An immense amount of guilt

[FedoraFan112390]

I never met my grandfather. I was born in 1990, and he died 40 years ago on October 4th 1975. However, I was given a tote bag, which was his, which contained all of his personal possessions, including his WW2 and Army photos, licenses, work IDs, his wallet(s), even down to his 1935 School Album...It's led to a great curiosity about him and his life. He would seem to have been a very sentimental man - He kept work IDs and membership IDs (such as a VFW and American Legion id cards) that were way outdated by the time he died; he kept, besides the early 50s Hack License, every driver license he had issued to him between 1966 and 1975, as well as things like his Presidio of San Francisco library card, his reader's guide to Germany, his travel guide to San Francisco, his book of NYC addresses as of 1950 (he probably was given it when he became a cabbie?)...Just tons of things, things you'd think would've been thrown away. Like, he had from what has to be the late 1940s/early 50s, a series of rollerderby poster cards of girls on ice skates. He kept his union card from a job he'd long since departed from when he died; he kept his voter registration card, issued in 1963, and even his blood donor card despite not having given blood since 1967 (it has the dates he gave blood stamped on the back).

When someone keeps that much of a 'paper trail' of their life, it would seem to me they want to be remembered, and perhaps wondered about, and I've tried to do my best at that.

I moved all of the items from the tote bag to a black archival box.

I must confess that...I've moved three times in the past year. Each time I've moved, I've had the box closed tight with tape. Yet, at some point, I lost two things from the bag: Two photos from his military days. Everything else, thank God, is accounted for.. One of them was a portrait he hand in full military dress; I know there is at least one other copy of that photo, as my uncle has a copy. The other there was no copy of, it was an impromptu picture from a USO event in 1942 (although, the other pictures from the same event survive - three others).

Thankfully, I had scanned both now missing photos, but I feel an immense amount of guilt over it. My grandfather's whole life was in that bag - everything he deemed sacred and worth keeping - it was given to me by my uncle because my uncle didn't want it. And I feel like, a disgrace. It's only two things - but they were two things he kept for all of his life. I feel horrible about it.

I'm not sure if anyone here can relate, but I feel genuine guilt about this...

 

[HoosierDaddy]

I can certainly relate and understand. It's really sad that often what is left of a person's whole life can be contained in a box after most things are settled and some even discarded. I look at the mementos that I have left of my Father's life and often think that there was so much more to him than just these few reminders .
However, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. Losing or somehow misplacing wasn't intentional and, at least, you could come up with copies and perhaps it has even helped you to now better appreciate just what you do have in your possession.
HD

 

[FedoraFan112390]

I can certainly relate and understand. It's really sad that often what is left of a person's whole life can be contained in a box after most things are settled and some even discarded. I look at the mementos that I have left of my Father's life and often think that there was so much more to him than just these few reminders .
However, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. Losing or somehow misplacing wasn't intentional and, at least, you could come up with copies and perhaps it has even helped you to now better appreciate just what you do have in your possession.
HD

I know I shouldn't be logically, but it's hard. I don't even know how they could've been lost. Nothing else was. I've felt like a disgrace, like if the old man were watching me from upstairs, he'd be let down by it. And it's just two damn photos but the two damn photos feel like...pieces of a life. And yet, I'm sure there were tons more things lost before I ever came into possession of the bag. He himself probably gave away treasures he had - he was a very bad gambler and there is in his collection of stuff a pawn shop business card.

 

[ChiTownScion]

I know I shouldn't be logically, but it's hard. I don't even know how they could've been lost. Nothing else was. I've felt like a disgrace, like if the old man were watching me from upstairs, he'd be let down by it. And it's just two damn photos but the two damn photos feel like...pieces of a life. And yet, I'm sure there were tons more things lost before I ever came into possession of the bag. He himself probably gave away treasures he had - he was a very bad gambler and there is in his collection of stuff a pawn shop business card.

Look at it this way. So few people today appreciate the past and those who came before them, even in their own family. They throw out priceless mementos because they don't want to deal with the clutter of "old junk." You have a treasure trove that someday you'll pass along to your child, or a niece/ nephew.. and they'll have a greater understanding not only of who your grandfather was, but of who they are.

If he's looking down on you, he has every right to be damned proud of you as the trustee of his legacy. I would only hope for such a grandson some day.

 

[GHT]

If he's looking down on you, he has every right to be damned proud of you as the trustee of his legacy. I would only hope for such a grandson some day.

Amen to that!

 

[nick123]

Eh, I was born the same year as you. Only recently learned how to handle guilt. It's a matter of just learning to understand that in life, we cannot go back and reverse our errors. Tough pill to swallow, but what helped me was the process of turning pain into joy. It's a mental journey, but it's possible. All about perspective. You should celebrate because you care about your grandfather. Try looking at it that way.

 

[AtomicEraTom]

Pretty much the cut and dry of it, in one statement.

I will also add, while I haven't been in your situation, my sister has, with a broken beer stein that was part of my Grandpa's collection.

