Confronting a Friend About Clothes

[Penny Dreadful]

I have a friend who loves my clothes. I have no problem lending things out, and she wants to borrow them all the time. But it's getting to be TOO much. I don't think she goes to any social events without wearing my clothes. It's even become assumed that she would take a new outfit from me every week, and I'm starting to feel used, and extremely annoyed. I don't mean to be possessive but my closet is MINE. And it's not at all like she doesn't have a lot of clothes of her own, if anything she has tons more than me, she just doesn't like them as much I guess. The problem is I don't know how to broach the subject. I'm very anti-confrontational and I don't want her to think that I'm being selfish or possessive. As I said, I'm happy to lend her things, for special occasions or whatever, but this is getting silly. I also feel like if I did manage to confront her she would start buying copies of everything I own. She's already bought her own of my favorite dress, and then even told me I wasn't allowed to wear mine for her birthday party because she was wearing hers. I have no right to tell her what to buy but this all bothers me a lot. What should I do?
I'm sorry if this doesn't fit anywhere, I just really didn't know who else to ask.

 

[Miss Golightly]

It sounds like your friend is taking advantage of your kind and generous nature. I think you should sit her down for a chat and tell her that you don't mind her borrowing your clothes the odd time but lately it's just been too frequent. Tell her she has loads of lovely clothes and should take advantage of all the pretty things she has.

As for her copying your style - next time she asks you where you got a new dress from just be vague about it - maybe tell her you bought a few things of late and can't be sure - and if she asks you to check and find out for her say sure and then don't get back to her on it and keep this up. She'll get the message soon enough. Your friend needs to find her own style - and her own clothes!

Don't feel bad about this - this situation would annoy me too - it will probably be an uncomfortable chat but once it's done your friend should catch on.

Good luck!

 

[Lady Day]

I don't like lending clothes. Thats like sharing a nail file, ick. I have made exceptions, but rarely. The fact she bought a dress just like the one you lent her means you need to put a stop to lending her clothes. Seems she has the means to get her own.

Take her aside say, "I think its flattering that you want to borrow my clothes, so let me help you find your own vintage style. Lets look through what you already have and see what works." If she can't get the hint from that then you are going to have to be more blunt. She's doing it because you let her. She won't stop doing it until you stop her.

Thats the nice way to do it. I don't mind confrontation, though, so long as it's civil.

LD

 

[Drappa]

I hear your pain, I'm terrible about confronting friends, even though I have no problems with confronting strangers or family.
She obviously has low self-confidence and hasn't found her style yet. May I ask how old this friend is? The buying duplicates of your clothing sounds a lot like highschool behaviour, but if she's a grown-up it is a bit strange.
I also don't like lending clothes, mainly because I have not gotten things back in the past or people haven't taken care of my things. Maybe the next time she asks you could insist that the very thing she wants to borrow is exactly what you wanted to wear, so she can't borrow it. If you do this a few times in a row she may get the hint? Although my experience with people like that is that they don't do subtlety.
Were you good friends before or do you think she is your friend in order to use your clothes and copy your style? That, I think, has a lot to do with how you approach this.
You could also just wear whatever you want to her birthday party, and she may be so annoyed that she won't want to have the same clothes as you. It's not like you're going to her wedding in a white dress.
Sorry you have to deal with this, that is quite annoying, despite the flattery.

 

[Juliet]

You know, I'll be the bad one and tell you, that perhaps, aside from he confrontation over the clothes (which you you should do, and the advice above is sound), you should cut back on that friendship altogether. Because if it's not going to be the clothes, it'll be something else she'll try to take advantage of.

Just an honest opinion.

 

[Berlin]

I agree with what Juliet says!

I have experienced this situation in a somewhat heavier version.
This girl totally wanted to bé mé. At first you might think it's flattering, but later, when you see that the girl is copying literally éverything; your creations, designs, interests, the way of dressing, thoughts, the way of speaking and worse; my boyfriend when I was 15!... She was, and still is, very obsessed, and I have been suffering terribly under this situation, considering she was my best friend for 12 years, but even in the beginning of our friendship, she wanted to outnumber me constantly. And the worst of all, was, that she got credits for the things she 'stole' / borrowed / copied from me. I lost my identity, so to speak, and she turned the tables, that Í was the copycat.

