Dealing with Divorce

[PrettySquareGal]

Hi, Ladies. I am newly divorced after a decade and a half of marriage! As I adjust to my new "status" I am having a hard time with unwanted attention. I no longer wear a wedding band and am wondering if that is a part of it? I'm not dressing any differently. I've also been dealing with some opportunistic chumps who think that because I am newly divorced that they can now make a move. I've also been teaching myself how to do more things around the house.

How did the ladies of the past deal with divorce when, at those times, it was a big scandal?

If you are divorced, how did you deal (or are you dealing) with the transition?

 

[LizzieMaine]

Divorces were harder to get in the Era than they are today, but they were by no means uncommon. My great-grandmother kicked out her no-account drunk of a husband in 1917, divorced him, and went to work in a shoe factory to support her kids. She did remarry about six years later, but she remained a very independent soul. She didn't give a fat barrel of spit if tongues wagged -- she knew was best for herself and her kids, and she did it.

The experience taught her the danger of ever allowing herself to be physically, financially, or emotionally dependent on any one person, and I think that's a worthwhile lesson to learn. When I had my own break-up after fifteen years, I was already a pretty independent sort, but that didn't make it any less stressful emotionally. I spent a lot of time reading about independent women of the Era, which I found very inspirational -- I always recommend Marjorie Hillis's 1937 best-seller "Live Alone And Like It," which, although it's targeted to young metropolitan women, has a lot of wisdom for women of any age on how to live your life on your own terms.

As far as unwanted attention goes, the way I walk, talk, and carry myself sends a clear message that I'm not looking to be "swept up and rescued." Most of the men around this town are either scared to death of me or think I'm funny -- either way, they leave me alone, and that suits me just peachy.

 

[PrettySquareGal]

Divorces were harder to get in the Era than they are today, but they were by no means uncommon. My great-grandmother kicked out her no-account drunk of a husband in 1917, divorced him, and went to work in a shoe factory to support her kids. She did remarry about six years later, but she remained a very independent soul. She didn't give a fat barrel of spit if tongues wagged -- she knew was best for herself and her kids, and she did it.

The experience taught her the danger of ever allowing herself to be physically, financially, or emotionally dependent on any one person, and I think that's a worthwhile lesson to learn. When I had my own break-up after fifteen years, I was already a pretty independent sort, but that didn't make it any less stressful emotionally. I spent a lot of time reading about independent women of the Era, which I found very inspirational -- I always recommend Marjorie Hillis's 1937 best-seller "Live Alone And Like It," which, although it's targeted to young metropolitan women, has a lot of wisdom for women of any age on how to live your life on your own terms.

As far as unwanted attention goes, the way I walk, talk, and carry myself sends a clear message that I'm not looking to be "swept up and rescued." Most of the men around this town are either scared to death of me or think I'm funny -- either way, they leave me alone, and that suits me just peachy.

As always, great to hear from you. The internet means so many more wagging tongues so I do need to stop giving barrels of spit away, or feeling obliged to share anything at all.

 

[LizzieMaine]

And always good to see you around the Lounge. I know you well enough to know you're going to get thru all this just fine, so chin up, confident stride, and ever onward!

 

[PrettySquareGal]

And always good to see you around the Lounge. I know you well enough to know you're going to get thru all this just fine, so chin up, confident stride, and ever onward!

Thanks, Lizzie.

 

[Vera Godfrey]

I am not divorced, just separated.

Is the unwanted attention coming from people who knew you before and know you are now divorced? If not, I would say the lack of wedding ring makes them think you are fair game. If so, they are just being, as you said, opportunistic. Either way, I know it is annoying to you!

Good luck! And don't feel like you need to explain anything to anyone. Nobody's business but yours!

 

[St. Louis]

My mother was the first woman in her tiny German village to get a divorce. She had to deal with endless gossip and scandal-mongering, but she prevailed by getting herself a GED and then a nursing license. Of course, then she married my Dad, God rest his Soul, who was in many ways exactly like her first husband.

Good luck, dear Square Gal. You sound like a lady with moxie and humor. The transition can't be easy. Wish you all the best.