When my Grandpa passed, in November. My father, and us 3 kids were the last in the family to be asked if we wanted anything. Grandma got rid of everything and told us how there wasn't much to pick from. By the time we got there, it appeared that almost nothing was gone. The only things people wanted, were the things worth money. They took the pocket watches, the jewelry, the guns, his huge beer stein collection (minus a couple we were told we could have). The rest of the house was almost untouched. They didn't care about the furniture that he'd built, or the clocks he collected, and built, the childhood memories. Nobody cared, except Dad and I.

As a result, Dad and I have all Grandpa's childhood toys, sentimental items, and I even ended up with all of his father's items that he had saved, after his passing, when I was a kid. (My Great-Grandpa and I were very close)

My house is also filled with my grandparents' furniture. As I type this, I'm sitting in my Grandpa's wing chair.

I know I'm rambling, but there's a point to all this. Every day, I know that even if the entire world doesn't give a damn about my Grandpa, and my Great-Grandpa, I do. I always will. I think of theme every day, and try to make them proud. I have faith they look down and know that someone here will always remember them.

You are doing the very same and no grandfather would ever be let down by that.
[/I]

Look at it this way. So few people today appreciate the past and those who came before them, even in their own family. They throw out priceless mementos because they don't want to deal with the clutter of "old junk." You have a treasure trove that someday you'll pass along to your child, or a niece/ nephew.. and they'll have a greater understanding not only of who your grandfather was, but of who they are.

If he's looking down on you, he has every right to be damned proud of you as the trustee of his legacy. I would only hope for such a grandson some day.

 

[FedoraFan112390]

My grandfather has a mixed legacy. He wasn't a perfect man, by far, not at all. A bad husband, yet a good father and a war hero. The guy was a Staff Sergeant by his early 20s and was in the service even before Pearl Harbor - he joined in 1939 and only left when a bullet damn near took his leg during the Battle of the Bulge. But he was a mixed bag of a man, and in part because of this, and also because he died so long ago now, he's barely remembered. My mother idolized him and instilled in me from a young age a sort of hero worship of him, which I suppose is why I feel so defensive over the stuff I inherited. From as far back as I can remember, my mother had a portrait of him and my sister on the wall. it was taken in 1973 - shortly after he'd suffered a first stroke - and it is a lovely black and white picture and the only one of him and any of his grandchildren. I grew up even as a young child wondering about this Walt Disney-looking man my mother lauded.

My sisters were 3 and 2 when he died in 1975 and as such they don't remember him and don't care - they grew up with my stepgrandfather as their grandfather.

But when I got older, that portrait of my grandfather I had copied and given to whoever wanted it, as, like my mother says, it showed off a tender side of him not often seen.

And, I collected as much photographs as I could of his immediate family, and my great grandfather, who was the founder of my family in the United States. Only 4 known photographs of my great grandfather exist that I am aware of and I have them all - no one else is interested. My cousin probably had photos of our great grandfather and threw them out. She has no interest of any kind in family history. Actually, two of the surviving portraits of my great grandfather came from my aunt. When my mother was helping my aunt unpack her house, they found the two portaits - one a family portait, the other a portait of my great grandfather and great grandmother, both from the same day in the mid 1930s - and my aunt said to take them, because she was just going to throw them out. Hundreds of interesting things were probably lost - she had slides of family vacations from the 1970s with my grandfather which since her death have been lost to history -

I'm the only one in my family who cares and so I care more than most would.

This is the photo I saw hanging as a child - my grandfather with my sister, 1973:

And this is the mid 1930s family portrait that would've been in a dumpster if my aunt had had her way. My grandfather is the man standing on the left - he is maybe 15 or 16, the photo is roughly around 1936:

I got into the Golden Era, and joined this site, as a way of coming to understand the world and time in which my grandfather and great grandfather lived, and as such, in the process, come to better known them.

 

[Stanley Doble]

If that is the worst thing you ever do you don't have much to feel bad about.

You will get over it.

 

[Bixie Bliss]

I bet your grandfather would be really happy and proud that a grandson he never got to meet feels so strongly about him.

 

[V.C. Brunswick]

Sad to say that nowadays when someone passes on any personal papers more often than not goes right to the shredder.

 

[LizzieMaine]

What's unfortunate is when you don't have any family to pass the stuff on to -- not the "valuable" stuff, which will be going to my surrogate family, the kids at work --but the things that wouldn't mean anything to anyone but blood relatives. I have some things that belonged to my grandmother which mean a lot to me, but I don't have kids of my own, and my niece and nephew could not possibly care less -- one's incapable of caring, and the other is simply oblivious. So when I go, this stuff will end up in the garbage -- because it's not worth any money, and nobody's going to have the emotional connection to it that I do.

That's one reason why I don't fuss or fume or get all in a panic about actually using these things rather than putting them on the shelf under a dustproof dome. I'm the only one who cares, so I might as well use them up and wear them out, and there's not going to be anyone else who'll give a damn about them when I'm gone.

