Bad Movie Descriptions of the Golden Era

[LizzieMaine]

When some of us had a lot less mileage, there was no internet, there were no Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide paperbacks, and there was really no convenient way to know what a particular old movie was all about -- other than the capsule descriptions in each week's issue of TV Guide.

These descriptions were masterpieces of bad copywriting -- wooden, passive-voiced, either stupidly vague or ponderously overwrought, enlivened by the occasional ridiculous typos, and rarely did they ever give you any good reason to watch any particular movie. It's a miracle so many of us transcended them to become genuine movie fans. Looking over any random pile of TV Guide issues from the 1950s thru the 1970s will reveal countless specimens of Bad Movie Descriptions. Would *you* have watched such films as these?

"Moontide" -- Drama. (1942) An itinerant dock worker has no home and his primary interest is in getting drunk. Jean Gabin. (One hour 45 min.)

"The Black Sleep" -- Melodrama. (1956) A man operates on the heads of unwilling victims. Basil Rathbone. (90 min.)

"Ever Since Venus" -- Musical Comedy. (1943) Several men concoct a new formula for lipstick, but are unable to merchandise the article. Ina Ray Hutton, Hugh Herbert, Ann Savage, Billy Gilbert. (90 min.)

"The Chaser" -- Comedy. (1938) A girl is planted to get the goods on a lawyer who is costing a traction company money with damage suits. Dennis O'Keefe, Ann Morris, Lewis Stone. (90 min.)

"A Night To Remember" -- Mystery. (1943) In an attempt to turn her husband-writer from murder mysteries to love stories, a woman gets an apartment for them in Greenwich Village. Loretta Young, Brian Aherne. (90 min.)

"The Road to Rio" -- Comedy. (1947). Broke and in trouble, two men set fire to a circus. Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, Dorothy Lamour. (90 min.)

"The Great Moment" -- Drama. (1944.) A Boston dentist searches for a way to extract teeth painlessly. Joel McCrea, Betty Field, Harry Carey, William Demarest. (90 mins.)

"The Atomic Man" -- Mystery. (1956) When an attempt is made on the life of a scientist, a reporter tries to convince the police that a man with a radioactive brain is involved. Gene Nelson, Faith Domergure. (90 mins.)

"The Wildcatter" -- Adventure. (1937) A man is eager to join the oil rush in Texas and so he takes leave of his wife. Jean Rogers, Scott Colton, Ward Bond. (60 min.)

"We Are All Murderers." -- Drama. (French, 1952.) A French girl kills a Nazi officer, and enlists her brother's aid in disposing of her career. Liberace. (90 mins.)

"A Star Is Born" -- Drama. (1954) A girl singer, Esther Blodgett, tries to prevent an alcoholic movie star from making a spectacle of himself. Judy Garland, James Mason
(2 hrs 30 mins.)

"Playmates" -- Comedy. (1940.) A ham goes to weird lengths to land a radio contract. John Barrymore, Kay Kyser. (90 mins.)

"Honky Tonk" -- Drama (1941) A man becomes boss of a town which has had a gold strike recently. Clark Gable, Lana Turner. (90 mins.)

Duck Soup -- Comedy (1933). In Freedonia, a mystical kingdom, a revolution is breaking out. A man is hired to become dictator to stop the revolution. Marx Brothers, Margaret Dumont, Louis Calhern. (90 mins.)

The Killer Shrews -- Melodrama. (1959). On an island a boat captain discovers a scientist. James Best, Ingrid Goude. (90 min.)

Admit it, these descriptions make you want to stay up for the Late Late Show.

 

[HanauMan]

Yep, had TV Guide in the 1970s with these basic plot lines. But hey, I watched any old crap back then so it didn't much matter about the description. If it was a movie I'd watch it regardless, not necessarily right to the end though. Watched a ton of different film genres that I may not have watched otherwise.

 

[HanauMan]

I also went to the movies on a regular basis, both with my dad or with my friends. The plot descriptions for forthcoming feature films weren't much better than TV Guide!

 

[Fading Fast]

Yup, but going back even farther and right to the source, how many titles of the Era were blatantly inaccurate simply to attract audiences"

A good, early example is 1931's "Playgirl" with waif pretty Loretta Young which sounds like a light, fun, sexually provocative movie...which it isn't. It's a solid movie about a smart women married to a dumb gambler, but not at all about what the title would lead you to believe.

