Antisocial.....is this normal?

[RetroBabydoll]

RBD, I don't think it's NOT "normal". And I am sure there are more people like this out there, but you just wouldn't know it. I also don't think you would be like this all the time either. I think it's just where you are in your life right now.
I can understand, I'm not incredibly social, and honestly I'm rather shy. (forums like this are nice ice breaker type places...you can "practice" being social to an extent)
There are times where I am going out, meeting people, making friends, and being social, and there are times, like I am living in currently, where, I simply don't have the time, or much of an inclination to be social. Another thing is, we move an awful lot, pretty much every two years on average, and so it is hard to make friends, and then leave, and for someone who is shy, it is even harder.. sometimes I need a longer period of time to get out and meet people. So there are times, rather periods where it is a social time of our life, and others we are more focused on our family.

I'm sure women were like this in the past are still like this today. I think in the past, it was more of a way of life, as our main purposes for living were to be a spouse, have and bring up the children. It all dates back to early times, the men had their purposes and the women had theirs. And within the last century have women been able to really expand beyond those original horizons. Of course it would be natural to have this mental conflict.

I think you're perfectly normal.

Well, I am going to school and working so that might be the reason...the fact that it's the period of time that I can't do much. Maybe it'll be different once I graduate. I feel like I'd have to force myself into something like a once of month gathering so I'm obligated to do it. I'm amazed you're able to stand moving every two years, but you do have your daughter that you can have outings and activities with. She's so adorable.

 

[deadpandiva]

I am the same way. I have to work pretty hard to maintain the freindships I have as a lot of my friends take it personaly.

 

[Rufus]

Heya,

I work at home (drawing comic books.. long hours), and due to the intrincically solitary nature of my work, rarely see people.

A bunch of us Comics boys have a monthly get together at a West End pub, which is really lovely, as it would be incredibly easy for me not to speak to anyone.

My girlfriend works at a film studio, and is often 'talked out' by the time she gets home, so again, I have to make extra effort to call people during the day so as not turn into a Howard Hughes-esque figure, replete with long fingernails!

I think it's very important to make the effort to stay in touch with friends, as time goes so quickly, and there are some friends i now see less than once a year, despite my efforts!

I know everyone gets tired, and has a 'hectic life', but you only get back what you put in.

Get organised! Get You and your mates out, and the drinks in!

Rufus

 

[sweetfrancaise]

to lead super-lives. In the USA at least... not like this in some countries. All of us have to have a job or often two, to make ends meet in the style to which we think we should be accustomed. There is a lot of expense around our cars, as our cities are seldom designed for walking.
So we end up scurrying around trying to pay for the life that we are not able to enjoy.
And since all your friends are in the same boat, it is hard to match up schedules!
I agree it is great to have "whatever night". For a couple of year we had weekly Stitch'n'Bitch at a girlfriends house, we would come over right after work, bring salad material and our sewing boxes and projects, and spend some quality time while mending and making.
It was nice because after the first few weeks, we didn't have to call and organize, we just knew we would see each other on Tuesday!

Agreed... and I think that this "super-life" expectation is even more so where we live, RBD. I get lonely too--one of my best friends lives in Scotland, the other in San Francisco. I have other people to see down here, but everyone is too busy to enjoy a spontaneous night out. That's what I prefer, anyway, just getting a call and hearing "let's watch a movie" or "bring over some wine...". I'm lonely because I like to make time for myself outside of work and school, and that's a rarity. Everyone else is too busy to be social, and it's sad. Organized nights have never worked well for me, but that's just part of my personality. It may work better for you, seeing as you are a busy person and have a lot to organize. But be sure that when you plan out your week, you don't just think of obligations. Put in time for you to do the fun things that don't necessarily get anything done, other than make you happy.

 

[ScionPI2005]

That doesn't seem abnormal, or if it is, then I guess I'm abnormal too. Currently, I am enrolled as a full time student in my last year of my Undergrad career, as well as working one part time job (that is really bordering on full time right now with the number of hours), and an apprenticeship as well. I have a handful of friends, and I may get to see one of them once a week, if even that much. Currently, my parents (who are really the people I'm closest to) are out of town for health reasons. That being so, I realized today that in the past two weeks, I have hardly socialized with ANYONE except co-workers.

Yep, I guess I don't have a social life either. And I sometimes wonder if socializing is like a muscle; if you don't flex it and exercise it, the weakens. It seems like after you've been away in your shell for several days, or a week or two, it takes so much more strength to get out there and try to engage yourself with people again.

