Clean Jokes

[Frunobulax]

The scene: Action movie stars are talking about lending their efforts to a more "highbrow" project.

Bruce Willis: "Let's do a combination biopic of classical composers!"

Stallone: "That sounds like a great idea! I've always wanted to play Beethoven in a movie."

Vin Diesel: "I'm in! I've always had a love for Brahms."

Schwarzenegger takes a deep breath: "I'll be..."

 

[Zombie_61]

View attachment 364740

And if he's been married more than once: "One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi..."

 

[Turnip]

 

[1967Cougar390]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."

 

[Tiki Tom]

 

[LostInTyme]

 

[Zombie_61]

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Yeah, but it's impossible to find film for 'em these days.

 

[Turnip]

In German there’s a set phrase for being gone / having passed away:

„Weg vom Fenster“ sein / Being „Away from the window“

 

[Zombie_61]

In German there’s a set phrase for being gone / having passed away:

„Weg vom Fenster“ sein / Being „Away from the window“

What, they don't like "Pushin' up daisies"?

 

[Turnip]

That referred more to those surveillance cameras further up…

What, they don't like "Pushin' up daisies"?

They do, they just prefer to bite the grass or to return their spoon…

 

[Turnip]

By the way:

When Hitler enters a town, a girl holds out a tuft of grass to him. Hitler asks: “What am I supposed to do with that?” The girl replies: “Everyone says, if the Führer bites the grass, better times will come”.

Has been the joke the German actor Robert Dorsay made the Gestapo aware of him with, telling it in a restaurant.
They observed his mail…and sentenced him to death on October 8th 1943 for Wehrkraftzersetzung, he’s been executed soon after in Plötzensee.

 

[BobHufford]

Sorry ...

 

[GHT]

What, they don't like "Pushin' up daisies"?

Or Brown Bread?
Cockney rhyming slang.

 

[Turnip]

 

[Zombie_61]

I was in a Walmart yesterday. Apparently they think we want to decorate our Christmas trees and eat turkey while wearing our Halloween costumes.

 

[LostInTyme]

What? No Valentines yet?

 

[Zombie_61]

What? No Valentines yet?

Not yet. Probably Christmas Eve.

 

[Turnip]

 

[Turnip]

 

[Trenchfriend]

A wonderful crappy joke, I heard today:

What do you sew with compass needles?

West(s)...