 

[PrettySquareGal]

Thanks, Ladies. Every day gets easier but not without quirks and kinks.

 

[Vera Godfrey]

Sorry to hear that, Amy Jeanne!

 

[LizzieMaine]

Likewise. But good to hear you're landing on your feet. Rediscovering the pleasure of solitude is one the best things anyone can do.

 

[LizzieMaine]

You can *never* listen to too much 30s music.

 

[PrettySquareGal]

I'm still adjusting to my new economic "station" as I come across the unexpected, rate increases and income reduction. I even learned that being divorced raises your car insurance.

 

[PrettySquareGal]

It's been 10 years and I'm finally being ME. Part of this is my love for vintage. My husband pretty much squashed all my sewing, music, movies, interests. Told me my dresses looked like "clown outfits" and if I listened to "too much" 30s music he would tell me "You're getting too far into it again!" Movie night was 99% his choice. Once in a while he'd throw me a bone and let me pick, but it would be used against me, eventually ("We ALWAYS watch YOUR movies!")

The severe emotional abuse the last 1-2 years was so familiar to me that I didn't even know it was happening. Now that I'm 8 months departed from it I can see it clear as day. And part of this is getting back into things *I* love and not having ANYONE put me down for it.

Sorry.....rant over!

That rant sounds like beautiful praise of the merits of being divorced! Be yourself always!

 

[DonnaP]

Good for you trying to do more around the house! It can be pretty scary trying to figure a lot of this out. There are a lot of great resources on line, youtube videos, all sorts of stuff that can be helpful. I had to snake a drain last week and while it really wasn't that difficult, it helped to look it up online and I was so proud of myself when the drain was clear.

As far as unwanted attention, I'd just be firm and don't worry about being mean if you need to. You've got a lot to sort out, but it sounds as though you are on your way.

Also, feel free to rant!

 

[LizzieMaine]

You have made the best move you'll ever make in your life by getting him out of it. Take a big, deep breath, and reclaim your self!

 

[sheeplady]

He pretty much controlled everything I did down to the food I ate, the TV shows/movies I was "allowed" to watch, what I wore, how I did my hair, what I was allowed to sew (he needed to "approve" the fabric choice and pattern toward the end), how I drove my car, what I was "allowed" to like, etc....

One thing I refused to let him take away from me was my love of music. He CONSTANTLY put it down and actually made it a point to HATE everything I liked (because he couldn't control it!!!) One reason I could keep my musical interests was because I could listen to it at work and/or in my car -- places he wasn't so he couldn't "monitor" it.

Amy Jeanne, I am very happy you got out of that relationship. Controlling people like that often get worse and worse, as you mentioned he did. I've seen too many women become a prisoner in their own home being threatened with or on the receiving end of violence. I am glad you are safe... please make sure you stay that way. Controlling people often don't let go easily.

 

[LizzieMaine]

You're absolutely right -- women *do* need to be open about this sort of thing, and there's absolutely no need to be apologetic about it. No man has the right to squelch you like that, ever.

 

[LizzieMaine]

Therapy is a very good thing, if only to give you a spot where you can really let out what you've been bottling up. Catharsis is a wonderful, wonderful feeling.

When my mother threw out her second husband, who was both mentally and physically abusive to her, to me, and to my little sister, she enjoyed a bit of catharsis by utterly demolishing his motorcycle with a sledgehammer, and piling the remains out front for him to take away. I've always admired her for that.

If you ever get up to New England, look me up, and we'll sit around the theatre after closing, eat cookies and watch 30s movies on the big screen all night.

 

[PrettySquareGal]

I sure am a happy gal over a year later! Phew.

 

[vintage.vendeuse]

I sure am a happy gal over a year later! Phew.

I read this thread with interest as I divorced a verbally-abusive control-freak in 2012. The day the divorce was final, I felt like the proverbial ball-and-chain had been cut off my ankle! People would say, "I'm sorry" when they heard I'd divorced and I couldn't help but smile and bubble out, "I'm not!"

So glad to read your update and hear that you are in a happy place!