Clean Jokes

[GHT]

Fruno, Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head, is the perfect euphemism for Prince Harry & Meghan.

Bob, have you ever seen Tofo? First time that I saw it I thought it was chewing tobacco.

 

[Frunobulax]

Fruno, Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head, is the perfect euphemism for Prince Harry & Meghan.

Bob, have you ever seen Tofo? First time that I saw it I thought it was chewing tobacco.

Don't insult the Potato Heads!

 

[BobHufford]

Bob, have you ever seen Tofo? First time that I saw it I thought it was chewing tobacco.

Tofu yes ... tofo no (isn't that a beach somewhere?)

I like tofu and eat it fairly often -- primarily in Thai or Korean dishes.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

 

[GHT]

Don't insult the Potato Heads!

Is that a threat? Are you from North Korea? Are you a Dick Tater?

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Do you know Jack, I thought that the spelling was tofu, but then I thought that I read your joke as tofo, so I used that spelling. My wife's friend whom she does the vintage hairdressing with, eats copious amounts of the stuff. I asked my missus, "What is tofu?" "A meat sustitute," she replied. "What, like a dildo," I answered. I tell you, it was a good fifteen seconds for the penny to drop, then came the slap on the back of my head. "That is so tasteless," she chided. "So is tofu," I thought, but didn't dare say in case another slap came my way.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

Do you know Jack, I thought that the spelling was tofu, but then I thought that I read your joke as tofo, so I used that spelling. My wife's friend whom she does the vintage hairdressing with, eats copious amounts of the stuff. I asked my missus, "What is tofu?" "A meat sustitute," she replied. "What, like a dildo," I answered. I tell you, it was a good fifteen seconds for the penny to drop, then came the slap on the back of my head. "That is so tasteless," she chided. "So is tofu," I thought, but didn't dare say in case another slap came my way.

Funny story & I enjoyed it a lot. But update your scorecard:

@BobHufford

@Hurricane Jack

 

[Frunobulax]

Funny story & I enjoyed it a lot. But update your scorecard:

@BobHufford

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@Hurricane Jack

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That just never stops being funny.

 

[Hurricane Jack]

That just never stops being funny.

And no offense meant or taken. Just too funny to pass up.

 

[GHT]

Funny story & I enjoyed it a lot. But update your scorecard:

Oh dear, old man and amnesia, what am I like? I tell you, this growing old malarky has some serious side effects:

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."

 

[Hurricane Jack]

Oh dear, old man and amnesia, what am I like? I tell you, this growing old malarky has some serious side effects:

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."

This old farmer was getting up in yrs & it was beginning to show with his health. He was definitely hard of hearing. His wife was worried about him & since he hadn't been to a doctor in 40 yrs she set it up for him to have a physical.

They were waiting patiently together in the examination room when the doctor finally opened the door & said, "Hi folks! I'm Dr. Smith & I'll be right back, but before we can get started with your physical you need to provide a urine sample & a stool sample." Then the doctor closed the door & was off down the hall.

The old farmer turned to his wife & asked, "What did he say?"

She replied loudly so he could hear, "He said he's gonna need your shorts!"

 

[GHT]

The old ones are definitely the best ones. This tale did the rounds a few years ago. Tesco is the UK's largest supermarket company.
The Story of The Retired Husband at Tesco:
Dear Mrs. Marsh,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr Joseph Marsh has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores nationwide. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our workers are attending counselling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr Marsh have been compiled and are listed below: Memo: Re - Mr Joseph Marsh Complaints. Things Mr Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our store:
June 22: Took 18 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolley's when they weren't looking.
July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in household department to go off at 5 minute intervals.
July 9: Made a trail of tomato ketchup on the floor leading to the toilets.
July 21: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 5' in fruit and veg..... and then watched what happened.
September 14: Moved a ' CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he' d invite them in for a cup of tea if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.
September 29: When a shelf-stacker asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and demands, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
October 31: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose in a disgusting fashion.
December 2: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme tune.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ' Pick me! Pick me!'
December 23: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams, 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!'
And; last, but not least!
December 24: Went into a fitting room in the clothing department, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here!'
Do you think that Mr Marsh's retirement story is a true story, or a hoax?

The story got into, what we call, the red top press. Lowest Common Denominator readership. The story sounds plausible but it's my guess that it's been cobbled together by some hack during the silly season.

 

[GHT]

Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living alone, answered a knock on the door, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning, Ma'am,' said the young man. If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." ''Go away!' said Myra brusquely. "I'm broke and haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty," he commanded. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet."Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." Myra stepped back and said with a smile, "Well let me get you a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this morning."

 

[Frunobulax]

The old ones are definitely the best ones. This tale did the rounds a few years ago. Tesco is the UK's largest supermarket company.
The Story of The Retired Husband at Tesco:
Dear Mrs. Marsh,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr Joseph Marsh has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores nationwide. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our workers are attending counselling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr Marsh have been compiled and are listed below: Memo: Re - Mr Joseph Marsh Complaints. Things Mr Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our store:
June 22: Took 18 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolley's when they weren't looking.
July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in household department to go off at 5 minute intervals.
July 9: Made a trail of tomato ketchup on the floor leading to the toilets.
July 21: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 5' in fruit and veg..... and then watched what happened.
September 14: Moved a ' CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he' d invite them in for a cup of tea if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.
September 29: When a shelf-stacker asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and demands, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
October 31: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose in a disgusting fashion.
December 2: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme tune.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ' Pick me! Pick me!'
December 23: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams, 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!'
And; last, but not least!
December 24: Went into a fitting room in the clothing department, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here!'
Do you think that Mr Marsh's retirement story is a true story, or a hoax?

The story got into, what we call, the red top press. Lowest Common Denominator readership. The story sounds plausible but it's my guess that it's been cobbled together by some hack during the silly season.

I'm all over that alarm clock thing. That's great.

 

[Tukwila]

Or go over to the display computers and put post-it notes on the bottom of the mouses (mice?)...

 

[BobHufford]

 

[GHT]

Is this corona virus or swine flu?

 

[Benny Holiday]

I like December 18, hiding in the clothes racks. Hilarious!

 

[GHT]

There's some lively debate in the Retirement & Hats thread. I thought about putting this there, but then this is the best place for jokes.

 

[Benny Holiday]

 

[Hurricane Jack]

The American Medical Association could not agree on advice for the nation's Corona virus strategy:

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter.” The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.