And this all started with her borrowing my clothes.

This was once, and never again. It gave me alot of trouble when I ended the friendship...but heck it was worth it!

 

[ThePowderKeg]

I second what others have to say...I'd let her know you don't mind lending her clothes once in a while, but her requests have become more frequent than you'd like, as it's interfering with your ability to plan your own outfits. While her appreciation of your good taste is flattering, she has her own style to develop.

Does she pay for drycleaning? Just curious.

One of my friends and I have the same skirt and the same shoes. The skirt purchase happened by accident, the shoes, I actually texted her a photo, said, "I'm buying these, do you want a pair too?" The odds of us wearing the shoes and/or skirt to the same event are very slim, as they're typically things I'd wear to work, but we occasionally tease each other..."are you going to wear The Shoes tomorrow? Because I was thinking about it, but if you were going to wear them, I can find a backup pair..." We've found an arrangement that works for us.

You could also tell little Miss Shops-in-your-closet that you're thinking of moving to Darkest Peru, it's a pity your clothes will all be leaving with you at the end of the month...

 

[Amy Jeanne]

I don't like lending clothes. Thats like sharing a nail file, ick. I have made exceptions, but rarely. The fact she bought a dress just like the one you lent her means you need to put a stop to lending her clothes. Seams she has the means to get her own.

Take her aside say, "I think its flattering that you want to borrow my clothes, so let me help you find your own vintage style. Lets look through what you already have and see what works." If she can't get the hint from that then you are going to have to be more blunt. She's doing it because you let her. She won't stop doing it until you stop her.

Thats the nice way to do it. I don't mind confrontation, though, so long as it's civil.

LD

^^^EVERYTHING stated here.

 

[Tatum]

I agree with what Juliet says!

I have experienced this situation in a somewhat heavier version.
This girl totally wanted to bé mé. At first you might think it's flattering, but later, when you see that the girl is copying literally éverything; your creations, designs, interests, the way of dressing, thoughts, the way of speaking and worse; my boyfriend when I was 15!... She was, and still is, very obsessed, and I have been suffering terribly under this situation, considering she was my best friend for 12 years, but even in the beginning of our friendship, she wanted to outnumber me constantly. And the worst of all, was, that she got credits for the things she 'stole' / borrowed / copied from me. I lost my identity, so to speak, and she turned the tables, that Í was the copycat.

And this all started with her borrowing my clothes.

This was once, and never again. It gave me alot of trouble when I ended the friendship...but heck it was worth it!

I went through a very similar experience. It started with the clothes then went on to other things, like dyeing her hair blonde when it really didn't suit her, to the point that mutual friends started making comments that she needed to find her own and stop trying to be me. If I bought something, she would immediately go buy the same thing. It was rather disturbing. About the time that I was getting into vintage (and strangely enough she was going through a stage wearing extremely provocative clothing, which I was shying away from) was when I ended the friendship.

Be careful. In my experience there were some untruthful occurrences that happened after confronting her, such as her saying that clothing that I had loaned her was actually hers, or her saying that she had returned it. Her boyfriend helped me go through her things when she was out of town (he knew what was up) and I eventually got everything back, but it was a process. She actually called me once, long after I stopped talking to her, to ask if she had loaned me "her" plaid skirt and if I had it, could she have it back....of course, the skirt in question was mine.

 

[Lauren]

I don't like lending clothes. Thats like sharing a nail file, ick. I have made exceptions, but rarely. The fact she bought a dress just like the one you lent her means you need to put a stop to lending her clothes. Seams she has the means to get her own.

Take her aside say, "I think its flattering that you want to borrow my clothes, so let me help you find your own vintage style. Lets look through what you already have and see what works." If she can't get the hint from that then you are going to have to be more blunt. She's doing it because you let her. She won't stop doing it until you stop her.