 

[dhermann1]

I posted this in the other thread, but it really belongs here:

Don't forget that in the past a larger percentage of people lived in smaller or medium sized towns. You could walk to the corner for groceries, kids walked to school, etc. You could walk down the street to talk to a neighbor. Now a lot of suburbs are built without sidewalks, and you're considered subversive if you try to walk down the street! You have to use your car, which puts you in a 2 ton steel box, to go anywhere today. People used to have easy direct access to each other, and socializing was MUCH easier and more normal and natural. Chatting over the "back fence" was a regular part of life.
Also, traveling around town was easier because of the vast street car system. For a nickel you could go anywhere. You could literally go from Maine to Kansas City straight through on the trolley in 1920.

BTW, this is why I love Brooklyn! You can still do this here!

 

[Josephine]

I was thinking I didn't socialize much, but recently I've changed that. For a few years some friends have our Fine Femmes First Friday Feast and go out to dinner the first Friday of the month. Now the guys want to get in on it too, and that's ok, I guess, it's not all the male SOs, though so it isn't too bad. Then the second and fourth Saturday of the month is Tea Time knitting, where we get together and do craft things (or just chat), and every Wednesday I go and hang out with my friend W who also has Wednesday off.

 

[AmateisGal]

I've noticed that in different stages of my life, I've been either very outgoing and social or I tend to retreat into hermit mode. When I was in college and the two years following college, I was a social butterfly. I went out every weekend, had a lot of friends, and loved to be around people.

Now, though, that I'm married and have two children, I love to stay home. LOVE it to the point of not even leaving the house during the weekends sometimes. But I'm also a writer and the very nature of writing is solitary, so in a way, I prefer my solitude. I have my kids and my husband. I'll also go and do things with my mom and my brother and his girlfriend.

I have friends that I see every few weeks or so for lunches, and I'm forming good friendships with the people I work with. We often go out for lunches or will get together after hours.

I hate talking on the phone, too. I'd rather email! Maybe it's the writer in me...

I wouldn't beat yourself up for not being a social butterfly right now, especially if you're comfortable with it.

 

[RetroBabydoll]

Thank you so much fedora loungers!!!! I'm feeling so much better now than I did this morning. You're all so wonderful and I'm glad I'm not alone.

 

[LizzieMaine]

I *really* hate the telephone - if I didn't have to have one for emergencies, I'd not have one at all. I resent the idea that when it rings I'm expected to drop everything and answer it, even if it's something utterly inconsequential -- and usually it is. The only calls I make are to make appointments and such, and I even hate to have to do that.

I don't think it's being antisocial so much as it is not wanting to be bothered.

 

[RetroBabydoll]

I *really* hate the telephone - if I didn't have to have one for emergencies, I'd not have one at all. I resent the idea that when it rings I'm expected to drop everything and answer it, even if it's something utterly inconsequential -- and usually it is. The only calls I make are to make appointments and such, and I even hate to have to do that.

I don't think it's being antisocial so much as it is not wanting to be bothered.

I remember the days without cell phones and it seemed a lot better and less like I was chained. I sometimes think technology has hurt society in areas.

 

[thunderw21]

I've been thinking about this all morning ever since I talked to my boyfriend about it last night. I'm just wondering if I'm normal. I have so much to do on a daily basis that I find that I don't have time for others except for family and my boyfriend. I dread calling people on the phone. The only person that I even consider a friend is two hours away. I feel like I don't have time for friends and My boyfriend is always on the phone or hanging out with a buddy, so I feel like it's not right that I'm this way. I'm wondering if anybody else sometimes feels this way.
Also....
Were women in the past like this? Were they the busy mother, there for their husband, and social only when they had other couples over for cocktails....???

I wouldn't say you're not normal. Like you, I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It's always uncomfortable and I'd much rather talk to someone face to face.
And like you I also lack a large number of close friends. Most nights I stay home with my parents (I'm inbetween college and a job), watch TV and go to bed at 10. I only have one friend here at home and we usually don't do anything together. Most people my age are out living the 'high' life (though I wouldn't call it that). Sometimes it drives me crazy. We need to get out once in a while.

So there are people out there like you. In todays world it might seem anti-social but what we're doing is living more sheltered lives than others. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'd rather be with people I truly care about than out partying or who knows what with people who don't really care about me. You tend to get a deeper sense of things when you're allowed to think.