 

[Fading Fast]

What's unfortunate is when you don't have any family to pass the stuff on to -- not the "valuable" stuff, which will be going to my surrogate family, the kids at work --but the things that wouldn't mean anything to anyone but blood relatives. I have some things that belonged to my grandmother which mean a lot to me, but I don't have kids of my own, and my niece and nephew could not possibly care less -- one's incapable of caring, and the other is simply oblivious. So when I go, this stuff will end up in the garbage -- because it's not worth any money, and nobody's going to have the emotional connection to it that I do.

That's one reason why I don't fuss or fume or get all in a panic about actually using these things rather than putting them on the shelf under a dustproof dome. I'm the only one who cares, so I might as well use them up and wear them out, and there's not going to be anyone else who'll give a damn about them when I'm gone.

I am in a similar situation - no kids and no nephews / nieces, etc., a very small family that has no "next generation." I have several things from my Dad that - like my things - when I die (or my girlfriend dies - whomever goes last) will get picked over and, then, other than the few things of modest value that can be sold, will be tossed.

Like you, I use the few things that can be used - a watch, a dob kit, a pen - mainly because I like the connect I get to my Dad and the past by doing so. The other things sit in a plastic bin that I do look at occasionally, but in the end, I've almost come around to not thinking this stuff is "valuable" even to me as it is just stuff that I know will go in the garbage. The valuable is the relationship we had when he was alive.

That's why I value and nurture the relationships I care about today because that's what we have in the end, IMHO. I am not - I want to emphasize this - saying anyone else should feel this way - I know people who consider this or that heirloom the greatest connect they have to their mom, granddad, etc. and if that is how they feel, then I have deep and sincere respect for that. But as I've gotten older, and thought about the "stuff" I have and what will happen to it - and I think about the memories I have - I think the memories for me are what matter. The stuff is a nice token, sometimes sparks a memory, is a tactile connect, but in the end, (again, just for me - not commenting on how others should or do feel), is still important but less so than I once thought.

 

[LizzieMaine]

Exactly so. I think a natural part of aging is a willingness to realize that you won't be taking anything with you *but* your memories. Pass along what's important, and forget about the rest.

When the time comes, I plan to burn most of my personal papers. There are memories that I specifically *don't* want to pass along.

 

[2jakes]

I’m in a similar situation, with no kids of my own.
I enjoy the material things as much as possible until the days when I won’t be able to.

I realized a long time ago that I’m merely a care-taker of these objects & if they are put to good use or not
in the future, that is beyond my control.


As to the personal things that are very precious only to me, no one will ever know or care what happens to them.
Most of them are stored in my memory & I plan on taking them with me.

The only things that are personal & have brought a smile or two from people that have told me, are the paintings I have made.
When I’m long gone, it would be nice knowing that someone will find pleasure & perhaps look at the name & know that at one time...
“jake” was here .


and that’s not so bad after all !

 

[Stearmen]

What's unfortunate is when you don't have any family to pass the stuff on to -- not the "valuable" stuff, which will be going to my surrogate family, the kids at work --but the things that wouldn't mean anything to anyone but blood relatives. I have some things that belonged to my grandmother which mean a lot to me, but I don't have kids of my own, and my niece and nephew could not possibly care less -- one's incapable of caring, and the other is simply oblivious. So when I go, this stuff will end up in the garbage -- because it's not worth any money, and nobody's going to have the emotional connection to it that I do.

That's one reason why I don't fuss or fume or get all in a panic about actually using these things rather than putting them on the shelf under a dustproof dome. I'm the only one who cares, so I might as well use them up and wear them out, and there's not going to be anyone else who'll give a damn about them when I'm gone.

This reminds me of my late boss from 20 years ago. There was a forest fire, and they were told to evacuate immediately. He said the old WWII fire bombers were flying past the hill he lived on, and he was looking down on them. So they started to gather the important stuff, humans, then the dog and horse, then photo albums, he gathered his mountain man reenacting gear, she had some sewing stuff. He latter said, "funny how your most prized possessions aren't worth a plug nickel!"

 

[ChiTownScion]

When the time comes, I plan to burn most of my personal papers. There are memories that I specifically *don't* want to pass along.

Reminds me of the story of Harry Truman walking in on Bess as she was feeding her old letters to Harry into the blaze of the family fireplace.

"Think of posterity! " he exclaimed.

"I am," she replied, as she fed more letters to the flames..

 

[V.C. Brunswick]

When I kick the bucket it will be the dream estate sale for some lucky likeminded collector.

 

[Stormy]

Are there any shrinks in the lounge? Tell me why this forum is making me cry? Everyone who knows me could attest to my hatred of crying. I avoid it at all costs. But, now I just can't stop. AtomicTom, you always make me cry! GO AWAY BOY!

 

[AtomicEraTom]

Well, that certainly wasn't my goal.

Are there any shrinks in the lounge? Tell me why this forum is making me cry? Everyone who knows me could attest to my hatred of crying. I avoid it at all costs. But, now I just can't stop. AtomicTom, you always make me cry! GO AWAY BOY!