turn that frown upside down and go out of my way to focus on the snappy outfits that strangers and friends don. Haven't we all stopped someone on the street to comment how lovely they look or what a divine dress they are wearing? The times it has happened to me have sent me off walking on a cloud of air!

Let's all make a pact to call out a lovely outfit that someone is wearing.

 

[Mojito]

My last job was like that, but my boss wouldn't do a thing to help me. I finally ended up quitting and going to work for a more successful competitor. The women who work there are at the top of their game and have a lot of confidence. Need I say they aren't catty but rather enjoy the company of winners?

It came as a shock to me, as in my first job out of Uni I worked in an office with many strong women - the Government Minister I worked for, her immediate lieutenant, many of her staff. And we were all very close and worked in a supportive atmosphere that was certainly not the norm for the political milieau (indeed, several of them - including the Minister herself and her chief adviser - remain among my closest friends). Being accustomed to that environment, I was a bit unequipped to deal with a different workplace culture.

Part of the reason they turned on me (as much as there ever was a reason - it's still mysterious) was my disinclination to play their reindeer games. These women had originally been fairly friendly, but one night - when they were sledging a number of other absent colleagues and I was silent on the subject - one said sharply to me that "you're so political - you're careful never to criticise anyone!". It wasn't anything particularly virtuous on my part...I just find shop talk and office politics excruciatingly dull! But it fell foul of their "if you're not with us, your agin us!" attitude.

I'm glad the boss took matters in hand and sorted them out. And now, I'm in another job I love, in the area that most interests me, working for a very inspiring woman who is a leader both nationally and internationally in her field. And she loves to see a bit of vintage in the office!

I find professionalism - which incorporates politeness - the best way to deal with problematical colleagues. Although it has lead to some people seeing me as perhaps a bit aloof.

I keep a tight reign on my explosive temper, though - I understand it leaves people a bit shell-shocked on the very rare instances it gets out of the box. Those who think of me as a bit icy are amazed to find I'm volcanic instead.

 

[princessofcandl]

Its not like I'm nice to be a pain. I just remember to be nice in spite of what is going on around me. Maybe it comes from my years of retail. You can be sure that Victoria's Secret from Dec 1st to Feb 15th is not happy planet. But when I am super nice that either encourages them to be friendly or will make them go away. I just don't let them ruffle my feathers. I also had a best friend who was a guy. We would hang out, go dancing, and such. Well he was quite the lady's man too. And these lady's could not believe we were just friends. So it was "normal" to wait out a bit of evil-eye till they figured out I was not interested in "their guy" that way. Or they went away cuz the found out I wasn't going anywhere. But I can't walk away from that. And I wouldn't walk away from special days with my family. She can either learn to behave or she will stop coming around. Either way it was not because I did anything. I was just making sure I was being nice.

 

[BonnieJean]

Looks like a lot of gals here have worked retail. I too, have worked in the retail world and totally agree with TheKitschGoth and others. I got so good at dealing with nasty customers that my co-workers would come and get me whenever they had to deal with one. I don't think I'm being dishonest by not letting my true feelings show, but its just the way that I deal with the emotional and mental thugs of this world. Killing them with kindness.

...but I've found that the stink-eye helps with bullies.

Paisley, I've never heard that before. Could you elaborate on what a "stink-eye" is? I was kind of an odd duck as a kid and bullied a lot. Sure wish I could of used a stink-eye on them back then!

 

[Paisley]

It's a menacing look. It's especially effective when you look out the corner of your eye when you give it. I reserve it for people who continue to make a nuisance of themselves after I've tried leaving them alone, being extra professional, etc.

You might look to Joan Crawford or Betty Davis for inspiration if you wish to practice the stink eye.

 

[Paisley]

Part of the reason they turned on me (as much as there ever was a reason - it's still mysterious) was my disinclination to play their reindeer games. These women had originally been fairly friendly, but one night - when they were sledging a number of other absent colleagues and I was silent on the subject - one said sharply to me that "you're so political - you're careful never to criticise anyone!". It wasn't anything particularly virtuous on my part...I just find shop talk and office politics excruciatingly dull! But it fell foul of their "if you're not with us, your agin us!" attitude.

Well, if they'll tell it to you, they'll tell it about you, as I'm sure you know. I learned long ago to keep my own counsel at work. My coworkers probably see me as rather crisp, too.

I'm glad you've moved to a better office instead of suffering at the old one.

Back to the topic of glamour as armour...I think that taking pride in your grooming and having a professional look helps show you won't be walked on. And I've gotten compliments from some of the partners on my clothes, especially the vintage ones.

 

[JazzBaby]

It's a menacing look. It's especially effective when you look out the corner of your eye when you give it. I reserve it for people who continue to make a nuisance of themselves after I've tried leaving them alone, being reasonable, etc.

You might look to Joan Crawford or Betty Davis for inspiration if you wish to practice the stink eye.

lol Time for a re-watch of 'The Women' and 'All About Eve' methinks...lol