 

[3fingers]

It was bad. By describing them all so poorly they camouflaged the really bad ones. You had to tune in to all of them and sort them as you went. Or something.

 

[LizzieMaine]

In going thru TV Guide over the decades, it really hits you just how random the movie-watching experience was in the pre-cable era. There was no "curation" of films -- stations bought packages of movies and threw them on ad hoc, with no contextualization, no interpretation and no discrimination. A great screen classic and the smelliest Poverty Row potboiler were both nothing more than something to wrap around late-night commercials.

And to tell the truth, I liked it that way. Today with such things as TCM, your selections are made for you by the scholarly anad the knowledgeable, and there is little chance you're going to run across any of the sleazy, cheap states-rights pictures that made up the bulk of the movie diet in the neighborhood houses all thru the Era. We lost something when TV movie programming got sophistication -- the sense of poking around in a great celluloid slag heap in search of undiscovered delights, a world where George Arliss and Leo Gorcey could meet on equal terms.

 

[Zombie_61]

I've seen equally bad synopses while scrolling through the listings on our TV trying to find something worth watching:

"Generic Buddy Cop Drama: Lead Character #1 and Lead Character #2 solve a murder."
"Generic Medical Drama: Lead Character diagnoses a mysterious illness."

You get the idea--a basic explanation of the plot for every episode of the series. And someone got paid to come up with this rubbish?

 

[Fading Fast]

In going thru TV Guide over the decades, it really hits you just how random the movie-watching experience was in the pre-cable era. There was no "curation" of films -- stations bought packages of movies and threw them on ad hoc, with no contextualization, no interpretation and no discrimination. A great screen classic and the smelliest Poverty Row potboiler were both nothing more than something to wrap around late-night commercials.

And to tell the truth, I liked it that way. Today with such things as TCM, your selections are made for you by the scholarly anad the knowledgeable, and there is little chance you're going to run across any of the sleazy, cheap states-rights pictures that made up the bulk of the movie diet in the neighborhood houses all thru the Era. We lost something when TV movie programming got sophistication -- the sense of poking around in a great celluloid slag heap in search of undiscovered delights, a world where George Arliss and Leo Gorcey could meet on equal terms.

Growing up watching old movies in the '70s was, as you described, completely hit or miss or random. I'd watch a swashbuckler followed by a political drama. The next week it could be Tarzan or the Marx Brothers or something like "My Secret Garden." Sometimes they'd have big names stars and other times not. And, as you note, a whole lot of ones that I've forgotten about and, probably, won't see anywhere again. Even the kooky "one-off" cable stations today, like "Movies!," that seem to have a production budget of $3 a week, still show, mainly, decent movies with well-known stars (but occasionally a what-the-heck-is-this odd one makes it through).

Netflix has some of those "obscure" ones in its "classic" movie section, but I find it much harder to pick a movie like that to see; it is much easier if it's on and you just "catch" it. I'm less hard on TCM than you are as, I think, with 24/7 movies and no commercials, it has enough airtime to fill that a lot of stuff makes it on-air at TCM that doesn't elsewhere (my local PBS shows a classic movie almost every Saturday night, but it simply rotates through the top 40 or 50 most famous ones - at most). But - admittedly - talking out of both sides of my mouth, TCM, clearly, thoughtfully chooses what it puts on.

 

[LizzieMaine]

My faovorite TV Guide listings cliche was "Trouble begins when..." which could be and was used for just about anything. I used to amuse myself by writing my own listings according to the formula:

"Gone With The Wind" -- Melodrama. (1939) Trouble begins when a man, who is arrogant, encounters a woman on a plantation. Clark Gable, Vivien Leigh. (3 hrs, 45 mins.)

"Planet of the Apes" -- Fantasy. (1967) Trouble begins when a spaceman lands on a planet ruled by talking apes. Charlton Heston, Maurice Evans. (2 hrs.)

"Greed" -- Silent. (1924) Trouble begins when the wife of a dentist wins a lottery. Zasu Pitts, Gibson Gowland. (90 mins.) (Time approximate after baseball.)