 

[Decodence]

I think the key is to live in a neighborhood, not suburban hell. I know all my neighbors up and down my street. Older homes (especially for Phoenix), most have porches where people can sit and just watch the world walking by. Take walks around the neighborhood all the time with my daughter. People all wave or come out for a chat when we stroll by, and vise versa when I am sitting on the porch, and they are out walking. I do tend to work long hours, but that is more due to the hectic life that is middle management hell required to sustain my family of 3 on a single income at a decent SOL while still being debt-free with the exception of a reasonable mortgage. The wife on the other hand is always going and hanging out with her friends who are also mainly stay at home mothers, or only work part time. Sees her friends at the gym every morning, etc. Play dates and the like. She also gets out shopping all the time (as evidenced by the rediculous Amex statements every month). I don't think she has ever expressed feeling lonely, etc.

 

[Dixon Cannon]

I'm on the phone all week long at work - I don't touch it at home! That's what answering machines are for. My girl and I spend all our time together and have great fun- and talk, talk, talk! Friends fit in about three times a year, it seems. It certainly is normal for us.

-dixon cannon

 

[nobodyspecial]

I have always hated the phone, and feel completely out of touch with the alleged mainstream of today's talk-and-text-all-the-time-everywhere world.

Oh, I have a cell (I've got to be reachable: I've got teenage kids and elderly parents who don't live with me), but I only use it about 15 minutes a month. And I barely use my landlines any more than that.

I'd much rather do email or face-to-face than talk on the phone...

I could not agree more. In my 20's I used to like to chat on the phone, but now I want to get together in person. Part of my anti phone personality may be that virtually all the calls I receive at work are someone who wants something from me and I can't seem to turn off that immediate reaction the minute any phone rings. This is another reason to use email, I really don't want to chat with bankers and insurance agents about thier personal lives. We have a relationship based on nothing but needing each other for our own financial well being. Emails are a great way to get rid of small talk.

Email has been a wonderful thing for my siblings and I. We stay in much closer contact now than we did in the pre email days.

I happen to live in a very active, suburban, neighborhood and many social gatherings are arranged via email. I set up a neighborhood email distribution list specifically to do this. My neighborhood has a winter bowling night, a summer golf party, and many smaller, less formal gatherings. We got lucky simply stumbling into a neighborhood with many families of similar aged kids which brought us together for kid activities and the rest followed. Spring will be here soon (doesn't seem that way at times) and the Friday evening driveway bonfires and Sunday evening pot luck dinners will begin again.

 

[Feng_Li]

You may simply be an introverted person in a highly extroverted culture. Extroverts generally find being alone stressful and need to "recharge" by engaging in social activity. Introverts generally find social activity to be an exertion, and "recharge" by spending time alone (or with someone close to them, which is, in a sense, "being alone with someone else.")

It doesn't mean you're antisocial, it just means you're at odds with the prevailing culture.

 

[RetroBabydoll]

You may simply be an introverted person in a highly extroverted culture. Extroverts generally find being alone stressful and need to "recharge" by engaging in social activity. Introverts generally find social activity to be an exertion, and "recharge" by spending time alone (or with someone close to them, which is, in a sense, "being alone with someone else.")

It doesn't mean you're antisocial, it just means you're at odds with the prevailing culture.

I seem more of an introvert who wishes to be an extrovert. I know I'm more comfortable by myself, but I get envious of those who are extroverts.

 

[nobodyspecial]

One thing about the whole cell phone-text message-call waiting-caller id world is just because you can be accessed electronically 24 hours a day, 7 days a week doesn't mean that you need to be accessed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Many things can wait. Nobody seems content with leaving a message now or simply calling back later.

I tend to be introverted as well. Many people think I'm nuts when I go camping by myself or ride my bicycle mulitple hours by myself. In some cases I'm not intentionally wishing to go by myself, often schedules don't work out and I'd simply rather do the activity than sit home. Spending hours and days by myself isn't a big deal for me.

 

[Pink Dahlia]

I too love talking on the phone but it seems I can never get a hold of anyone nor get anyone to call me back. Everyone is just too busy.

 

[The Shirt]

Miss RBD - I don't think that it's not a normal phase to go thru. I am in a relationship where I honestly prefer to spend my time with him over anyone else. What I have come to realize though is that we have some funny and thoughtful conversations that stem from the things we do outside of each other. I think it's healthy to have outside interests and activities from each other. However if I were going to school though on top of working there might not be too much time for anything else!

I find that over the years I keep in touch with only a few freinds that I can count on in all situations and that is enough. Rather than spreading myself all over the place I focus on these. I know that if a long lost pal would call up - I would certainly make an effort to get together but there is only so much time in a day. I joined a book club with a few people I don't know, a few I do and once a month we get together for a nice evening out. It's really my only scheduled freind time and it seems to be enough for me. I don't think a bit of "nesting" is all that unheard of at our ages. It's just what seems to happen.