Thats the nice way to do it. I don't mind confrontation, though, so long as it's civil.

LD

Ditto.

If I've ever lent something I rarely get it back in the condition it went out in, if I get it back at all...

 

[Pale Lady]

She doesn't sound like much of a friend...

 

[I Adore Film Noir]

I have a friend who loves my clothes. I have no problem lending things out, and she wants to borrow them all the time. But it's getting to be TOO much. I don't think she goes to any social events without wearing my clothes. It's even become assumed that she would take a new outfit from me every week, and I'm starting to feel used, and extremely annoyed. I don't mean to be possessive but my closet is MINE. And it's not at all like she doesn't have a lot of clothes of her own, if anything she has tons more than me, she just doesn't like them as much I guess. The problem is I don't know how to broach the subject. I'm very anti-confrontational and I don't want her to think that I'm being selfish or possessive. As I said, I'm happy to lend her things, for special occasions or whatever, but this is getting silly. I also feel like if I did manage to confront her she would start buying copies of everything I own. She's already bought her own of my favorite dress, and then even told me I wasn't allowed to wear mine for her birthday party because she was wearing hers. I have no right to tell her what to buy but this all bothers me a lot. What should I do?
I'm sorry if this doesn't fit anywhere, I just really didn't know who else to ask.

Okay, that's it. She's shut off from your wardrobe.

You're going to have to decide what to say the next time she asks to borrow your clothes, and you know she's going to ask soon.

Tell her it makes you REALLY uncomfortable lending clothes and you were hoping she would stop but she hasn't and now you're forced to say something. Tell her this is a New Year's Resolution.

You may lose her friendship over this, so be sure it's worth it. IMO, after telling you that you can't wear your own dress to her party, I don't think you're losing someone you'll miss.

Don't tell her where you got anything, either!

 

[LandGirl1980]

Have to agree with practically everything said here. It is a tough situation to be in - but then if she is actually a friend, then she will understand.
Maybe you could encourage her to get her own dresses - saying something like "otherwise we are going to look like twins!".

They do say that imitation is the best form of flattery - but I think that it is NO less annoying. You really have to have that conversation, hard as it may be.

 

[Penny Dreadful]

I hear your pain, I'm terrible about confronting friends, even though I have no problems with confronting strangers or family.
She obviously has low self-confidence and hasn't found her style yet. May I ask how old this friend is? The buying duplicates of your clothing sounds a lot like highschool behaviour, but if she's a grown-up it is a bit strange.
I also don't like lending clothes, mainly because I have not gotten things back in the past or people haven't taken care of my things. Maybe the next time she asks you could insist that the very thing she wants to borrow is exactly what you wanted to wear, so she can't borrow it. If you do this a few times in a row she may get the hint? Although my experience with people like that is that they don't do subtlety.
Were you good friends before or do you think she is your friend in order to use your clothes and copy your style? That, I think, has a lot to do with how you approach this.
You could also just wear whatever you want to her birthday party, and she may be so annoyed that she won't want to have the same clothes as you. It's not like you're going to her wedding in a white dress.
Sorry you have to deal with this, that is quite annoying, despite the flattery.

Actually, she's about to turn 29. She always returns my clothes promptly and in good condition, which is one of the reasons I have let her continue, and even a reason she feels she should be let to continue as much as she wants. But half of it is my fault. At first I thought it would be nice, because we could bond over the clothes and the vain/childish part of me would enjoy having their wardrobe admired even while I wasn't at a particular event or club night. And it WAS very flattering. I was always offering to lend her things and give her things I no longer wanted. It's even how we became friends in the first place (she was asking for help with her hair on facebook so I offered to give her some clip-in extensions). She is an otherwise great friend and I wouldn't want to lose that. I just wish I could fix the underlying problem, if it sprouts from more than her just admiring my style. I am left believing something she's said to me. That she used to dress very gothic l.olita and now at this age she wants her style to evolve and be more grown-up. And I suppose mine was the option that landed in her lap.
I like the idea of asking to go through her closet and find some nice things in there. I think I'll try it.