"It's a Wonderful Life" -- Drama (1947). Trouble begins when a man loses some money. James Stewart, Donna Reed, Lionel Barrymore. (2 hrs.)

Metropolis -- Silent. (German, 1927) Trouble begins when a man, whose father is rich, changes places with a worker and falls in love with a robot. (60 mins.)

 

[LizzieMaine]

I've seen equally bad synopses while scrolling through the listings on our TV trying to find something worth watching:

"Generic Buddy Cop Drama: Lead Character #1 and Lead Character #2 solve a murder."
"Generic Medical Drama: Lead Character diagnoses a mysterious illness."

You get the idea--a basic explanation of the plot for every episode of the series. And someone got paid to come up with this rubbish?

If anything it's a concrete demonstration of the formulas that go into writing these shows. The book I read recently that proposed to reduce comedy writing to a mathematical equation wasn't too far off from the way things really are.

 

[LizzieMaine]

Growing up watching old movies in the '70s was, as you described, completely hit or miss or random. I'd watch a swashbuckler followed by a political drama. The next week it could be Tarzan or the Marx Brothers or something like "My Secret Garden." Sometimes they'd have big names stars and other times not. And, as you note, a whole lot of ones that I've forgotten about and, probably, won't see anywhere again. Even the kooky "one-off" cable stations today, like "Movies!," that seem to have a production budget of $3 a week, still show, mainly, decent movies with well-known stars (but occasionally a what-the-heck-is-this odd one makes it through).

Netflix has some of those "obscure" ones in its "classic" movie section, but I find it much harder to pick a movie like that to see; it is much easier if it's on and you just "catch" it. I'm less hard on TCM than you are as, I think, with 24/7 movies and no commercials, it has enough airtime to fill that a lot of stuff makes it on-air at TCM that doesn't elsewhere (my local PBS shows a classic movie almost every Saturday night, but it simply rotates through the top 40 or 50 most famous ones - at most). But - admittedly - talking out of both sides of my mouth, TCM, clearly, thoughtfully chooses what it puts on.

When I first saw cable TV, back around 1979-80, there was a cable-only channel that showed pretty much nothing but the lowest grade of bad movies from the Era, from muddy tape dubs of worn-out, dupey 16 mm prints. I was transfixed -- it was like somebody took the elbow off of Classic Hollywood's sink drain and scooped out the trap into this one channel. The kind of B Westerns that would have been too dumb for "Captain Video" in 1949, "noir" melodramas that only looked "noir" because they couldn't afford more than two light bulbs for the set, jungle pictures made only because someone knew where they could rent a monkey for the afternoon, lowball comedies that made you yearn for the refined wit of Parkyakarkus, and shorts of the type of which Walter Winchell used to say "this wasn't released, it escaped."

By then you weren't seeing this kind of stuff on regular commercial TV -- it had finally been pushed out by sitcom reruns and bad game shows -- so it was all that cable had left to choose from. I'd give anything to have a channel like that today, if only because every once in a while you'd see something that absolutely transcended the muck of its origin. You can see a lot of this stuff on You Tube and such like venues, but nothing beats the fun and excitement of watching it in real time and never knowing what to expect next. I think that channel might have eventually evolved into the USA Network, which for my money was a definite step down.

 

[Formeruser012523]

^^^ Wow.

You just described my childhood and my teenage years. This is why I'm so often on YouTube now and I barely, if ever, watch tv. Classic film is practically dead because of streaming and I miss the days of Robert Osbourne on TCM. He would most likely be appalled by all the advertising on the channel. But, I digress. Miss the days of turning on my analog tv and never knowing what I would find. Usually some gem from the era I may or may not ever see again.

 

[MondoFW]

This isn't even an old problem. We have Xfinity Home, so some old movies occasionally become free. The descriptions are downright terrible and vague, as you mentioned. Only the VERY BEST films receive adequate descriptions, so when I step down from this caste and explore movies that aren't the likes of Casablanca or Citizen Kane, I'm often turned off by the lame descriptions on the cable, and usually rely on word of mouth to weed out the bad ones.
I'll share some examples of bad descriptions when I get home from my vacation.