 

[Miss Golightly]

I think Shakespeare said it best:

Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

"Hamlet", Act 1 scene 3

 

[TillyMilly]

I have posted on here before about the fact that my ex-freind has started buying every peice that I did (or very similar), off ebay- so I've had to make my profile private.

Whats even wierder is that I just bought a dressing table form a local antique shop and the next minute she is buying one from an ebay seller which is similar! She lives miles away from me so it's a bit weird....... I even think she might be on here and that creeps me out..........

 

[Kitty_Sheridan]

I'm a hefty girl, but my friend is very slim and I have a large collection of vintage. I have lent her items from my collection and I think she assumes that they have been 'given' so I understand completely your annoyance. She's no friend...she is what I believe the kids call a 'Frenemy'!
K

 

[Wire9Vintage]

Could you suddenly start needing immediately everything she asks to borrow? You know, "Oh, sorry! I'm planning to wear that tomorrow." or "Oops, no, I need to sew a button on that this weekend." or "No, that needs to go to the cleaners." Any reason at all that she can't take it with her. That might be a way to wean her off your closet. You might even add, if you have the energy, "But we can go shopping for something you can wear to (fill in the blank)." or "But let's look on eBay and see what we can find for you."

Looking for a positive here (and perhaps stretching!), maybe she needs a little kick in the seat to get her own style going. Maybe she's just dependent on you, wanting to wear certain things without committing fully to them. Maybe the issue just needs to be forced a bit.

Now, as to telling you not to wear a dress because she's going to wear her version of it, that's just tacky and an entirely different issue in my book.

And anytime (which is extremely rare) I lend something, I sew in a little ribbon with my initials in sharpie on it. My excuse is that it's so the cleaners don't lose it (I know it doesn't work that way, but it's a good excuse!). That way, there is a bit of responsibility that goes with it. And no, that doesn't stop someone from removing the ribbon, but then that would just remove them from any future dealings, including civil conversation. And, of course, never lend things you might not get back. Simple excuse, "No, that's very meaningful/valuable/special to me. I don't lend it to anyone, sorry."

 

[LizzieMaine]

Another approach might be a sideways appeal to vanity -- "You know, I'll be honest -- I just don't think this would suit you, and I wouldn't want you to go around in public in something that wouldn't be flattering."

But that said, I think Mr. Shakespeare got it right -- I make it my own rule not to loan anything to anyone, ever, and especially not anything I want to get back. I loaned a sweater to a friend in high school, and she took it to summer camp and it came back smelling of fish. Never again.

 

[sheeplady]

This is why I am glad that I don't loan things out. The only person I loan things to is my mother (and my daughter if I have one some day).

Perhaps you can tell her that you had a bad experience loaning your clothing out to someone else, and it was so painful that you decided not to loan anything else out for a while.

Or you could be perfectly honest, and tell her what you told us. Something like: I really love that you appreciate and love my clothes and are such a good friend. But I've worked really hard on putting my wardrobe together, and sometimes when I loan you out a piece I realize that I really wanted to wear it. (I think you said in another thread that you had just gotten a new job, so maybe throw in about how you need more choice in your closet each week for your job). I appreciate that you always have brought these things back to me in good condition, but I'm not sure if I want to loan stuff out. I want to help you develop your own style, so that YOU have clothing I drool over. I feel in some ways that by my loaning these things out to you, I'm preventing you from developing your own style. How about we go shopping? (Then, if she buys something, act like it is the most wonderful thing in the world on her; compliment her in public in front of mutal friends, etc. Some of this might be due to low self-esteem regarding her own ability to choose stuff to wear).

If she is a good friend, she is worth keeping, but that doesn't mean you should be a doormat. She might get a little mad at first and this conversation isn't going to be easy. But, if she is a good friend, she'll see that you're trying to help her.

As far as clothing, I would love for a friend to have the same outfit and we accidently wear it to the same event. We could tell everyone we were twins. But I'm kind of weird.