 

[LizzieMaine]

Likely TV Guide descriptions thereof:

"Citizen Kane" -- Mystery (1941) A man dies after becoming rich and famous. A reporter wonders how. Orson Welles. (90 mins.) (Repeat)

"Casablanca" -- Melodrama (1943) A bartender tries to get his ex-girlfriend on a plane during World War II. Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman, Sidney Greenstreet. (90 mins.)

 

[Fading Fast]

Likely TV Guide descriptions thereof:

"Citizen Kane" -- Mystery (1941) A man dies after becoming rich and famous. A reporter wonders how. Orson Welles. (90 mins.) (Repeat)

"Casablanca" -- Melodrama (1943) A bartender tries to get his ex-girlfriend on a plane during World War II. Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman, Sidney Greenstreet. (90 mins.)

The only deeper revealing part of this "Casablanca" description: "A bartender tries to get his ex-girlfriend" and based on the late night "visit" from Ilsa trying to get the letters of transit - mission accomplished.

... and I miss the days of Robert Osbourne on TCM. He would most likely be appalled by all the advertising on the channel. But, I digress. ....

While TCM does a lot of self promotion, they still don't have commercials: hence, I'm curious as to what you are referring to?

 

[Doctor Strange]

Some self promotion IS advertising. Join the TCM Wine Club?!? Take a TCM Cruise?!? If it gets you to spend more money on the TCM brand, it's advertising.

But I'm not knocking them (*), they run a huge range of interesting material and treat it with respect and historical insight. I record and watch more films from them than any other station, and their love of film history/art is legit. It would leave a huge hole for folks like us if they were to go off.

(* Apart from no-talent-bum Ben Mankiewicz, who's never made a brilliant observation that can't be found in a Wiki article!)

 

[Fading Fast]

Some self promotion IS advertising. Join the TCM Wine Club?!? Take a TCM Cruise?!? If it gets you to spend more money on the TCM brand, it's advertising.

But I'm not knocking them (*), they run a huge range of interesting material and treat it with respect and historical insight. I record and watch more films from them than any other station, and their love of film history/art is legit. It would leave a huge hole for folks like us if they were to go off.

(* Apart from no-talent-bum Ben Mankiewicz, who's never made a brilliant observation that can't be found in a Wiki article!)

All fair points - although, I like Ben (sorry). I also am really coming around to Tiffany Vazquez as well - wasn't a fan at first. As to commercials, as noted, yup, you are right about a lot of self promotion, but (1) the movies themselves are commercial free and uncut and (2) a lot of the between-movie stuff is very well done and informative. I pray that TCM stays TCM as you said, huge hole if it goes away. When my girlfriend is away, I sometimes have TCM on all day as background.

 

[Formeruser012523]

While TCM does a lot of self promotion, they still don't have commercials: hence, I'm curious as to what you are referring to?

What Doctor Strange said. I initially joined their email list years ago to get the schedule so I would know what was on ahead of time. That was a huge mistake. I was bombarded by wine club emails and dvd offers, etc. Then the onslaught of ads and the minimal info on the channel itself began to disappear replaced by more ads.

I'm also no fan of Ben Mankiewicz and half the info he gives can easily be found on imdb.com by anyone. Also, what happened to Tiffany Vasquez? The first female, weekend host on TCM? Is she still around? Haven't seen her in some time.

 

[Formeruser012523]

All fair points - although, I like Ben (sorry). I also am really coming around to Tiffany Vazquez as well - wasn't a fan at first. As to commercials, as noted, yup, you are right about a lot of self promotion, but (1) the movies themselves are commercial free and uncut and (2) a lot of the between-movie stuff is very well done and informative. I pray that TCM stays TCM as you said, huge hole if it goes away. When my girlfriend is away, I sometimes have TCM on all day as background.

Oh, she IS still there. Got it.

 

[Fading Fast]

Oh, she IS still there. Got it.

Not that at all. What I meant - sincerely - is that TCM - the station, the movies, the info - provides an enjoyable background when I'm alone in the apartment. I love old movies and all the stuff around them and TCM just makes the place feel less lonely when I'm in the apartment by myself.

To your question one post before, until you said it, I hadn't thought about it, but you are correct, I haven't seen Tiffany Vazquez doing intros in some time.